There have been recent posts posing the questions of whether it would bother you if you knew your provider had a spouse, whether it bothers you if her children are discussed, and what turns you off instead of on, but I have yet to see a discussion about something that concerns me far more than any of these. I'm talking about getting all nude with a girl, and seeing numerous bruises on her. To me, it's a huge turnoff, and it's not just a cosmetic/aesthetic thing; it's the assumption that she got those bruises by means of abuse. I know, before I even get the virulent comebacks, I have no right to jump to that conclusion. But I can't help how I feel. The fact that she almost always mentions them, and gives me a cover story, tells me that my suspicion may be right. I should explain that one of the reasons it bothers me so much is that I had to watch my mother be abused when I was young, and I saw my aunt pistol-whipped by her husband in front of her kids(he was a cop, which may explain another of my hangups), and because all 4 of my sisters had at least one abusive relationship. I have empathy for the women in abusive relationships, yet at the same time, can't understand why they stay in them. It bothers me to the point where I can't possibly enjoy myself to the fullest once I see bruises. BTW, I'm not talking about just a casual little bruise here. Right up there with this is of course obvious intravenous drug abuse. That turns me off too. Fortunately, since TER, I don't encounter nearly as many of those. There, I got that off my chest. Anyone else have the same feelings?

I just had tossed off my clothes and was beginning to get a BBBJ from a really good looking girl on the floor of her apartment, when I heard a noise coming from the other room.  She told me it was her daughter!!!  I asked how old her daughter was.  She said 2!!!  WTF?!!  Either her daughter was locked into her room, or was restrained beyond that.  Either way, I was appalled.  My pants were put back on immediately.  I just felt like total shit for her and her daughter.  I left the full fee in hopes it would help her pathetic situation, and hit the road never to return.  I have to contribute to goodness in this world, not badness, and THAT was bad.

By the way, your story is just as sad,

Jacksonlips

It was on a girls back. It was the first time I saw her so I did'nt think it was my place for me to ask but...the bruises were round and it looked like she had been hit by something 3-4 times in different spots.

I felt strange and conflicted about what to do and left fairly quickly. Afterwards I felt..empty.

I was told recently I tend to be 'paternal" which is probably right. I wanted to do something and with someone I was closer with, I probably would have.

One last thing, we cannot be all things to all people..

Best,

BK

told me of a similar experience he had. Is it a small world or what? Or, heaven forbid, is that more common than I would like to believe?

There are alot of reasons. The guys get them in a mind control and they do not think they are worth anything this guy is the only one who will love them( if you call that love). Once you are in a relastionship like that it is so hard to get out and you wonder do you want to get out. If you have seen your parents do the same you think it is alright. MONKEY SEE MONKEY DO. Yes it so sad that things like that go on in life and wish you can help, but until they want help there is nothing anyone can do.  I got my help and moved on 6 yrs ago and could not be more happier. Now the only thing is it is so hard to let any guy in your life. It's just me and me alone. No boyfriend no kids well 21 yrs old son and I love life now...thanks for the great post

I doubt this is completely new to anyone here, but it's one of those things we need to think about every once in a while.  

As for why some women choose to remain in abusive relationships, and even actively seek them out, I have read much about this, thought much about it, and it's way too big a topic for me to go into here.  I will say, though, that it has this one thing in common with drug addiction and alcoholism:  nobody can help until the lady herself has recognized the problem and decided to finally confront it.

I can't think why you were worried about flames.  The overwhelming majority of TER guys are too, well, decent for that.  Of course there are a few jerks and one might choose to jump into this thread.

I would hazard a guess a fair number of us come from abusive backgrounds. For many, this biz is a step down, not a step up. I have a blast, but it hasn't always been easy. I use all sorts of things to deal with my issues that come up: art, writing, walking along the beach, talking with my best friend and cat napping. It is times like these that you have to step back and realize that you are paying into a system that is much more complex than it looks on the surface. Simply paying her and walking out without talking to her about it is like dropping a quarter in a homeless guys last sip of coffee in his paper cup. It doesn't get him another cup of coffee but it assuages your guilt.

It is overwhelming the problems that people face. That is why it’s better to help when you can, perhaps not directly but indirectly. I choose to do volunteer work. It is selfless and it somehow chisels away at the greater problems. Maybe volunteer at a battered women's clinic for an hour or two instead of hobbying that day. Maybe talk it over with your therapist. Not too sound too metaphysical but the fact that you have encountered so many women in your life that have been battered maybe there is something for you to look at there. I have never been hit. I have been very, very lucky.

you on this board; you are typically witty, biting, sarcastic, full of double entedre, or all of the above. This subject is one you obviously feel empathetic about. I am very glad that you have never been hit. The fact is, though, the physical abuse I have received doesn't bother me at all (at least not to my knowledge), but things that were said, ways I was treated, haunt me to this day, and I'm sure that is true of most people. You seem to be very comfortable with who and what you are, but that is not often the case for women in your profession, at least in my experience, and I think that is a damn shame. There was a scene in 'Pretty Woman', I can't quite remember the details, where Julie Roberts was hurt because he had told his associate about her profession, and he didn't understand why. Her explanation was that when she was in her costume, on the street, she was ready for it, but when she was dressed up like a "lady" and in a social setting, she felt demeaned, used, disrespected.
Anyway, I'm rambling here, but thanks for the post. BTW, I do volunteer, but never at a women's shelter. That's a good suggestion. I used to help out at a soup kitchen, and got sick and tired of the able-bodied men who were just abusing the system. That was the majority of participants.

batterer flat on his kiester.  Not appropriate or wise in every circumstnaces but I've had an understanding with every woman I've dated for any length of time: "I batter you, you lay me out cold."  Men don't hit women.  Period.  (Happy to say, no one's ever needed to deck me!)

