LG,

Let me give a quick background, prior to the problem. I am in my mid to late 20's, 6'2 in decent shape, relatively attractive, wealthy through inheritance. I am currently working on my masters & see escorts occasionally out of convenience and laziness (to date & all that dating entails).

I began seeing this provider about two years ago & the sex was just amazing. She was about one year older than me & the exact type of girl I go for in dating. I began to see her about 2-3 times a month regularly. After about 5 months of this, I found myself getting overly attached & took a break from seeing her. After about 2 weeks went by & I had not contacted the provider, she contacted me. She asked why I was not calling her, or seeing her any longer. After I explained the situation to her, she understood & told me to call her when I was ready.

After about a month, I had started dating a civilian gal & things were going decently well. That month a Meet Greet of sorts was occurring & I was invited, and decided to attend. The provider that I had stopped seeing was at this M&G and came to talk to me. We spent the majority of the time talking & she asked me to take her to get something to eat. Not thinking much of it I obliged, and after eating we ended up at her home. This was the first time I had been to her place, as all of our sessions had been at her incall. The following morning I wasn't sure if I should leave a donation or if this was just 'friends with benefits'. Rather than risking any problems, I simply left the normal donation on her night stand & left. The next day I get a call from her thanking me for the previous night & that it was unnecessary for me to leave the donation. I tell her it was my pleasure & was no problem at all.

Fast forward 3 months & I have begun seeing the provider again on a fairly regular basis. Usually when I call to schedule she would ask me to be her late night appointment, or last appointment & ask me to take her out (off the clock). What was occurring was I would pay for usually 2hrs & would end up spending the night (at her request). This ended up lasting about 3 more months & at this point we'd been seeing each other for year and change. At around Thanksgiving time I had broken up with the civi that I was dating & she was made aware of this. She asked me to spend Thanksgiving with her & her friends/family. We spent that weekend together & it was amazing. She introduced me to everyone as her boyfriend & even had me meet her mother & father.

After Thanksgiving holidays, she didn't contact me, nor me her for almost 3 weeks. At this point, I just wanted to make sure she was alright & thank her again (I did send her flowers & a thank you for the invite). When I contacted her, she was quite upset & asked if I would be having a 'session' (she said that word) with her. I was obliged & semi-obligated I felt. Nevertheless I visited her, had a session & left after 3-4hrs. Later that week I got a call from her, asking if she could spend Christmas with me. I had no plans, except to spend time with my family on Christmas Eve/Day. I told her that I planned to do this & she said no problem. So 23rd night she comes by with a small bag & then invites herself to my family (even though we had discussed this) for Christmas Eve. I not wanting to have a huge fight or scene, tell her she can come (after she is already sitting in my car, before me). So we spend a couple of days with my family & things go amazingly well. Folks love her, brothers find her funny, friends like her, etc.  She heads home when we get back to my place & she says she wants to spend New Years with me & has a surprise. The surprise turns out to be her doubles partner, and my New Years was rung in with a party (real) and a party (metaphor) lol, later that night.

After the Holidays she starts calling me fairly regularly about her problems, life, etc. She calls me over whenever she’s 'in the mood' and we basically become friends with benefits. When I tried a few times to leave 'donations' she’s straight refused them, or snuck them back into my pockets. After about 6 months of this, were out at dinner & she tells me... "I think I'm falling for you". At this point I am a little taken back, as she is still a provider & I had been seeing civis & other providers at that same time. We discussed things a bit & decided it was best to let things cool down. After that we went from seeing each other 3-4 times a week to twice in two months. That twice in two months is sort of the start of the problem. As we were both in the same age bracket & had similar hobbies (real), we'd occasionally run into each other. Each time this happened, we'd end up sleeping together. This of course further complicated situations between us.

Between Summer 06 & Fall of 06 we saw each other a total of 3 times. Two of which were by accident & one at a mutual friends party (non-hobby). Each time we met, she would tell me that she can't stop thinking about me & that she wanted me back in her life.

