I thought it might be interesting to do a survey about this.

In my case, I had a situation that you would think would allow my marriage to have continued despite heavy hobbying:

I had a very naive wife.  (Never looked at the tax forms, bank accounts, etc.)

I had a lot of income.

I had a lot of free time during the day.

I managed to go 17 years before getting caught the first time, I reformed (briefly) and got caught a year later.  For a while my wife accepted it and even got some action on the side herself (which was fine with me) but then the letter from the lawyer came and now we are splitsville for the last three years.  (Which is a mixed blessing.)

How are the rest of you men enjoying matrimony faring?

For you divorcees, how long did you manage before you got caught?  Was the hobbying the cause of the breakup?

wanted out. We both did. Now there is no pressure from a bad relationship, no resentment and no one to worry about.

I didn't hobby when I was married, but if I did there was an understanding that there would be no second chance.

Plus having 3 mistress' at the time didn't help.

-- Modified on 8/2/2006 7:39:00 AM

I've been married 10 years and started hobbying 6 years into it.  I seem to take greater risks as the years go on. I need to be careful.

Mr Fisher, how did she find out?  An errant condom?  A girl called your house?  What mistakes should us married guys avoid.  Where's the cautionary tale?

I thought about starting a similar post some time ago becuase of my own dilemma. My problem is this: I am terrible at lying and deception. I am sloppy with receipts (hotels, condoms, blue pill prescriptions). To make a pathetic story short, in my two plus years of hobbying (out of 20 years of marriage), I have already been caught twice. However, as misguided as it might sound, I have little fear that my wife (who I do love) will leave me. As my wife and I haven't had much of a sex life for the past five or so years (maybe an average of six times a year), I am inclined to believe that she suspected something was going on. As it stands, we have not had sex in about eight months. Nevertheless, other than our nonexistant sex life, we enjoy each other's company, we are raising wonderful kids and we have a life style that divorce would pretty much destroy (I make a high income, she is a stay-at-home Mom). So although I battle the guilt constantly, and have undergone counseling (both individual and group), I see no change in my actions in the near future. In fact, when I refrain from these activities, my resentment surfaces and I start to act like an asshole. Not a great situation, by any means, but I am resigned to it.  

-- Modified on 8/2/2006 2:35:50 PM

your situation almost parallels mine, except that I thought I was pretty good about being deceptive.

Read above for what caused my downfall.

instead of the receipt going to the office it ended up at home.

Wifey opened it and the rest it history.

Takes one little bauble to upset everything.

If there is a cautionary tale, I'm afraid it's that your number eventually comes up.

is the petitioner going to get hurt?

Then you do the psychoanalysis:  is the petitioner crazy?

We've got a very rich country, full of people looking for problems and ways to finance them.

You may remember in Poe's story The Purloined Letter everyone was looking for a letter that had been stolen, but it was on the fireplace mantel in full view all along

I don't try to hide any bills, credit card charges, payments, etc.   My wife does not search anything because it is all out there for her to see.   Even when I used to visit my mistress, I came with my oversize Mercedes with my name on the license plate and parked it in full view.   No one would ever believe that anything so out in the open concealed anything illicit.

So far, so good.   Later this month my wife and I celebrate our 42nd anniversary.  We still have sex, although not as often as before.  

Sure, we have problems in our marriage, but they are no different from the problems we had 20 years ago.  She has nothing to be suspicious about.

would a good prenup prevent financial annihilation in a divorce, even if it was because of hobbying?

If so, I can't imagine why everyone wouldn't get one (men and women included).  I know many would balk at it, but I can't imagine why, if it was drawn up fairly.  IMO, it would be more of a sign to not marry someone than wanting the prenup.

Must have been for a hotel or the like?  I hope.

Wow, cash only for me.  I never leave a paper trail for anything.  I even pay cash for tolls instead of using electronic tolls if I am going somewhere that I am usually not going to be near.  Never get cash from an ATM where I am not supposed to be (try explaining that one), and never pay for anything with plastic when I am not where I am supposed to be.  I have even put gas in the car with cash beacause of this issue.  Prepaid phone for the "fun"

That way there is no paper trail of anything happening.

Pre-nups and post nups save a lot of pain and hassle. If it's money you are trying to protect, be generous and move on. Only the lawyers win when you let your egos get involved. You should also get powers of attorney over your health and finances in case of the unexpected. Ownership is overrated too. Get all of that SHIT you own out of your name ASAP.

Hehe, That's why I'm not going to get married until I find someone I won't want to cheat on.  I couldn't handle the guilt.  I even feel guilty not seeing only my ATF provider!

I'm sure I could quit hobbying anytime I feel inclined to do so.

I didn't hobby while I was married because I didn't know about it.  If I had known, yes I would have hobbied and gotten divorced sooner and been happier sooner.

...and don't let guilt get you down.  Your wifey is probably giving it up while you're away, anyway.  But you've already suspected that, right?

They even included a list of phone numbers called that included the providers private home number that she called to check on her kids.

Guess who decided to call her and have a lovely chat?

Thought still gives me gooseflesh.

hiding in plain sight...?... (eom)

People often look for evidence of coverup as a means to detect a crime, forgetting to look and see if a crime has occured.

No coverup = no crime, right?

If it works, all I can say is it's ingenious.

Elegance in action.

Same her 10 years married, two kids later, no more interest, I am now the 3rd wheel in the family even though I do everything including most of the financial support. So I am very careful not to make a mistake and loose %50 + child support for something that was not my doing.
Answer I only see someone every 6 months and stay on the boards to keep up on who is legit so as not to get caught. Helps that my wife has never used a computer.