We are frequently told that women tend more toward emotional attachments than men.  That whereas men tend to detach themselves from their wives and cheat by reading Playboy and expecting their wives to look thus, women do the same by reading their trash novels and do their husbands wrong by expecting their husbands to be romantic and emotionally attached as they read it.

My observation and puzzlement is this.  I am very oral, any session is incomplete without giving oral and my goal is to deliver orgasm.  This almost always happens.  I love to please, and I love the authencity that is displayed in the throws of orgasm...nothing is pretended...its real.  Thats the real attraction.

I have been puzzled about women..especially those that have had multiple orgasm and then after the session, are seemmingly detached and ready to leave.  Its not that they are not sweet, cuddly, warm...they are...I guess I am puzzled that they are not more 'appreciative' and more than that..that they do not feel a sense of low-level emotional attachment.

Dont get me wrong.  I do not want a relationship.  It just seems like it is how a man should act...that is..."knocked one orgasm out..ready for another"

Is the primary assumption correct and providers to survive suppress this?  Do they harden?  Is it any added incentive for a provider to see a guy who is physically attractive, and gives them a orgasm as part of the session?

I may sound self-centered and full of conceit, and I am not looking for any discount nor praise of my skills.  I guess, it is the quest for authenticity I crave, and it would be a turn on to see a genuine acknowledgement of a session that had some emotional impact.

Thoughts?

Dear quest234234,

I'm not sure what types of male-female relationships you are talking about. Provider or civilian interactions? Since your posting describes "sessions," however, for all intents and purposes I will imagine that you are describing your dealings in the commercial sex world.

If it's providers, well, then I think the answer is fairly easy. Yes, they need to protect themselves from emotional entanglements. So I doubt you'll see flagrant evidence of the type of 'emotional appreciation' that you seem to want.

As for the "authenticity" that you "crave," well, you may have to look for it among women who don't practice sexual intercourse as a profession. Yes, skilled providers are great actresses, but heck, if you want that starry eyed glow in their eyes and some thinly veiled prayers for a 'next time around,' I doubt you'll find it too frequently. Imagine if every provider opened herself up to emotional vulnerability after every client interaction. Imagine if a provider seriously hoped for more dates and a long-term engagement with every client. I'm not saying it doesn't happen - after all, providers are human females too. But what I'm saying is that by virtue of their professions, providers are more inclined to follow the evolutionary precepts of 'short term mating strategies,' where a clear exchange of goods/services occurs, for the advantage/benefit of both parties. In such interactions, display of emotions that signal further involvement may be absent or attenuated. It's less about "hardening," and more about following the rules of short term engagement. A provider can keep hobbyists on a short leash, and still let herself go as a civilian. But that entails having some "authentic" feelings for the person with whom she is consorting. And that's probably not you, at least not in a commercial sexual exchange.

As to "how a man should act" vs. how a woman does it...well, in short term mating strategies, both genders have shown to be remarkably similar. It is only during the possibility of a long-term emotional/parental investment and pair bonding, (from an evolutionary perspective) that you'll see evidence of oxytocin/dopamine rushes in the human female. It's got very little to do with if the client is physically attractive and/or "gives them an orgasm." It's basically about the value of the interaction itself, measured on an evolutionary scale, and the urge to protect one's investment. A provider's ability to engage in short term mating lies in avoiding pregnancy [again, viewed from an evolutionary perspective.] Were she to open up, she may damage [by pregnancy] the very goods that are her stock in trade. Hence, she has to protect herself from attempts to bond, and therefore focus on the exchange part of the deal, once coitus has been completed.

Finally, if 100% authenticity is what you want, then you'd better get into a non-commercial relationship -with all the emotionally 'authentic' aches and pains that it entails.

Give some, get some,
the Love Goddess



-- Modified on 1/30/2007 10:43:23 PM

Indeed, NOT Brainless in Boston,

Autonomic responses of ecstacy can't be actressed...but that little "extra emotional attachment vibe" can surely be masked, suppressed or even absent. Hence, the Stones lyrics so appropriate in this case:

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need...

