I first got into hobbying almost a year, ago. I picked someone who really fascinated me. When I visited her for the first time, she let me stay for hours just talking. Each time I visited her, I hated to leave. I enjoyed her company, immensely. About 6 weeks, ago, she disappeared. Less than an hour, ago, I heard from her father that she died. She was in her late 20s. What a shock. I needed to share this with someone. This board is the only place that I can. I don't know if I can ever see another provider because I will think of her.

and what a tragedy to die so young too.

I presume that you must have become very close for her father to have mustered the nerve to contact you, had you ever met them?

I am also glad that this board is able to provide you with some consolation.

I hope that you are able to get over the grief again someday and enjoy all that life has to offer, including the wonderful women out there who you so admire.

Stay in touch and seek out any family or friends that you feel can provide solace to you as well.  It's very important to do so.

Dear infomike,

I believe that all of us on this board regret your loss and feel a great deal of empathy for you. We have seen your postings here in the past, and it seems you are a "regular" with us.

I am honored that this board is the only one where you feel you can post this sad message. Normally, I ask for postings with questions only, but this one is a definite exception.

My comment to this is that friendships between providers and clients often are 'clandestine,' marked by not only boundaries, but also 'social circumscriptions.' Often, both parties have nowhere to discuss these issues. Since you have been in contact with her father, perhaps he can let you know where she is resting, and maybe you can pay your last respects there in some fashion.

Our thoughts go out to you and to all who survive her,
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 4/11/2007 2:04:02 PM

-- Modified on 4/11/2007 2:05:02 PM

Ah, man. That's hard stuff. I can imagine it leaves a big hole but you'll find something to fill it with in time.

I as well, am sad to hear of your loss. I experienced a similar situation as well.
A few years ago, I met a provider who was very
inteligent, highly educated, great personaliy,
as well she was very kind, and open with herself
to me.
Well we began to become very close, and I was one
of those guys that she felt comfortable enough with, that she would email, and call me.
One evening she attempted to contact me, by phone,
and email, and instant mail, well long story is,
I was working on my computer, did not notice the
IM, and so I kept trucking along.
Well two days later, when I visited the local board,
I was shocked to find, She had taken her life.
I did not contact the family, her remains were
cremated, so end of story.
It took me along time to recover emotionally,
because I failed to see the signs of depression
in her, and in her last moments, I was not there
when she was in need of me as a friend,
I know, its not my fault, but I still feel bad
knowing that perhaps I could have been of assistance.

except it wasn't a provider, it was my wife. I really don't know which describes the initial shock better, a brick to the side of the head, or a hole the size of a basketball blown in your chest. lol.  Maybe both.  either way, it's a LOT of pain.  I sympathize with you, and although we all grieve differently, some things are indeed the same.      After almost 2 years, I can tell you my pain has diminished substantially, but it's still there, lurking in the background.   Speaking of background, she was bi-polar, and at age 47, after 25 yrs. of marriage, she took her own life.   I've felt nearly every sort of feeling you can imagine, from the obvious sorrow to relief that she'll never feel pain again, all the way to even being mad at her for leaving me in this way. That one really hurt, but I knew I had to feel it to go on.   Try to not deny your feelings, but deal with them as best you can, if you're like me, you'll come out a far better person.     Best of luck to you!   P.S. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk to someone who's been there.

Very good post and very kind offer. Having dealt with a close family member with a severe personality disorder, I understand how conflicting the emotions can be.

What brings me back to this forum is how people open up to one another and sometimes share their hearts.  This is a community and honey you are a part of it.  We all feel for you. Some have been there.

We must all remember that we are indeed fortunate to have the opportunity to share our lives with others and it can end in an instant.

Without knowing the circumstances it's difficult to say more than thank you for sharing your heart with us and we wish you and her family the best.

Hugs,
TS Jamie and Jessica

Thank you all for your encouraging responses. In answering some of your questions, I have an update. First of all, her father contacted me because he was monitoring her e-mails and was moved by my pleas for her to answer me. Anyway, he said that he would love to have me visit him and his wife and that they would give me directions to the grave. Needless to say, this is an awkward situation. I know that he knows what she was doing for a living, but he probably thinks that I am a friend and not one of her clients. I'm approximately his age and have been exchanging e-mail since the day I found out. It turns out she was with a "friend" when she died, apparently due to an asthma attack. An autopsy is being conducted. Strangely, she told me 10 days before she died that she was shocked because of what happened to Anna Nicole Smith, because she liked her. I don't know where this is all going, but how many of you here have ever met with your provider's parents?!

that you had the opportunity to spend some time with her... that is a gift that no one can replace.  She will always be with you - remember that - and hopefully you will heal and move on...
A loss like this is hard at best for anyone, and serves as a reminder that one day, none of us will be posting on this board any longer - so enjoy the company while it lasts.

This was the sudden loss of a love.  The fact that it was a paid love doesn't necessarily limit the pain at all.  

There are a few common social aids to help people through the loss of a spouse.  But no one sends a flower or card to someone who has lost an escort.

Consider these heartfelt responses are part of your support system.  We are here for you.  I hope, somehow, that helps a little.