i know bullitens like this have been posted a million times but oh well hears my story. I met this girl in one of my college classes, and we really hit it off, we became very close friends very fast...i began to develop very strong feelings for her, and alot of the people who knew her said she was feeling the same way back, but when i asked her out, she said "i need to think about it" whether or not that was a rejection, i dont know, but i took it as a rejection, and just never brought up the subject again. After that, me and her got a lot closer (as friends), we always discussed each others problems with each other, we were very open to each other, and we both always had a ton of fun around each other....but the problem was, after she rejected me, i never moved on...my feelings for her grew each and every day and it just got to the point that i fell head over heels in love with her. But then almost outta nowhere, she starts dating some other guy. She had told me about the guy alot but i never knew she was that close to him. Anyways, after she told me about this, i almost immediatly fell into a depression. I was miserable 24-7, i lost enjoyment in all things, nothing seemed to matter anymore. I decided that I had nothing to lose; so I told her about my feelings, that I was in love with her, that I never stopped caring about her and that she means everything to me...but she still decided to stay with her bf, and told me that she hoped that me and her can remain friends. The crazy thing is, as much as i love her, im actually also feeling alot of resentment and frustration towards her....i know i shouldnt, but i cant help but resent her for never giving me a chance, for breaking my heart, and for choosing that other douchebag over me (they get into fight alot, despite the fact that they have only been dating a couple months). Its been 3 months since they started dating and my emotional roller coaster ride started, and although some of the pain has gone, im still hurting real bad, i seemed to have hit a emotional plateau if u will in which my pain seems to stay the same everyday and not get any better...I do everything i can to get over her, i hang out with my friends all the time, i excercise all the time, i try and peoccupy myself with college and other girls, nothing seems to help. Anyone got any words of advice? Also, she seems to be really keen on staying friends with me, she stills talk to me every night (usually over msn) and we hang out occasionally...im just wondering do any of u guys think its wise for me to stay friends with her (ive tried ignoring her for a few weeks, it just made me feel worse.....and as much as it hurts me to be around her knowing that she's got another man, the idea of just cutting her out from my life completely just seems like too much for me to handle....because despite her downsides, she really is an amazing preson and friend). Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read.

Good heavens, maxum220,

If there's one reassuring thing about your post, it's got to be its normalcy. As you alluded, this chain of events have occurred "a million times" throughout history - and now it's happened to you.

Not only is it sad but extremely common and normal -  and the physiological reactions are normal too. Yup, it's NORMAL to feel both psychic and physical pain when love is unrequited. If there's any relief in all this, it is that it tends to get better with age and experience. But the suffering that a young heart feels when rejected has inspired great literature, immemorable songs and a culture almost way beyond our understanding.

And on top of all that, it seems that women have a particular bent for torturing guys with really wanting to be "just friends." Now isn't that just incomprehensible? Huh? That a girl can confide in and treat a lovestruck guy like someone very close, without malice, and yet wax poetic about another guy with nary a thought for the lovestruck listener? Ahhh...women! We are a strange bunch sometimes!

Hence, my answer to you will probably sound just as familiar as the heartache: TIME will heal all wounds. Yup. Really. Just think of this one: in 10 years, this will be but a sweet memory of college fancy. In the meantime, you can do a couple of things to let the hurt heal a little faster. One is not to suffer in silence, but openly tell her how frustrated you feel about the turn of events. She may be conciliatory and try to help, but that's part of the problem, so you can tell her that too. Who knows, maybe she'll back off herself and not "use" your emotional devotion, however innocently.

As to cutting her out of your life, quite frankly that's not such a bad idea. It doesn't have to be forever - you can reconnect at the next college reunion. Hopefully, you'll have lost intereste by then. But in the meantime, excising her out of your life would actually FORCE you to focus on other people. Yes, it's like a Band-Aid - it hurts when you rip it off, it smarts for a while, and then the wound begins to heal. Because being with her, talking to her, focusing in the slightest on her merely contributes to your continued fascination with her. Should you be honest about it? Yes, you should. It will teach you invaluable communication skills. Tell her that you are still in love with her and that the best thing for YOU (we don't worry about her in this case) is not to talk to her for the next 5 years or so. And then ignore what she has to say about it - what she thinks is none of your business, to put it bluntly.

