I started hobbying in Nov.  At the time my wife was about to give birth and I hadn't had sex for over 6 months.  I felt guilty but also revitalized.  Since then I've gone from seeing 1 provider per week to now 2-3 per week.  Last week I spent $1000 on hobbying.  As much as I enjoy it, I can see that this is a road leading to trouble and misery.  Don't want to lose my family but the call of pussy is messing with my rational mind.  My wife is still recovering so I cant have sex with her for another few months.

BTW It took me about 6 years to finally conquer an 12 year addiction to opiates.  I see the same patterns repeating.

Any suggestions?

hobbying is healthy. I think it is better to see it if you aren't getting any from your wife. I haven't had sex in over five years and after getting it for a few months I became a lot more productive in work and I became a lot happier and people said to me I look amazing.

Btw, do you usually see the same provider or different providers 2-3 times per week?

Bad news - it does not matter WHAT you are addicted to. Gambling,drinking,stamp collection or seing ladies.

Once it starts ruling your life instead of enhancing it .. you are in a world of trouble.

Good news? You know the signs and have dealt with something as disastrous as opiates.

Lina

Dear Lina:
If you had to guess why hobbying would be addictive what would it be exactly?  When you cultivate a client who becomes a regular why did they say that they decided to see you again?

Anytime you feel the need to hobby,  go ride a bike .  That will cool you down or join a GYM to work off that energy..

on anything that you may feel has the potential to GRAB you.


Seeing providers while your wife was busy having YOUR children; what a GUY!! I'm sure those around you will indeed to be very proud of your example.


Sorry to bust you up dude. Your behavior is deplorable.

I am a sex addict my self, but 2-3 a week? Damn. My best ever (or worst ever if you look at it that way) was a three day trip to Las Vegas, where I met three ladies in three days. Still don't know how I pulled that off.
Seriously though, don't you have some other things to be thinking about right now other then getting laid? This would be one to take care if you don't want to mess up a new family, etc.
Now, I will step off my high horse and go back to the reviews.

click on the link below and post this question to the Love Goddess.

I agree with the "if this is real" sentiment. In case we aren't being 'punked'....

Here's your suggestion....
Stop thinking about yourself and concentrate on your wife, your vows, and your child. Believe me...there's going to be LOTS of money needed to take care of a new baby.
Be a man, and stop thinking with your dick. It's not 'nature', 'programmed', or a 'need'. That's bullshit made up by lazy selfish people.

Now jack off and go help your wife with all the new responsibilites.

In most married relationships once a week is about it so at least shoot for that. Also a little self pleasure might help. Start building up your time away from seeing a provider by using your skills to please yourself while thinking about past experiences.

You are young and don't want to get trapped in having to have everything on overdrive to get yourself charged up. If this happens you could lose interest in having sex with your wife and not put the effort needed for an on going sensual relationship. Remember a provider is ready at the drop of an envelope but your wife will need a lot more attention to her desires.

I will say, be very careful about letting your little head get in the way of using your big one to take care of your finances. With a new baby and day to day expenses no matter how much money you make it sounds like your on a spending spree for sex. No K-mart bargain prices i'm sure.

Hope things get better for you on the home front soon.

Kisses Haley

As someone who has tackled her own demons regarding years of generalized anxiety, and growing up with an extended family predisposed to addition of all varieties, I feel the only way to tackle addition and other obsessive compulsive like disorders is through genuine honesty checks with oneself. Addiction isn't merely a habit gone wrong, it's an avoidance technique, usually paired with a certain entitlement mentality (which even the addict recognizes as a lie), which the addict uses to rationalize his or her behavior on the surface.

So the question then becomes what exactly is occurring in your life that is causing you enough stress/anxiety that you (consciously or unconsciously) are seeking to avoid it? Now, no one here has any clue as to what's going on in your life beyond the circumstances you mentioned. However, the mere act of having a child is plenty of stress and anxiety producing all on its on.

