LG;
 While looking for a hook up on one of the many adult single sites, I came a cross a girl who caught my eye. We hit it off online, but then she said that she's an escort.  i have no problem with her occupational choice, as the money's good and she needs it to put herself through nursing school.  As i saw her as a woman first and escort second, she wants to meet me and become involved on a, um, non-professional basis.
  I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world to be starting a relationship with a woman whose brains and heart match her beauty and who's interested in me without having to be paid to be interested.  Are there any "dangers" in dating an escort?  I know I'm not as experienced "in the sack" as she, but she's willing to teach.  I'm also a little concerned about STD's, but I think much of that can be avoide dthrough "safe" sex can't it?  
  Like i said, I see her esorting as what she DOES, not who she IS.  I'm mostly worried about psychological / emotional aspects > right up your alley.  Should I be wary of saying / doing / feeling (too late) anything?  I've seen other escorts, but never as a civvie.  
                                  - Angus 1540

Well, Angus1540,

I do thank you for providing a new twist to an old theme here on the Erotic Highway! Mostly, we have hobbyists who have fallen for an escort and can't get up. You on the other hand, have met an escort through "civilian means" and are now wondering if it's going to work.

My advice to you is to treat this as normally as possible. The more you ponder and wrestle, the more difficult it will be for you. Let me ask you this - if she worked in a bank as a teller, or a secretary in a regular corporation, would you EVER even think along the lines of "this is what she DOES, not who she IS?" I doubt the issue would come up. But it does when escorts are concerned, and it really beats me as to why. But of course I know the answer, and so do you. We all do.

JUST BE NORMAL, that's all I can tell you. That's what she's expecting and that's what you ought to be if you want it to work. But do understand that your girlfriend does fuck other people for a living. That's it. If you can handle that first step, the rest will depend on the same factors as in any relationship - compatibility, compromise, caring, intimacy-building - and of course the superficial stuff, as in what to do and how to do it together in your spare time.

If you are already concerned with STD's, then there may an issue that's going to be difficult to address. Sooner or later, people who are madly in love with each other may "slip" and do things bareback. What if she's on the pill anyway? Maybe she's expecting you to have unprotected sex after you both get tested? What will you say to her then?

Also, the whole issue about "the sack, and willing to teach" doesn't sound very romantic to me. Is this a sex thing or is this a relationship where you really want to know her deeply as a person? The flip side of all this is that she can fuck whenever - she does it for a living. Maybe she's looking for way more than that - a RELATIONSHIP where fucking and sucking is not the end-all be-all to her needs.

In the back of my head, I can't resist flipping the roles around - if I were an escort, the last person I'd want to hook up with would be a hobbyist, especially an active one. I would worry constantly that he would be unfaithful or insincere. So there's that to deal with as well. Lots of trust issues, if this goes any further.

Give us an update in a few months - I bet we're all curious to see where it went,
The Love Goddess

I hate to say this but you are quite possibly about to be played big time.  Adult singles sites have simply become one more place that a lot of less scrupulous escorts choose to look for clients.  I wish you nothing but the best of luck but proceed with caution.
 Sorry to be an old stick in the mud but escorts usually don't have any trouble meeting men.  The last place they are going to turn up is on a dating site.  Be careful.

There have been more than a couple of horror stories told on these boards by guys who thought that they were meeting civie gals for a relationship when, in fact, they were getting set up, big time, by rip-off artists.

On the other hand, this case is a bit different as she volunteered her profession.  It could be a way to be disarming, or it could be sincere.  

I have gotten to know many gals pretty well, and not a few of them have revealed to me their desire to have a stable relationship with a guy, but are afraid to open up about their work and eschew going out with clients for reasons that LG states.  Providers have the same needs and wants for intimacy that we all have.

So, go into this with eyes open, but maybe it's worth taking a chance.  Follow LG's advice.

I would love to hear how this works out.

I dated one escort for 6 years and another one for four years.  It wasn't my plan, it just sort of happened- just like with any other relationship.   Both women were very different, but there were many similarities that I think apply to anyone dating an escort.

