Women help me

No pity please I'm in a dilemna with my mom. We are really super close. Last week while I was at work, my car was repossessed. They had every right to take it. I'm not complaining at all. I called my mom, and she went to the bank. She paid what I owed.

Here's what's bothering me so much. The reason I can't keep up wiht my car payments is because I've quit escorting. I work part-time, and am in grad school full-time. I'm trying to get promoted to full-time at my job, so I will make more money, benefits, etc. Well, whenever we discuss the car, she keeps asking me why. She says she knows there's a reason I didn't go to her sooner. She will not let go of there being a reason. As you all know, there is reason. I'm not escorting anymore, so I don't have that extra income. I hate being dishonest with her. It's tearing me apart. I've cried for a week straight, because I'm feel like I've betrayed her. This is one of the worst times of my life. I don't care about my car, my credit, or the money. I'm sad, because I feel as if I've ruined my relationship with my mom. Do I tell her the truth?

I'm an advocate of being straight forward. The truth isn't gender specific so as a person rather than a guy I would urge you to come clean with her. She's the only mother you have and she won't be here forever. She also has that "mother sense" so she already knows something's up. The truth will set you free.

Re:Women help me

It all depends on how much you need to come clean with your mom. If you're overly sensitive over the choices you made in your former life, maybe what's tearing you up is that you really want to tell your mom about your former life and have her tell you that she still loves and accepts you. My guess is that from the outside it just seems that your mom is asking how you screwed up financially. I bet if you told her you had saved some money and thought you'd be working more then part-time by now so you splurged on a car (which is all some part of the truth) then she'd just give you the "save and plan for a rainy day" lecture and be done with it. But I don't think she's as keen to your deep dark secrets as you might be imagining. My guess is you have a huge amount of guilt over being fully honest with your mom and it's getting mixed up in the car payment fiasco which is probably a larger deal to you then it is to her. Just remember, your mom has secrets you probably can't imagine. Maybe you can tell her the truth she needs to hear without revealing all of yourself. Or you can tell her everything whether she needs to know or not. If there are multiple issues here then maybe by seperating them you can come to some clarity. At any rate, good luck...and for the record this is a fictional account for entertainment purposes only.

Tell her anything, but please don't tell her as long as you can possibly hold out.  You just never know what might happen!  Tell her you finally ran out of savings, and you just did't have the income from your part-time job to keep up with the payments.  Tell her you didn't get as much for your financial aid this year/semester.  Tell her you had a huge lab or textbook expenses, or your tuition was much higher than you thought.  Tell her you had an accident and didn't want to have it on your insurance so you paid for the body work out of pocket.  Tell her you lost it on a bad investment at AmeriTrade -- what-EVER!

If worse comes to worse, tell her you were stripping, instead of escorting.  In all seriousness, I would only tell her you were escorting as an absolute last resort, or unless you knew for certain that she would be okay with it, especially since you are not doing it anymore.

Just my $0.02,

BJ, Palm Beach
[email protected]

Re:Women help me

You must carefully consider if she can handle the truth.

Is she able to keep such information about you confidential?
If not, can you handle the consequences?

Be SMART about this IW, because once you tell, its out.  You cannot put it back (it's like stomping on a tube of toothpaste, then trying to put it back in).

Many young people get into financial trouble and subsequently get bailed out by their parents - it doesn't mean they were escorting.  Sometimes people are just financially irresponsible...  happens all the time.

You asked for women's advice, so I apologize if my reply (Y-chromosome based) offends you.

Re:Women help me

If you are as close to your mom as you think, then she probably already knows or at least suspects.  If your mom loves you enough that she went and paid what you owe, she will not love you less if you level with her and tell her the truth.  In my own case, my Mama was the one person who I could always rely on.  It was tough anytime I had to tell her about anything that I had done that wasn't up to her expectations because she was the last person in the world that I wanted to disappoint.  No matter what I had done, even after returning from Vietnam, my Mama was always there with ears to hear and arms to hold.  If your mother is half the woman that you think she is she will always be there for you no matter what.  You only get one mother and she will be there for you when you need her.  Trust her to love you no matter what.

Re:Women help me

The fact that you have been escorting is information that your mother does not need to know, and may make her very uncomfortable (you know better than any of us how uncomfortable).  

