I was referred to here from the “Newbie Discussion Board.”

I am a 22 year old virgin.  I have never had a girlfriend, been or a date, or even had a friend that is a girl.  I am inclined to lose my virginity with an escort.  I was told that the “Love Goddess” may have input in regard to my decision.

My decision is based on the fact that – while I consider myself to be mostly moral, clean, hardworking, smart, and not too terribly bad looking – I have been, more or less, rejected by every girl that I have tried to befriend/date.  In summation, I have a 0% success rate.  And assuming that this trend continues, I feel that it would be beneficial to halt my hopefully optimistic attitude toward ever developing a relationship with a girl I like.

So with that said, I am – almost without a doubt – certain that I will hire an escort.  I find it difficult to watch friends, or any other guy for that matter, in what seems to be a happy relationship and a road toward marriage.  For me, marriage would only seem like an anomaly.  And I have tried other avenues, one of which includes match.com (that was my last attempt at ever finding someone).

And while I have pondered about whether a quid fro quo exchange of money for sex is immoral, and whether I could live with my decision, I have determined that for me – it would seem like the only option to fulfill my sexual needs (refer to “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs).  I feel as though my insecurities stem largely at never having been involved with a woman.  And to be quite honest, I find the idea of never having had sex now, or in the future, quite painful.

While I have almost certainly decided that I will proceed with hiring an escort, I am worried about what this type of activity may do to my future career.  Most notably, I fear that by engaging in such type of activity, I may be arrested for prostitution.  And similarly, on a polygraph test – or application – I may be asked to whether or not I have paid for sex.  This worries me greatly.

However, other than my main concern, I am certain that – based on my history – paying for sex will be my only way of experiencing the sexual pleasures that one would experience when in a relationship.

Thanks!

explore the issue of loosing your virginity through the hobby, and what issues may result from that.  You may be setting some sexual and emotional expectations that any future civilian girlfriend or wife may not be able to meet; or conversely, you may be setting yourself up for some very negative feelings toward sex and intimacy if you choose your first provider poorly.  There are a number of other issues at stake that I'm sure LG will be able to address much better than most.

Your initial post did not bring up the legal concerns, which are probably not relevant for this board, and I encourage you to look at the legal board  for discussions concerning those issues.

I have included the link to your Newbie thread so that your post can be put into context.  Good luck with everything.






-- Modified on 3/17/2008 3:45:28 AM

Dear onebigfan1445,

While I understand your fear and concerns, arrests will most likely not be in the cards if you choose a provider with a good reputation and a solid track record. Experienced providers take great precautions in NOT getting arrested. With this in mind, I would also advise you to avoid agencies, as they do keep records and the more high-profile they are, the more they risk getting targeted by law enforcement. Needless to say, there are no guarantees, however, and it's a judgment call like everything else. Paradoxically speaking, however, the more a provider screens, i.e. the more she wants to know about you - where you work, being able to prove it, any references you may have, proof of graduation from a 4-year college, answers to technical questions (if the provider is equally smart, of course)  - all of these things do help in ensuring that the provider is as careful about screening as you may be. Hence, it's good to offer some information when asked, so that both of you feel comfortable when meeting. And, of course, if people kept getting arrested left and right, TER wouldn't exist and the oldest profession in the world would not flourish the way it does.


As to polygraph tests, I can't give you any specific advice. It depends on what your career aspirations are and what the requirements are for those goals. If you know that you will apply for a job that requires you to take such tests, AND, you know that the question will be "have you ever seen a prostitute," AND you know that you will not be able to pass such a test by not telling the truth, then I suppose I would think twice. Everyone has his or her limits and risk assessment is always paramount. You seem like a sharp guy so I'm sure you have considered your personal limitations. And, of course, telling lies on written applications is included in the mix. I wonder how many people cheat on their taxes "under penalty of perjury." Maybe you just need to be in the situation to assess it right there and then.

On the other hand, what sort of job goes into such invasion of privacy? Is it the CIA or FBI? No private enterprise would surely ask such questions...Or?