I don't think this is simply about you not getting your regularly scheduled booty (though this is the entitlement you are using to rationalize your behavior). At home, not only was your wife physically and mentally morphing into someone different than whom you married (which I must stress is TEMPORARY and FULLY OUT OF HER CONTROL), but your responsibilities both as a provider (er, no pun intended) and a human being have now increased some 10fold with the introduction of this new life that is entirely dependent upon you and your wife, and will remain so for the next decade plus. I'm always amazed at people who choose to bring children into the world; they're always incredibly strong, or incredibly naive (sometimes a bit of both .

I would suggest taking some of that money you are spending on ladies, and find yourself a good therapist. I don't think you are "crazy," but I do suspect you have some very real anxiety issues, and you need to find a genuinely healthy working solution to solving this before it tears apart your life, and the lives of your wife and new child.

I know sitting on a couch and talking about your problems isn't as "manly" as just going out and banging a chick until her body has left a permanent impression in the mattress, but consider this as my official scare tactic: breastmilk transfers to the child its first immunities. It also transfers disease. I highly doubt that when your wife becomes able and interested again, that you will reply with "I can't honey. It hasn't been six months since my last visit with a provider, and I need to wait so I can get tested."

Obviously you recognize your addictive personality. As described, I agree tbat this "hobby" has become something counterproductive and potentially dangerous to you and your family. Try stopping. See if you can stay away from providers for a month.  If you can't, get some help before you become more of a slave to this stuff. Sex is very powerful and the same addicting dopamine response you got from opiates you can (at some level) get from sex.

It's all about our pleasure...  just like booze & other drugs.  A lot of guys BINGE when they first discover the hobby.  I know I did.  Perhaps I still do on vacations.  But I know I can not go on like this full time.  NEVER HOBBY with rent, grocery money!
 
If you feel you are out of control, then you probably are.  The frequency & amount you have spent suggests you have crossed the line.  It would be wise to call your sponser & get help before the crap hits the fan.  The longer you wait, the harder it will be.  

You know you have to do this.  A new child is a stress on a couple...  buy yourself a bottle of astro-lube but keep it at home.  You need to control this or it will surely control you.

Seriously Best Wishes,
skb

indicate that yes, there is a problem. The only treatment for any true addiction is complete abstinence. That's not to say that you have to abstain from sex, only sex with women other than your wife. Obviously, you can't see only one provider any more than I can have only one drink.

You mentioned that there is a concern about how much money you spent recently, and this is going to lead to "trouble and misery". This is another indication that you have a serious problem. Use what you've learned from your other addiction(s). Living under any addiction is a horrible way to go through life, but living in recovery can be the most rewarding thing you'll ever do for yourself.

Get the help you need, my friend.

Disclaimer: this is intended for the OP. If you are a hobbyist with unresolved guilt issues, reading this might make you feel bad unless you are a psychopath. So don't read further.
-----------------

Most people don't realize it, but the time when a woman's husband is MOST likely to cheat is while she is pregnant and during the first year of the baby's life. It seems pretty damned counterintuitive, but it's the truth.

Most men are seriously out of touch with their own feelings and motivations. That's fine when we are busy slaying mammoths to bring back to the cave; but when it endangers those in the cave, it is a problem.

Here's the thing. When a child enters the picture, all of the attention that was previously going to hubby, is going to the pregnancy and baby. Not only does he get less attention, but he is required to give more. So he gives more, and gets less.

Anytime a deficit exists like this, there can be a sense of righteous entitlement based upon these superficialities. It's rather childish and selfish in an unhealthy way.

But for men who look DEEPER -- and see beyond the that sliver of time; there is a sense of thankfulness rather than entitlement.

Let me put this in perspective for you.

Is there life after death?

Right now, the only answer that science supports is ... no. The way you live on is through the impact of your actions in the here and now, and through your offspring.

Your wife is granting you the potential of eternal life. What is that worth to you? Think about it.

You live on, in children and grandchildren, long after the worms have eaten your flesh and your bones have crumbled to dust. You live on, not just in the genes of your child, but in the behaviors derived from the environment of the home you create and the values you imbue.

What an amazing, precious and irreplaceable gift!