Wonder what Mick thinks in his old age,
the Love Goddess

Heck I was just about to write a duplicate email to this!  The oral part of the session as well as the lady being fulfilled are the best part of the experience for me.  I had a very similar experience a few days ago.  Like you, I'm not trying to brag or anything like that, just a little perplexed by the (lack of)reaction afterwards.  
This was my first time seeing this lady, and we had an obvious chemistry right away just making small talk.  She had 2 very good orgasms during the oral part of our session, then when we got to the next part had 2 more "there was no way she was faking it/I hope she doesn't wake up the neighbors" orgasms. Lots of DFK throughout the whole session. I've been with a good number of ladies, both provider and not, in my day.  This was probably the best hour and a half I've spent in a bed, and there was no denying she had a heck of a good time too.  The chemistry was just electric.  We kinda cuddled for about 5 minutes after.  Then she started getting dressed, so I followed suit.  The conversation that followed is like one that I'd have with the guy at the garage after he changed the brakes on my car or something.  I've had my share of "average" sessions, but this certainly was not one.  I'm like you, not looking for love or anything, but after a session like that you'd think there would be some acknowledgement of what just happened.

Do you want a compliment on how great a lover you are?  You assume that the experience was out of this world for her because it was for you.  But, the reality is that she sees lots of men and maybe the experience that she had with you was nothing extraordinary in terms of her usual experience.  Maybe she considered it very good but not unusually good.

Providers have lots of sex.  Remember that they don't "need" to get laid.  It is a very frequent occurence and they have lots of different men with which to play.

You may have thought it was extraordinary but she may have thought it was just another good time.

I was afraid it would come off like I was looking for an ego boost or a compliment, which I didn't mean for it to.  The guy that started this thread was more eloquent in describing it than I was.  I guess I didn't "want" a compliment any more than I'd "want" a thank you from a buddy if I loaned him a grand if he was in bad financial times. But if he just took the money and didn't say a word, it would be kinda unexpected I guess.
Anyway I see your point and definitely thought about the things you mentioned.  And I've had plenty of average to very good sessions with providers, so I think I have a grip on reality as far as not having the misunderstanding that every provider will think I'm a stud(nor am I looking for them to.)  I do realize providers have lots of sex.  I just thought with the chemistry and her having 4 orgasms, it was a bit out of the ordinary.  If she has a large number of clients that give her more than that, I guess the life of a provider is better than I thought!

To me, its not about her worshipping me for being the greatest lover ever.
Its more that here is a average citizen, pretty girl..and for the last 45 minutes had been riding my face like (seriously) you would not believe.  I mean, grunting, screaming, and literally mashing her vulva into me.  It was the hotest thing ever.  Part of the time she rode facing my head, grabbing the bedpost and like a washboard, up and down my face.  3-4 orgasms.  Then switch to 69, her on top, 3-4 orgasm, then the biggie, followed my 2 more.  She admits that she can be 'a bit rough' and likes it hard.  
It was my 2nd visit, and I felt a sore jaw for a week after both, no kidding.  But it was erotic as hell.  I was just holding on for part of the time, sucked in her clitoris and like a lollypop, taking her in and out, as she roared out orgasm one after the other.
After, its like, talking with a cleaning lady about shoelaces or parking tickets.  
I find it bizarre.  To me, it was one of the most erotic experiences ever.  

I just came once, fucking (there is nothing more erotic than being in the 69 and she is emitting muffled moans that are obstructed by my cock in her mouth).  But she came so many times, her legs were shaking.  And now what?..."next one, serve 'em up like burgers?

We all have jobs to do, and do them with varying levels of enthusiasum, but if I had a job where I got an orgasm, I can tell you there'd be alot of overtime.

