First off let me say in advance that inevitably somebody is going to be offended by this post. I apologize in advance for that, it is not my intention to offend anyone or objectify or disrespect any lady in this community.

My problem: For the past five years I have been with a woman who is a self proclaimed slut. Yes, I say self-proclaimed because she will readily admit to being one and uses that term quite frequently to describe herself and wears it as a badge of honor.

I had no problem with that, it was part of the attraction from the beginning. As you might guess, being that “sluts” are non-monogamous, we have had an open relationship nearly from day one and have been actively involved in the swinging lifestyle for some time. The majority of our swinging activity involved me watching her with a man or multiple men as a voyeur, something that I learned to enjoy very much.

This girl loves rough sex, but when I say rough, we are talking the kind of rough that would cause most women to call the police afterward, if you catch my meaning. We’re talking hair pulling, slapping, choking, spitting, to go along with a lot of derogatory name calling, bitch – whore – slut etc. etc. You get the picture.

This struck me as odd at first because in my previous experiences with women there was a great deal more sensuality involved with sex. None the less her brand of what I call rape-style sex grew on me, and now I can’t seem to get aroused by anything less! That problem is compounded by the fact that me and this girl are no longer together. So now, well, lets just say the world is not full of women who enjoy this sort of thing. And every woman I meet, when it comes down to the sex, I can not find a way to be aroused anymore, because it is just too tame!

In hope of satisfying my sexual needs I sought the services of escorts, but as I quickly found out, and as most of you already know, even most escorts will not indulge someone in this kind of rough and degrading play. I have found a few willing to endure some parts of it, but none who really seem to enjoy it.

Finding someone else with the same sexual proclivities is a longshot. So what I think I really need is to learn to enjoy a more normal form of intimacy again as I once did before I met the “slut”. And I use the word normal loosely because it’s a relative term, but what I mean is a more mainstream sexual encounter. But how to I get back to that place where I can enjoy the softer side of sex again?

On another forum where I posed this question, someone suggested I hire a dom to do a full role reversal, in other words do the things to me that I used to do to my GF and see how it feels, and this supposedly would make me do a 180. While Im sure there may be some sort of twisted reverse phycology angle to that, my gut feeling is that all I would get out of it is a lot of humiliation and a sore asshole, but if I really thought it would work Id do it, that’s how desperate the situation has become.

Dear sexuallyruined,

Wow. At first I thought this posting was sort of a joke...but not for the reasons you might think. Could it be that you've never heard of BDSM? Because what you are describing is nothing worse than what goes on in the BDSM community. Maybe your playing is a little beginner-like - your posting lacks some of the BDSM buzzwords such as "play" and "safeword" etc. But here you are, stating that you've been "ruined?"

I'm sorry, but I just can't see it that way. I guess I've been hanging around far too many BDSM folks in my day, only to find out that some people just like their sex in that vein. Vanilla sex does nothing for them. Now, I'm personally not a member of the BDSM community, nor do I specifically "recruit" for any particular sexual expression [OK, I'll admit it, I'm pro-provider, but that's almost a given, being on this board]. But I have to say that I've met so many fine, upstanding dysfunction-free individuals who happen to enjoy the kind of sex you are describing, that I have a hard time pathologizing your behavior.

It seems to me that you are enjoying what you do sexually, but that you are concerned that it's not "normal?" Well, rest assured, there are THOUSANDS with the same "proclivities" as you describe, in either direction. It's called "top" and "bottom" and in the BDSM community, people tend to gravitate toward either side.

The suggestion that you "hire a dom to do a full role reversal" might be interesting, but again, not for the reasons you describe. It might be good for you to explore that side of yourself, although I have to say that most male "tops" that I've met do NOT bottom, it's as simple as that. But to "see how it feels?" Nah, I don't buy that for a second. Waste of money. Hire a submissive instead and let her teach you a little more about topping.

What you need to do my friend, is to STOP FEELING GUILTY AND START ENJOYING YOURSELF. Really. And go find a BDSM community in your neighborhood. And read a beginner's handbook to BDSM by Jay Wiseman. It's called "SM 101: A realistic introduction." Jay is a well-known top, attorney, expert witness and an all-around swell guy who will set you straight, pun intended.

Also, go on the Net to find the Janus Society in your area. I've attached a link. Go there and check the "groups" page. And then enjoy discovering the "harder" side of yourself, LOL.

Now, I may be completely in error with all this advice, but I don't think so. Above all, don't feel guilty for doing something that many, many people love and practice with great skill. You just need to know some of the finer points of it all.

Read Jay's book, find your inner top and let us know how it all goes,
the Love Goddess

I have no problems with the kind of intimacy you have gotten used to. I am VERY much into BDSM and adore a good rough session.....

