I am mid 50's and very happily married for over 30 years. My wife is also mid 50's, quite beautiful IMHO and looks much younger than her age. I am very much still turned on by her, we do have sex, and it is great. However my sexual needs are much greater than hers. She suffers from migraine headaches and an orgasm will normally trigger a 2 or 3 day headache for her. Consequently, sex one a week is as  much as I can hope for. With the exception my desire for more sex my marriage could not be any better. Is it common for very happily married men to be active hobbyists?

I will say that I am very happily married. Being an active 'hobbyist' has been a great addition to an already enjoyable personal, family, and professional life. Whether it's common or not, I don't know. But if you find yourself there (just like I do), you'll probably agree with me that it's a wonderful place to be. If so, simply enjoy it...

RuudVanDerHass

In order to answer this question beyond just hunches, reallyconfused,

We would need to conduct a proper survey where the operational definition of "happily married" was clearly defined. What may seem like "happily married" to you may mean something quite different to someone else.

What does seem clear, however, is that according to TER's own polling (see archives of TER), 49% - 50% of those responding are married. Whether happily or not is anyone's guess at this point. So you could probably extrapolate from this data which shows that half of those responding are legally married. But happily? I hesitate to make blanket statements because the data, once mined, could tell us quite a different story. Also, when definitions are arbitrary and/or subjective, nothing accurate can be gleaned...only anecdotal assumptions, hunches, etc.

Your guess is as good as anyone else's,
the Love Goddess

Yep, I'm happily married, and yep, I hobby.  

Now, I've hobbied consistently for over four decades, and I suspect that's different from your situation.  It took me a long time to figure it out, but that's just the way I am.

There's a lot of issues that need to be dealt with intelligently and individually, to say the least.  You'll need to square these with yourself in terms of what you tell your wife and what you don't....but in my experience, it's normal to need sex outside a happy marriage; don't beat up on yourself for your desires.  For me, the hobby doesn't diminish my love for my wife.  But there are immense risks.

My wife just died. I loved her deeply but sex became more and more infrequent as the years passed. She got older sexually but I didn't. When I was about 65 I figured how long am I going to have this drive?

My wife didn't like or want or perform oral sex and I knew I was missing out. Therefore I started in on the hobby with great pleasure, and thanks to TER great success.

I never felt any guilt because I still loved her but as another comment said, our sexual desires were on different wavelengths after 40-45 years of marriage. Then she got sick for a year and that was the end of that.

However, it is very risky-you're whole life can go up in flames from a problem with the wife, the kids, friends etc. so I did my best to be incredibly careful. Thanks goodness it worked.

but that's only part one.

Part two is whether the hobby can adequtely fulfill the void at home.

And part three is whether or not the wife wants sex, and if she wants some, does she also get her own fun on the side.

-- Modified on 11/9/2008 8:46:42 PM

I am happily married and at 54 and men in my family not living to 60 so far, I did not want to go out without trying all of the things that I missed out on before I was married.  Japanese, Korean, Thai, Black, lots of oral in every possible variation, beautiful tight bodied women and girls, rimming, anal (tried it, not my thing), nympho, I had missed out on so much.  So many firsts and each of them made me so glad that I did not miss that experience.  It is quite likely that I will see 60 and I plan to see 70 and 80 but my neighbor at 64 was diagnosed with cancer and dead in a week. Years ago a family friend at 60 went on a bike ride got tired, sat down to rest and died.  Both these men were the picture of health.  What I found from hobbying is that so many of the providers are excellent at the GFE and really make you feel like a boy friend.

I think the real question is do you want to be active in the hobby. It really does not matter what others do although I guess there is some value in getting guys who say they are happily married's perspective. I am single so I cannot give you that. I do agree with Turkana that it is normal to have sexual desire for others even while happily married. You just have to decide if it is the right thing for you to act on those desires.

Let me start by saying that if you are happily married for over 30 years and your wife is happily married also you are a very lucky man. Plus if you are compatible in your daily life routines and still sexually turned on by each other and have great sex in my opinion you have a gift that not many have. The trust you two must have for each other is incredible.

Approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce and of the remaining 50% I would speculate that many of them are not as happy as you state yours is. So before you indulge in the hobby at least consider the fact you could lose all of that. You would be risking a lot more than unhappily married men and single men.
Some risks include:
1. Your wife may find out. I'm sure most guys will say that is unlikely and it may be. However let me say I have seen many women in therapy who sense something is going on but do not have proof.  In the instances where I have also had contact with the husband they are usually right. This effects the marriage. I don't see how you could avoid acting a little different and have a change in routines if you are involved in the hobby or having an affair. If you have children and grandchildren it could affect your relationship with them. If you decide to go through with this get some good advice on how to cover your tracks.