So my vote is for dropping the connection, despite the immense temporary suffering, going on and finally growing from this experience. Take it from an old broad in her 50s - I've been through this at least 10 times, and it was awful every time. And then, one day.....it all stopped. Just like that. Like magic!

One final note - please make sure that there aren't any OTHER factors in your life that contribute to the feeling of misery and sadness. If there are, I'd suggest meeting with a psychotherapist or school counselor who can diagnose depression or anxiety, with the ensuing psychiatric evaluation.

Hang in there, the first six weeks are the worst,
The Love Goddess

Now you know how it feels to experience that part of life.

I would take all of the LG's advice. Of course I could never talk out my feelings in that situation, but probably it would have helped if I had.

Remember there are a lot more nice girls than nice guys, (Some guys mom told him that, I just read it on another board)  just keep looking.

You'll find a girl who wants to be more than friends, it's worth it to keep looking.

Some girls just never fall for nice guys and it sounds like you have been exceptionally nice around her especially  after feeling rejection..You have to make your own choices but I would immediately start seeing different ladies and slowly wean myself off of her..As close as you are to her, cold turkey might not be best for the spirits.. I have found exceptional GFs that might not have been attracted to me, if I had shown my lustful interest in them at the get go..
Just like some people like to play sports for the challenge, some play the same way with lust and love.
Deciphering how she wants to play is not so easy.

He HAS been seeing other girls AND trying to wean himself off this one. It's obviously not working. This has been going on far too long for him to feel healthy self-esteem about the situation.

Read his posting again please,
The Love Goddess

IMHO, the original poster is being used.  Yes, USED!  The girl gets to string him along indefinately while she tastes the wine in everyone else's glass.  But if she doesn't like the others, he's there as a back up plan.  

I know someone well...  this went on all through college.  When the BF dumped her, she settled for plan B but it has never been an equal relationship.  Hell, he doesn't even get sex regularly!  

Maxum, Hey guy, get mad!  You are being used as a door mat!  I'm not saying to totally break contact but you need to dial this back.  Calling every night is for her BF.  She's made it clear you're not him.  SHE needs to choose.  If she doesn't choose you, wind it down.  Don't take her calls.  You are not available for other activities & relationships because she has you monopolized.  
You need to take control of your life.  Staying friends with someone who does not love you back is a hard road...  keeps you from moving on.  Don't be rude, but limit your contact.  
Start by not initiating any contact.
Limit conversations to one subject, then get off the phone or mail.
Hanging on like a lost puppy does not gain you status or respect in her eyes...  just invites her to use you more.  

You must have seen the story...  if you love something set it free.
If it returns to you, you know it loves you.
If it does not return, then it never loved you.

We have all been there.  We have fallen into the same trap...  or worse.  Just because you love someone does not mean it will work out.  Romance stories not withstanding, we love many people over our life time.  You deserve someone who loves you back.  Free yourself, be open to all opportunities that come your way.
skb

the lose of hopes, expectations and perhaps unfulfilled promises.
I never did this part of separation right, so I wont offer advice but a consolation and cliche, TIME HEALS WOUNDS
Heart to Heart Hugs, Delilah

It's easy to say you will get over it in time, I know that doesn't do any good for you in the short term.  I have been there, and I know the gut-wrenching pain you are suffering.  It's importatnt for you to not allow the resentment you are feeling to become the dominant emotion that you associate with this woman, regardless of whether you maintain a relationship with this woman.  Letting such resentments fester could complicate any future relationships you have.  I think you should be honest with this woman, tell how about the pain you are going through, and tell her that you need some time away from her to find your equilibrium again.  If she cares about you as a friend, she will understand that.  Then take the time to refocus yourself on the other things that are important in your life.  If you need to talk to someone like a professional about your feelings, don't be afraid to do that.  I hope everything gets better.

the truth of the matter is, by staying in her life you are most likely helping the relationship she is in stay together by being a sounding board. In reality, the hardest part about love is when to know to let someone you love leave and hope they come back to you.

If you tell her " I cannot just be your friend. I cannot handle it. I'm sorry, but I need more. If things don't work out with Mr. X, just think of the person that was there for you when he wasn't"

then cut back the conversation, preferably to nothing. she will either never talk to you again, or slowly but surely try harder and harder to reach you. being apart will give you time to heal and at the same time you can solve the problem of the boyfriend she fights with.

she'll either learn how to appreciate what you did for her and end up yours, or you will be free to heal without the constant reminder of being the "second choice" and the pain of essentially propping up a horrible relationship.

