There are some things about aging that you just can’t appreciate until you get there.  For example, I had always assumed that as I got older I would just naturally continue to be interested in the women of my age generation.  And I think if I had remained married and grown old together with someone, this might have been the case.

But I’m divorced and in my late 50’s, and dating, if you can even call it that at my age.  And despite the fact I consider myself to be a fairly highly-evolved male, I’m probably as bad as anyone I know in terms of only being attracted to women far younger than myself.

I’ve spoken with men in their 70’s and 80’s and they all say the same thing- it won’t change until they cover you with dirt.  Whether you’re 20 or 80-years old, men continue to be attracted to the same visual cues of female youth, and by implication those things that convey fertility.  I guess the only difference is how foolish you’re willing to look in the process- and we all know those limits have yet to be reached!  While I fully understand this from an evolutionary perspective, as a practical matter, dating 20-somethings isn't an option since I'm not Gates or Getty wealthy.

While I don’t wish to kick the hornet’s nest of the great “women as sex objects” debate, the fact is, they are sexual beings and their appearance sends a very loud and clear message to men.  But despite the fact that I’ve aged, my reference frame for sexual attraction hasn’t.

Guys on this site may just say see young providers- problem solved.  But escorts only offer a sweet confection sold by the hour, and that’s not a real solution.  A 20-something woman may offer a perfect face and body, but in terms of her overall development as a person, she’s barely out of training wheels.  And this is the conflict I've been unable to resolve.

I assume therapist must deal with this problem frequently with married couples, but their shared history makes it a different situation IMO.  Do you have any advice or techniques on how to reset the basis of sexual attraction for those still dating and meeting for the first time?

The only solution I came up with was marrying an Asian lady 16 years younger than myself, who looks up to 35 years younger than me. Not only that, in her culture it is just assumed that the guy sees professional women, but doesn't partake in illicit affairs. I'm a pretty happy with my solution to the problem, but I just know I'm going to get a lot of flack.

Sure do, G2,

There's really nothing to "reset" here, only in-depth realizations that come with a lot of mature thinking. Attraction is one thing, but acting upon it is a different matter. You may NEVER lose your attraction to younger women [and why should you, really?], while understanding that young chicks might not be your best option in the long run [unless you want to be with providers, as you pointed out.] This is an issue where ability to listen to the big head is key. It's no mystery, really - just go through the logical reasons for why being with someone significantly younger is diffiicult IN THE LONG RUN. N.b. I return to the "in the long run" leitmotif.

Since I do therapy/coaching with an overwhelmingly male population in their 50s-60s, I have asked some of them as a "Devil's advocate" why they don't want to date firm and gorgeous 20 year olds. What's interesting is that the responses are remarkably similar. Most of them shake their heads, smile, and point out that they have nothing in common with these girls. On top of it, they all say that 20-year olds - or even 30somethings - are not patient, understanding or INTERESTING. The last one seems to be at the top of the list - not interesting. I interpret that to mean that these women don't have a life history that is commensurate with that of a guy in his 50s and beyond. But of course these men acknowledge the beauty and sexual attraction to young girls, but it doesn't seem to go further.

In any case, it seems to be a conscious decision for these men to look but not touch someone younger. I don't praise one behavior over another, i.e. if a man thinks he can get a young girl, then go for it. I'd wonder more about a young girl who wants to be with a geezer, but that's usually about wallet and not looks, lol.

So you may have to live with the fact that there is no "reset;" instead, there is most likely the slow but gradual realization that the flesh is still willing, but the spirit is weak (to turn that phrase around.) I mean, I think guys in their 20s are gorgeous and really hot...but would I want to be with one long-term? Gawd no.

Remember Jimmy Carter - he lusted in his heart,
The Love Goddess

Here's how it works for me.

I know quite a few mature gals, both escorts and civies, with whom I share varied intellectual interests, and with whom I enjoy their company.

I find that this activity eventually leads to sexual attraction on both our parts.

In one case, this has come to fruition with a civie, which is another matter to be dealt with, but the theory is sound.

as a 70 year old man recently widowed, i have had to face the prospect of dating again after 51 years of marriage. i am currently dating a 57 year old who thinks she is still 40 and looks it. i think i am still in my fifties and the both of us make love like we are in our twenties. so IMHO look at the older ladies with a renewed lust and enjoy life to the fullest.

Camille Paglia had an interesting essay in the Styles section of the Sunday NY Times this past week.  A combination of pop culture stimulation and social expectations place a strain on ALL of our sexuality and what we perceive as what is acceptable in meeting our needs! Of course, true connection provides intimacy and not just release.  Regardless of age, marital status or external looks, I think we all struggle to find fulfillment in today's world.
And it doesn't get any easier.

to improve his appearance if he wants to have success dating.  The appearance of the women I've met is not conduce to wanting to stick around to find out if they're interesting or not.

My objective isn't to date much younger women that I find sexually attractive- that's not even an option. It's how to be attracted to women within 5  years of my age in a dating situation.  And I've got to be frank, I've been very disappointed with what's out there, and I say that from the perspective of both personality (personal development) and appearance.

During the course of my adult life, I've had two great intellectual relationships with women where we clicked as much on an intellectual level as a physical level.  I married the first, and dated the second for six years.  So I know what that's like and it's  the best thing in the world to experience.  But it's been ten years since the last one ended (interestingly enough, she was a psychologist), and I haven't come close to meeting anyone of her caliber since.