You have a right to privacy.  Your mother does not have a right to know the details of your life.  Mothers who make their children feel that they are betraying them if they do not tell them the details of their life are not respecting boundaries.  Not telling her would be best, and would not be a betrayal.

Your use of the word betrayal brings up another issue, though.  If you feel that it is by escorting itself that you have betrayed your mother, because for example you have "betrayed" her values or her trust in you to live out her values, and you feel that her values could not accept escorting, then you need to examine what your own values are in relation to escorting.  If yours are different than your mother's, then you have a right to those different values, and you are not betraying her by having those different values.  You have no obligation to live out your mother's values, because you have a right to your own values.

But if your own values are such that you should not be escorting, than you have definitely made the right choice not to escort, because one of the most damaging things we can do to ourselves is to do something which we think is morally wrong.  If this is the case, you can be proud of yourself for living up to your values.  

But in this case, as well, it is best for you to move on with your non-escort life, and keep the escorting part of your past private, as you have a right to do.  Don't tell your mother.

Re:Women help me

Through experience, I have come to the conclusion that leading a "double life," especially where close family members are concerned is very stressful and depressing.  It's almost like having a split personality.  I always felt that if my mom knew what I was doing for a living, she wouldn't accept me, which in turn made me feel like I wasn't good enough.....  I finally told my mother out of desperation (needed bail money), but when I did, it only brought us closer together.  I mean, sure, I have to put up with the third degree with her from time to time and the guilt trip that she puts on me when she feels in the mood, but other than that, it's very "freeing."  I now can function as a whole person instead of two people in the same body.  However, because my mother respectfully requested that I not disclose my profession to the rest of my family, she's the only member that knows.

It's up to you, but like someone else already posted.... remember, the truth will MAKE you free!!!

Columnist

I assume you quit escorting because didnt want to do it anymore.

I also assume your Mom wouldnt think the whole thing was pretty cool.

If both of those are true, leave the past in the past. Tell her they cut your hours back at work. Tell her they cut your pay. Tell her you bought it with saved money and thought you would be promoted to full time and be able to afford the payments. Any stupid lie. But why would you want to open that can of worms.

Re:Women help me

You achieve no objective by sharing your secret with your wonderful mom.  You only deeply hurt her, probably for a long time.

There are other ways you can re-build your relationship with your mom, and make her proud.  Most women who get into that business, are not driven by intense sexual drives, rather pure financial needs.

If you are so upset about the damage done by delinquent bills (which could happen to anyone), I don't see that adding fuel to the fire will help matters any. I'd venture to say (with utmost confidence) that disclosing that you were escorting would be like dumping an oil tanker's worth of fuel on open flames.

Does a spouse actually feel better when their SO tells them they cheated? Absolutely not! If you drop the bombshell on them do you ever get the response..."Gee honey, because you came clean and told me you slept with someone else, I'll forgive you"..no way, it's more like "I hate you, you piece of sh*t, get out of my life forever, I can't trust you".

If you truly care about not hurting your mom, don't put her in the position of having to deal with a bombshell like that. Maybe _you_ will feel better by coming clean, but there's no way in hell she will feel better knowing you were escorting.

Trust me, admitting you screwed up a second time won't make her forgive you for screwing up the first time.  Nobody close to you will be a better person for knowing you were escorting.  

Re:Women help me

I think you have got to ask yourself who might be hurt by this confession.  If it's going to make you feel better at the expense of hurting your mom, don't do it.  After all you are an adult, she has no right to know and the knowledge may only hurt her.  Ther are lots of ligetimate reasons why you might be in financial distress.

Re:Women help me

Your mother will always love you unconditionally so follow your heart.  If you guys are as close as you say then she, more than likely, already senses it.  I think that she will respect you more for being honest with her, and besides....  you quit the business!!!  For this your mother will be proud of you and, although she may choke a little in the beginning (shock), the truth will bring you closer in the long run and your mother and you will be closer than ever.  My best friend came clean to her mother while her mother was on her death bed (dying of cancer) and she feels that her honesty is the best thing that she has ever done for her mother and her relationship.  Good luck sweetie!!!  You are obviously a very strong girl with a good head on your shoulders and this situation will work out great for you.  I will pray for you...  for your strength...  and for your mother's understanding.  But remember...  you were never a bad person for what you were doing.  This business does not change who you are, you can still be a beautiful lady from the inside out and be in this business and it sounds like you were one of the blessed ones from the very beginning.