In September of 06 she called me to get some stuff she had left at my home back & when we met for coffee (to give stuff back) she told me she was dating someone. This sounded great to me, as it meant she was over me. After this, we started simply emailing each other from time to time.

My company sent me on a long-term business trip (3 months) & I returned back to the USA in late December 06. During this whole time, she & I had been emailing each other. We had spoken on the phone no more than twice & one of which was for my birthday. When I got back my friends had thrown a party for me & as some of them had met 'her', she was there. When I saw her first she hadn't noticed me & was almost sad. She had a couple of bruises on her thigh & arm that I could see were covered up with makeup. When she came to give me a hug, she lit up. Her BF almost pulled her back & gave me a handshake with stair down like a big f'off buddy.

The next night she calls me & tells me that her BF beat her because of the party/me & had been doing it regularly. The following morning (at her request, she said she wanted help) I picked her up & got a U-Haul & went to her place with 2 friends. We helped her move & she showed up as we were finishing & my friends made sure he didn't come in. She stayed in a hotel for a few nights, but found that to be disturbing & asked to stay with me. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea & called her old doubles partner (by the retired) and told her of her predicament. She was more than happy/willing to take her in. I did end up spending new years with her, as she had asked me a few times.

(I wrote quite a bit, so rest is continued in next post)

Come forward about 3-4 weeks & she buys her own place. She is pretty strong emotionally again & asks me to dinner as a thank you. (We didn't sleep together on New Years; we hadn't at this point in almost 5-6 months). She asks me to come back to her place & I foolishly oblige (blame the smaller head). Anyway, about two weeks pass & I take her out for V-Day (07) where I give her a present (white gold chain w/diamond pendant). The following morning, as were eating breakfast ... out of nowhere she tells me "I love you; I've always loved you & want to be with you".

I basically ramble, throw food in my mouth (snickers commercial, needed a minute lol), say I have to get to work & quickly leave. After that, I called her & basically said that I did care for her, but, just didn't feel the same way & probably never would. I had thought about it in the past & the fact that she’s a provider didn't bother me as friends with benefits, or even casual hanging out. But for someone I was 'in love' with, I just couldn't see myself with them if they were sleeping with someone else (for money or casually). After this, her and I didn't speak for a few days & I end up running into her three times the next week. Since the day after V-Day I have not on purpose ran into her, but have wound up seeing her almost 9 times. She continues to email me daily & phone me. After the 5th or so time of running into her, I stop her & talk with her. I basically tell her that this is getting out of hand & it needs to stop. She tells me that she doesn't need me to love her, just for us to go back to the way things were.

Ok LG, hers the question (sorry about the long story). If I want to cut this girl out of my life entirely, I would at this point need to get new friends, new hobbies, and stop going to any of the old places I used to. At the same time, I do care for her (just don't love her), we had an amazing time every time were together & of course the sex is fucking amazing. When she asked me if the hobby/industry was the reason I felt I couldn't ever 'fall in love' with her, I gave her the reason I wrote above. She said that she loved me & loved her job, and didn't understand why she couldn't have them both. She said she'd rather have me in her life as social friend/friends with benefits than not at all.

Is it right for me to continue to see her, with me knowing that I will never love her? If I should stop seeing her entirely, how do I do this without loosing alot of friends & radically having to change my life?

Thanks,
Lost Soldier

Thank you for being so thorough, Lost Soldier,

You are asking: "Is it right for me to continue to see her, with me knowing that I will never love her? If I should stop seeing her entirely, how do I do this without losing alot of friends & radically having to change my life?"

My question, and forgive the obsession with semantics, but that's all I've got to go on since you're not sitting in front of me - what does it mean to be "right for [you] to continue seeing her?"

If it's a moral issue, I can't make any recommendation. Your morals are between you and your maker. It seems that she wants you in her life in one way, and you don't. Is it right for you to oblige someone out of chivalry, sense of duty, fear of confrontation, repercussions, etc?

