I'm happily married and I do love my wife. She's beautiful and everything to me. The problem is probably after my son was born 4 years ago many things have changed and one of which is my sex drive for her has been reduced so much. We can go a month without it and no complaint from her whatsoever. But I recently started to see these young providers and wow I found my libido back in full. I could pop three times in 90 min and still I could have a hard-on. Am I just a bad guy here? If it is bad, how can I change? How can I delicately tell my issue to my wife?

Stanley

I don't want to get into a whole Kantian ethics thing here (Thought I could, I have the piece of paper to prove it too.), the fact remains that it is up to you to define what is good and what is bad and then show the gumption to show what kind of person you are to yourself. (The only person who really matters here, by the way.)

I struggled with these questions myself about 25 years ago when I was in the stage you are in right now.

I made a decision and haven't looked back since.

So make a decision and don't worry because what ever decision you do make, it will be the right one for you.

Now sticking by the decision; that's where things get interesting.

Dear stanleybos,

We have had multiple threads on this issue. No, you are not "a bad guy," but you are A GUY and that is what makes all the difference if you compare your sex drive to a woman's need for sexual release.

As for changing - how are you supposed to "change" your sex drive? And why, really? Sex is good for your health; one ejaculation a day keeps prostate cancer away (controlling for other factors such as diet, drugs and alcohol or smoking, of course.)

Now, your wife may never regain her sex drive WITH YOU. That's another pesky sequela of evolutionary psychology. She's already mated with you once - it may be that she needs another man altogether to rev up her engine so that she (hypothetically of course) can make another baby.

The issue is that humans were not intended to be monogamous and here we are, trying to stay "faithful" to the same partner year in and year out. Women have an easier go of it, simply because their testosterone levels are 1/20th of a man's androgens. So it becomes a conscious and concerted effort, with varying results.

I don't think there's any way to be "delicate" about this. I think you need to be respectful but forthright in declaring your need for sex. And then give her the opportunity to contribute with a solution to the problem. A good and in-depth dialogue about the issue is a start. The problem is that many people are incapable of discussing sexual issues with their partner, thanks to being fed a steady diet of unrealistic, romanticized media images of what "a happy marital sex life" should be. No, it's not easy - it's hard work, brutal honesty and a lot of compromising and negotiating. And most people don't want to do it. The women would rather forget about sex altogether and the men would rather shut up and get their nookie somewhere else.

If it becomes difficult for you, then seek help from a sex therapist and get in there all three of you and begin negotiating. It's no different than dealing with contracts or other agreements. Obviously, this is all if you feel that it's worth having sex with your wife and going through some trials and tribulations to get some. If it's not, then I'm afraid you're stuck with the same kinds of rationalizations, inauthenticity and existential "bad faith" that feed extramarital relations, be they paid or at no charge.

Start the Strategic Sex Negotiation Talks (SSNT),
The Love Goddess

Your wife can't be that old, since she's still of child-bearing age.  But you talk about young providers getting your libido back, which makes me wonder, has you wife's appearance changed significantly after giving birth?

I went through this after my son was born.  Love is one thing, but we're not talking about love here, we're talking about wanting to have sex with your wife.  My sexual attraction is largely tied to female visual cues- the visual cues we associate with youth and fertility.   These appearance cues were greatly altered after my wife gave birth.  I didn't feel any differently about her, but I did feel a lot differently about wanting to have sex with her.  Prior to that, we'd had a satisfying sex life.

It's unfair, I know, but that's the way my brain works and most other men also.  There's a good evolutionary reason for it- we all seek young, healthy females capable of having our offspring.  Nature has seen fit to alter a woman's appearance over time in direct proportion to her ability to produce those offspring.  It's a very effective system.  As a woman ages and her fertility wanes, changes in her appearance send men a very clear signal as to the time left on her fertility clock.  The very definition of female beauty is tied to the appearance factors, and women spend billions of dollars to buy a little extra time, so it's not sexist of me to suggest that.

Getting back to the subject, if it is an appearance thing, such as extra fat, loose skin or stretch marks that is turning you off, that situation probably won't improve much, and your desire to have sex with your wife will continue to suffer.  Especially, if she has no strong desire to have sex either.

If this scenario fits your situation, you really don't have many choices.  You either remain married and practically celibate for the rest of your life, or you look outside to women you find sexually attractive.  If you choose the later, I don't think you have to feel guilty about the rationalization.  You want sex, your wife doesn't- or you don't want to have sex with her anymore than she wants to have sex with you.

If seeing providers allows you to keep the family unit intact and raise your son in a stable environment, then I think it is by far the lesser of the evils.  I say this as someone who was in the same situation but got divorced instead.  The fallout from that decision was far greater for everyone involved, including my young son, than discrete visitations with providers would have been.  

Feeling guilty about wanting sex is about as pointless as feeling guilty about needing to breath.  Your wife has actually made the decision for you by not wanting to have sex.  Just be discrete and make sure that you don't hurt the family, either emotionally or financially, by seeing escorts.

