LG,

As of late I have been struggling with the reasons why I entered this world.  I do not frequent this site much and am certainly not attuned to all the inner workings of
this industry.  I will attempt to give as much info as I can about my situation.  Almost 2 years ago I lost a sibling in an accident, I was present and it was a bad scene.  We were extremely close.  I pretty much detached from the world for a while and pushed everyone away.  I was married and did not feel I received the emotional support that I needed.  Long story short, my wife and sibling did not get along well at all.  I became resentful of my wife and suppose was looking for some sort of escape from what had become a daily nightmare that I was living day after day.  I felt doing something like this would be the most benign way to just get away from it all without getting emotionally involved.  I just wanted to be someone else.  I am not here to judge anyone, but at the time, I knew what I was going to do was out character for me and wrong.

I am 34 years old and have not been intimate with my wife(soon to be ex) in almost 2
years.  By all accounts I have been extremely fortunate in life and have a very successful career.

I met one woman who traveled to the area every few months and had been exclusively seeing her, with the exception of one other time where I saw 2 ladies at once (longer story).  We spent a lot of time together while she was here, not hours, but several days at a time, and yes there was compensation.  I felt that we were compatible to the point of it being a little scary at times.  On the superficial side we are both attractive, similar in age, extremely fit and take pride in how we look.  We also always had great talks and enjoyed doing the same types of things.  We became close.

We had several communications between visits and I definitely started to have some feelings.  Not so much love (wrong place to look for this I know), but rather one of deep like and affection and most frightening to me, one of dependency.  This came to light after one visit where I did not hear from her for a little while and now find myself in a similar situation.

After the first time I knew I cared way too much and tried to numb myself a bit to this fact by seeing 2 people at once, didn’t work. (hence the longer story.)

The first time I mailed a few messages expressing concern, however this time I am backing off.  I know that she is not due to ever come back however had stated previously she would come back to see me (I did not asked for this yet) and that we would remain friends.  It’s been almost 3 months since I’ve heard from her and I did send a note about a month and a half back just letting her know she was in my thoughts.

We know each others real names and I would never try and “track her down”.  At this point I figure if she wants to reach out she knows how to get in touch.

I suppose the more time that goes by when I don’t hear anything the more I realize that I still care way more than I should or is healthy.  I told her this after the first incident.  I certainly had the foresight to know that it would end badly for me.  

I do not expect anything from her that she is not ready or willing to give freely, and I really just want to know that she is happy and doing well.  It hurts a bit not hearing from her and I am confused.  Thinking about the possibility of not ever hearing from her again or having her as some part of my life is roughing me up a bit.  

I chose to open up to her but was always careful not to be overly invasive about asking her more than she was willing to tell so I never outright asked her how she really felt about me, but she has stated that I was her favorite person to be with in all this.

How can I best deal with the situation and more importantly my feelings?

Also, has there been any meaningful research done on the correlation of personal loss and
men/women entering this fantasy world?

Thanks for your help.

Dear get_shorty,

First of all, my condolences on losing your sibling. I hope you are in therapy or otherwise doing some grief work, because your emotions may be impacted for a long while. Secondly, these very emotions may be interfering in your relations with women. With this, I mean that the loss of your sibling - and the impending loss of the relationship with your soon-to-be ex-wife may have thrown you into an emotional panic, unconsciously trying to avoid further loss at any cost.

One thing to realize is that whenever you consort with professional sex workers, the chances of such a person abandoning her profession to enter into a conventional, non-paying relationship with you are rather slim. The reasons for this are self-evident - the provider is not there to love you, she is there to provide a sexual service. The fact that she is so good at what she does, coupled with your vulnerability at this time, are certainly contributing factors.

It does seem clear that you understand the mechanics of the above and that you have no illusions of you and her becoming an off-the-clock item. What can you do? Enter into a psychotherapeutic relationship with a skilled professional who can help you deal with your feelings. It's not a cure-all, but someone enduring multiple losses, it can be a roadmap to recovery, at the very least.

Your last question - no, there is not any such research, to my knowledge. We are dealing with an illegal profession/transaction, which means that your demographic sample, research methods, funding etc. are going to be difficult to secure.

Please begin psychotherapy as soon as possible,
the Love Goddess

Shorty,,,,just wanted to say,very sorry to hear of your loss.I know how much i love my brother and sisters,,,,and how much it would hurt to lose them.Wish you all the best in the future.

I was feeling rather badly about myself and my situation at the time of my split with my ex.