To have a chance at succeeding, you need to be the type that isn't jealous or possessive.  Not the type that says he isn't, but the type that deep down truly isn't.  Because if you're the long-suffering boyfriend sitting at home harboring resentment while she's out with some other guy, not only will the relationship fail, it will likely cause you some emotional damage in the process.

You need to realize that you get last choice, not first choice.  There will be times when you need to cancel your plans to go out with her, even if you had reservations, because some good, regular client just got into town and she needs the money  or doesn't want to say no to HIM.  In other words, you must be OK that your needs will come last, not first.

You need to be able to listen to her stories without it being a problem.  If you're in a relationship, it's inevitable that she'll bring some work home with her, so to speak.  If you're not OK with that, then she'll cut you out of big pieces of her life and you won't have the sort of mutual caring that every relationship needs.

You need to be able to be the second, third, or maybe even the fourth guy she's been with that day.  Or you need to be able to be the  last guy that she's too tired to have sex with after a long day of fucking other men.  If this is going to be a problem for you, don't date an escort.

In short, you need to be flexible, accepting, the type that isn't jealous or insecure, and the type of guy that doesn't just say these things to date a hot provider, but really means them and can live with the consequences.

I'm very self-sufficient, self-reliant, and not typically jealous.  I could easily entertain myself or change my plans if she had to change hers.  These are essential personality traits required to date an escort.  But even I was tested on a couple of occasions.

As the relationship progresses and you develop stronger feelings, you can't become more possessive of her, because unless she's ready to retire to be with you, she'll never be yours.  She'll only be partially yours and the presence of her clients will always be in the background.  If you can live with that, then pursue the relationship.

If you get angry when your GF rolls over in bed and says "Not tonight, I'm just too tired after the day I've had" and you know that what she's really saying is "I've fucked too many guys today to want to fuck you" then don't date an escort.

If you're someone who believes in the "I'm very low volume" claim that you read on everyone's web site, then don't date an escort and find out the truth.  These ladies are selling a depreciating product and most will try to get as much money as they can, as quickly as they can.  If you're naive enough to think otherwise, then don't date an escort.

If it freaks you out to DATY wondering how many other cocks have been there first that day, then don't date an escort.

If it will bothers you that she's out of town or out of the country with another guy while you're sitting at home taking care of her apartment or pet, then don't date an escort.

If it bothers you that at some point she'll take calls from clients in your presence, and you'll hear the sort of flirty conversations you thought she reserved for you alone, then don't date an escort.

Relationships are challenging enough, even without the extra obstacles unique to dating a provider.  Make sure you're dating her because of who she really is as a person, and not because you're turned on by the idea of dating an attractive escort for free.  A lot of guys have a strange fascination with this business and the women who are in it, and they're attracted to it because it's so far from the norm.  But that's not the basis for a successful long-term relationship, so make sure there's more than that motivating you.

It takes a special guy to make it work, but it can work.  You just need to know yourself well enough to know if you're that kind of guy.  Hopefully, this will give you something to think about.

Did you continue to hobby while dating either one of those providers and if so, did that create any problems?

If you did, were they aware of it, and if so, were they OK with it?

G2, first i wish to applaud you for being so open and revealing about your experiences here. reading your words made me feel for you, truly, though i realize your own attitude is a frank and accepting one.

as a married provider, while i agree with some of the things you mentioned (like a man involved with an escort cannot be the jealous type), many other points you mentioned my Husband and i just cannot relate to. why would clients ever come before the Love of your life? my Husband knows that he comes first, second and third in my life. His needs, desires and even whims come before any rendezvous with a client. if i have a scheduled meeting with a client and all of a sudden my Husband gets the day off and wants to be with me, i cancel/re-schedule, no hesitation. if for whatever reason he just does not want me to see a particular client, i won't, no hesitation. and if after a long date with a client (overnight or longer) i'm tired and just want to rest a bit, but he's horny and needs a release, i take care of him, HAPPILY, no hesitation.

perhaps the difference is that in our case the escorting came long after the relationship had already been established, and was a mutual decision. i asked his permission, he gave it serious thought and gave his approval within the boundaries he set up. so i am not living a double or independent life, it is all still very much connected to him, to us. i would not have the courage or strength to engage in this hobby otherwise.

maybe the most important trait needed by both parties in these relationships is complete and naked honesty. honesty not just between one another, but with yourself. if there is anything hidden, held back or denied...it is doomed from the start.

lilli,
Thank you for this enlightening perspective.  
skb

Quit beating a dead horse.....

