TER....a curse and an opportunity...

About a year ago, I stumbled onto TER and realized the opportunities that are available to me.  It was like a "geek" unleashed after hours in an electronic store- gawking at the beauty in front of them.

At first I lurked- reading reviews of providers in my area, meticulously creating a wish list of people I would love to meet. Next, came the "nagging" in the middle of my work day on reading the discussion boards and seeing some playful exchange between consenting adults. Then came the obsession of wanting to read as many of the reviews as I can - to the point that I was reading them as casual as reading the newspaper with my coffee in the mornings.  Finally, took the plunge and called a provider and crossed the line.  

I have met with two providers (one FBSM- strictly for curiosity).  I flirted with a few via email connections...

Now the guilt...my heart belongs to my wife of 14 years (but have been together for over 21 years).  I have been struggling with this ever since my two visits. I have a wonderful relationship.  Our sex life is good with adventure and very intimate exchange of emotions and respect.  When I saw my wife in high school- I just knew she was the one for me.  I cannot imagine my life without her.

With this healthy relationship- why did I venture out? For me, I rationalized my actions with the following:  I wanted no regrets, as I get on in years (in my late 30's now), I did not want to regret not experiencing the touch of another woman (until my provider experience, my wife was the only one) and I wanted to fulfill some fantasies.  I am now conflicted- I am on the fence, do I continue to "hobby" or do I stop out of respect and love for the wife.

LG- is it so bad to want to hobby, but still love the relationship you are in?  Not really expecting a "final answer"- writing to you seems to have therapeutic value (getting it out of my system, so to speak)....

Sorry for the long post...

Hmmm, gmancala326,

Is it so bad to be a male, cursed with testosterone and androgens so ill-matched by females? Is it so bad to be a male, saddled with all these hormones, and yet evolving mentally in a society where the expression of sexuality is regulated, controlled and debated more than the death penalty and the possession of firearms?

You know, I could go on and on and on. I'm not sure why you have had sex with only one woman and then married her (wow, what voodoo was that?!), but rest assured, YOU ARE NORMAL. There is nothing wrong with you. Any guilt trip you may put on yourself has nothing to do with your physical being, rest assured. As a male, your genotype dictates the phenotypic expression of sexual interest toward a variety of females, for optimal seed-spreading and the best offspring possible. So, it's not BAD to want to sleep with other women. As to "hobby," well, what if you could sleep with a variety of females for free? Wouldn't you?

Just think of all the guys who can get whoever, whatever, whenever. In my day, it was Warren Beatty. Today, it's George Clooney. Yup, they went/go at it with no shame. So what makes you different from them, really? A couple of mil's in the bank and a bankable face?

You must understand that the healthy thing for males is to want sex, to want it often, and to want it with as many people as possible. If you don't believe me, look into a world where both participants are equally horny, i.e. homosexual males. There's a lotta love goin' on there, and for good reason. The parties' sex drive is equally matched, they're generally not on some kind of a guilt trip about it, they don't guard their genitals like they are at Fort Knox, and they FEEL GOOD ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH MULTIPLE PARTNERS. And you should too. So there.

Now, does that mean that you should "cheat" on your wife? I can't tell you what you should do. Your conscience is between yourself and yourself. But what I can tell you, is that it's a helluvalot more "healthy" to want to screw many women than just one. I guess that's why swinging is on the upswing and polyamory is the new fad among 20-somethings. These guys screw around with their wimmin's blessings and apparently it's working just fine. The women quickly learn that sex is fun, not the end of the world and hey, maybe the guys can relax and know that their wives get it on with others too, while the Earth still stands. And maybe that's what it takes for some people to realize that we don't OWN each other sexually (or any other ways for that matter), despite wearing wedding rings or promising something in front of officiants.

For everyone, please read Laura Kipnis' book "Against Love." And then make informed choices.

Welcome to the club, old bean,
the Love Goddess

Thanks LG....on my way out to buy the book!

Wow. That was the most interesting sermon that I've listened to in awhile!

Amen.

thanks for the post!
Keri