Pentagon, here you come,
the Love Goddess

I certainly agree with everything that LG has said, and add a couple of points.

1. The likelihood of an employer asking that kind of question is, in my opinion, zero.  I've been an employee and an employer for nearly 40 years now and have never heard of such a thing.  Further, keep in mind that prostitution is legal in Nevada, parts of Rhode Island and many parts of the world.  It's no more relevant to job performance than asking if you've ever put a quarter in a slot machine.

2. Do it for the experience, but keep in mind that this is a business.  If you choose right, you'll find a provider who will be kind, compassionate, sexy and fun.  But she's not, and will not be, your girlfriend.  

Good luck!

than those on the Newbie board where Onebigfan first posted. There, a number of hobbyists and providers wrote discouraging Onebigfan from taking the hobbyist route and to work instead on developing his social skills through dating etc.

His message on this board provides more info on his situation, particularly that he has NEVER been on a date much less had a girlfriend.

Well, hell, a provider costs $300-$400 per hour and a shrink is a lot less expensive than that. In this case, the money would be much better invested in a therapist who could help explore some of the relationship issues. I agree with the folks on the Newbie board. Going to a provider under these circumstances will just be a setback, not a step forward.

Why are people so reluctant these days to seek out psychiatric help? (Don't tell me. I already know.) But this seems to be a clear case where a few years investment in therapy could pay lifelong dividends.

-- Modified on 11/14/2008 4:27:24 PM

Dear bbbmmm22,

I happen to be a licensed, board-certified mental health professional and I feel compelled to address this issue once again.

While I do believe that it would be a great idea for this young man to "develop his social skills," I wouldn't leap to the conclusion that he needs "psychiatric help." Psychiatrists these days don't do much therapy, they do med management and follow-up. Most of them refer patients to people like me. And we do take referrals gladly - I just don't know if a psychiatric referral pertains to this young man in this case. Hence, we do separate psychotherapy and psychiatric care, for accuracy's sake.

Having said that, I must say that we have to put ourselves in the position of someone who is 22, horny as hell and very, very frustrated. I'm not a man, but I can certainly empathize with his situation. Being a virgin at 22 can dent anyone's self-esteem to the point of feeling so low, so despondent and so self-disparaging, that going to a therapist, developing social skills etc. gets to be a true ordeal. Also, many therapists, sad to say, do have SOCIAL AGENDAS. They subtly steer and influence the client into what THEY feel is right or wrong. And most of them do feel that prostitution is WRONG, from a MORAL and legal perspective. Believe me, my client base consists of hobbyists, providers and the LGBT population - I should know. I can't begin to tell you how many clients who have chosen to come to me, only because they feel they can speak freely, without fear of the therapist subtly raising his/her eyebrow in some kind of disapproval. So when we send people like this guy to "therapy" to develop his social skills, we need to think again. And of course, that's not what he's going to develop in therapy anyway. Social skills are developed in group situations and some people are just NOT group lovers. Yep, there are those who are introverted and not necessarily happy mingling. Yes, they are shy, yes, their lives are different from the average person's, but are they unhappy? That's also something to consider - not everyone is the gregarious type, and that has to be OK too.

The point is, right now he's not looking for a relationship, HE WANTS TO GET LAID. And for that, a provider will do just fine. In fact, chances are it will make him feel a lot better about himself afterwards, rather than sitting alone in his room and develop a masturbatory pattern that does nothing for developing social skills - quite the contrary. Jacking off endlessly can make it difficult to orgasm with a real female, as the brain quickly gets habituated to this type of sexual pattern. To know and feel that one has sexual competence is important, and those feelings can very well develop in the company of a provider.

Also, it is important - at least when you run an advice board such as this one - to take postings at face value. It's very tempting to read all sorts of things into postings, such as a person's character, underlying motives, etc. But the best thing one can do is simply to answer the question with a minimum of inferences. The young man is not stating in his posting that he is depressed or otherwise down in the dumps. In fact, he states that he has made a decision and has some concerns around the mechanics of it - but not the sexual or emotional aspects around it.

