I am an in shape 42 yr. old and see providers 3 to 4 times a year and have for several years. I'm also maried and have a rather mundane "catholic" sex life: lights out , similar positions, she won't swallow, won't do doggy, etc.. I have tried and tried gently, roughly, tenderly, pleaded,everything over the years. I also find I shoot very quickly with her in the dark and now I wonder if some of her lack of interest is my lack of time  performance.

When I'm with a provider I can go a long time and seem to be a much more satisfying lover from an endurance standpoint. Is there something I can do with the wife to help me last longer or am I dreaming that more time in the saddle is going to change her lack of interest?

Cuddling, caressing and a massage might help. It might not help you to delay ejaculation but it would reverse her lack of interest.

Reifferent with the wife

I agree with you, rocdoc,
You probably do shoot in the dark a lot quicker! Studies have shown that men and women process visuo-sexual cues differently. When the lights are on - literally speaking - a man will have a stronger sexual response, due to the visual stimuli he is receiving from looking at "bit parts" of the body, such as breasts, vagina, etc.
But in the dark? Hmm...some guys just shoot their wad fast, for lack of interest.

A woman is a little different. For one, women don't all like it when the lights are on. Some, thanks to our relentless media that just gets worse and worse, women have shame about their less than 'perfect' bodies. Particularly when women hit middle age, or after a few kids, some women feel downright bad about themselves, which of course contributes to shutdown sexually. Also, most women respond more to sensual touch, even in non-erogenous zones, rather than to sharp, visual cues. Just looking at a penis - particularly a penis that she's seen 100 times over - generally doesn't excite a woman. Not the same way a man is primed to look at a vagina and get hard. Women need tactile and sometimes even verbal stimulation - even completely non-sexual at times, in order to get sexual. Paradoxical, but true.

We have debated women's waning sexual interest in other threads; I say it's biological, combined with various stressors. A woman who's got a couple of kids, a full-time job and chores to do at home isn't that primed for sex, rest assured. And that includes a majority of American women - not the cartoonish housewives of Wisteria Lane, mercifully.

Of course when you're with a provider, not only are you 'tasting fresh meat,' to put it animalistically, but you're also with someone who
a)is trying to please you 100%
b) a professional who knows how to do it between the sheets
She may be very skilled at drawing things out a bit, teasing you, scaling those erotic arpeggios, skweezing your lemon 'til the juice runs down your shaky leg [LedZepped again!] And that, indeed, makes you into a more ardent, and above all, ENTHUSIASTIC lovemaker.

Now what to do with the wife? BBrain above has a good point - physical, non-erotic but sensual contact such as cuddling and massage. But then again, as you've pointed out, you've tried gently, which I assume may have included hugs and little kisses? Or?

But in reading your posting, it seems to me that your wife isn't refusing you as much as she is content with doing things the same old way. I really believe you need to discuss this with your wife in a very open and frank manner. You're 42, unless she's much older than you, she's at least grown up in a fairly modern sexual climate. So ask her the same question you're asking here: 'How can [I] last longer in bed, with your help, since I love making love to you, and it's too quick for me?' Let her feel that she is very, very appreciated and that she's the person you would most of all wish to hit the sexual stratosphere with. Also, ask her what SHE wants. What would make HER have a more interesting sex life.

These are simple questions, but you'd be surprised to find how many couples do not discuss sex openly and without emotional hangups. Talking about sex should be like having a discussion about who gets to take out the garbage -and hopefully, that's on a traumatic issue . But many people hem and haw, even when talking to someone with whom they've been partnered with for years. I say, get it out there. Talk freely about penises and vaginas, where they go, how they get there and what you can do to make the journey more interesting. It's almost like having a 'sexual conference.' And finally, don't forget to talk frankly about your feelings as well. How frustrated you feel, and how you think it's impacting your sex life. Try not to blame, but try to engage in both people building something constructive - like a better frame for your sex life.

I realize this is all very difficult. Many women do check out, sexually, after childbirth, or even just a few years into a relationship. Let's hope that she gives you some frank answers. As to your dreaming about more time in the saddle, let her know that it's one of your top priorities. Heck, you're only 42. Unless you get divorced, you've got at least another 20-30 years together. That's a loooong time to be writing a sexual script. Let her know that she can be the director for all eternity - if the movie could just be a little more action-packed and graphic.

Be frank, see what happens,
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 8/30/2006 6:56:44 AM

Today.   I understand what is being suggested, and I agree to some extent.   My wife and I do discuss sex openly, although not often, and the problems in our sexual relationship reflects the other problems in our marriage.   In short, I am not able to give her the non-sexual stimulation LG suggests.