And the price for this? Simple responsible behavior. And it WILL pass. Nature made it so mommy wouldn't be too keen on breeding while pregnant (varies with the woman) or while nursing (which suppresses ovulation) so that there wouldn't be too many mouths to feed too quickly and so her body would have a chance to recover its vigor.

NOW which way does the balance-sheet look? Feeling entitled? You shouldn't.

A lot of people emphasize the responsibility aspect of children. Yes, they are a responsibility. But they are also an opportunity -- not just to live forever -- but to have the most fun imaginable; and I am NOT shitting you! The fun and joy WAY outweigh the responsibility.

My daughter and I just spent a week together. Actually, we spend a lot of time together even though her mother and I split. We talk on the phone, chat via IM and all kinds of stuff when we aren't together. We are like two conspirators, she and I.

Last week she and I acted out the play Julius Caesar, each playing multiple roles. We also worked on self-defense. She wanted to produce a music mp3 for a song she had written, so she and I worked on that. (I have a home studio.) We got a ton of snow, so we built huge snow forts; invited the neighborhood kids and pulverized them due to superior strategy.

Here are just some of the cool things she and I do.

During summer thundershowers, we throw on swimsuits and go play tag in the rain while splashing through puddles. We go swimming in the local creek. We go for hikes in the woods. We read together, discuss big-picture things (a LOT of big picture things), make clothes together for her fashion ideas (yes, I know how to use a sewing machine), go shooting together at the local range and and and ...

A couple of weeks ago, she and I were at a party and a bunch of adults were present. She and I were discussing how all adults seem to do is whine and complain about their aches and pains and stuff. So we got together with her friends who were over ... and had them watch a little experiment.

I walked out into the living room, looked at a couple of the adults, bent over to rub my knee, and said "Man, old age is catching up with me, my knees are really stiff." Within SECONDS every other adult kicked in -- their shoulders, knees, hips, backs, etc. Right on cue. Totally predictable.

Of course, my daughter and her friends were silently observing ... and then broke out in absolutely bend-over side-splitting laughter as one of the adults was talking about his pinky finger. All the adults are looking at the girls saying "WTF?" Some I am sure came dangerously close to peeing their pants.

And I played the straight man. Who? Me? I have no idea why they are laughing!  

And my daughter is way smarter and wiser than most adults. Really good judgment on that girl, too. I've taken a loss of income when necessary to give her the one thing that can't be bought: my time.

Why am I telling you this? So you know that the squalling, messy diapers and heavy responsibility part of things disappears in a flash. Hell, you hardly even remember it. Really. All that remains is the joy.

That is, the joy is there IF you will pay the very modest price of exercising a modicum of responsible behavior.

But all this joy is what is in store for you IF you do not destroy your relationship with your offspring before it even starts.

You need to stop looking short-term and start looking long-term in terms of your personal balance sheet. Act like you are 30 instead of 13. I guarantee you the short-term deficit you are currently experiencing will be WAY more than matched by the joy.

And your wife will remember how you treated her while she was pregnant and nursing. And if you treated her well; you'll ultimately be repaid. (And, while I am at it, changing diapers and bathing babies is part of YOUR job too!  One reason I am sure my daughter and I are so close is because I took an active role in all of this stuff instead of just shoving it off on mommy.)

This is NOT a "sacrifice" you are making. It is an INVESTMENT that pays huge dividends. Think long-term now, or your long-term is going to SUCK. That child will be growing up without you and you'll be nothing more than a check in the mail.

You need to become HONEST with yourself about what you are doing and WHY you are doing it; and THEN you need to correct it.

For more about being honest with yourself, you may find this article of interest:

http://www.drhurd.com/index.php/Life-s-a-Beach/Published-Columns/Little-White-Lies.html

One more thing. By all means, get therapy. But GOOD therapy. Not everyone with the same letters after his name is created equal.

Seeing the same lady again does not reflect addictive behavior.

Addictive behavior is reflected when it is done in spite of other damage it may cause to loved ones.