Finally, I think we need to watch ourselves for slipping into the underlying societal bias against sex for sale, despite the fact that we are all here participating out of free will. There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with your first time being a paid encounter. NOTHING. The problem is that some men - not all - are not able to go beyond paid sex and they do establish a pattern of interrelating primarily with paid ladies for the convenience of it. But that's not ALL, and we need to be careful in making assumptions.

I hope he gets his wick dipped, quite frankly,
the Love Goddess

Find yourself an experienced well reviewed provider and get yourself laid. It's not life and death here, it's just sex. Part of your problem may very well be that you are so freaked out by still having not had any that you are attaching too much significance to it. You may not even enjoy it all that much the first time but you know what? It doesn't matter. The sun will come up the next morning, life will go on and you will have popped your cherry!
Go for it. Have fun...and if you don't have fun try it again with another girl!

Here's what I think: people place too much emphasis on one's first time.  It's just sex, and like a lot of firsts, it won't be an world-class experience.  Think of your first car: you probably didn't care whether or not it was a Lexus.  A Ford Escort (no pun intended) that was drivable and looked presentable was probably enough to make you happy.

The same thing with sex.  Your first time needs to happen somehow, and if it's with a provider, who cares.  As long as you get what you're looking for (namely, sex), you'll probably walk away smiling, or at the minimum, feeling like you've gotten a giant monkey off your back.  The most important thing is that you'll get rid of the v-card.  It'll calm you down, so you'll be able to focus on finding a relationship and building social skills, just as the people on here have been telling you.  *But* it looks like you're better off losing the v-card first.

There is a great website, Dating Groundwork.  It's got an article that talks about a situation similar to yours.  It pretty much tells you that your first time won't be all explosions and fireworks, so don't expect it.  But if you want to be able to say "being there, done that" and know how to control your emotions, then the hobby is for you.

Again the love goddess is correct and gives good advice.
I second the thought--find a well reviewed escort and go at it.  If you have found this site, you know how to find reviews.
Tell the escort it is your first time and she will work with you.  Nothing better than a girl teaching you.
This experience should give you confidence which will help when you do meet a girl.  When you find a girl you will feel bad still being a virgin unless she is too.  This removes that barrier.
Lie detector--I also wonder if you are looking for a job in law enforcement, which you might have to answer that question.  I know in the fbi you are allowed to have a few answers that don't meet the norm but no lies.  Example you can have used pot, but less than five times.  If this could ruin your career dreams you might want to be patient about losing your virginity.  I think you will find somebody soon.
I am sure you are not the only 22 year old virgin out there.  Since you added all this info I think we should address it.  First you need to change your attitude, women look for confidence, and you sound like you are defeated already.  Wait until your 50 and single.  You have a lot of life ahead of you and you seem to be giving up.  
Besides changing your attitude I would recommend getting involved in social activities or sports where you will be around other people your age, especially females.  The more people you meet the greater the chance you will meet a girl or meet someone else who can introduce you.
Finally don't be afraid to ask a girl out.  When you meet a single girl that you might like ask her out.  If you don't have sex with her that is okay, the experience of dating increases your confidence.  If you get rejected don't pout and give up, give it another try.
You have to put yourself out there in order to find somebody.  You seem to think you are good looking and moral, if so there has to be a girl out there for you.  Learn to flirt and then do it every chance you get.
Good luck and keep your head up.

here to get input from you regarding emotional and sexual expectations and going into this with his eyes wide open.  Some of these women are good enough to reset his brain, and I thought he may benefit from a dialog here regarding the differences between sexual experiences (good and bad) from providers as opposed to a future civie relationship.  There is a really good chance that he will not get from a civie what he will eventually get from a provider in terms of variety and service.  I thought maybe you would have some insight into that aspect of his taking the leap.

Dear Dixie_Chicken,
That all sounds very good, except the man did not really go into "emotional and sexual expectations" in his posting. He asked some law enforcement and screening questions and they were answered.