2. You could get an STD and pass it on to your wife.  Very unlikely but possible.

3. Having great sex with providers could affect your sex life with you wife. Seems unlikely but possible.

4. You could become emotionally involved with a provider which could affect the way you view your marriage in a negative way. Some guys however say it strengthens there marriage.

5. Assuming that you guys have an implicit agreement to be monogamous can you live with the fact you will be violating your wife's trust in you that has been built up for over 30 years? Would she object if you were just honest with her and told her you want to have sex with others? No value judgements here just a question you must answer for yourself.  

There are probably more risks I did not think of and their are many positives that guys have told you. Happily married men can tell you more of the benefits they have found in the hobby. So think it over before you make your decision and if you decide to go for it have a great time.  I have met some incredible women in the hobby who are alot of fun to spend time with.

If you decide not to indulge in the hobby how about talking to your wife about this problem and maybe even going to a sex therapist. Maybe there are ways to get your needs met with your wife.

Good luck in whatever you decide.


-- Modified on 11/10/2008 4:06:36 AM

My SO has been willing to "take it or leave it" probably her whole life.  I was faithful for years with virtually NO partner sex.  

I've been hobbying ~2 years.  I had a medical  event & realized howshort life is.  I then realized that certain things I had never experienced WERE NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN within the confinses of this marriage.  

My "bucket list" is not the same as hers!
skb

I think its common for all men to want more than one sex partner.

As a 50 year old, in what I consider to be a very good marriage (and I dare say so would my wife) I began hobbying for many of the same reasons you indicate above.  I've been married 26+ years, but our sexual appitites were far apart.  For the first 22 or so years, I spent hours thinking of how deprived I was, how she wasnt considerate, how it wasnt fair, etc etc, until one day I realized all the incrimination was helping no one.  I just made the decision to start fulfilling the appetite on the outside.  I know I'll get a lot of push back, but I daresay it has strengthened our marriage in that no longer do I view the limited sex as a drag on our lives.  In fact, because I know seek it less often (more on her timetable) she actually initiates now, something that NEVER happened.

The downsides have been laid out clearly in these posts, and I'm not a fool that believes there are none.  But care, discretion, and a little humility generally keeps those downsides in check.

I'd say go for it.  We all deal with problems at some point in our lives, so any repercussions (in my view) would be dealt with accordingly.

I did not elaborate in the initial post. I have had a very strong sex desire my whole life. And I have seen escorts for a good portion of my married life, although the frequency varies. I live in a rural area, so dates are available to me only when traveling. I had not seen anyone for a few years and this past spring discovered TER. Since March I have had a total of 13 dates with 8 different ladies. About 2/3 of them have been absolutely spectacular experiences and I sometimes wonder if I am becoming addicted. Although it comes and goes, I do have periods of feeling strong gilt. I am quite careful, but I do realize the risks are enormous. I would welcome any further comments or experiences.

Perspective: I have what I consider a pretty good marriage as well- reasonably attractive wife, active, great partner for me in all that we do together, brings home a great paycheck, etc.- married for 25 years (I am 55)  But- I was a doofus as a yong man and did not date nor experience women sexually as most normal guys do in their teens and 20's.  Only had one sexual girl friend before marriage.  Also, my wife traveled for a living- she was gone 5 days a week for 5 years.  With me having a substantial sex drive, feeling left out of a lot of experiences-- sex with different, beautiful, young women, different practices and techniques, etc- I began doing the tit bar scene, and eventually hobbying for two years.  It was expensive and tiresome being so covert, but I truly cherish that I experienced many women before I am unable due to age.  Then, I got caught-- ironically after I was about done with the scene.  I explained to my wife our lack of sex- my drive versus hers, my fetishes that she couldn't satisfy, what I got from the providers that she didn't give me- and promised to seek therapy, which I did.  I was introduced to the concept of Sexual Addiction-which I truly think I suffer from- and that many, many men suffer from as well.  You might want to investigate that to discover yourself a bit, and maybe it can help you understand why you seek a provider- or what a provider gives you that you desire.  $5 says that it is more than just an orgasm.  Anyway, my wife forgave me and we are still together. I blew off the therapist because he was an asshole (maybe my parents weren't the best but that's no reason to rag on my mother!), and I am seeking a medical, drug solution to my overly high sexual drive and preoccupation.  Incidentally, and I'm sure this is controversial--why do you think most providers provide?  There's a need there somewhere, for something-- and it's not just money.  Ironically, the first few weeks after we made up, sex with the wife was frequent, varied, and intense-- She was trying to satisfy my fetishes and needs, and, in effect, competing with the providers, I think.  But since then the sex has dropped off to normal levels (once a week), and back to routine.  Two challenging, professional careers take a toll on any marriage and hot sex when you are not 35 anymore.  It is a conundrum that men have faced forever- we love and desire the security and familiarity of a life partner, someone to mother our children, someone that is there for us and we can share the good stuff with- but we also desire that hot 25 year old, dangerous, beautiful, kinky, and new experience that calls to us.  I have no advice, other than to consider talking to your wife about the situation that you are feeling abandoned-- at least physically, and trying to work on that end.  Or, if that is not feasible or fails, maybe seeking either mental or physical care to reduce the need.  That's my plan and I'm sticking (trying!) to it....