"i try and peoccupy myself with college and other girls,"

My reading comprehension is fine, its my writing that is flawed, What I deducted out of the OPs post is he really isn't "seeing" other girls..Trying and Doing is quite different from my perspective in both business and pleasure..IMO he is head over heels about her, and his mind will not allow him to let loose, and enjoy other fruit..My wager says he hasn't had sex with any of the girls he is "trying" to occupy himself with..
Everyone is different but hot sex usually makes me forget my pains..

Aually quads right, i havent been sleeping with any other women...i just cant bring myself to do it....as crazy as it sounds, everytime i even think about it feels like i'd be cheating on her, even though we aren't nor have we ever been together.

There are alot of girls i talk to and some who i think may be interested, i just cant bring myself to make a move on them...partly because i cant think of being with any other girl, and also partly because getting rejected by that girl I'm in love with pretty much destoryed my confidence when dealing with other girls. She's not stringing me along or using me as her back up plan like some of the people on here are claiming, she simply doesn't think about or consider me as anything else other than a really good friend (she first rejected me before she even met this other guy, so thats how i know i was never her plan b)

I thank everyone for there time reading and responding to my post, I've read alot of real good advice on here and some of these posts made me feel alot better, but i think what im just gonna do is talk to this girl, tell her how i feel and that just being her friend isnt enough for me, and hope she understands. I'll then just cut almost all ties with her and hopefully after time my feelings for her will go away and i'll be able to recontact her and see if i can rekindle a friendship between us. Or something like that, haha im not sure yet im still deciding on what to do.

We've ALL been there.  We've ALL chased after some pretty girl that struck all the right chords and made us weak kneed, only to find she didn't feel the same way.  And we've ALL had to face the situation you're in and figure out how move forward.  So I really do mean it when I say I know what you're going through.

However (you knew that was coming), the minute you asked her out and she said she had to think about it, she told you everything you needed to know.  You may have thought you'd wear her down or charm her with your great personality, but to invoke a cliche', she just wasn't that in to you and you should have moved on.

You became her girlfriend, her confidant and the guy she could talk to- about the other guy.  There's nothing more humiliating than subjecting yourself to that as you're forced to sublimate your feelings.  Rather than leaving, you allowed your resentment to grow because you were holding in all your feelings, hoping against hope that if you were there for her she'd see what a great guy you were.  It doesn't work that way, it never works that way, as you now know.

Let's be honest, there are a lot of fucked-up girls out there, and you'll meet many of them in college.  It seems like part of female social and sexual development includes going through a "bad boy stage."  I've seen some of the smartest and most sophisticated women go through a bad boy or loser period.  Our HS valedictorian dated the biggest hood/loser in school just to show (in my opinion) that she was sexy and attractive like all the other girls.  She went on to become a minister!  Go figure.

For many, college is the time for experimentation and if it's going to happen (a bad boy period), it will happen then.  But if that's what she needs and is seeking in a relationship, she's got her own set of issues and you need to learn to heed the warning signs and gracefully exit, because no good can come of it.  It doesn't matter how pretty they are or what your feelings are, you've got to learn to be smart and protect yourself.

It sucks being young and getting your heart pulled apart by women that are so attractive they just make you ache.  Especially since at that age, the world's their oyster and they're way ahead of we men in so many areas.  It's made worse by the high level of hormones we all have in college and the intensity of feelings that result.  But you need to learn from this because it will happen again and again if you don't.  

It's only now that I'm older and can look back at my similar experiences that I realize how I needlessly tortured myself holding on to the feelings of love for someone who didn't love me.  It's natural, but it's something you've got to learn to deal with in a more positive manner because it's telling you something about yourself and YOUR emotional needs.  How we act in these situations really serves to hold a mirror up to our own emotional health and it's important to understand those needs so you can start having better quality relationships.  LG is the expert in that department, but I can assure you, your feelings are telling you more about yourself than they are about her or anything she did.

If you think about it dispassionately, like those of us responding, you see a guy tearing himself apart over a girl that never even went out on a date with him!  What does that tell you?

