I recently got this e-mail from my ATF in response to a request to meet her: "I'm soooo busy. I wasn't available on ___and won't be available on____The week after, I'm planning on taking off. I didn't mean to not write.I'm just overwhelmed with e-mails." Mind you, this was written several weeks after she wrote me that I'm "very kind,thoughful and genuinely caring" amongst other cordial exchanges we had over time. Judging by the tone of her e-mail I feel that she isn't disposed to meet me anymore.Would you agree? Also, I intend to request another meeting and pointing out what I just mentined is my feeling. Do you see any point in doing so, or just forget it and move on? Thank you  

-- Modified on 6/7/2006 1:44:28 PM

Apparently she my be your ATF, but you are not hers.
See my post below and maybe you will get a similar answer from LG.
As I learned......move on and enjoy sex for the fun of it.
gmr out

Dear puzzledhobbyist,

Unfortunately this is one of those situations where projection gets the best of any and all of us. I hate to break it to you, but...she may be your ATF, but you may not be hers. To her, you may simply be a really, really nice client. And so immediately, you are not on equal emotional footing. And, because her emotional investment is less than yours, she's got the upper hand. Remember, the one who is in control of the sex is always in control of the relationship. Ugh.

She may certainly be disposed to meet with you again, but only she knows when. And so the real issue is, do you want to wait, or do you want to honor your genetic imperative and search out different fish in the sea? I do caution all, both hobbyists and providers alike, to get involved with each other beyond just the sheer fun/sex aspect of this game. Because it IS a game. A fun one, but nevertheless a game. It is very rare that a provider will let you into her innermost authentic world. You may believe you're in there, mainly because she is excellent at what she does and because she may be able to communicate and titrate just the right dose of emotional intimacy to sustain the phantasy. And so, you begin to project all sorts of things and feelings onto her. Luckily, your genes are working for you, and unless you really, really fall deeply in love [yikes, I caution against this severely,] I suggest that you explore other potential avenues in wait of this one's return. If you are not ready for that and still want another meeting, PLEASE do not "point out" your feeling and/or your hunch about her not being disposed to meet you anymore. This will just antagonize and irritate her even more, and she may give a snappy retort...or worse, she may engage in complete "bad faith," meaning, she may lie grandiosely to herself and to you in the moment. And then, she'll feel bad that she did, and she won't see you at all after that.

Simply put, don't get emotionally engaged in these ATFs, it'll only lead to some form of heartbreak. They should be your ATFs sexually, not romantically. If you're not able to compartmentalize, like most successful providers, then you're at a disadvantage, gamewise. Harsh but true.

Be puzzled no more, dear hobbyist,
the Love Goddess

to be brief I didn't mention some important details:
(a)She's only my sexual ATF, though I feel some bond to her for reason (b).

(b)It all started with her sharing with me a moment of distress when she was informed that she'd have to undergo cancer surgery of a most serious kind and to keep writing her while she would be recuperating at her parents' home.Needless to say I was deeply affected and kept lifting her spirits through e-mails (without her ever responding)although she later apologized for not responding.

In short, it's a tangled web of positive and negative emotions on her part.On my part, it's the attachment that comes when someone confides in you such a personal matter. I haven't given up hope that she's telling the truth of being very busy and that she intends to take some time off as I know she hasn't been on vacation for almost a year. I'd be interested in your opinion in light of this info.  Thanks again

given her medical condition, it is just possible that she is in no condition to entertain, and does not want to upset you.

Give it time.

LG:  excellent post, as per usual.

If I need a therapist, I hope that they are as gifted as you.

She's completely recovered and is back working since early '06. Thanks.

-- Modified on 6/7/2006 6:42:02 PM

Oh puzzled,
I hate to be so crass, but the day she gives it up for free, that's the day that you have a relationship that warrants an "attachment." My point is, watch out for your statement "I haven't given up hope that she's telling the truth of being very busy." In that statement, we find:

1. Your fear that she might not be telling the truth. Now ask yourself where does that fear come from? Do you actually fear losing her, because of your deepened emotional attachment to her? I have a hunch she isn't just your sexual ATF. After all, you do feel "some bond to her."

2. Hope that she is not lying to you, since that would be breaking a trust that has been created..in your mind, at least? So what if she is lying to you? What happens then? I'd bet you'd get hurt...because you DO have a bond with her.

You are also stating that "it's a tangled web of positive and negative emotions on her part." I'd be so bold and say, these are your projections onto her. Actually, YOU are the one with the tangled web of positive and negative emotions. I'd also be so bold as to say that for her, you are a nice CLIENT for whom she has some positive feelings. But my dear puzzled, this is a FUCKING business, to put it very crudely. From all angles and with all emphases. She is not your tax accountant, not your psychotherapist, not your lawyer, not your physician. She is providing sex for money. Granted, it doesn't have to [and definitely shouldn't!] be a wham-bam-thankyou-maam experience when you meet. It can contain romance, humor, depth and fascination. But you need to understand that it is for the moment only. I'd say that an encounter between a hobbyist and a provider is like a great scene in a film. You get carried away in the moment, you experience the action with all your senses, but....when the credits roll and the lights go on inside the theatre, you all need to get back to normal, throw away the candy wrappers, and stow away the memories until the next feature.

As to the fact that she had cancer surgery and never responded to your letters...well, that ought to be an indication. I'm not even going to go there, you know what I have to say about that. And yet, I don't blame the provider one bit. She's providing a fabulous service, otherwise you wouldn't have become so engaged. But please, dear puzzled, the writing is on the wall. And it says "provider has no emotional investment in hobbyist beyond provider-client professional relations." Otherwise, you'd be dating her gratis.

Ugh, these reality checks are difficult,
the Love Goddess

eom

It’s a F*cking business and all about the money. The ugly reality