LG,

Just curious about something.  I was wondering how do provider private lives go - that is - you know, if you're out with a group of friends at the favorite watering hole and a guy starts hittin' on ya - do you go for it or what?  I mean - are providers generally uninterested in a civilian relationship given what goes on during a business day?  And, if a civilian relationship does develop - which has potential - do you just walk way from it - or discourage the relationship all together - given the likelihood that the guy would want something exclusive?

Do you mean providers get to have private lives?   Wow, what a concept!   Giggle.

If we are out with friends and someone hits on me, it depends on the situation, I've been known to hook it up. But everyone knows what I do anyway and it gives them something to talk about.

A few months ago my partner and I were out with friends. 1 guy (an occasional client) 2 girls, and three ts's and I suddenly realized I'd slept with everyone there but one of the t-girls.  But that's Jamie, I love everyone!

As for relationships.  Yes providers often have relationships, but they often aren't successful long term because the guy usually can't deal with his girl being with others.  And those men who don't care often turn into pimp types.  Not all, of course.  There are many married escorts with families, etc.  But it takes special people.

And while I don't have  a great deal of experience  I think a relationship with a provider to be successful has to be on a more mature level. I'm talking here about professional high end escorts, street girls or those with substance challenges are a different situation.

She sure doesn't need you for sex or money - but everyone needs friendship, loyalty, support and love. And a guy who can provide those is a real treasure.  And not just to a working girl.

I'm fortunate to be in a LTR with another provider and we have a wonderful, fulfilling, mainstream life outside of the business. But we seem to be a minority.

Hugs,
TS Jamie

-- Modified on 5/9/2007 9:32:24 PM

Dear MeSoooHorny,

"Provider private lives" - assuming these are the lives of reasonably well-functioning individuals - go pretty much the same way as civilian life. Being a reasonably successful provider isn't necessarily a calling; to most, it's a well-paying job with some benefits and some drawbacks.

One of the drawbacks is the secrecy aspect, which can eat into forming long term civilian relationships. Yes, indeed, it does take "special people" or "special circumstances" to live out in the open, considering the job itself is stigmatized and illegal. But...as I've said before: Providers are not a 'special category' of women. They live, breathe and have feelings just like the rest of us. So yes, the odds for a provider "going for it" are pretty similar to those for a civilian out on the town; if there is mutual chemistry, things generally go according to the wishes of both parties.

Now, as to extending an attraction into a full-blown relationship - again, there are too many individual differences to make generalized statements. Just like "civilians," there are providers who are in exclusive relationships, and there are providers who state that they "don't need boyfriends/husbands" at all. It really depends on the situation/background/emotional state/needs of the woman in question.

One thing to consider is this: Many people envision provider lives as some unusual 24/7 "lifestyle." While I don't doubt that there are providers who live their jobs - after all, there are scads of people who profess to be workaholics or just so enamored of their professions - lo and behold, once a provider is "off the clock," she becomes a civilian like the rest of us. She goes to the supermarket, the movies, takes vacations, hangs out with friends/family/loved ones - in fact, she could be your neighbor next door - to the immense shock and dismay of unsuspecting "soccermoms" as we've sometimes seen in the press.

It's only our own propensity for exoticizing and separating OURSELVES from the provider that makes us objectify her as something "OTHER." From a post-modern theoretical viewpoint, it's really adopting a superior stance, and one can ask oneself what this means from a 'humanizing' perspective. We look at the provider as not only an object rather than a person, but also as someone/something 'DIFFERENT' from ourselves. In my opinion, that's a bit of a slippery slope. The provider has to 'earn' the status of being perceived as 'a normal person,' or in this case - a civilian.

Of course, I'm not saying MeSoooHorny is doing this in particular; what I am proposing is that we categorize, objectify and 'anthropologize' when we set a particular set of people apart for something they say or do that is different from the majority.

In any case, I'm digressing. So the long and short of it is that the individual differences are so great, that it's impossible to truly spot a distinctive pattern - except the one that makes the majority of males out there [see TER poll archive, fyi] unwilling to knowingly engage in a long-term relationship with a provider.