She's made her choice, whether it was stupid or not, and now you must make yours.  Are you going to be consumed by feelings of love that were never, ever returned?  Or are you going to get healthy and realize that this is just part of living and loving and learn to process your hurt and move on.

I'm now 59 and I've lost count of how many times I've had feelings for a woman that didn't feel the same way.  I'm also not proud to say I've lost many years of my life doing what you're doing right now, so nobody is a better authority on the subject.  But you know what?  Not one of those women was thinking about me or losing sleep over me while I was torturing myself over them.  Not one of them ever came back to me because I suffered for love.  They all just moved on with their life, because this drama was of my own making and only existed in my mind.  

You've got a lot of relationships ahead of you, so take some time to get to know yourself a little better.  And as you do that, have confidence that there are good women out there, and you will meet them- and a few may even grow to love you for you, so get yourself ready for when those wonderful opportunities present themselves.  

But like millions of nice guys before you, you may also have to wait a few years for the girls you date to mature enough to appreciate a guy like you.  In the meantime, let yourself enjoy life again.  Nothing attracts women more than someone who is projecting confidence, happiness, and that he's being true to who he is.

-- Modified on 8/27/2009 12:53:26 AM

Yep ,almost as confusing  as a  girl who never loved him or even dated him  can break his heart.

G2,
You've really hit this one out of the park.  Exactly right.

I too have wasted years of my life, loving someone who would never be mine.  It broke my heart but it was the right thing to do.
The only way to reclaim your life is to break contact...  social contact at least...  you may have to deal with her in a class room setting.
 
You have asked her out, she declined.  Forget being just friends, until you are out of college!  The only way to move on is to break contact.  You can let her know why, but then stick to it.  It's better to hurt bad for a short time than torture yourself for a long time & still end up in the same place.

Best Wishes,
skb  

I will tell you maxum, I can relate very well to your feelings for your favorite lady..I was in  a similar situation years ago but it was a lesbian {not bi} that I fell head over heels over..
The closest I got to intimacy with her was  massages, and I would happily massage her until my fingers froze..
I was at her home or she was at mine for at least 5 nights a week..We would many times go on trips together and sleep in the same bed but never more than a tender light kiss..I took her to Vegas for a week and had the time of my life but with no sex.She was the closest to a soulmate that I had ever experienced..
I was very sexually frustrated for almost two years..I don't think she was playing me, but she would tell me if she wasn't a lesbian she would be all over me, and sometimes she would say her shrink told her she might turn straight one day..I scoffed silently to myself at those comments, but in the back of my twisted mind I was secretly hoping..A couple times ex GFs showed up at my home and tried to seduce me, and I tried to oblige, but I could find no hard on because my mind was totally on the lesbian I loved...
The only thing that stopped me is she met a new GF{all her previous ones had no problem with me and her friendship} and her new GF forbid her to talk to me on the phone or see me, and she obeyed..I reckon her GF was jealous of all the photo albums of us having fun. I was so utterly  devastated I sold my home and moved to another city..
Eight years later I still think of her often and  I have moved on, but I am sure  I will never  forget her and all the good times we had..
The worst part, I heard through the grapevine her controlling GF dumped her a few years later, and married a man..I thought of contacting her when I heard,  and asking her if she wanted to try a grudge Fuck but I stayed in my protective shell.
I feel your pain,  even though I moved on, it still makes me sad thinking about her and wondering how she is doing..
My hidden tears can not be contained..
Good Luck to you Maxum

Aboslutely perfect reply

Move over Love Goddess, this guy's good

Seriously G2, you spoke my mind and my heart. I've been there and done that, and I'm still doing it a little bit, though I'm much better now, thank you

I just found an amazing experience by Dr. Corrinna Clarke, we did a tantra ritual, in the process she apologized for anyone in this case, women who had ever harmed me intentionally or unintentionally, I felt such release and freedom, orgasmic liss that I have never experienced before and it has carried me.
It is so easy to get carried away by the experience of falling from in lust to in love.
We can all be in love with the idea of the person that we 'think' we love.
I have been that women you describe above, so into you, so in love with you and then suddenly so out of love with you and into another.
I can't tell you why or where it turned for me.
So I offer an apology from her and any woman who has hurt you in any way.
Peace and Blessings,
Delilah

not really im just sayin......