I agree with much of what you are saying netmichelle and am glad you have the courage to make that statement.  In the past when anybody(usually a guy) has made that statement they have usually been flamed for making generalizations. Over the years I have encountered a number of ladies coming from abusive backgrounds or who had been traumatized by events that ocurred in their childhood.  In some cases they were doing everything to work through the issues raised and in some others it seemed likely that they would never be able to sustain a long term relationship with either males or females.

Unfortunately there is a lot of misery in the world.

There is NOTHING more disgusting to me than a man physically or mentally abusing a woman.
I have been extremely lucky in my life to have not had personel experience with this, until my oldest daughter was in HS.
Her "boyfriend" was a school stud who thought he was God's gift...
She came home one day with a huge bruise on her cheek and wouldn't say what happened.
Her mother finally got the story, he had put a "move" on that she rejected and he hit her.
Well, I knew where he lived and went to see him.
A 45 year old confronting an 18 year old doesn't paint a pretty picture, but I told him that if he ever touched her again, I'd kill him. He just laughed and got beligerent, so I kicked him in the crotch, hard, I think he got that message.
Unfortunetly he didn't get the overall message and was arrested several years later for beating his wife into a comma.
10 years later, I still feel guilty I didn't take care of him before.

My opinion is that ANY "man" that beats a woman is a low-life scum and should be put out of business permantly.

Just my opinion...
B

My childhood was cut short. I think its EVERYONES responsibility, parent or not, to protect the little ones. Too many people turn away and say "its not my place...responsibility" Kids can't defend themselves. Some don't realize they are a victim. If you had a good childhood, be thankful. Help the ones who need it most.

You are quite the lady and I hope to meet you one day. I think you hit the nail on the head with this one.

Like the first post, I also get damn angry when I see woman abused. As a medic, and someone who is damn lonley, I see beautful woman that I would kill just to take to dinner, stay in a house where they get beat on like a big drum. Laws in my state will not allow the scum bag to be taken to jail unless the officer SEES it happen. I had a call some time back...where I pleaded with the woman to take her kids and come with me to the department where I would have the local pastor call for her help. She would not. So knowing that the scum that hit her (she was allllll bloody) was going to walk (these cowards know the law real well) I walked up to my buddy who was the local officer and talking to this guy and said ".....Joe, what kinda pencile dick mother F*^$@& would beat on a little 100lbs girl half his size and call himself a man?..." Then I turned to the guy and said....."sir, do you know what kinda of a pencile dick......." He got mad and tried to hit me. What he did not know...is I was trying to get him to swing. Its a 1-3yr sentence to interfear with a medic in the course of his duties! Off to jail he went........fool.........

The local judge did NOT like my methods....but he did have a long chuckel about my end result. The catch was I asked him "what kind of a pencile dick....." I did not CALL him a "pencile dick......". He did not know the difference. He is doing time in jail right now. Too damn bad in my book. He has promised to 'get even' with me....ya right....beat up on little girls less then half his size and he wants a fight with a +300 pound medic that knows where to hit the human body to do the most damage? I told him "go for it fool......."

Love your posts. Keep up the good work.
Bob (ozzy335)

Me too. Did she say "Are you my new dad?"

Bruises are not always indications of abuse or non-consentual activities.

like I said, I'm talking about severe cases in some instances, that could not have likely come from many other sources. Nevertheless, I can never know for sure the cause unless she chooses to tell me. I can't think of a gracious way to ask, as much as I would like to, and couldn't legally do anything about it even if she wanted me too, which would probably never be the case.

I would be too dampened for any play at that point.  It might actually make me sick to see that.  As a client, I don't feel I'd have many good alternatives...

If I were actually able to perform, I'd feel guilty. My focus would change from my own pleasure.  My focus would change to how I could make her feel better.  That would probably be worse for her.  

I could give her a number to a battered women's shelter.  Perhaps I should carry that just in case.  

Any woman might have this problem, but with a provider it becomes inescapable.  

One of the most traumatic things I ever saw was a friend who had horribly beaten, by a stranger, not in a relationship  (I'll spare all the details on the chance she reads this board.) She kept her composure very well.  I, on the other hand, was a basket case.

It happened more than a decade ago, and I'm shaking as I write this.  If it was that bad seeing her, I imagine what it was like for her to go through it.

Guys who get into relationships and to do this should be painfully injured, once a month, for the rest of their lives.        

/Zin



-- Modified on 6/10/2004 9:45:16 PM

...make us laugh, amaze us, and turn us on, but you never stop showing great thought and sensitivity, too.

A good post.  

/Zin

Meanning what?  That you let him, even like him to, bruise you?

Straight up question:  Does that indicate you have low self worth?

Same question about cutters.  Like Frankie on Real World...  Another manifestation of low self-esteem?

Hrnyguy, I understand and probably was a little reactionary with my post.  I usually have a bruise or two just from being reckless and moving around too fast and occasionally from consentual rough sex.  I just don't like the idea of someone assuming that I'm a victim of some sort.  However, I would understand if my bruises were a turn off and would hope you could tell me that as I wouldn't want anyone to have to suffer through a session with me.

I do understand how bruises could have an emotional impact impact on you and illicit reactions that would upset the mood of a date.  I wish I could think of a good way to aproach the situation but I can't at this time.