Dear Love Goddess and other advice givers,

First up I am using an alias, because if I would use my regular nickname it would be obvious about who I am talking about not only to her but also to some members of this board and I honestly don’t feel like putting her or me through an outing here.

I have seen a beautiful amazing lady several times over the last couple of months and each time it was amazing. It quickly went from an hour to several hours and eventual to overnight. I feel like we connected, we like the same things (books, movies, activities, etc.), and the conversations were special.

And then I broke the number one rule of hobbying (at least in my mind): Do not fall in love with a lady.

And yes I know what you think, how do I know and how stupid am I. Let me just say I could probably list a million reasons why I know I am in love. From the situation that she is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I fall asleep to the fact that just being with her was (past tense, explanation below) much more important than the other thing. But overall it is just that special feeling that makes you all fuzzy and warm, just thinking about her.

And yes my head knows that this is stupid, this is not going anywhere and it is completely wrong. But tell that to my heart. And it has nothing to do with the whole “I want to save her –Thing”, I know that she is very happy in her line of work and does not need saving in any way.

Either way this situation has become a problem, as my work is starting to slip. Like today I caught myself just staring at my computer screen for 15 minutes thinking about what she might be doing right now. And besides that I have trouble eating and sleeping. Also I am tired of running into things (doors, poles, cars, etc.), because I am daydreaming about her.

I am not seeking advice on how I can convince her to be my girlfriend. I am really seeking advice on how I can get over her, because I might be stupid for falling in love in the first place, but I am not that stupid to believe she would fall for me.

When I realized I was falling hard for her, I e-mailed her and explained that I could not see her anymore, because I had developed a major crush on her, I did not use the “l” word. In hindsight I don’t think that was the right thing to do, to put that on her, but sometimes I just tend to express my feelings a little too much. This happened about a month ago. So I stopped seeing, e-mailing and talking to her (that’s why I used past tense above). This I thought would be enough to get over her as time passes, but stupid me was a little naive there, because it actually has gotten worse since I stopped seeing her. I miss her like crazy.

What else can I do? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

P.S. Sorry about the long post.

Well there, lovesick puppy,

For a while I thought I'd read this very same posting at least twenty times before...and then I came to the heartening paragraph - "I am not seeking advice on how I can convince her to be my girlfriend. I am really seeking advice on how I can get over her, because I might be stupid for falling in love in the first place, but I am not that stupid to believe she would fall for me." That's new, fresh and shows some creativity among PFD (Provider Fusion Disorder) sufferers.

How to get over her? Well, if you haven't gotten over her in 6 months, I'd get some counseling and some antidepressants. Your brain should be out of serotonin as well by then. Until the half-year mark, however, you'll just have to be lovelorn on your own. A month is nothing; your dopamine pathways are in flux and until they stabilize, there's pretty much nothing you can do except suffer the withdrawals of not seeing her anymore. I guess that's the beauty of being young...or maybe young at heart? I can't imagine you're over 35 or coupled. If you are, then I'd get therapy right away - or a divorce. Something's up in your bonding department and you definitely need a checkup.

Wimmin' - they'll do it to ya, huh,
the Love Goddess

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, and familiarity breeds contempt; then maybe what you need is a lot of heaping doses of time with your love to get over it.

It would make an interesting experiment anyway, assuming you don't drive into a telephone pole first.

Rules are made to be broken.  You are not the first one to journey down this road.  I'm far down it myself.  

Ending it as abruptly as you seemed to do is probably why you are now missing her like crazy.  Best thing is to get back out there.  If you're married but it's not gonna help, get out there hobbying.  If you're single, start meeting civie women.  

The heart take a long time to mend.  But it will.

This technique will not fix the underlying situation, but you will regain control and feel better. I have used it to quit smoking and lose weight and --pertinent here-- to rid myself of a crippling obsession with a sexy, exciting, impossible lady with whom I was making love and who was torturing me. I began an affair with her as I was beginning a divorce and so was not only theoretically free, but also very vulnerable.  Our sex was great and she was stunning.  She continued to sleep with others and to stand me up and to lie to me.  I found myself for the first and only time in my life jealous --wildly jealous.  I saw her regularly at work.  I was miserable.
Here's what I did.  (NB: TO WORK, THIS MUST BE GRAPHIC.  SQUEAMISH READERS SHOULD SKIP THE DESCRIPTION.)
I would lie naked on my back and imagine her naked straddling me.  I could see the tint of her skin, her smile, her wild red hair.  I could smell her special smell.  She would smile at me and lean over toward me.  I could see her nipples and her flat belly.  I could feel her hot breath as she got close to kiss me.  I could feel her moving her body against me. And then, just as she got over my face....
She would vomit in my mouth.  I could smell it, taste it, feel some lumps (Oh GxD, lumps!) fall into my mouth. I would do this twice a day.  After a while, when ever I saw her, I would get physically nauseated. It really helped. Within a short time, I was back in control, felt better about myself, and was able to move on. Good luck

I have heard it works, but you must have pretty strong mental control.

Interesting account doc, but I was thinking there was going to be blood.  Vomit I can handle.  I have two cats, after all.  8o)

I might want to try the "waiting it out" method before going to the imaginary "just a pinch between yer cheek and gum".