Now why would "civilian" men have these problems...?
the Love Goddess

There are three things we know for sure about the real historical Jesus: that he was executed as a criminal, that he drank wine with a lot of friends, and that his friends included lepers and prostitutes.

He was dead opposed to the caterizing and stigmatizing people that LG rightly criticizes, too.

Men who say t ey would never have a provider as a SO should be ashamed.

Too bad there aren't more like him around today.

Having known at least a dozen providers quite well for periods ranging from two to almost twenty years, I can state that I know of only one who has had a pretty good LTR with someone, and that someone is I.

It's kind of sad, and most likely a result of the oppressive climate in which providers and hobbyist have to inhabit; but there it is.

I am curious how one could have a "real" relationship and lie about that?  It seems impossible, but apparently not.

I am curious as to how often that is the case.

How many providers have relationships with men who do not know what they do for a living?

Actually quite a few, terrev,

It seems to be a combination of two things: great trust on the part of the man, and a great ability to compartmentalize and create a dual identity for the woman.

One provider I met was married. Her husband believed she had an interior design business; another had a long term boyfriend who assumed his intended was a stockbroker. This was not a lie; she did have the registration and the membership in NASD, etc., but did not consummate any deals other than those of commercial sex work.

Another very successful provider in New York would leave for work around 10am and be gone all day. During this time, she would service "the lunch bunch" and the "afternoon tea set" in various upscale hotels, only to return home at 5pm. Her SO believed that she had "an assistant's job" in an office. And this was before the cellphone era, so she would need a good cover as to why he wasn't allowed to call her at work!

There are as many stories as there are women. Central to these arrangements were a deep fear of loss of the relationship, fear of abandonment, great love for the partner, and an intense desire not to hurt him with the truth. As to the male partners, they were trusting and not too inquisitive. The women, all in their 20s and 30s, maintained these relationships for several years, much like any heterosexual relationship among contemporary young, urban professionals. When the relationships broke up, the women were single and eventually met other men. The coverups continued and their dual identities became further consolidated and solidified.

Interestingly enough, these women also did not divulge their true professions to their non-provider friends. They had two distinct lives and the two never intersected. When questioned, the women cited "losing the relationship" and "hurting my boyfriend/husband" as the main reasons for not revealing their true professions. It also appears that the men in question were "reg'lar guys" who indeed would be loath to accept that their partner worked as an escort/provider.

I plan to do a study on dual identities of providers, starting next year. I expect to have some interesting results to bring you all. Until then, just keep asking the questions on this very board!

What say the ladies, please,
the Love Goddess

Personally I just dont
If I leave the biz I would, but would NOT have an outside relationship,mind you, I am not your 24/7 gal, do this so veryyyy rarely

Glad I've asked an incisive question, LG.  You can cite me in your credits! (lol)

Very interesting.  I've run into a local provider who actually is bisexual engaged in a civilian relationship with another traveling provider.  Now hooking up with those two would be a real menage et trois, eh?  I think that was what got the questions flowing in my mind - how do straight providers interface in the real world?  One of the other providers I know has a BF but he lives in an adjacent state and thus she has many convenient excuses - but has a daughter in high school who knows nothing of her daytime activities.  Intriguing!!  It would lead one to ask the question did she deliberately seek out this gent - with the convenience of separation - or did it happen by chance?

It seems many providers I've had the pleasure to be with seem to be going it solo.  I would think that being the provider in the hobby would complicate the private life greatly.  Certainly if a civilian relationship developed it would have to be in the context of enjoining subsequent to providing rather than prior - or at least perhaps the majority would do so.  Otherwise, I just think all the maneuvering might be difficult to achieve - some people just ask more questions, etc.

Anyway, veeedy eentaesting topic.  Thanks for your input.