I had been hobbying for a while, but only seeing a limited number of providers whom I had known for many years.

I found that seeing a stream of new providers provided a distraction and made me feel better about myself.  Perhaps this strategy could work for you as you battle two emotional scars, your brother's death and your divorce.

Best of luck to you and thank you for this very revealing look at yourself.

I'd rather PM this, but for obvious reasons you don't divulge contact info. I just wanted to say how impressed I am with the way you handle this forum. I guess, since you are a professional, it goes without saying. But as I've watched your advice over time, I am more and more impressed with the way you are able to tailor a response to the situation. I don't think the TER community has any right to expect such a high level of competence on this board. You really are great.

Cheers!

and you're right, I don't do PM's, mostly in the name of fairness, openness and limited amount of time to devote to my volunteerism. But clients can always book therapy sessions with me here in Los Angeles - the contact info is located in a banner ad on the LA board page.

My way of serving Aphrodite,
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 1/12/2009 7:30:42 AM

in this business there are many Gentlemen we see who we are very comfortable with over time. Its the odds of this business  we are going to run into people we have many things in common with and seeing as she is good at what she does, thats also part of her job. To somewhat have a personality that is easily adjusted to compliment that of our at the moment partner, so be it an hour a day or a week.  Its all part of our persona.

Nicole – don't you think it's a little unusual, that, if I read this post correctly, this provider spent two or three days with this guy at a clip on a visit to town? Maybe I'm just jealous but that's not a very common escort model is it? To me, that's violating a boundary unless you know the person extremely well. I don't think it's the kind of thing a traveling provider does when she hits a town. So maybe this provider got a little greedy and took this guy's money then realized an attachment was building. But no wonder, if you spend two or three solid days with a guy in his 30s what is going to happen? Doesn't seem like safe play.

unsafe in what manner?
In the case that it was not clear in his own mind that this is an experience, it can be very rewarding in many ways. It can blossom into great friendships with deep closeness but its exactly that and not more than that.

I can't fault her, she has an oppertunity to spend time with a man who she agrees with emotionally and providing she checked references, hes safe. For the right $$ shes not losing any financial benefits of a trip and so on. No others to verify, or worry about LE or cancelations, and a number of other issues that can come up. This is whats known as a great client if all goes well. Everyone is comfortable and the time is generally easy providing the two people are relatively compatable, it can be a very rewarding friendship as well as fun. This is a Private Companion situation. I am sure for the most part the lines got blurred on his side but most likely not on hers. In the end...this is a business.

I have a client who I have an arranged financial agreement with. It has been this way for 5yrs now. I know what each month I have coming to me from this man. Now 5yrs later, we are very close friends and maybe more than friends, but this line is not to be blurred. We both know this. There is equal respect for one another and for our lives seperate from us. I can seee how this can get confusing and if so, you need to step away and wait for the fog to clear. It can get complicated and require a great deal of trust and honesty between the two involved, as well as communication.

post traumatic stress syndrome.   Witnessing such an awful event brings many emotions into play and they must be addressed with professional help.     I've been through it.

Please get help

CG

I have been blessed to love and care for many people in my life time.  Not claiming to be ‘in love’ but loved parts or all of a person’s character.  I also found that these people typically crossed my path when I needed them most.  They were there for me, helped me through my life’s events and then sadly they continued to pass through.  I call those friends the stepping stones of life.  Simply because they do not remain with me for an eternity does not mean they didn’t care or love as deeply.  It means that they contributed to my life to the best of their ability.  I count those as blessings and move forward.  I know that the only thing in life that is guaranteed is change.  We resist change by nature but once we decide that we can’t let it beat us up is when we see the rewards of our acceptance.  Simply sharing this experience is a sure sign that you are on your way to acceptance.  You have reached out and you are listening.  Sooner or later someone will say the right words and you will get over this hump.  You don’t have to forget the experience (how could you?) but you will move forward.  You are doing this now.  Congratulations.

are undoubtedly varied, but I would certainly expect filling a void to be high up there... whether it be a loss like yours, a void of intimacy, or a void in the joy of just accepting and being ourselves... alone or with someone... that many of us suffer due to various issues.

For better or worse, I've had very close or beyond the bounds relationships with more than one provider and I hope I can help you there with my experience.

I can tell you that in retrospect, I would not trade any of these experiences or take them back... they enriched my life ultimately though there was pain.

