Love Goddess I'm in real trouble. I've posted my dilemma on the GD boards and gotten a withering blast of critism , which I believe I deserve. But I've never been more confused as well. Do the ends justify the means, if she gets back what she most wanted? I was willing to sacrifice my relationship for her to get that. But she didn't really need me- there are many to take my place. But the thing she got from my action is priceless. I'm very much aware that any further move towards this person would be stalking, and so I need a full stop here. But I really and truly thought I was trying to help her. Everyone seems to think I need counseling on this. Am I evil, fucked up, or a friend? What do you advise?

Dear smoothdepsub,

Welcome to your wonderful board and our wonderful members who are sensitive and reflecting people!Don't worry, I can empathize with your conundrum and your sense of confusion. As a therapist, I can tell you it feels GREAT when you truly help someone. And maybe, in that act of "helping," you too felt a rush of happiness. But...

Just like a therapist has to know when to back off with a client, a hobbyist needs to know when to back off with a provider, mainly because your relationship is one that contains some very strict boundaries and some very circumscribed roles. Yes, it is truly difficult to watch people suffer. I hear it all the time in my job; the history, the agony, the plea for me to "fix things." And ultimately, the goal of the therapy is for the client to realize that I can't make it right for him/her, and that s/he is the only one who is in charge of his/her destiny.

Hence, I believe that the error was made when you went from being a good listener to taking charge of someone else's life, basically unsolicited and definitely unwarranted. This was not an issue of life and death, or even a basic emergency. It was a story (yes, I went to the GD boards to find out the details) of intricate personal and long-standing family of origin issues. In addition, when you rush to do something for other people, you sometimes rob them of their own ability to fix things for themselves and thereby feel their own empowerment.

I'll give you a simple analogy: when I was a psychology intern a zillion years ago, I did my "hours" at a county facility for poor and homeless people. One day, a woman walked in and told me her sad, sad story. She also said she didn't have any money and had to walk all the way back to where she came from, which was hours away. Without thinking, I handed her a dollar bill from my purse for the bus. When my clinical supervisor saw this, she was quick to point out that a) I shouldn't have given her any money, since she came to me for treatment and not for cash, and b) it would rob her of the empowerment I had just given her in session.

I had a very hard time digesting this...and perhaps I still do, although I've become hardened by my first years of seeing low-fee clients, LOL. It is human to have compassion and sympathy; empathy is another ball of wax altogether. You imagined that the provider would feel the object she got was priceless, simply because YOU felt so. But who knows what the provider is truly, deeply feeling? Maybe she wasn't ready for such a "priceless" thing. Maybe this was not her time in life for such an issue. WE DON'T KNOW. And that's why we should stay out of such delicate issues when other individuals are concerned.

It really doesn't matter if she's a provider or a personal friend. It is never a good idea to muck around in other people's lives unsolicited, regardless of our own personal convictions. The best you can do is learn from this experience and not repeat it, that's all.

This too shall pass,
the Love Goddess

If you truly feel that you can't go on dealing with this situation, please feel free to visit me in prison for my own brand of 'counseling'

Love goddess-[13][10]I would describe my mood now as being distraught. I'm very very hurt by what I've been reading, mostly because I can't believe how blind I've been. I would very much appreciate it if we could have a more private interchange, because I also realize that these boards are a far too public forum for me to air these issues, not so much for me but because they are so personal to the other party. I really need advice from someone who understands this world, and I am hoping you can guide me, [13][10]thank you,[13][10]SDS

LG, Thank you for this sensitive and thought-provoking response.

I find it personally enlightening and very meaningful.

BG

Where you will be released from prison in June.

I thought you had been released in Jan 2001 and took up residence in the White House.

Dear smoothdeepsub,
I can definitely understand your frustration. Since this board is a public service, free of charge, open to any registrant of TER, it may feel odd to you to open up in a more intimate way.

But this is also why I am not able to provide individual psychotherapeutic care through TER. I urge you to process all of this, and perhaps more, with a caring and competent psychotherapist in your area. I am in the So Cal area. If you need referrals for your particular city, please check the American Association for Family Therapists website. There, you will find a referral search engine to help you. Or, better yet, check with some of your friends, acquaintances or even your EAP at work. See what your insurance plan covers through your job. There is no shame in getting therapy, in fact, it is an excellent way to gain insight into one's own character and any issues troubling you for now or in the past.

Hope it works out for you,
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 1/28/2007 6:17:53 PM