MSH

Women can intellectualize any situation.  The trick is getting their feelings, emotions from getting out.  The more you intellectualize, is where the the hiding the truth gets out of control and eventually kills the feelings. My ex was into this and she could not get a good nights sleep.  Many nights she would be talking in her sleep.  The dreams persist and won't stop is what she said. Finally she said I was the problem.  She told me she could not live a normal life anymore because of the dreams. Conscience? Emotional disturbance? She would recall each and every date.  Poor thing.  I would say that a woman in this business is going to have a hard time later on in life when her body can't please a man to make the dough.  In long term view of a womans internal make (not physical) emotional and mental visualizations, thoughts, percepts, feelings, will  have much to regret reflecting on life.  I would say that from the few I have encountered and tried to understand, that they do not really view deeply their lives and can only see the current material world.  Money money money! What else is there?  
I would goes as far as to say without hurting anyone with this, that life is messed up from all perspectives.  Whether you're a CEO, a ditch digger, a waste management guru, etc, all walks of life have many issues. Everyone has faults. No one is perfect.  Do our best to make life a better place for all.  Too much of anything is poison.

There are thousands of married or otherwise committed guys out there who love their SO's dearly, but still hobby.   (I was one of them).  There are a multitude of reasons for this, nearly all of them valid.   I suspect the reasons, fears, etc are pretty much the same for providers as well as hobbyists.   Each of us must weigh the risks vs. benefits, and make our own choices.   This really is a facinating hobby, isn't it?

i'm very happily married for the past 4 years, the Husband and i have been together for 7, since i was 18. He is much older (the way i like it..*grin*), and we do have an "alternative" sort of relationship. we live a D/s lifestyle and our erotic life is rather intense, perhaps extreme to some. 3somes, gangbangs, outings to swinger's clubs and parties are pretty much routine for us. He enjoys loaning me out to other men and he really, really enjoys the fact that i am a provider. it was a lifetime fantasy of his to have a mate who was in the business, and it was always a fantasy of mine to be used by men for money.

i discuss all my clients with him, and he even helps me to weed through emails and such and lets me know which men i should contact and which i should ignore. and yes every time i see a client, my Husband will be hearing all about it later. He tells me about his job, i tell him about mine. He wants to make sure i'm safe and happy with what i do, and of course he also gets his own perv thrills out of it. so i can't relate to the dual identity thing...i am just me, always.

i couldn't fathom being in a committed relationship and keeping this a secret...to me that would indicate some huge issues in the relationship overall.

I've hobbied just for a relatively short period of time.  I'm finding myself at the brink on an interesting moment where the routine of performance - and *lack* of connection - are bothering me.  This strikes me as odd - because while I like the anonymity and "NSA FFB" aspect of the hobby, I also find that providers tend to put up a screen, if you will, to put their clients at arms length.

I find myself wanting to be able to establish dialog with 1 or 2, but it only becomes real at the time of encounter - and then drops off.  I'm wondering if I want something that's mutually inconsistent.  But I find myself realizing that even if the hobby is a NSA FFB enterprise, ultimately it is about the interaction of 2 people and in that context it is personal.  Where I think the difficulty may arise for some providers is the prospect they may have to submerge their feelings about their clients - and the need to keep a distance - thereby potentially creating internal conflict.  And I also admit that with others, its a NSA FFB enterprise, and that's all it is.

Interesting.

MSH

Exactly what you mean about the lack of connection. I've been incredibly lucky to find a woman who is willing and able to manage the type of connection you say you're missing.

It's pretty special.

At tax time the gals would have no W2's for taxes. How would stockbrocker or office asst. explain that? Perhaps the interior designer could claim she had a cash only consulting business.

I checked the acronyms list and saw no translation of "FFB" so can someone please update it to define it for us?

I know there have been times for me that I was hit on and I went with it..Its nice to hook up the old fashioned way lol sometimes when he doesn't know what I do. I do have a very normal drama free life, I work a part time real job too.
I choose to keep what I do my little secret from friends and family just a couple of my friends know what I do and their cool with it. As for hooking up with someone outside of this business I do sometimes but I'm always upfront to the fact that I'm not looking for a relationship I like being single and plan on staying that way. So they are not mislead in thinking there could be more and if they are ok with being friends with benefits that's great. The reason I don't tell people what I do is the fact that most don't understand this business. How the Internet changed it. All most want to think is your a low class street walker lol. Little do they know how fun we have. XOXOXO oh Just a thanks to all my guys for being true gentlemen and treating me so good.

NSA FFB = "no strings attached fuck for bucks"

MSH