I've seen a lady twice now who I find turns me on not just because she's gorgeous and great in bed but because I find her engaging, smart, and fun to talk to. At first she seemed somewhat professional and a little standoffish - nothing offensive, just what would seem normal for a young but experienced provider - but as we spent more time together she's seemed to show a lot more playful, spontaneous side and there are many instances where it's seemed she's let her guard down and been very open to me like talking to a friend and not a client. Last we met, we went 30-45 minutes over our time just chatting and it didn't seem like she was in any hurry to have me leave (I was the one that had to mention the time). She even agreed to help me with a project I have even though it would mean meeting me as a civvie and my learning much more about her real life details.

Now, I don't have long years of hobbying experience but I'm no noob either - I've seen many other ladies before her so I'm well aware the client is mostly just a paycheck. She's told me that I'm the first client she's had who gave her a gift (it was nothing expensive) and certainly that and my penchant for tipping could be all it is but this girl has been so frank and honest that I don't think she's putting up a pretense just to keep me coming back. Frankly, it seems pretty obvious from her reviews that she's got more than enough rich clients she doesn't have to go out of her way for me especially since she's seeing me at a lower rate than normal (no, I did not negotiate, other circumstances prevailed). I don't harbor any romantic notions (I've got no relationship currently to worry about but no girl that pretty would look twice at me) but I do think we could make good friends although I think I'm far from good at reading other people's signals. Is that a bad thing to be thinking? I know this is pay-for-play but we're still human beings and if she does see me as a possible friend I don't think it's right to ignore that. Love Goddess, what do you think?

Surprise, EvenManlyMenWearCologne,

I'm actually with you on this one. IF you are able to maintain boundaries and not go above and beyond "the friendship," IF you are able to be genuinely friendly with someone you pay for sex, then why not? You don't have another relationship going, hence no one to lie to about this one. You're not so naive as to think that this girl is madly in love with you; all in all, you seem to be fairly level-headed about the situation - SO FAR.

And what is there to say that she wouldn't value a friend like you? As you point out, we are all human beings. If you can keep it on the level, very straight and upfront, then there should be no problems. But do watch out for escalating romantic feelings, particularly since you are unattached and perhaps in a slightly more "vulnerable" state than if you were happily married.

As to her helping you with a project as a civvie - that may be OK, as long as the boundaries are clearly spelled out as well. If you're not paying her for the project and you expect X amount of time spent, then your expectations do run the risk of being unfulfilled. The key to all this is to remain open, transparent and without ulterior motives or agendas.

Good luck with the exploration,
The Love Goddess

Regardless of the business relationship involved, sometimes people  click, just like in any other aspect of life.  Where things tend to become a problem is when one of the two people have an ulterior motive, such as a guy offers friendship, but he really wants to start dating and become her boyfriend.  These women can smell that one a mile away.

And it works the other way too.  When I had a really great house I had one provider I'd seen many times hint she wanted to move in with me, and others assumed I had more money than I did and were always trying to find ways to get a little more somehow (their car needed repairs, they were behind on the rent etc.).  They were only using the appearance of friendship as bait for a white knight to give them money off the clock.  And some of them are quite adept at finding those guys too.  Needless to say, neither of these behaviors are conducive to true friendship.

On the other hand, I've had ladies invite me to parties, ask me if I wanted to stay and have dinner or meet them for drinks, and any number of similar things any friend might do.  So yes, it can happen, just be yourself and be honest about it.  But please don't fall in love because we don't need another post on that subject!

-- Modified on 5/10/2010 5:44:48 PM

I'm of the opinion that we should be open to friendships wherever we find them.

As with any friendship, honesty is a good policy and it's important not to behave in ways that may be considered presumptuous. Respecting boundaries are extremely important in that regard.

Enjoy the budding relationship but watch the attachments, both yours and hers. You don't want to talk the relationship to death but you also don't want to be caught unawares.

It's all those IFs that made me question the virtue of getting friendly versus just keeping my distance lol. On the romance aspect, I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that I find her extremely attractive but I've had too many a complicated experience with romance before to take any such thoughts lightly and besides I think I'm a fairly average guy and therefore not her type. And I should probably say that I have no plans of trying to get any special favors out of this - I realize this is her job and that she does it to support herself (in fact I've been bothered somewhat by her graciously seeing me at a discount). It would not be appropriate for a true friend to abuse the relationship and hurt her business. I think I just needed to hear a fair assessment from someone else and so I really appreciate your input, LG.

I think my take away from this is that I basically should just act normally and not try to treat her differently because she's a provider or because she's very attractive and just see what happens

we don't want you to come back with another post which will require the LG to respond with the dreaded "I've fallen for a provider and can't get up" answer. Good luck!

I hate seeing soppy posts from somebody who got the wrong idea and was disappointed when a provider didn't reciprocate - I definitely don't want to read my own soppy post like that lol. I don't blame some of them 'cause it is way too easy to develop an attraction to someone who you've shared intimate moments with but this is first and foremost a business relationship. This lady I'm talking about seems like a sweet but level-headed girl so I think the least I can do is be level-headed myself. I believe keeping it first and foremost in my mind that I'm having to pay for her time should help me keep my feet planted lol.

