I have a hypothetical situation.

I go to a psychologist every week for a 1 hour session. I have been going for a number of years and sometimes seem pleasant but other times seem harried.  I recently made overtures to her and she has reciprocated.  We now have torrid sex almost every session and are even having trysts out of town.

I also see providers as a hobbyist and have a number of ATFs but a relationship with one special lady I have been seeing for 3 years has created a mutual emotional, spiritual, and fraternal bond.

I have not told my ATF about the therapist, and have not told my therapist about my ATF, though she does know I hobby.

So I have gotten into similar situations with two different ladies, one started out as sexually intimate, then developed into communication intimacy, the other started out with the other way around! But both resulted in the same situation!

My question is this:

Why do I feel guilty about cheating on my ATF but not on my therapist?

TET Guiltless in LA

-- Modified on 5/20/2006 9:19:22 AM

consider this: with your ATF you get the sex you paid for;OTOH,you pay your psychiatrist for one service and get sex for free!

BTW, I'm curious which option is cheaper/per hour?

Reear Love Goddess

Dear E ticket,
Well, I sure hope this is a hypothetical situation! For your emotional health's sake, mostly! First of all, it is not only unethical but also illegal for a licensed mental health professional to have sex with a client. In fact, having any kind of dual relationship (meaning, a relationship other than clinician/client) is strictly prohibited and a crime. Your psychologist is NOT allowed to do ANYTHING ELSE with you except treat you verbally in her practice. Period.

And this, I believe, relates to the answer to your question as to why you don't feel guilty "cheating" on your therapist. Because you are NOT cheating on your therapist, you are doing exactly what you are supposed to do - having sex with someone else (your ATF) other than the person who is there to treat your mental health issues.

You see, the psychologist is - by virtue of her status as a professional in whom you have confided and from whom you have sought advice - an authority figure in a power position. It hasn't been a two-way street, such as in the relationship with your ATF. You came to your psychologist for advice and direction, and she abused the confidence you placed in her by engaging in seduction. If you made "overtures" to her, she should have processed them in the session with you, normalized the feelings, helped you work through your attraction, and then gone on to help you mentally. In fact, your trust in her would probably have strengthened and your sessions could really have become meaningful instead of either "pleasant" or "harried." But to abuse a client who is in a vulnerable position (remember, you're making intimate disclosures to her in treatment, not the other way around) and to engage in sex when the playing field is not level, that's not fair play, and the law clearly allows for correction of this power abuse.

Now, I would have a detailed psychodynamic/psychoanalytic explanation for why you don't feel guilty, and perhaps this is not the right forum for that discourse. But, in short: YOU have been seduced by your psychologist. Never mind that you were the one who "made overtures," analytically speaking, she still 'granted your infantile wish,' despite knowing that it was wrong. In that sense, she is the parent and you are the child. So when a parent grants a child's wish, even though the child knows it's wrong, the child doesn't feel guilty. Does the child feel guilty if the parent gives the kid extra candy when the child asks for it? No. The child is aware that eating too much candy is wrong (parent said so many times,) but child whines a little and parent gives in. So why should the child feel guilty, when it's the parent who made the decision to gratify the child's wishes?

Again, I do hope this is all hypothesis and that you were just bored on a Saturday morning. If not, I would encourage you to stop your relationship immediately, switch psychologist and return to sexing it up with one of your ATFs. If you have created a "mutual emotional, spiritual and fraternal bond" with a particular one, then yes, you probably do feel guilty. We're talking about two people on equal footing, at least emotionally. Neither one of you is in a power position, you have a clear line of communication established, and seem to have healthy boundaries vis-a-vis one another. Although having more than one ATF seems a little moot, no?

Be careful out there please,
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 5/20/2006 7:37:30 PM

-- Modified on 5/20/2006 8:10:49 PM

If you pay the psychologist - are they not in your employment... and as such, are YOU not their boss... sooo from that how do you get "the psychologist is ... an authority figure in a power position"?  help me... I'm soooooo lost... it is rediculous...

The psychologist becomes the authority figure because s/he is providing advice and counsel which the patient seeks. The patient then follows the advice of the psychologist. Of course the patient can "fire" the psychologist, but in most cases, patients become dependent on their psychologist's advice and help. Most patients listen to what they hear and do as they are told. After all, that is why they are paying....to get the best advice possible. And in that respect, the psychologist claims some authority over the patient's mind. And that can become very problematic, if the patient has problems making decisions for himself. It's just like building a house. You pay your contractor to build the best house possible. If you know absolutely nothing about contracting, then you will definitely listen to your contractor. The only time YOU exercise your power, is when you stop paying. But until then.. and that is my advice to this person: stop paying and go elsewhere.
Hope that helped,
Love Goddess

as having authority over me.  It makes it more fun.

Great forum LG.  I was wondering where all the action went.