One situation was very similar to what you are describing.  She came to my town just to see me on more than one occasion, but I always booked a minimum of a 6 hr dinner date so it was always profitable for her.  We travelled together and did longer dates too.... all on the clock.  She allowed a full 'in love' relationship when together but was careful of the boundaries when apart.  Her philosophy which was sound on boundaries was 'why would I turn a wonderful loving client relationship into a freebie that would only self destruct?'

We shared deeply about our families, kids, knew each other's real info, saw each other whenever I was in her town, she in mine and in travel elsewhere.  Probably the nicest relationship I had in bounds... though it stretched the boundaries in closeness and intimacy while together.  

If you can handle that with this gal... which is essentially loving her completely... meaning with an open hand, fully respectful of her boundaries, and let her go without falling apart when the time comes... whether permanently or just between visits.... then she can be a great friend over time.  Of course the counselling that LG suggests must occur too.  

I have also severely crossed the boundaries two other times.... meaning a full affair off the clock and plans for a long term relationship.  The first one will probably always be the 'oe that got away'.  It crashed and burned after only three months.  

The other is ongoing, but has changed direction multiple times.  Started out on the clock, went off the clock, temporarily crashed and burned, now back on the clock though blurred in that there is prolonged periods of time (6-10 days a month in travel for about the price of an overnight).   I've had to roll with and respect her wishes and changing tides and adapt to changing rules from once being mutually in love to now being modified p4p fu** buddies that deeply care for each other, that probably do not have a future together.

Two others have remained good friends but no longer any sex- not seeing them as client, no off the clock sex.  We just talk, email, have lunch or dinner together, occasionally a platonic date.  A result of mutual liking and trust.

I must say though in conclusion.... crossing the boundaries that are there for a reason is not for the feint of heart!  And definitely not for the person who can't do it without total respect for the provider's wishes and often times changing desires there.

Are decided between the two people involved in the relationship. Yes, it may be a transaction but make no mistake, if you see a lady more than once it is a relationship in one form or another.  

The hardest thing for a woman in this business to find is a person that she can trust and be open and honest with.  Sometimes a client winds up being that person, or at least one of them.

I have been very fortunate for the last couple of years to be involved in a relationship with a lady that very much mirrors what Nicole has described in her post.  I can tell you that trust is the hardest thing to surrender for both parties. It is the one thing in a provider/client relationship that can not be bought with cash in an envelope.

-- Modified on 1/13/2009 6:11:16 AM

I agree and it is not for everyone or with every client. We do meet a great deal of gentlemen, and we are compatable in many different ways with many different men. Then there are those who we just click with. There is a line not to be crossed but there are also great partnerships on different levels that can be forged and develop out of all sorts of situations.  Being honest with yourself first and formost as to what you are looking for and what you have found.
How far you want to take it and how much you wish to invest.
Its all about knowing yourself really. Knowing your own limits and seeing each situation for what it is as apposed to what you would like to believe it is, Or what you wish it to be.
Trust honesty respect and yes...boundries.

There is a woman in the business with whom I have a pretty open and trusting relationship that goes beyond simple client/provider. In her case, I think part of the dynamic is that I'm older. She is 30 and I am 50. I think she works really well in a relationship with an older guy. She never had much luck with guys her own age. Given the age spread, I don't know how we would have met besides hobbying. I don't do bars nor really does she. In this case, the age spread seems to be one reason things work so well.

I have been very blessed in this business with the interesting sweet gentlemen I have had the good fortune to meet and truely I would never have met any of them if not for this business. Many have touched my life briefly but left long lasting impressions.

Since i first started, I have changed, in many ways. I am not the same person I was back then and I really like who i have grown to be. This business has showed me a side of myself i see through others eyes, the men i have grown to know. I am very blessed to have some wonderful friendships blossom here and cherish them greatly.
It's all good!

I am 51 and my ATF is 35.  Do we share trust and intimacy? Yes, absolutely. Is it a romantic relationship? No.  You can't really compare what you share with a woman who you are involved through the hobby with what a couple involved in a non P4P relationship might share.

Never lose sight of the fact that an envelope full of cash is responsible for the two of you meeting each other in the first place.  Who knows if, in a real life situation, your age alone may have been enough for her not to even give you a second look.

That was actually the point I was trying to make, I guess badly. Except for the hobby, she never would have chosen a 50 year old friend. But I think it works for her and for me.

everyone has an opertunity to benefit in many ways from friends found in this hobby, not just the contents of the envelope. You made your point well...I got it.

Emily,

Very well put. I too have had the pleasure of many friends passing through my years, some stay longer than others. The common thread is knowing that a simple call at anytime for any reason will get a warm reception.