Good luck and happy hobbying!

relationships is extremely interesting.

We both have demanding jobs (not in the sex industry), knowing when family has to come first is something I deal with a lot.

Trying to work out our schedules so that all of our needs are meet is a never ending project.

I look forward to more post on this topic.

tc

Hell yea!!! that is so cool man...I wish I can date a provider..

DAMG LUCKY BIOTCH!!! lol

Peace!

Further down this board I posted that you were the rarest of the rare, and I meant in the best possible way.  Your post here is further proof.  

But there are some major differences between your situation and my experiences.  First, you're married, and as such, your husband is a partner in your life and the things you choose to do.  Your discussion with him about you wanting to escort shows that.

I, on the other hand, was only dating the two escorts I mentioned.  They were maintaining their own places, were paying most of their own bills, though I paid for entertainment, travel and other "dating" type expenses.  Their income was their's, not "ours," as was their time.  

As a result, they were never going to reduce their income and security for some guy they were just dating.  Nor did they have to ask my permission to schedule a date. They acted in the best interest of their career and income, and since I wasn't supporting the, I could hardly take issue with that.  There's a big difference between married and dating.

You've said in the past that you viewed yourself as submissive (I hope I'm remembering that correctly) and I think that's reflected in the attitudes you've expressed here and in other posts about wanting to please your partner first and foremost, even elevating his needs and desires above your own.  I believe you even said your sex drive was contingent upon you being desired by another, and if you weren't desired sexually, then your sex drive would disappear.  I can't even express how uniquely wonderful I find that to be.  But I can assure you, few other women in commercial sex work feel that way.  Again, if they did, this wouldn't even be a topic for discussion.

The reason I remember this is because in 10 years on TER, I've never, ever heard these attitudes expressed by another, and that's why I found your mindset about your partners so fascinating.  As a result, when comparing you to all the other escorts I've either known or read about on TER, there is no simply no comparison- you are unique.

I think your point is very valid about escorting in your case coming after the relationship had been established, and the difference it made having both of you being part of the decision.  In my case, I met these women through escorting and then we progressed to a dating relationship.  I think it would have been extremely presumptuous of me to then take issue with the fact they were escorts, or question them when they put their best interest first.  The ground rules had already been put in place and there was no question they were working to support themselves.

And frankly, I didn't ask their permission to go on a business trip, so I didn't expect them to ask mine either when a client said let' go to Mardi Gras, for example.  I'm very independent and low maintenance, and the woman in the six year relationship matched these characteristics also.  I think that's why we were able to get along so well under circumstances that most couples would find very challenging.  But these relationships were in no way like marriage, either in terms of commitment or obligations to a partner.

Unfortunately, the two escorts with whom I had relationships didn't share your values and attitudes.  So while my comments were an objective assessment of what it was like to date them, and probably quite typical of what the average guy should expect if he were to begin such a relationship, I have no doubt my experience in no way reflects what it would be like to be in a relationship with you if you were escorting.

Also, someone else on this thread asked if I dated others while I was dating the two escorts.  I didn't, but only because I chose not to.  They obviously saw clients, but weren't dating others "off the clock," either.  In both cases, we had discussed living together, but the cost of a separate incall location always proved to be a problem.  And while I had a large house, it wouldn't have worked as an incall due to the neighborhood.

I didn't mean to sound overly negative about the prospects of successfully having a relationship with a provider, but I do think guys contemplating such a decision need to carefully read my comments and be honest with themselves.  Dating a pretty woman, especially a woman that you know other men find desirable can attract a lot of guys.  But you have to take a cold, hard, objective look at what's really involved and then decide if you've got what it takes to make it work.  Both of the ladies I dated had previous problems with ex-boyfriends becoming stalkers.  One even climbed the roof and broke into her house while we were in bed!  