It is not really up to me to decide if he would or would not benefit from a certain kind of dialogue - if he's not asking for it. This is what I mean in my posting about only responding to issues that the poster is asking to address.

We have, however, had threads on virgins asking before. Do a search back to 2006 and you shall find.

An old Yankee hen
the Love Goddess

First of all it is a good sign that you came here and asked the opinions of people who have experience. It says that you aren't one to make rash decisions and actually think things through.

Personally I was in a similar position as you. I was 25, had only 1 girlfriend and almost no sexual experience and was a virgin. When it came down to it I just wanted to get laid and have an experience where I felt like a beautiful lady wanted me. Now, for me, I am very shy and got brutally nervous when going on a date or even when being around a girl I liked. I would get nervous to the point of having to make a trip to the bathroom. I was frustrated, horny, and always wanted the hottest girl in the bar. I am pretty normal all the way around and could probably get some decent looking girls on my own, but it was hard and stressful...almost to the point of it not being worth the effort and potential humiliation.

So I met a providor on my vacation to Tampa and lost my virginity. I told her when we met about my virginity deal and she was very accomodating and I realize now that she did a great job of trying make it special. Initially it was a wierd experience and I almost regretted it, but obviously (16 reviews later) I came around and love it. It has given me much higher confidence and my nervousness has subsuded greatly (although it will always be there in some form). Every time I meet a new providor I feel closer to being able to go out and meet a supermodel on my own.

My advice to you is to really question your motives and your scenario. I personally think you should lose your virginity under "normal" circumstances as I sometimes wish I had, but it is ultimately up to you. It all depends on your individual situation and motives. Do what is right for you. Do what gives you what you need in your life. Just remember that if you do it, you can't take it back.

If you have any questions feel free to PM me and I will help you as much as I can. I have been where you are and I am still only 26 so it is fresh in my head. Hope this helps!

I was in your position 10 years ago or so and I was 21 then. I paid a provider to have my cherry popped and not a damn regret. Last time I checked, I turned out quite normal too. No BS like stunted growth, social skills or whatever.

The provider was wonderful, I told her it was my first time in reference to seeing a provider but not in terms of getting my cherry popped. She was super hot model brunette and I was dressed like a geek. I think she figured out I was a virgin and made sure I had memorable experience.

After the date I remember having a huge smile on my face, an extra pop (no pun intended) to my step, more self confidence and self esteem than I could imagine and more importantly lighter balls. I was also more focused on my school work as I was no longer distracted with getting laid.

My only advise would be to use your debit card and get a 30 day membership and do your research while reading reviews in full detail. Choose a well reviewed GFE provider with a full menu. Screening will be a challenge but not impossible if you email the provider your situation.

As far as security goes - USE COMMON SENSE. I remember being nervous as hell, my first time and nothing happened.

This discussion comes up regularly on the Newbie Discussion Board. For whatever reason, I have sensed a strong bias against advising young adult males or virgins from joining the hobby. It is the reason I no longer participate on that board. 99 % of males on TER probably pay to get laid at some point. What makes some of us so qualified to tell another man not to do it is beyond me particularly when we give seemingly endless advice to young adult females who want to become providers.

Oh yeah, be sure to write a review and let us know about it. Good Luck!

Onebigfan, your story reminds me of a good friend of mine in college.

This guy was very handsome, but was very shy around girls.  On his 21st birthday, a group of guys went together and got him a "date" at the local "fun house".  I was one of the guys who went with him.

Because he was so nice looking, all the ladies there made a very big deal out of him, especially when we told them the details of his being there.

To make a long story short, he enjoyed his trip so much he had to take a job to pay for his new hobby and he spent so much time at it he almost flunked out of college his final semester (and he had been on the dean's list every other semester)!

Good luck with it.  I am sure you will enjoy the experience.

I was in a similar situation whereby I could not "score" for a while, when I moved to this country. The approach you've chosen works, and I think you'll do just fine.

Just pick the 1st girl with care (young, clean, dependable, your type, true GFE "girlfriend experience provider" would seem to all make sense to me).