-- Modified on 4/25/2010 8:57:29 PM

I feel the same way.  Found this 'hobby' after my wife got pregnant.  To be honest it's not a visual thing because my wife is better looking than most providers I've met.  I've rationalized my behavior in the same way that G2 describes.  But my problem now is to try and limit my hobbying because it's taking up too much of my time and I'm prone to compulsive behavior.

TheLoveGoddess,

I do appreciate your thoughtful comments. (including  mrfisher and G2) You're right, we haven't talked about it and we need to talk. But the problem is I think it is so brutally unfair to my wife if I say this:

"I feel like you're a mom of my son but I love you forever and you're beautiful as before. So I just checked myself and found my sex drive is all right...with lesser attractive ladies."

Can I do that? Never.

Stanley

Dear Stanley,

It seems I have not made myself understood.  You should address your lack of desire for her, not your experiences wjth other women. Discussing something in depth doesn't mean hurting someone with excruciating details; in addition, you should be doing some serious listening, not just talking.

Again, if you are incapable of having discussions about your sex drive with your wife, how can you have an honest marriage with her? You are doomed to lead a life of inauthenticity and bad faith. Get some help from a qualified sex therapist and give your wife an opportunity to redress the situation.

Good luck,
The Love Goddess

at best.  He definitely didn't want to have sex with her, but he's a little vague about her actual level of interest, other than stating she doesn't mind if they go without sex for a month.

Either way, there appears to be a major breakdown in the physical side of the marriage, and in my experience, that tends to be a precursor of more serious problems in the future.

I know where Stan is coming from.
4 Years ago I became impotent, prosate was hurting. Wife contantly bitching. accusinng me of being obsessed with sex
(thrice in the final year I might add).
Then with much fear and trepidation, made the decision to see an escort for the first time. Now I'm fitter than ever and certainly not impotent.
Prostate O' I'd forgotten that, no trouble.
Constantly learning the art of love has worked wonders. Wife very happy now too, as she no longer feels I need sex now and again.

I do think it can be the lesser evil. My wife is in her late twenties and is very good looking even after giving birth, so I obviously want to have sex with her. But even at her age she wants sex less and less, and it got worse after she gave birth. She can go months without and be perfectly content, and she has also been getting more and more sexually conservative. If it's not in the bed with the lights out, right before we go to sleep, it's not happening. Quite a contrast to the days where we'd do it outside, in the bathroom of someone else's house, blowjobs in the car, etc. Everybody always said sex was supposed to get better as you got older and more comfortable with each other!

I got extremely sexually frustrated to the point where I was constantly thinking about divorce. Hobbying was a last resort. I've found that seeing providers has helped tremendously. Most everything else about my marriage is fine, and I really want to keep things intact for the sake of our son and any future kids. I know what I'm doing is bad, yet I don't really feel any guilt. I made a decision and moved forward. When my wife's libido matched mine I didn't even think about straying, but I started thinking that I'm going to spend another 50+ years with this woman and I just couldn't imagine wasting my prime years on a sexless marriage. Hobbying takes care of my physical needs, and I no longer want to give up everything I have at home.

As for how you can change your own sex drive for her, that's a different question altogether. If she still had some sex drive left I would say try to spice it up a bit, but it sounds like she's like my wife and doesn't need it much anymore, so I don't know the answer to that.

Stan,
What LG said.  NEVER even hint of an outside sxual interest.  That'll instantly blow up in your face.  Now get in the shower, think of her at her sexiest & use your hands to be sure everything works.  
Way too many women have what I believe is hormonal issues...  they use sex to get a guy or to get a baby...  then the hormones swing the other way & desire drops to ZERO.  
You have a normal healthy sex drive...  I don't have an answer but I'm on the same street.  In my opinion it IS preferable to get your sex at home...  If you can not have the conversation without help, then I agree outside counciling would be a good idea.  
It may never go back to first love status but with some luck, maybe you could get some regularity to it.

Even so, that's really too bad she's only in her late 20's and already losing interest in sex.  I don't blame you for not wanting to let your best sex years slip away.

manypoppins,
I definitely know what you're going through. I've been married to my wife for 12 years. She knock out gorgeous that other guys drool over.  We have 3 kids and she's never been sexually active until we got married (yes, she was a virgin when we got married...I know that's rare in today's society) and it seems like she just completely lost her labido, any affection towards me, etc.  We still love each other, but our sex is basically her lying there like a corpse while I grind it out.  She doesn't want to try different things, spur of the moment type sex, etc.  I'm thinking about the hobbyist route, but not sure if I can pull the trigger.  How's it going with you?

I got to the point where I had gone for several months without sex, and I was tired of having to beg and still not getting anything. I was at my lowest at that point and it was extremely easy to pull the trigger. I made an appointment, not knowing if I was going to be able to go through with it, but I did and had no regrets.

Every now and then my wife will initiate sex (I've stopped begging), but it's not often. She's not interested in trying new things, even things we used to do all the time when we were first married. She'll go through the motions but I can tell she's not really into it. Her sex drive has just totally tanked.

I still love her, and I know she loves me, but I'm still young and can't live a sexless life. Escorts gives me what I can't get at home, and I'm a lot more patient with my wife in all areas than I was when I was constantly sexually frustrated.