That said, I have one caveat about LG's suggestion of open communication.  Obviously, my wife does not have the skills of the providers I see, she cannot compete with them in the beauty/body department, but she could at least stimuate me physically the way the providers do.  Here she says that she does do what I request in these frank discussions.  I am afraid she is clueless about her faults in this area because she thinks she does what she does not do.   Different perceptions are often the problem, and open communication may not solve it.  But there is certainly no harm in trying.

So true Kornlover.  It is a bit unfair to wives, because even with the best intentions and whatever skills have been acquired over the course of a lifetime to date, there's no way they can compete.  It seems to me the best one can do is work hard at compartmentalizing -- give marvelous providers full credit for the warmth and thrills they provide, and remember that they will never be able to match the deeper experiences of a lifetimes, assuming that many of them have been pleasurable.

I agree with all that's said here.  

However, I'm still very determined to keep trying with my wife, for better in-house sexual satisfaction (hers and mine).  

We husbands can try telling our wives that we've "read" about how things can be better, that we've talked with men friends about it, etc.  Obviously, we can't say, "You aren't in the same league with my AFT".  

But we can indicate (in a non-blaming way) our dissatisfaction and provide suggestions for more relaxation and physical-contact improvement at home.  "Honey, I'd like you to do such and such with me sometime."  

If we have to stop asking, then the marriage must as well be over, no matter how great the memories.  

As Winston Churchill said, "Never ever surrender".  Maybe this applies not just to real warfare but to well-meant intimate family stuggles.

Reifferent with the wife

Very interesting stats.

I would think just the opposite, seeing a hot young escort dressed in sexy lingerie would make a guy shoot quicker than with a wife or S.O.

I know that limiting the senses other senses become heightened so in the dark, the other senses become more sensitive so I can see how a guy would cum quicker.

Thanks for sharing

RH

...that pesky latex cover that clients are relegated to using during our extracurricular adventures? For better or worse, I have given up trying to make my domestic sessions longer and more exciting. The wife is not comfortable talking openly about sex and prefers that the dirty deed be done quickly, neat and predictable. In my case, home sex - which occurs only 3 to five times a year anyway - is more for her enjoyment than mine. The result is that my hobbying has gone from four to six times a year to more than double that in two and a half years. Fictionally speaking, of course.

It is the simple truth.  When my wife is in the proverbial mood, the sex is long, great and better than any provider has ever been even though her rose has faded a bit, I still see her as the hot 25 year old she was and not the almost 50 year old she is now.  The problem is we bicker, squable, and heck, I am no longer 25 either.  A provider is new, often younger than the wife and either genuinely or willing to act interested.  Of course it is different.  

If anyone ever figures out a way to get the wife back into it more than 5-10 times a year, let me know.  At almost 50, I still can do it every other night!

Can you believe just 1 or 2?

So, xenopus, believe it or not, it could be worse!

And I'd be game for every night.

Glad I can still laugh about it.

1 or 2?  Hell yes I believe it.  It's been that way for over 20 years!  And yes, I can still laugh about it as well.  I simply had to reconcile myself to the fact that in an otherwise wonderful marriage, I had to get those needs met elsewhere.  Thank God for all of the amazing women on this and other forums!

WOW, I ALWAYS KIND OF THOUGHT I WAS THE ODD MAN OUT. I'M 43 HITCHED FOR 12 YRS AND IN THE SAME BOAT. I USED TO GET BJ,DOGGIE,ALL OVER THE HOUSE AND EVEN SOME GOOD HAND JOBS BUT AFTER OUR FIRST CHILD LITTLE BY LITTLE THINGS (SEX) JUST WAS'NT THERE ANY MORE. I FOUND MYSELF BUYING MORE MOVIES AND THINGS TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I WOULD ASK HER WHATS WROUNG,WHAT SHE WANTED ME TO DO TO HER BUT HER INTEREST WAS GONE. THAT WAS 8 YRS AGO,NOW ITS WHAM-BAM THANK YOU. SO I FEEL FOR THE GUYS OUT THERE LIKE MYSELF CUZ I TRIED BUT AFTER AWHILE YOU GET TIRED. SO FOR THE 2ND TIME IN ABOUT A YR I'M VISITING A PROVIDER FOR AS LONG AS I CAN. SO GOOD LUCK TO ALL.

Yes, it is more common than one would think.  It has been said that many women no longer feel sexually attractive after having children and the desire just disappears.  In my case we didn't have children but there was a noticeable difference in her interest as soon as we got married.  Within a few years were were down to 1-2 times per year.  Turns out there were emotional issues from childhood that she just wasn't willing to deal with.  That seems to be a common thread among women who have lost sexual desire.  It seems to be preferable to go without the sex rather than deal with the emotions that are behind the loss of desire.  And, as has also been said many times, the partner that wants less sex tends to control that aspect of the relationship.  Good luck to you too.