I have been playing at this hobby for a very long time.  I have had fantastic physical/sexual experiences and have met some wonderful, warm, sexy, and giving women.  Its been a great ride.

Lately I have been wondering about my motivations and I wonder about my fellow hobbyists' motivations.

Some of the possible reasons to hobby are:
1. Purely physical/sexual release.
2. Sexual encounters with beautiful and possibly otherwise unobtainable women.
3. Ego boost as we enhance our self image by having sexual encounters with gorgeous, desirable women.

Do you feel more satisfied if you believe that you have given sexual satisfaction to a provider?  

Is that an important motivation for seeing that provider again and again?  

Do you only see providers again if they have had an orgasm with you?  

Do you see providers again in order to show them that you are a good lover?

What factors have I not included here?



-- Modified on 2/15/2007 7:27:39 AM

-- Modified on 2/15/2007 2:51:53 PM

When I meet someone I really like, I'll see them frequently because I enjoy the conversation and even the presence of the person.

It is a under-rated but very important quality that I need in my life.

All the other things you mention are siginificant also.  I'm not sure how to divvy them up; I think it depends on the person.

"Do you feel more satisfied if you believe that you have given sexual satisfaction to a provider?" ----

Yes.  Even if I do not get off physically, if I am able to give real pleasure to the female form I find I buzz with an intoxicating energy that will last for days.

I also hobby for the convenience.  As I observe beautiful women "out-and-about" and feel myself drawn to their magic, I realize how much effort and deception it takes to be a "Playa".  In my younger years I would go the Likus-type of route in order to achieve physical gratification;  which always leads to someone's misunderstanding or hurt feelings.  The price of deception is too high. And let's face it, once you're in your 40's the young mid-20's to early 30 hotties only really want your cash anyways.  Unless the chase and set-up is your cup of tea, why bother?  In a consumer culture, I prefer to get my hour of "religious service" in a one shop, one stop, one payment convenient form.

Dear Livingverylarge,
One reason for hobbying that you may have omitted would be:

The lack of sexual validation and appreciation for a physical relationship from a wife, fiancee, girlfriend, or significant other.

Many men, as we have seen on this board, are ambivalent about hobbying and would not do it if their sexual situation on the homefront was more satisfying. In addition, some couples - and this goes for both men and women, so no singling out here - get into a rut and forget or are unable to communicate some "horniness" and plain lust to their partner.

Frequently, this creates bitterness in both parties, and men, who have a considerably higher sex drive than women, do resolve to fix the problem. For some, what starts as a last resort becomes a viable solution to a lingering domestic issue.

Another factor can also be to expand one's sexual repertoire. Some men have had very little sexual experience in their lives, for various reasons. Hobbying becomes an outlet for gaining experience and being able to experiment a little. In that case, I have found that it's less about bedding a "beautiful" or "unobtainable" woman, and more about meeting a compassionate and caring provider who can guide the hobbyist with some gentleness into heretofore unchartered territory.

Some, although they are a minority, have reportedly visited with providers to end their virginity status. From what I understand, this involves men from more traditional, non-Western cultures, where there has been a tight familial rein on social activities.

These are just some reasons...your fellow hobbyists will surely provide many more.

Enjoy your study,
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 2/15/2007 3:22:27 PM

Everyone needs to have intimacy, but emotional intimacy is dangerous - you have to reveal your vulnerabilities to another person.  Civilian relationships are full of uncertainty and ambiguity -- there's always the potential of getting hurt. The rules of civilian relationships are often unclear, or subject to change.  

The hobby is an arena in which physical -- and the appearance of emotional -- intimacy can be experienced in a safe setting.  You can be vulnerable for an hour, but you know it'll be over at the end of the hour.  The rules are clear and comforting -- there's no ambiguity about a hundred dollar bill; there's no uncertainty about what an hour is.  We can enjoy that intimacy in a safe environment.

- I'm in the bunch who loves every aspect of my long and wonderful family life with the SO with the exception of our sex lives.

- As such I would not ever be able to manage a civvy affair.  That arrangement carries a higher risk of turning into a romantic relationship and that is not something that I seek.  

-  That being said, I do enjoy it much more when I feel some sort of friendship connection with a provider.  I cannot escape the fact that sex remains very intimate to me and I do want us to enjoy each other's company for the hour or two that we might be together.  I've met postively fascinating women in my encounters.

- And then there is the fantasy fulfillment aspect.  As long as I'm going to do this then I can at times kill a few birds with one toss so to speak.  So yes at times the swimsuit, the fashion, the calendar girl, the Playboy/Penthouse, the Porn Star model are suddenly attainable.  And so I engage...

LG has stated exactly my motivation: 'The lack of sexual validation and appreciation for a physical relationship from a wife...'

After being faithful to my wife over a quarter century, I finally decided about a long while that she was never going to satisfy my need in that area.  But that's not sufficient reason for divorce, in my opinion.  The American idea that  one woman has to provide everything her husband needs is not necessarily correct.

Hobbying had enabled me to maintain the marriage, while also gaining sexual experience I never had previously. This has definitely made me feel better about myself, and be more caring of her and other people.

Providers are doing wonderful, important work.  They are saving many marriages which should be saved.  Their form of social work is illegal, but it shouldn't be - it should be honored.

Thank you, LG, for, as usual, being right on.

my reason is that as younger man i was painfully shy (why would she want to go out with me?) because of this mindset plus being rejected numerous times i had very little success (virgin till 26)

Excellent posts on this thread, all providing insights that resonate.  In my case, I am stuck on one provider because I have a level of comfort with her that is full of warmth, laughter, good cheer and even a bit of companionship in addition to the out of body physical experience.  It would take repeated visits with a totally compatible provider for me to even come close to the present situation, so I think the constant search for new and exciting conquests is more common with the younger hobbyists.  Yes or NO?

