I've been married a long time. I hobby because although I love my family, there is very little sex (3 times a year?).

We have never talked about sex. I'd like to, but I don't know how to get started, or I lack the nerve. But this morning, I got something started, gave her DATY, and she had a good time.

I wasn't "ready" anymore when finished with that (she checked). Rather than pay me a little attention either manually or orally to get me "ready," she laid there.

I really wanted to say something, because I really wanted to keep going, but I needed encouragement and it didn't come.

In her place, I would have gotten to work immediately. In fact, when I have finished and she hasn't, I have never just laid there. I've gotten to work and made sure she got waht she needed.

I know we don't always both have to cum. But if you're only having sex a few times a year, it seems reasonable to hope that you both can.

Why don't wives do bj? Or is it just mine?

How do I turn this around?

There are several key issues that are left out her, like, for instance, if your relationship was always this way (don't need to answer).

However, my honest feeling is that if you can afford it financially, you need to see a counselor.  Don't misunderstand me, I am not implying that you have a big problem, or that this is your fault.  However, some your questions are such core questions that if you are asking them at this point of your life and your marraige, this is going to take some work.  

Trust a profesional, and see one on your own.  He or she can give you an idea about initiating communication with your wife, or about, preferably, getting her into counseling as well.  You two are both in a major communications rut, which I wish I could say is rare, but it unfortunately is all too common.

You sound like a decent guy.  Spend a little money on a couple of sessions, and I think it will help.  My .02

If you don't tell your SO what you want, need and expect from her then how is she supposed to know?

If you have already talked about these things and she still leaves you hanging then you two have some serious problems that extend beyond sex.

The earlier suggestion of counseling is a good one as it seems that there is a gap in emotional commitment and communication.

I think some women get just as burned out sometimes as men do with the same partner. You need to talk to one another and find out what turns you both on. Then spice it up by taking it up another notch or two. Perhaps there is something you could do physically or mentally that will get her in the mood. Perhaps the physical attraction is not there anymore. There are a lot of reasons why this could be happening to you, and I don't want to presume anything about your relationship. However, I do believe in healthy communication. That means being able to talk about sex with each other without personal feelings becoming too fragile. Be wiling to take constructive criticism and gently give her your opinion on what she could do to please you. A healthy sex drive and life are important, especially if you're sleeping in the same bed.

Good luck & hugs,
Ciara

Not knowing your SO: it is entirely possible that she simply doesn't want to do that (I've known several like this). Has she ever done this? Have you been taking care of hygiene? (I'm not trying to insult you - just trying to make you think).
The other suggestions were excellent! - If you really want to save your marriage and your sex life, please see a counselor (BOTH of you).

If you are going to have this conversation, have it outside the bedroom & at a time when you normally don't have sex.

At least 50% of the married men who hobby, do so because of poor communication skills (on part of both he and she) in their relationship about sex. Betcha!

So essentially, she doesn't communicate to you, and you don't communicate to her, and you're both hoping the other will read the others mind and just, magically, KNOW.

Well, it doesn't work that way. Relationships, and sex, often do not just *happen.* They take WORK.  If I "just laid there" for my sessions, my gents would have a terrible time. Most of them are wayy way wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too shy/timid/scared/nervous to take the lead... if I did not, we'd both just sit there looking at each other.  In a marriage, that kind of communication problem can be sooooooooooooooooooo HORRIBLE. As, obviously, many of you know.

This kind of thing CAN be fixed (not always, methinks, but sometimes!), but it helps if BOTH partners make some type of effort to understand each other and communicate to each other. Like, if she said to you, "I don't give you BJ's because I was raised that nice girls don't do that, and I don't want you to think I'm some wanton slut!" At least then that gives you a starting point to work with. That might not be what she thinks, btw, just an example of what she MIGHT think.

Here are some links about this issue... I mean, really, if you love your wife and value your marraige, this is definitely something worth spending time, and money, on trying to fix.

http://www.marriagepartner.com/
http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap10/
http://marriage.about.com/
http://www.couples-place.com/1ds_articlewk.earlier.asp

In my ideal world, you'd all be bringing your wives with you to see me... *sigh* what fun that would be!!!!  But really, for the most part, I don't believe in monogamy. I'm polyamorous and would never vow to tie myself down to only one man sexually for my entire life. Committing myself to someone is different! (Diff topic, LOL) But if you're taking a vow to be monogamous, you might as well try to make it work as best you can.  And sometimes, in spite of everyone's best efforts, it just WON'T work, no matter what...

BTW, BTW, BTW.... I am not by any means absolving your wife of HER responsibility for taking some type of action and at least trying to talk to you about this... she shares this responsibility. But, obviously, that is not going to happen, so stop waiting for it to.  I think that so many women are all tied up in knots over what society does to us regarding our sexuality, that many of them find it impossible to climb over that barrier inside. So AWFUL what American society does to women!!! (GRRRRRRRR!)  Men have it a bit differently... and if you are here, you've already shown a little bit of moral flexibility that some people do not have, in advance. So hopefully, your mind is more open... which gives both of you a place to start.

Hugs*
Tamara

I guess I have been lucky there, I could always ask wife for anything. I might not get it but I could ask.

Actually the only thing I have been refused was a threesome with an asian lady.

Would have been nice but won't hold that refusal against her.