If I may ask, how did you get caught?

Something really stupid; the wife was out of town on business and I used her company car as transportation to a provider's apartment (save on gas since her company pays for it) and left the email from the provider outlining directions to her apartment in the car after the event.  Stupid, stupid, stupid...

But, we are all getting older and not quite as sharp in remembering all the details of our stealth as we should...  

Some of the greatest conspiracies in history have been tripped up by trivial, insignificant details...

In spite of your "great marriage" you made your decision to hobby several years ago. After a signficant break you discovered TER and describe with great enthusiasm how wonderful your hobby experiences are. You feel guilty occasionally and "sometimes wonder" if you are becoming addicted. This sounds more like passing unpleasant thoughts than serious concerns. You just do not sound like you are in a lot of distress about this but I, of course, could be misreading things here.

I now really think maybe you are looking for reassurance that other "happily" married guys  enjoy the hobby. Possibly this eases your occasional guilt a little. Several "happily" married guys in this thread say they enjoy the hobby and that it really enhances their life.

If however you do have serious concerns about becoming addicted or your guilt is overwhelming I would go see a certified therapist from the group LG has mentioned. Is your hobby behavior significantly interfering with your life emotionally, behaviorally or financially?

My impression is you want to have a little extra fun outside of your marriage and you seem to be doing that.

Good Luck!


-- Modified on 11/13/2008 3:40:20 AM

There is a lot of truth in what you have said. I am looking for reassurance that I am not the only fool that has traveled this road(in my marital situation). I have had several outstanding experiences and have had great fun. I am concerned in that I originally thought I would be perfectly happy with one date a month and I now I seem to be having some difficulty in holding it to two. I am grateful for the input and would welcome any that is yet to come, including how others have dealt with these concerns

I, too, believe my marriage is happy, excepting the sexual aspect of it.  I suffer guilt from my hobbying experiences, but feel the fulfillment is worth the tradeoff, so far.  I am 53 and been hobbying for over 10 years.

There is also no question I am looking for something more than sex.  Not a relationship with a provider, but the feeling that I am desirable and desired.  

When I look at a provider, thinking she's hot and going to be hot for me, well that is a big rush, that unfortunately doesn't happen at home any more.  Part of it for me is being with a younger woman, too.  It is exciting when you find the right woman that makes you feel it is real, if only for an hour...

Sex only happens at my house once a month or less, with which my wife is very comfortable.  I'd like to have it every day...

I should also mention that my wife is only able to orgasm in one position and never from oral.  (She doesn't really like it -- thinks its dirty.)  I love giving oral and have had much success at getting women off in this way; just not my wife.  So, feeling that sense of fulfillment when I am able to satisfy a provider orally is especially gratifying and tempts me toward the next time.

I am limited to few hobby experiences per year because of time and money.  If I had more of the two, I'd have more of the one!

Sexually addicted?  Aren't all men??  There is a reason this is the oldest profession.  For the most part when it comes to sex, I think men are different from women.

I would definitely agree that it is normal and healthy to have strong sexual desire. While I am not an expert in sexual addiction I would say a person could have a problem if they want to cut down on sexual partners for some important reason and cannot seem to do it. If sexual behavior is causing a person to neglect work, family,causing financial hardship, or basically interfering with their life in some important way they may want to reflect upon this in a serious way.

I seriously doubt if very many people in the hobby, providers or clients, have a true sexual addiction but hey what do I know. I'm just making a slightly educated guess

-- Modified on 11/16/2008 1:02:55 PM