Now, I believe that you can "cut this girl out of [your] life entirely" without going through the pain of getting new friends, hobbies, etc. It is very common that couples who break up remain in the same social circles. You just have to be a little creative and try to inquire beforehand as to when you're attending an event or hanging out with your buddies. Of course, if she is ALWAYS there when you are, then I'm wondering about a potentially obsessive aspect of her behavior.

I believe that the best policy in this case is bareboned honesty. You will need to have a conversation with her [not at the top of your list, perhaps, but necessary in this case,] during which you absolutely, under no uncertain terms, communicate your thoughts and feelings re the above.

This type of conversation requires an absence of anxiety, a well-formulated enquiry as to what SHE feels you should do, and, if you don't get an answer - a declaration from you as to what your intentions are for the future, in terms of setting boundaries in social situations.

Also, if you want this to work, you will need to enlist the help of a few trusted friends who can understand the situation. You don't need to go into the whole provider-client history. The world is full of relationships that go sour one way or another, and true friends who understand this simple fact are willing to help in these matters.  

If you are not able to do this, it could mean that your emotions are still in flux regarding this woman. With this, I do not mean that you are still in love with her, or wish to bond with her, but that you are suffering some sort of guilt for not being able to reciprocate her feelings and intentions toward you.

You know, Lost Soldier, with the risk of sounding prosaic, I feel that your story is not that unusual or strange. The only variable in this configuration is her unusual profession. Otherwise, I personally must have known over 100 couples in my lifetime who went through these comings and goings...and yep, me too! Heck, every nighttime dramedy on television is addicting viewers to stories like these...not to mention daytime drama, which probably would take your turn of events and spin it into at least five episodes.

I don't know much else about your life situation, but it somehow sounds very age appropriate from a young urban adult developmental trajectory. You had a relationship, for one reason or another [this one revolved around her job,] it didn't work out, and now the girl can't get over you. I suspect you will be out there for a few years more, tending to your career, going through a few more relationships perhaps, before you settle down with someone who you will find appropriate in most aspects.

Again, your biggest challenge will not be losing friends or "radically having to change [your] life." Your biggest challenge and learning experience in this case will be to learn how to set boundaries; take responsibility for communicating them to the intended listener; sitting with the anxiety and emotional trauma of possibly being berated, shot down, emotionally manipulated [maybe by tears, threats, entreaties, who knows] and staying your course. This means no taking phone calls, no discussions over email, definitely checking with friends for potential run-in situations, and watching out for semi-stalking and obsessions. Thing is, she has stated her intent to continue providing. Since this is not acceptable to you in terms of having a relationship, you need to make it absolutely clear...to yourself, perhaps even more than to her.

Go to your battle station and begin. I know you can do it, my friend,
the Love Goddess

Do you not love her, or do you just hope that you do not love her?

What an ironic disaster it will be if you find out afterwards it's the later and not the former.

Give this some thought before you cut the ties.

Love is rare, and when you find it, you don't always recognize it.

Thank you for taking the time to express this story in such detail.  I often cringe at long posts but you never wasted a single detail.

Just wanted to wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide to do... and if you feel comfortable, let us know how it turns out as I've read lots of these "love and the hobby" postings but never any resolutions.

This isn't something that is turning into a "stalking" situation is it?  It seemed like you were "running into" each other a lot.  Is that coincidence or perhaps orchestrated by your "girlfriend."

I have to agree with LoveGoddess, you can't have a one sided or a shared love.  They just don't work.

I'm in a LTR with another provider. Our relationship works because we both date so we don't have jealousy issues.  But it seems to me a successful relationship where one party is monogamous and the other is working would be hard for most people (guys especially) to maintain.

While most providers separate business and pleasure and can be friends without "falling in love," what has gotten you into trouble is the mixing of the two.

You sound like a good man (and obviously care to take such effort to seek a positive solution) and it is apparent she recognised it in you.