I have always wondered if the objective physical experience that a woman feels during an orgasm is quantatively and/or qualatatively different than what I guy experiences.  Guys will do anything and everything...just look at this TER and etc.  Women, though verbally screaming at the moment of orgasm, after, seemingly can take it or leave it.

Puzzled, thats all.

some more different than others.

My example leans the other way from a recent visit with a new lady.  She obviously got into the session and did a few things with me that I had never experienced before, like rubbing my little head on her clit.  At one point she asked to get on top and I abliged like a true gentleman.

When she was reaching for the o, I could have held off but what's better than simultaneous?  We collapsed with my body twitching for a while.  Yes it was that good.

We cuddled and talked openly afterwards and finally when it was time to leave she tells me "come back and see me *ANY* time".

Perhaps she's the best actress I ever met, perhaps she just had a good time.  I'll believe the latter.

Though women, not needing a refractory period, are considerably more multi-orgasmic than men, I doubt our physical responses during orgasm are all that different. Both involve an exciting build-up of tension, followed by intense pleasure upon release, via organs derived from common embryonic nerves.

However, male brain/female brain mental responses to orgasm may be quite different - the male being proud of accomplishing a goal, and (the civilian) woman being proud of either (a) starting a supportive relationship that could last, and/or (b) obtaining a better gene pool for her potential child.

Yes, many have observed there's often a glazed look that comes across the professional provider's face, as she approaches the door as her customer leaves.  Both men and women need to understand what may be happening there, and reach an accomodation about it.

Though she may indeed have just had a wonderful time, the woman simply has to protect herself mentally.  After all, this almost certainly is not going to be the long-term protective relationship women instinctively seek in a man.  So she has to "turn her euphoria off" for her own self protection...and get ready for the next client, or going home to her spouse or child or true significant other.

We men should try, hard though it is, not to take that turn-off personally.

On the other side: providers need to understand that, like the previous posters in this excellent thread have pointed out, the man may have unselfishly worked quite hard to satisfy her, and have taken great pleasures in helping her achieve her orgasm(s).  This is a matter of male pride, and is what nice guys try to do: "Lady comes first".

So: a word of appreciation is, I think, very appropriate...like the one quoted above, "You can see me anytime".  Or, "Thanks for having done so much to please me."  Or even "I liked being with you", or some other words to that effect.

This doesn't equal "I love you" or "I want to see you forever".  It's just a kind of "thank you" that an emotionally secure provider should be able to say, and, in my opinion, should say.

But we men need to understand: not all providers are self-assured enough to say it.

Part of the reason is our current culture, which strongly dictates that 'a woman can love or feel affection for only *one* man at a time'.  That's nonsense, if you think about it. But many women (as well as men) believe it.  Thus it becomes hard for many providers to say "I like what you just did for me" - because that could then be, in our culture, misread as some sort of exclusive love commitment, not just friendship.

Many may disagree with me: but I truly think it's a good thing for clients and providers to cultivate a few genuine friendships amongst those they see.  There is absolutely no reason why a provider cannot be friends with a few clients, and why clients cannot be true friends with a few providers.

I feel myself very lucky to have had some genuine and meaningful experiences of companionship with providers.  Recently, one called me from her hospital emergency room.  Another asked for help finding a new apartment, and I lent her some security-deposit money.  Another recently took me to lunch (and paid for it). These are all friendship things I would certainly have done with a male friend.  Why not with a provider I like and admire?

Mutual respect is the key. Unlike what current American society at large may think: there is nothing wrong with this honorable profession.  And there is no reason why the women and men in it cannot show mutual respect and treat each other, unafraid, with emotional appreciation and honesty.

Expressing feelings takes courage. Yes, feelings can get out of control. But they don't always have to. Being fully human is always hard; but it's well worth the risk.

-- Modified on 2/4/2007 10:51:59 AM

Such a wise and insightful post. I've had the same feelings, and have wanted to express them to friends and even acquaintances on appropriate occasions.  But our society is far from acknowledging these truths, because risk/punishment trumps the desire to be honest and not hypocritical.