~Rae

First, I think LG's advice is right on.  You've discovered your inner dom.  Now explore it.

It's not that unusual for people into BDSM to be unmoved by vanilla sex.  They may find that BDSM is more intimate, involves deeper trust, and provides greater communication than vanilla sex.

In addition to LG's suggestions, you may want to visit a domme simply to experience what it's like to be submissive and to enrich your imagination for what you might do as a dom.  Some doms and dommes feel they can't do the job right unless they've had the experience of being submissive.

Finally - you may want to try BDSM porn as a way to learn.  www.kink.com has a number of video sites for various fetishes and tastes.  The videos are extremely well produced; the outfit, from what I can tell, is extremely fair and compassionate with its workers; and the library of videos and photos, and options for getting them, is enormous.  

Also, keep in mind that there is a huge variety of flavors in BDSM.  What works for someone else may not work for you...cultivate your fantasies, try them with willing, knowlegeable partners, and get to know yourself!

BDSM has not ruined me '

First - I take no offense at your post -

Well. I am a Dom. I have been a Dom and an S&M top for many years. I am in a relationship with two ladies who are both submissive to me and one to the other. Our sex is much like you describe but perhaps a bit more colorful.

D/S couples are usually otherwise very "normal". Good parents. Church goers. Politically and socially active. Gainfully employed. In many respects, models in their communities. It is not a defect to prefer a D/S sexual expression.

On the other hand, I don't usually do "Dom" with providers. I don't really want to. I am able to enjoy a GFE experience, and even let the lady "lead" a bit (but not to the extent of (shudder) being submissive...). So, being a Dom has not prevented me from enjoying "normal" sex. I even seek this out at times.

I am "otherwise" successful, normal, well adjusted.  I served in the US military for 30+ years and continue to work in national security. I do not drink to excess, I don't drug, I don't behave in a manner inappropriate to a gentleman very often. I don't gamble or have any addictive vices. Being a Dom will not hurt you or make you less of a man, less of a gentleman.  

At the end of the day, I have not found my experience as a Dom to prevent me from enjoying a full spectrum of sexual activity.

So -

Perhaps you need to explore your potential dominance more fully. Don't be afraid of it. If you have a willing partner, a partner who NEEDS for you to be her Dom - this is a good thing. Why allow a culturally inculcated sexual pattern or image prevent you from exploring and enjoying what apparently comes natural to you? Once you have satisfied your curiosity and fully expressed your need, you may find that you also may enjoy "regular" sex occasionally - though you may no longer prefer it.

Best of luck -

Gregory






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-- Modified on 11/6/2008 1:53:05 PM

I’ve never thought of me and my former GF’s sex as BDSM, mostly because when I think of BDSM I picture someone in head to toe leather or latex inflicting various forms of torture upon someone who’s bound and gagged. I suppose I’ve just been stereotyping BDSM in the same way the vanilla world stereotypes the swinging community I’ve been involved in for so long. Though now that you’ve mentioned it, I see that what her and I were doing probably does fall under the wide umbrella of BDSM.

We parted ways about 7 months ago, and since then I have dated quite a bit. And as I mentioned, in any instance where it led to sex, I was left wanting, and in some cases completely unable to complete the task. The mere suggestion of doing some of the things I enjoy was enough to offend some, and I learned quickly that doing it spontaneously with no prior discussion led to even worse reactions. So I suppose it’s my frustration in not being able to find someone who’s on the same sexual page as me that had me thinking that I am the one who needs to change.

But it seems that your advice is just to accept that this is the road I’ve traveled down and there is no going back so just press on until I’ve found my match? Ideally, that would have been my choice from the beginning. But it’s easier said than done, as I said, the world isn’t full of women who, sexually, are in any way similar to the one I had. You’re probably right though, in spite of my frustration, I should just keep up the search. The idea of the role reversal was not very appealing to me, the fact that I considered it only exemplifies the level of despair over my recent lack of a fulfilling sex life.

I have never worried about whether or not what we did was “normal”, we were swingers for nearly five years, and that is certainly not normal by mainstream standards. And we weren’t closet swingers either, almost everyone we knew was aware of it and I certainly never gave a damn about their opinions of it. So my dilemma is not worrying about social stigma or acceptance by my peers, only that I’m really beginning to feel like I’m in such a small minority out on the sexual edge that my chances of finding a woman who can appreciate and enjoy that side of me seem miniscule. I suppose it’s sort of like subscribing to the age old theory of - if ya can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em…the vanilla world, that is.  

I will look into that book and check out the website, thanks for the link. Hopefully it will help.


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Love, if you ever come to the frozen north (MN) you can coun't it.

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if you're in MN, I can connect you with a provider who will like what you have to offer.  PM me or email [email protected]