-- Modified on 3/3/2010 8:06:02 AM

Since this is not fun for you and you are scared for your family you must quit.
Hobbying should only be for fun.
Massage therapy should be a once a week thing so if the ladys are providing a massage as well then fine.
But if they are just providing one form of entertainment 3 per week is way to much.
Once a month for a guy like you is sufficient.
Number one rule for me in this business is Never, ever let it affect your family life.
Our familys are what comes first.
Good luck with everything.

hence you need no suggestions. It's painful, but do it. Putting all moralism aside, does spending $1000 a week on sex seem reasonable, and sustainable? Go get the help you need, and put that $1000 a week in your kids college fund.

$10,000 in an investment account for your newborn will be $1M by the time he/she/it is 21.

there is no such thing as addiction to the hobby. you become addicted to the pleasures the hobby offers.

fuck this pc bullshit... lets call it what it is.

you're addicted to sex. its no different than addiction to chocolate, alcohol, cocaine, or watching reruns of I Love Lucy. It affects the pleasure center of the brain.

except regular sexual activity is really good for your prostate... cocaine and alcohol, not so much.

and its much less expensive in the long run...

I spend less on hobbying in a year, than what i used to "blow" on cocaine in a week. My recovery time after a "binge" is much quicker as well :P

are the product of a weak mind, and spirit.  Medical addictions are different as the addicted party did not choose that path, it was chosen for him by a a medical professional he/she trusted.
Opiate addiction by choice deserves no sympathy. Same with any other drug addiction such as coke, amphetamines, etc, in which the end user could not cope, or felt a need to fit in with peers.
The perfect out for any situation, and the drug involved can always be blamed at a later date.
Sex addiction (hobby addiction) is no exception.
The "victim" knows the risks going in.  Besides, sex addiction is only for the rich and famous who have fucked up everything (ala Tiger Woods), and now needs an excuse for having the mind of a child.
While everyone here understands the fact that sex with a provider can take you places you will never go with an SO, please don't insult the rest of us claiming "the devil made me do it", or I have an addiction. The problem is your own self centered, selfishness.  If not being able to have sex for a couple months because your wife is recovering from having YOUR child, is a huge problem, you need more help than a provider can give you.
Seems to me you could be the poster child for all of the weak minded, limp wristed pussies who hide under the word addiction to justify their inability think before they do!  People like you who can't admit the real problem are pathetic!

BTW.  I'm married, I hobby, I don't claim a NEED for this, it's a desire that is no longer taken care of. (for over 5 years).  It was her choice at this time to quit, but not earlier during  the time we were having a family.  While I do not understand her behavior now, I understood the reasons then. I was there for support.  I didn't go running out to become "addicted" to satisfy some self serving 'NEED" I thought I had.

My suggestion: Have your pecker amputated, as you are not intelligent enough to own one, and too selfish to see beyond your own "wants" (NOT needs)

It also gives me the ability to deal with my lazy, spendaholic, bloated, disgusting fat-assed wife too!!

Thanks for the replies.  Yeah rationally I know how wrong it is so I don't need any judgmental replies.

I just hoping that someone has gone through the same thing and has some advice on how to stop.

I work in a very high stress job and although I'm good at what I do, I kind of hate my job.  I needed the opiates just to zone out and get through the day.  After a while, I had a big habit and was constantly sick and miserable.  It took a lot of effort to maintain a certain habit without going overboard.  Anyways, I got really sick of the addiction so I got into golf of all things.  Then things were going well until this last winter.  Usually I get really depressed in the winter and since I couldn't entertain myself with drugs or golf I start playing with online video chats.  Somehow I found this site and I started messing around with hobbying.  

Each week I might duck out during lunch to get a R&T.  After work on Friday I might stop and AMP.  Sometimes if I liked the girl I'll stop by again Monday morning.  

To me it's not so much about the sex as much as the sneaking around.  For some reason I've always liked to have a secret life.

BTW one way I was able to stop doing drugs was to leave my homebase for about a month to get it out of my system.  I thought about doing this with regards to hobbying but right now it's hard for me to travel with the family and all.

I'm hoping that as spring comes around again I'll spend all my time and money on golf and that'll probably distract from hobbying a while

Thanks for the replies.  Yeah rationally I know how wrong it is so I don't need any judgmental replies.