Of course, you are both right (What a surprise, two bright well educated people --one a professional therapist-- getting things right, as usual.)  The technique is a kind of self hypnosis.  I have also taught self hypnosis using other kinds of imagery to people who can't sleep and have become hooked on sleep medication and to people with high blood pressure as an adjunct to medication as well as to others for many other uses including those mentioned above (Weight loss and smoking).  Clearly, the imagery has to be adapted to the user.  If vomit is not powerful enough, pick something else.  If vomit is so powerful it interferes with the ability to focus and provokes anxiety, choose something else.  It also doesn't work unless you want it to.  I had a friend who was very good at self hypnosis but could not use it to help quit smoking because he wasn't ready to quit smoking as his own introspection during hypnosis showed him. It is not a cure all, and it does not get to the root of a problem.  It is a powerful technique and will help in the current situation if he can do it.

What's the saying? Something like the cure is worse than the curse. Thanks Doc., I can see how your approach would work, but I prefer my nasty tasting medicine with a little sugar in it. The prescription of adding a few new ladies to the menu appeals more to me.

Regarding losing weight, my approach was different there as well. I had noticed how depressed some guys got after having survived a heart-attack, and having to overcome the shock of radically changing their diet. I thought to myself, why not avoid that shock and hopefully the heart-attack all together by slowly changing my tastes and diet that more closely resembled their's. It worked. Took me several years but I lost 40lbs. and have kept it off for over 6 years.

I guess we all have our own ways that work, some original, and some that we get from the suggestions of others.

Self hypnosis is no magic bullet, but it can give one the strength to succeed.  I too have lost weight in a gradual way and kept if off for decades but when it came to smoking, self hypnosis helped me go cold turkey in 1976 and I have had no relapse since.  Let's face it, when seized by an obsession --say with a certain woman with an inability even to focus on work-- seeing a few others doesn't free you for a while, maybe quite a painful and dangerous while.   Self hypnosis does not always rely on negative images,  One often uses these techniques in a positive way: sleeping or lowering BP involves very positive images.  After long training, one can go into alpha rhythm on demand and modify anxiety and various bodily reactions.  We can all agree that each one finds his/her way and that --above all-- we all wish our friend the very best.

-- Modified on 7/30/2008 5:37:33 PM

-- Modified on 7/30/2008 6:08:16 PM

-- Modified on 7/30/2008 6:48:05 PM

If your sadness is causing your work performance to suffer and you are having trouble sleeping and eating I would reccomend therapy. You may need to use prescription sleep medication for a short period of time depending on how severe your sleep problem is. If you do go in for therapy you need a non judgemental therapist who can be compassionate and also help you think more clearly about the situation. Then you will feel better. Your feelings of love are real but the context is impractical for a real relationship. You already realize this and that is a big step in the right direction.

Good Luck

Hey lovesickpuppy, I know how you feel, I think everybody had been through this one time at least.  It is hard but just think you did have some type of relationship with her, imagine if you felt this way about somebody you could never be with or never were.  Happens to me all the time.
From experience I would also say you are going through some depression.  Love Goddess says wait 6 months then if the same find therapy.  This can be great but if it is affecting your work performance and moves into affecting your life you need help now.  I have gone through relaxation therapy where I try to find something else good to think about ( mine is shooting free throws, playing baseball or fishing).
My next advice would be to exercise, it gets you moving which will help with sleep, gets you in shape and can improve your self-esteem.
Also getting involved with activitiers where you can be around other people give you a chance to maybe meet somebody else.
Talking about it can be a good thing even though telling people you hobby might be bad.  I had a provider help me talk through it when I had similar feelings toward a civie female.  
Feel normal, we all go through this and it is a difficult experience.  Years from now you will have forgotten all about her.  
Best of luck.

Gotta love that one, LG...

...perhaps the best cure for PFD is...go find another provider...and get your eyeballs screwed out.

By the way, kudos for making the decision to maintain YOUR boundaries.

Move on and keep on truckin'

BS

There are studies that show exercise is as effective as anti-depressant medication for mild depression. Another good thing is simple distraction to get your mind off of you negative thoughts. Engaging in fun activities is also a very practical helpful thing to do. Plus make sure you get enough sleep.

I appreciate all the advice from you all. I was worried that waiting it out might be my only option, but maybe some of the other ideas will help me to get over this situation quicker.

I also have possibly the chance to move for my job at least for a couple of months. I think putting all of this beautiful country between the two of us, and I am talking literally coast to coast, might help me, but then who knows.

I have one question concerning the self hypnosis. In the original post from Dr. Joe in his really nice depiction he states "After a while, when ever I saw her, I would get physically nauseated." Does that mean for it to really work I would actually have to see her to get the real reaction, because I wasn't planning on doing that.

Either way I guess I will be fine, just takes time I. Again thanks.

Oh and yes LG you are correct I am younger than 35 (at least for a couple more years) and I am single, which I actually believe has much to do with the fact that this happened to me, besides the fact that this lady is amazing and gorgeous.

Providers provide fantasies. Rule #1 and thats all of the rules that I need