Over the years, I have developed deep and rewarding personal friendships with several wonderful ladies who just happen to be in this line of work. Through occasionally painful trial and error, I have learned a few lessons about how to be a good and true friend to these ladies. First, always let the lady drive the relationship. Wait for her to initiate the phone call or suggest the activity. Never demand, plead, whine, or grovel for her attention. She already gets far too much of that, and she will not tolerate it from candidates for friendship. Do not over-stay your welcome. Better to leave while she is asking you to stay longer. Never ask about her business. If she chooses to confide in you, be supportive, but otherwise keep your mouth shut. Never gossip about the business with anyone – male or female. No exceptions. If you say something about someone else to her, she will rightly assume that you will be talking about her to someone else. If she has any concerns that you might have loose lips, the chances of achieving a “real” friendship are pretty much zero. Finally, do not confuse all of the favors, monetary and otherwise, that you may do for her with the envelope, and always pay the full rate for the session booked. If she offers a modification, assume that the offer only applies to that specific occasion. She will make herself quite clear if she wants a modification to stick.

Hope this helps.

Awesome advice!  

I do chat it up and spend extra time with some people who are regulars of mine.  I prefer the feeling of treating each other like human beings as long as we understand the boundaries and there is mutual respect!

but for me clear communication and equal treatment of each other is essential. i have thought of four providers as friends in different ways. each is a very different friendhip and follows its own unique path, has its own protocols. three i can still regard as friends to one degree or another. one is lasting well, with ups and downs, post her retirement.

Over the years, and in many different cities and countries I have been friends with providers. In some cases it was extended time just hanging out - maybe watching a movie. In some cases it was going to dinner off the clock after a session. In some cases it was outright dating - platonic, off the clock and absolutely delightful. All of these friendships eventually ended as by travel patterns changed though in some cases we stayed in email contact for years. So, yes you can be friends

MH50

I have a couple of Fav ladies whom I am on a Limited Friend basis with.  When we play, it's pay4play, though time limits are relaxed, sometimes quite a bit.  We may continue to chat.  I've had a provider make us a nice lunch or refreshments...  after the time had expired.  
Since I have a SO, there is no where for these friendships to go, unless there is some horrible accident.  
I think that is the thing to keep in mind...  Where is it the relationship could go?  
Would BOTH of you want it to?
skb

I have a couple of such friendships.

One thing that is always emphasized here is the man respecting the woman's boundaries. I agree, they SHOULD be respected for anything useful to happen.

But one thing seldom mentioned is the need for the woman to respect the man's boundaries. If a man has boundaries, they are there for a reason and they are pushed/crossed at the peril of the relationship.

But overall we agree. Friendship is friendship. Arbitrarily excluding people from friendship on the grounds of their occupation would seem silly.

We also agree on the attachments, AND that they can go both ways.

on friends with benefits.

This is friends with envelope benefits.

Yes it is possible and a lot of fun.

you are paying someone to spend time with you ..friendship is not for sale...I do not believe there can be friendship in such setting

Yes but within limits.  Over the course of 18 months, I spent 6 weeks with a provider in one week blocks.  The woman had a side business in clothing design and was intelligent.  She would move into my hotel for a week and we would spend time in restaurants, night clubs and just hanging out at the pool.  I came to know her pretty well and I think, likewise.  This all occurred in a foreign venue, which provided the needed freedom to operate.  

Now, one year later, we continue to talk and email and we are both pretty open to events in our lives.  I trust her, and vice versa, so their is an element of friendship.  There is also a distance, not directly related to my views of her activities with others - there has never been any jealousy on my part and I accept her time demands as being no diferrent from those of any service provider in another domain.  No, the distance - which is mutual -  comes from both of us holding back something from the other.  In my case, I don't want a permanent relationship with her and in her case, I sense that she has been burned in the past by too much emotional involvement.

So, net-net, this is someone I can talk to about personal matters, have fun with, and for whom I respect.  Is it friendship?  It probably is no different from some of the non-pro relationships I have in my life.  However, there is always the background of payment for (great) services, and this probably imposes subtle limits.  Having said this, our lengthy relationship has led to an absolute wildness on the sex side, where we do things that would not occur with short time providers.

I would suggest you think about what you are seeking from this friendship and what drives the value you see in it.

In my experience, what I took for friendship with a provider was really just the thrill of being with a beautiful woman. Sure, it was pleasant, but it wasn't really a friendship I would have ever, ever entertained if this person hadn't been someone I desired. It was hard to see it at the time, though. And I'm not demeaning her--it was simply a shallow relationship, on both ends and I'm probably 90% responsible for it being one-dimensional.

I found it to be an amazing ego boost to imagine that I was being viewed as 'special' by someone who I perceived to be so desirous and most likely chased by tons of men. Turns out that was an illusion as well.

Unless you have infinite amounts of free time or are very good at compartmentalizing things in your life, I'd think about where you're investing your time and efforts at friendship. I personally found, looking back, that I wasted a lot of time investing in a friendship that ultimately had zero value.

EvenManlyMenWearCologne
"I've got no relationship currently to worry about but no girl that pretty would look twice at me)"
 
I know a absolutely beautiful civvy lady who told me she would never date a overly handsome man,and she was more attracted to those on the Dog side of beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Ruf Ruf

Thank you for the input.