I just hoping that someone has gone through the same thing and has some advice on how to stop.

I work in a very high stress job and although I'm good at what I do, I kind of hate my job.  I needed the opiates just to zone out and get through the day.  After a while, I had a big habit and was constantly sick and miserable.  It took a lot of effort to maintain a certain habit without going overboard.  Anyways, I got really sick of the addiction so I got into golf of all things.  Then things were going well until this last winter.  Usually I get really depressed in the winter and since I couldn't entertain myself with drugs or golf I start playing with online video chats.  Somehow I found this site and I started messing around with hobbying.  

Each week I might duck out during lunch to get a R&T.  After work on Friday I might stop and AMP.  Sometimes if I liked the girl I'll stop by again Monday morning.  

To me it's not so much about the sex as much as the sneaking around.  For some reason I've always liked to have a secret life.

BTW one way I was able to stop doing drugs was to leave my homebase for about a month to get it out of my system.  I thought about doing this with regards to hobbying but right now it's hard for me to travel with the family and all.

I'm hoping that as spring comes around again I'll spend all my time and money on golf and that'll probably distract from hobbying a while

FUCKIN BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't feel like I'm addicted to sex.  I use hobbying as an escape.  I also like reading the reviews and looking for new providers.  It gives me a reason to go somewhere and do something different than my normal routine.

This hobby is far less expensive and way less damaging than either drugs or gambling.

That said, I can see where the hobby could present a problem financially for someone "addicted" to the hobby, but without the financial wherewithall to afford.

Doc, you and I are either luck or unlucky, depending on your POV in the fact that we have blown so much money on other "hobbies" that this hobby seems quite affodable in contrast. lol

For someone without the means to enjoy all this gorgeous pussy that abounds here, can you imagine having to confess to your wife the reason the you lost the house was because of your "addiction" to strange pussy?lmao

1. Make sure you can't afford it.

Easily done. Set up an auto-withrawal from your checking account in the amount you usually spend on hobbying that gets dumped into (say) a brokerage account that is setup to make an automatic stock purchase anytime funds arrive. (I'm sure lots of online brokerages will allow this. I use Sharebuilder.)

When all is said and done, it takes about a week for a sale to clear and for you to be able to get the money back out.

So now you don't have easy access to the money.

Once a month, initiate sales and withdrawals to make up for the shortfall in the bills you are neglecting.

Once the baby is a year old, things will likely be back to normal and use the money to take your wife on a really nice romantic vacation and rekindle the romance.

2. Get a worthwhile hobby that has goals attached to it that will take your attention.

You mentioned golf. How about getting a ham radio license? That will require study, arranging to take the test, researching and finding gear, etc.

Sign up for a college class in something outside your field. Again, takes time, money and thought.

For some people, weightlifting can be a very beneficial hobby for this sort of thing because the neurotransmitter rushes can be a competing (albeit worthwhile usually) addiction.

Join the gym, and schedule time with a personal trainer -- plan everything out and stick to it.

3. Put pictures of your wife EVERYWHERE -- in your wallet, on your desk, next to your phone, on the visor of your car. Be constantly reminded of WHY you are disciplining yourself, and how worthwhile she is.

Good luck!

Seek professional counseling. You have a tendency toward addiction, regardless of the stimulant that addicts you.

Sex comes in a close second to "survival" as our most common and powerful drive. Though most prominent in the MALE it can be equally as powerful in the female.

Sex sublimely satiates physically, biochemically, and most of all; EMOTIONALLY. Little wonder why shortly after having sex we start jones'n for more.

2-3 times a week is not an unheard of hobbying appetite; but will surely prove problematic to a marriage/family as well as most household budgets.

Your addiction history is indicative of regularly 'giving in' to your desires/pleasures.
IMO you need to muster the discipline to cut down to once or twice a month, or treat it like alcoholism and simply not imbibe.  

She is a lucky girl and you are a blessed man!

And this weekend she and I are making "Cake in a Can." It is so delicious she often includes it on her Christmas list!

Take time to enjoy things and think of this more of hobby. Staying busy will keep you mind off things.