Ok, I know that's redundant.
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But my question is about how you react/handle lies.
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For this discussion, I'll separate this into two categories:
1. Material lies that negatively impact you. (i.e.: Cost you money, time, or lost opportunities)
2. Other lies that do not negatively impact you.
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Do you call her out when you catch the lie? Are you nice about it, or do you slap her in the face with it?
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Do you let it slide if it's not going to negatively impact you? Just allow her to live in her reality if that's what she wants? Or do you steer her back by helping her see how that lie can bite her later? Or do you trap her and pull a "gothca" on her to teach her a lesson or put her in her place?
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If it's going to impact you negatively, do you still go with it but take steps to minimize/mitigate the impact? Or do you call her out and explain or impose consequences? Or do you just bail on her? Or do you make this into a "teachable moment" and help her (hopefully) mature a bit in the process?
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For me, I tend to let her live whatever reality she wants, unless she specifically asks me to help. That doesn't mean there are no consequences. I will and have dumped SB's (or just called less frequently, or not selected them for travel or a concert, etc.) who abuse my generosity and time, especially those who deliberately deceived me. But, even though 75% (vs the 25% who just want to bang and go) of my SB's put something in their profiles or mention during a M&G that they want mentoring, career/business advice, and/or help developing life skills, they rarely mean it. When I address it, they will demur, or defer, or just say "naw, I'm good thanks."
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So again, if she wants to head down a poor choice path, I tend to let her, and perhaps there will be an opportunity to coach her to a better path after she trips and falls. Perhaps.
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So what say all of you?
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Do lies matter?
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Life is good.
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The Cat
A few had profiles that talked about mentorship or they are really adventurous but it seems many I’ve been with just wanted to sound like they were “this” versus “that”. I let these things go – unless it was a specific thing that caught my eye. If they said they love trying new foods but are really picky eaters – I end those. I want & need to eat a wide variety of foods!
I’m sure at least a few lie about why they need the money. I don’t care about the why – unless I find out they’re doing hard drugs, then I’ll end the arrangement.
I’ve been open in that I don’t care if they have another SD, all I ask is when we agree to meet, they commit to meeting me. Some may have forgotten this and said they needed to cancel a meet to take care of personal stuff. I don’t try to catch them but more than half the time they say something that shows they were not taking care of personal stuff. In these cases I usually end our meet asking if they want to stop, pause or carry on as agreed. No accusations and I avoid using negative words. Approach it as a “how are we doing?” conversation. I’ll give them one more chance but if they cancel again or no-show I move on – unless they are hot, fantastic bcd and our and reasonable on the gift. The hot ones I’ll give a few more chances.
I had a SB who said she was divorced but who later admitted she was still married and her husband was getting suspicious of why she was gone so many nights – so she had at least one other SD. We paused and never re-started. For all I know the admission of still being married may have been the lie.
Fibbing, fabrication, inventing stories are all part and parcel of the sugar world. Not universal of course, but certainly a reality. There's a whole gamut, from little white lies to incredulous. The most common prevarication is the sob story, and a simple no ends that. Where I draw the line is with lost time/lost opportunity. That matters to me, because I'm always looking for the one/s that I wish to repeat with. Reliability has equal footing with attraction/chemistry for me in the sugar world, same as with pros. Second chances can and do happen, especially with a seemingly heart felt unsolicited excuse. Not reliable=move on.
I practice honesty always and expect it in return. Just to be clear, full honesty does not require full disclosure. People are entitled to their secrets and their privacy. It's always ok (and honest) to answer a question by saying, sorry I don't feel I can answer that.
That said, I prefer SBs who operate the same way and always avoid deceit, but I do live in the real world. If I know for a fact that a SB cancelled a session with me because she got a better offer but gave me a deceitful reason for cancelling I'd drop her. Problem is, those times when I've had last minute cancellations it's never been clear if she was telling the truth or not. I've lost time and opportunity, but usually continue to date the offender. The times I've lost money as well have been total scams/ripoffs. I hope I've learned enough to avoid those.
Otherwise I guess I am happy to let the SBs live in their own private worlds. I was dating a stunning latina a couple years ago who swore repeatedly that I was her only SD. The thing is, my good freind was also dating her and hearing the same thing from her! I never called her on it, why ruin a good thing? but I did tell her several times that I was dating other SBs and I'd be perfectly happy if she had other SDs. But she never varied from her story that I was her one and only. If that's how she needed to portray herself, I was ok with letting her do so. But our arrangement fizzled out for various reason after a few dates.
The arrangements that have lasted for months or years have been with lovely young SBs who value honesty as much as I do. No need to choose what to say or not to say, no need to worry about saying the wrong thing. I have one of those going on right now that continues to exceed my expectations, in large part because we can and do talk about everything.
When they deny meeting with other SD's, it could likely be due to the psychological "anti-slut defense." Chicks seek approval even from their SD's. Therefore they will put on the best face, even if false, of what they are doing.
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This observation comes from the pick-up community. Chicks will give last minute resistance because they don't want to be thought of as sluts. The PUA would then go into reframing, deflection, etc -- psychological reassurance to get past the last hurdles.
The one thing that I don't like in people is the inability to keep one's word. If we make plans, let's do it. Be on time and be ready. If you're going to be late or things change, then let me know. That's how I live my life. I know some people aren't as anal about time as me, but why give me a time if you're not going to honor our arrangement. What else are you going to renege on me?
As for lying? I don't mind little, white-lies. But something like having a significant other or being married without a spouse's permission isn't cool. I've had a bad experience with that and don't care to have a jealous or crazy boyfriend-husband trying to blackmail me, (by the way that won't work) following me, harassing me, or pulling a weapon on me.
If I catch someone in a lie, I'll confront them on it. I'll likely be inquisitive but not confrontational. If it's something small, no biggie, but if I see a pattern of deceit I'll probably just end it. Why waste time on someone who can't be straight.
Just my .02.