Probably yes, Barnaby34,
But it would depend on how comfortable the younger hobbyist is with his sexuality. If it's someone very inexperienced, he may find more comfort and security to explore with one special gal. Otherwise, I think you're on target!

Have fun with yours,
the Love Goddess

Love Goddess you definitely do rock!!!  

-- Modified on 2/18/2007 6:04:54 PM

-- Modified on 2/18/2007 6:05:29 PM

Love Goddess makes a very valuable point and finding gfe provider(s) allows a person to connect, sexually and emotionally if you are experiencing stress in another relationship.  The "release" with a provider can act as a stress release valve, taking the pressure off of a primary relationship.  Providers provide such a valuable, humane and compassionate service.  Our society is so fucking upside down with respect to the legal issues involved.

Well put, Tyoung.

BTW: Isn't it fun that, for American society, your 'fuckin upside down' term is truly pejorative.

Prudes don't know what they're missin.

This comes a little late in your discussions but anyways..
I've seen 3 so far in past few months. I plan on it again. What motivated me?
- In a horrible marriage that in almost no sense can be called that, 4.5 years of sleeping apart, pretty much zilch sex, stresses of various natures beyond imagination, essentially no love. Why it's this way, well this isn't a marriage counseling board so I'll let that be. Let's say though that it may end in next few months.
- Frankly, very little experience with women on any level prior to getting married.
- When we did have sex early in marriage, was very limited in scope of activities. Wife refuses to do a BJ. I was always the giver, did DATY on her countless times. Sex, for me, turned into a stressful event, almost never being satisfied myself. This has resulted in a very unhealthy perception of sex for me. So I'm trying to:
a) Recover from this negative (self-imposed I guess) conditioning. (Which based on provider experiences appears to be there.)
b) Gain more confidence sexually.
c) Explore more.
d) Get lots and lots of BBBJs! That I never had in my life before doing this hobby, and won't ever again if for some reason I stay with her (or perhaps anyone else I may meet).
e) Feel desired and to be intimate even if it's totally fake although I do wish for more than fake, and sometimes I feel more empty when the session is over because of that realization.
f) Be with some younger (i.e. early 20s) girls, maybe after developing more confidence, as I feel I missed out in life on being with them.

That may more or less sum it up.
I sound totally pathetic I just realized. Aliases are good, aren't they?
(btw, seeking emotional satisfaction sounds like an affair, doesn't it.. I suppose no one likes to talk about that here. I for one can't even believe I am doing this, and continue to.)

Dear Confoozed,
Unfortunately I don't believe your situation is unique - far from it. I wish you the best of luck as you continue to explore your sexuality...it sure has been long time coming.

There are so many marriages out there that parallel your situation. Healthy sexual scripting is laid down during our childhood and teen years. If parents take a punitive, negative or shameful view of sex, this will surely transmit to their offspring. In addition, conservative religious traditions can have a profoundly sex-negative effect on the joys of discovering and affirming one's own body, and that of another.

Also, there is indeed a "conditioning effect" when it comes to practicing sex. I say "practice," because no one becomes a good BJ-giver or DATYer overnight. These things have to be repeated, savored, reflected over, and configured over and over again. Good sex takes practice - that's why more mature providers with loads of sexual encounters under their garterbelts can be an excellent source of gaining new experiences.

I really, really hope that you get as many BBBJs as your big salami (5.5 was it?) can handle. You deserve them, and many more.

Have fun discovering,
the Love Goddess

I'll throw in my 0.02 on this one...

I grew up in a situation where my father was non-existant as a role model - and my mother raised me with the victorian-puritanical mores of a woman.  As an adolescent and young lad I was highly confused about how to approach women.  I would even say for a while I became somewhat concerned I was gay.  I had plenty of girlfriends and opportunities, but didn't have a sexual relationship with a woman until I was in my 20's.   I would say my approach to women was like "puttin pussy on a pedestal".

I've been married for 26 plus years to a wonderful person and have 2 lovely children, but I have always found the sexual end of the relationship to be less than gratifying.  My wife is just not adventuresome and doesn't think outside the box.  Plus I think as women enter menopause, their sex drive just tanks.  The other end is, quite frankly, I love women.  After living with my 2 daughters thru their adolescence and young adulthood, I have a vastly different perspective on women and how they should be treated in comparison to my earlier view.

So, in summary I think my reason for hobbying are several fold:

1)  I don't want to become involved in an affair.  It's too hard to do, takes up too much time, and I  really don't want to hurt my wife or my children.

2)  I think perhaps now I feel like I'm making up for lost time at midlife for all the sacrificing I made as a young guy trying to do well in school, be successful, etc

3)  I love women.  In some ways, I think they are more highly evolved than us guys and I like being with them.

4)  I'm a risk taker - and I like the thrill of the chase.

At this point in my life, I have never been more confident of who I am.  I love women - I love their design - their hands, their curves, their feet and toes - their anatomy.  There is just nothing more beautiful than a woman.  Having the opportunity to appreciate it - in a controlled setting - is something that makes me feel alive and vital.

I think that sums it up...

That were it not for a "relationship" with me.... that some would not remain married.  I totally agree with your opinion Greg.  And I feel honored so often to be "the one" that these men come to for that satisfaction.  I gain alot of self satisfaction in what I do....... and sometimes the most important part of what I do may be just LISTENING.  Yes..... this industry should be decriminalized.  How many more centuries do you suppose it might take?

And good for you for not going to your bed and lying down.  Keep doing what's best for YOU........and you'll find happiness.