Do not go for anybody out of your budget range in an effort to make this "super special" as it will only add to your pressure. To address your issue properly and get your sex life kick started, realisticaly one girl / one time is not going to do it. You should budget, I think, to be with 3 girls within a month and a half's time. Do not go back to the same girl - you may like here but that is not the point of the excercise - you are not marrying that woman, and you need the experience. Pick girls that are different in many ways (body type, race, etc) but whose pix give you that feeling. Those may not be playboy magazine quaity pix (frankly i suspect most playboy models are blah in bed), but sometimes your eye catches some curve or another trait even on an otherwise plane jane type girl, that sends the pulse down your spine to your balls - that's how you know it's your girl.

For the 1st time, book enough time (1 hr or 2) so you can really take the time to enjoy the girl's many nooks and crannies. Make sure multiple pops are allowed with the provider you select - or you will be asked to go after you pop the 1st time (which will probably be very quick) regardless of the amount of time you paid for. Specify on the provider search that the girl not have tattoos or pierchings, and make sure the breasts are "youthful" or "super nice" with no implants. I am not trying to say there's anything wrong with any of these whatsoever - I just want to minimize your chance of freaking out or being distracted by it.

If you jerk off regularly (as I feel everyone should - a lot healthier and more enjoyable than walking around with blue balls), do not jerk off for like 3-4 days befor the big day. Much longer than 3-4 days, and you'll have "blue balls" which is actually not helpful.

If you do not like the girl in person when you meet her, just turn around and leave - take your penis and your cash elsewhere. Incalls are better for this, as you'd be the one leaving.

Lastly, on the question of morality, there are many, many things in this rotten conniving litle world of ours which are dirtier than paying for sex. Like manipulative politics, wars under false pretenses, hypocricy, murder, rape, and so on. Is paying a provider for sex really more immoral than seducing some young girl and using her for sex? And what about so many of the marriages, which are little more than a lifetime package prostitution/escort deals.

The point is, and this is probably what has stood in your way in the "civilian world", is that you have to leave all these worries and concerns and analysis paralyisis behind before you interact with a female mate - a provider or otherwise. Because there's nothing - NOTHING - more primal than sex or competing for the quality female. Your big hear is 22 yrs old; your little hear has millions of years of evolutionary knowledge. You gotta let go sometimes - otherwise it's like driving with a handbrake still on - you're not going to be very competitive. It takes nothing less than complete fearless and apologetic penile and testicular commitment to make an impression on a prime female - the brain should serve auxiliary and safety net functions - but otherwies pretty much ride shotgun. In this civilization's entire history, nobody has ever reasoned his way into any girl's panties

Good luck, and cheers!

I've tried all three, going with out is just not an option for guys in a secular hedonistic world, you have to relieve sexual tension anymore to maintain some degree of sanity or avoid depression.

Masturbation, I guarentee will get old sooner or later.

And sooner or later, the odds are your going to need an escort, and I mean NEED.

I think it sounds like what he NEEDS to do. However...there are some out there who will NOT see you. I am one of them. Age first off is a real issue for me. Don't see anyone under 35 and prefer Gentlemen over 40 really. Also I would not be interested in a virgin. Too much work and less fun for me. I prefer a more seasoned Lover I guess.
You may want to find one who is willing to teach you the art of Love making. I would choose wisely and take your time. To find, for your first experience a Lady who is patient and kind and is Gentle to your needs and lack of experience. This is a task that if done well, you will be thrilled with your experience. If done poorly I would see it could be a great let down and a total disaster as your first experience.  Good Luck.......

-- Modified on 4/6/2008 6:15:30 PM

A couple of things run throught my mind when I read threads like this:

First of all, to all these guys who say how nervous they were losing their virginity with a provider, how is it then, that you can even function...especially with a condom?

So, I am to believe that you are calm enough to stay hard, to get the cover on and proceed to completion and it's your first time with a complete stranger? That just amazes me, because if I had tried to lose my virginity that way, it would have never worked. It would have destroyed my confidence.

So, how do we know we are giving the right advice when we tell virgins to "go for it" with a provider?