Frankly, despite the fact that it's now been nine years since I've had a girlfriend of any type (after having nearly continuous GF's for the previous 30 years), I can't even derive much pleasure from seeing providers.

And this is the source of my malaise.  I still look decent and feel that in many ways I'm at the top of my game, and certainly way too young to be calling it quits.  But that seems to be the choice I'm left with- satisfy myself with providers, or date someone who looks like she was in a train wreck.  

As an aside, a few months ago an attractive 42-year old woman had been flirting with me over the course of several weeks, and even my friends were telling me she was obviously in to me.  It must have been the wine she'd been drinking, however, because I later found out she was seeing someone.  But for those few weeks I couldn't believe how alive I felt to think that I might have another at-bat and that I might still be able to be with someone I found both attractive and interesting.  But that brief experience also reminded me how much I'd been missing.  And now that I've gone 0-1 for the last decade, I'm back to where I started, hence my original post and the ennui.

Thanks to those that responded to my question.

what I posted in a previous thread about the changing roles of men and women, and the definition of masculinity.  Of course, she makes these points like an artist, whereas I'm just a journeyman at best.

What she said about the corporate environment merging the sexes into interchangeable pieces is very true.  What she left out, because it wasn't her point or she hasn't experienced it, is how the corporate obsession/fear over sexual harassment lawsuits has made men afraid to talk with women except just for business.  This has put a real barrier between co-workers.

I worked for a company that had way too many lawyers on staff, and most of the guys, including me, finally just quit talking to the women unless work required it.  It was a sad situation for everyone.

But reading Paglia's comments about the similarity of the sexes in modern life and how men have become an appendage of the mommy machine, I was reminded of something that happened to me last year.  I was the general manager of an organization that was renting out the facility for a WWII era film shoot.  We had about 300 extras in uniform and civilian clothes (men and women) milling around for two days, especially during their breaks and lunch.

As I was walking back from lunch I commented to one of my colleagues how attractive the women were in their 40's styles dresses and make-up and I just couldn't put my finger on it.  Apparently, I was overheard by two older women of about 75-years that were walking in front of me.  They stopped and said "It's no secret- back then, men were men and women were women and they dressed and acted like it."  She was right.  There's something wonderful about the differences between male and female, and I think we lose a lot when we blur them to the point of being interchangeable, as Paglia suggested.

G2 "During the course of my adult life, I've had two great intellectual relationships"
"A 20-something woman may offer a perfect face and body"

When I quit High School in 9th grade I  dropped out of the loop of the younger girls, took some night courses at the liberal arts college down the street,and pursued the older  girls on campus, and at the Medical college a mile away . If the college girls had been caught training me, the police would call it molestation.In their defense I had a fake ID to get in the college bars,so they didn't know how bad they were. In the administrators defense, I might have been the first High school drop out minor with persistence, who forged documents to gain admittance.It wasn't easy but most things worth doing aren't. I remember it fondly as a fantastic part of my ad-lib street sense and sex education. I still laugh thinking back to some of the erotically  specific tutoring sessions.Slow down and softer are the three words I remember the most..
As I grew older I still desired the college girls until I hit early 30s and although the young ones   continued to oblige, I slowly discovered the 30 somethings had much more to offer mentally, emotionally,and physically,and I seldom was asked  to meet their parents.I don't know why it happened but I usually desire a 30ish face , body, and aura, much more than a younger lady..Like I said before, I will go as low as 25 if I'm in a pinch.
I also had a great relationship with a psychologist, but after a couple years she finally realized she would never figure me out,or control me, as there are no case studies to compare me with.
Since I am not what those who  are qualified to grade,would consider of the caliber of the  intellectually elite, I have a much easier time finding a lady who makes me happy on a mental level, and I never  fear a GF who is more  intelligent than me, or makes more money.Trust me or not, "most" and I mean "most" as in almost all ladies like having a guy around that treats her special, without  "acting" like he is smarter than her, as long as you don't play doofus.   From my perspective the most important thing in my life is maintaining happiness and optimism and many ladies desire the same.
I speak three languages fluently, so I can often fool the mentally elite lady I meet into thinking she has something she doesn't, at least temporarily.
Life is great and I am silently preparing myself for the day I have to resort to a majority of 40 something civvys.
When that reality hits, I will figure out a way to cope.
Life goes on...Hopefully

 

I felt hobbying and seeing Playmates, Porn Stars, etc had ruined me as far as finding women who are contemporaries, or at least closer to my age.  But since dating, I have found several closer to my age who have really delivered in the spark department.

My advice is to just let yourself experience each person you meet as an individual, with no preconceived notions and no expectations.  You will be surprised how these "older" women act and look.

I want to be like that when I reach that age.

i play golf 3 times a week and have no special diet. i just enjoy life and try to look upon all women as beautiful.

Eight years ago my wife and I separated after 19 years of marriage. For the first 50 years of of life I had sex with only one person, then I had sex with countless women when I started hobbying 5 years ago. I can see that, had I stayed married, I could grow old and be happy with my wife.

Now that I am single, I cannot imagine being committed to a woman my age. I'm 55 and all providers think I'm around 35. They might be exaggerating; I think I look more like 40. Perhaps that's because I'm Asian. So it is hard to especially difficult to date someone my age.

Some providers asked me if I would marry again. I would always say no. It is not the I believe I could never find a woman in her 30's, but I wouldn't want to be committed unless I'm sure that I would be willing to retire from this hobby.