So clearly, not everyone is cut out for this type of relationship, and a guy needs to make sure that he is before proceeding.   That was my real point.  Obviously, I did it for 10 years combined and wouldn't have continued if I'd found it to be damaging.  But I know other men would have been pushed to the brink by the things I accepted as "normal."  As always, It comes down to knowing yourself.

I would repeat lilli's statement, "maybe the most important trait needed by both parties in these relationships is complete and naked honesty. honesty not just between one another, but with yourself. if there is anything hidden, held back or denied...it is doomed from the start."

You have received a lot of good advice, both from LG and others, but I believe lilli's statement to be the single most important item.

There will be issues. She will test you. And, as LG said to me in another thread, honesty isn't always easy. As both LG and lilli have said, you have to be honest both with yourself and with her. Sometimes you have to be prepared to let the chips fall where they may. But honesty is required for trust and trust is precious. Lose it and the relationship is doomed.

As for my own relationship, it gives every appearance of going well and the lady is very dear to me.

as the saying goes...been there, so just Don't Do It

i wish you the very best. this degree of openness and acceptance is something that i think all of us even when we don't know we want it.

being a provider and having an S/O. So she bailed. Hasn't looked back since. OTOH;we no longer see each other but are tremendous friends still. See her frequently.

Yes there are concerns,but don't ALLOW anyone else to dictate what is best for YOU.

"we no longer see each other but are tremendous friends still. See her frequently. "


Happy Thanksgiving to Everyone

professionally. We see each other often as friends and NOTHING else. She has a BF her own age and loves to share her adventures.

I can't really say go for it or turn and run, that all depends on you and her and both understanding the whole truths.
I had a relationship for 3yrs. Now granted I was not honest about what I do so that made for a very messy ending.
What I can tell you is not many men can handle the reality of an honest relationship with a girl in this very complicated business.
You will have times that your plans will change and when she comes home from work, you will know what she's been up to more or less.
Jealousy is an emotion that needs to be absent in a relationship with an escort. There's just no room for it.  
I know i see what I do very differently than many others do in the civie world, and there are many layers to who I am as a person that this business has contributed to on one level or another.

The relationships with gals in this biz run very differently. Many of our clients have been our clients for a long time, yrs even. we have intimacy and affection for many of them just on a limited level.
The relationship with my ex was very different from my clients it was more complete. I put more of myself into it. Yet since I was keeping this secret I did not put all of myself in and that was a problem...different topic all together.

You need to go into this with your eyes wide open, honest with yourself and getting your needs met. Will a relationship with an escort meet your needs or do you require more of her to make it work. There will always be a part of her held back. A part you are not involved in and if you want to be with an escort you will need to accept that from the begining.

some serious soul searching is needed on your part before you leap. I can tell you it won't be easy.

Responding to G2's answer above - THAT is the best written response I have EVER seen on this topic.

Without getting into my specifics, I have been in love with  and dated a provider in a civvie way for the past 3 years.

I could NOT do/be all the things he suggested and I'm emotionally scarred for life. Have recently ended it but probably to late.

BTW - I was NOT some newbie to the biz or dating.

Well I have taken  the plunge. Fell  deeply in love with a provider about a year ago. In her case, has an escape plan, and is working to leave the business. I have helped emotionally and financially in helping her move toward her goal. She has been in the business for a number of years and says she is tired of it, and now finds it hard to book with a client because of our relationship. It has been very difficult for me. I would offer this to someone who is or about to be involved with a provider besides the excellent comments on this post. Do not read your girlfriends reviews. That will drive you crazy.

BG, is right escorts don't have trouble meeting men.  Hell they can see any of their clients they want too.  Way too many variables in this that can go wrong and yes you will most certainly get played in one way or another.  

Again remember she is in it for the $$$ first and anything else is a distant second.  

Move on and don't get burned as your playing with fire and your going to get burned before she does.  

-- Modified on 12/2/2009 4:17:40 PM

Sorry, I could not resist.

I wish you the best.  I have heard it works out for some people. If you develop deep feelings for this lady you are setting yourself up for an emotional rollercoaster ride.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

KSL