It really sounds like a she "wants her cake and eat it to" situation.  She like many of us may enjoy having sex with new people but she wants a stable relationship, someone to "love" also.

It sounds like you feel trapped, and that's never going to work in a relationship.  Unless you stay doing what you are doing I agree with LG, you have to cut it and hope she doens't get a fatal attraction.

Luck honey,
TS Jamie

-- Modified on 3/9/2007 1:22:09 PM

If you've made it clear to her you do not love her and can't sustain a relationship if she continues as a provider, there's no deception.
BUT, if you have reached a point where you avoid her at social gatherings but welcome continued trysting, there's something basically wrong and I would think she would soon find that unacceptable, but maybe not.  
But she sounds a bit possessive (inviting herself to your holiday/family gathering, etc) and that will be trouble.  Hope you both can emerge from this without any lasting damage.  Good Luck.      

I agree with LG, but also with him.

This could be a 'Eugene Onegin' situation [opera where a man spurns his mistress in the first act, but then realizes, too late in the third act, after she marries someone else, that he really admires
and loves her].

On the other hand, you may have been turned off by her extreme character weakness, shown by her letting herself be beaten up.

A provider could, in theory, make a superb, caring marriage partner, particularly (but maybe not even necessarily) if she retires.

Your real question is: do you want to pursue this provider for your real life partner, or not?

Only *you*, not LG nor Mr. Fisher nor I, know your answer.

But you do.

Thanks for sharing this. Hope our thoughts are helpful.

From the perspective of someone who's had LT relationships with providers and been married a few times, I think you need to recognize that both you and this provider have neediness that is not necessarily in your best interests.  It appears from your narrative that you find it difficult to say no to her; you repeatedly find yourself spending time with her, staying over, caving into her requests to be with you.  You're correct to be fearful of running in the same social circles --indeed, you may find it difficult to not end up going home with her -- or bringing her home -- after a social event.  

This isn't a fatal flaw - lots of people, including myself, have it.  Our desire to please people, and to avoid criticism, may overwhelm our best interests.  You need to be aware of this and to understand that you have to put your best interests ahead of your desire to avoid criticism.  

I think that changing your social circles simply to avoid her is missing the point -- it's a bit like the alcoholic who says if he switches from gin to vodka, he won't drink excessively.  The issue is your neediness - if you deal with that, and learn to say no, then you won't have to change social circles.  

You're both adults.  Buck up and take responsibility.

I mean...how do I say this?  Obviously, she's in love with you.  But, you're not in love with her.  But, you do care about her.  This is obvious because of the concern you showed her by getting her out of an abusive relationship.  And, due to the lengthy history, you two are friends.  Do you deny that you love her?  I mostly see UTR providers.  Lately, I find myself having feelings for my current provider.  She doesn't like what she does and only does it to get through school and because she has a kid.  But, when she sees me, she brings it GFE-style.  I might even have to start seeing someone else because I don't want any feelings for anyone right now.  My advice is to either go back to the FWB arrangement (damn, why can't I get one like that with a pro?) or hobby like there's no tomorrow with every 9 & 10 on TER.  I recommend the latter.  You'll be cured in no time.

You have surrendered control of your emotions to her.

She doesn't even want to control your emotions and doesn't know you have surrendered it.

You have lost power over you own emotions. Thus you have been hurt and blame her.

To regain your power, you must genuinely forgive her. Forgiveness must be in your heart and mind and she doesn't need to know.

Once you truly and genuinely forgive her, your path will be clear.

CogDis

On edit: Grammar

-- Modified on 3/12/2007 7:23:43 PM

It sounds as if you ARE in love with her but unable to accept her as she is - which is the real dilema you must deal with.  Ask yourself if you would want someone to continually trying to change YOU - I think not - if you really do love her, accept her for who she is, not who you want her to be or move along.

Sounds to me like you love her, but just won't let yourself acknowledge it because she is a provider. Sounds like she is a great person. Search your soul and find a way to get past the block you have with her profession. Only then will you be able to see if you should continue your relationship.