We often hear of married folks venturing into the hobby world and in time, getting busted "Tiger Woods style" and having the hobby ruin their marriage.  How many hobbyists out there are "happily" married and are able to maintain fairly consistent / frequent hobbying for any extended period of time...?  

Like to hear from the real seasoned veterans in the hobby, and maybe some advice as to how they can keep their family lives and hobbying time apart from each other.

I'll say, if you wife could still have sex with you, don't get in this hobby.

Don't visit one "business location" too often, don't put your cloth on provider's cloth.  Take a lint brush with you.

Just hobby during business hours. Most hosbbysts are married.

I'd be fucking my wife!  Happily married men, don't go in and start getting "pretty" and smelling good in the middle of a Saturday afternoon to go pay someone else for sex!  Happily married men don't own 2 cell phones!  Happily married men don't sit up on a computer at 1:30AM on an escort board typing shit like this, while his nasty wife is laying in bed alone snoring!  And when they do finally do go to bed, happily married men do not find a place to lay on the other side of a queen size mattress as far as possible so as not to touch her....then lay there and think about what it would be like to be happily married, which he is not!!!!

I think you are a very confused person, armed with a boatload of bad information!

Hi, I'm Alantra from MN.  Nice to meet you.  I've been in this business since 1979.  I worked for a few years and then got married, so was out of the business for 20 some years.  Now, I've been back for 7 years, and have a pretty good handle on this "married" life.

Most men stayed married because they are "reasonably" happy.  It's all relative.  There are many reasons why people stay married.  I'm just happy that, if a client wishes to stay married (90% of my clients are married), they can come to me or someone else to meet whatever need that is missing from the life they choose to live in.  

We providers actually help marriages stay together.

My advise to a hobbyist who wants to maintain a marriage and see providers?  

Do Not Get Emotionally Attached.  Know that the provider is "assisting" you in your married life.  She is meeting whatever need you have that is not being met at home.  Period.  

And then, when you are at home in your married world, just know that there is a haven out here.  Lots of us....to "assist" you along your way to stay in the life you choose to live.   No questions, no expectations.  No strings.  

Well, I hope this helps....

Thanks Alantra.  Good Advice. And you are dead on.  Keep it simple is what I say.  I'm married now for 25 years.  In the hobby for 15 years.  I'm lead a full and normal and healthy life on all fronts.  I think it is important to know where and what the boundaries are. I'm a man who requires a great deal of attention.  More than any one women can provide and I've found the hobby is a reasonable way of resolving this.  I don't visit random providers.  I have a select few to keep things exciting.  Hard part is keeping the "no strings attached" boundary in place because as a caring human you naturally find your self "attached" to your provider. Just keep it simple and all will work out.

The more suspicious your wife is, the harder it will be.

Some quick items:

1.  Find a way to draw off cash on a regular basis so the wife doesnt notice big withdrawals.

2.  Find a time to disappear that doesn't arouse suspicions.

3.  Watch for those hairs on your clothes, and request unscented sessions.  Shower with unscented soaps or use your regular soap.  Women have a much keener sense of smell then men do.

4.  Keep that hobby trak phone well hidden (And that does not mean in the glove compartment.)

5.  Cover the paper trail well.  Use a credit card whose statements go to your office or a PO Box.

Some research on the Newbie Board and the Newbie Manual can help to fill in the rest.

Divorce is no fun, I can attest to that personally.

Are you serious????  The ladies replace our need for sex or comfort or both -- two pretty essential components of a happy marriage, don't you think?

I've been married for 34 yrs.  Never slept with anyone else for the lst 32. Then zippo. Nada. Nothing.  So I enter the hobby thinking I'm looking to replace the sex....

Wrong!!!  I thought I was looking just to replace the sex, but it was really the relationship I was missing.

So, why would any happily married man pay for what he can get for free? Why would he jeopardize his happiness...unless of course, it never existed in the first place.

I love my wife.  I don't want to be married to anyone else.  We're very happy together  BUT...I want more intimacy than she does.  She knows nothing about my hobbying activities and she never will.  

As I stated in a similar thread, I've been hobbying for about 12 years and have met some splendid, beautiful women but when it comes to home and hearth, she's the one.  We have kids and grandkids.  Why would I want to jeopardize that?  Answer:  I don't.  That's why I'm very careful.

I wouldn't go so far as to say providers are therapists when it comes to helping men with their marriages.  BUT.... What providers do is provide, for a fee, something that would put us at tremendous risk were we to seek remedy in casual sex and affairs.

Alantra from MN is correct in one thing.  Do not get emotionally involved.  The provider won't. If you do get emotionally involved THEN you might have a real problem on your hands.

Guys who get caught are incredibly wreckless and careless.  There is no way we should ever be caught and it should stay that way.  

Many providers claim they won't see you without  verification...BULL SHIT!  I've never had trouble seeing providers when the need arises.  Much of what gets written here is cyberspace enhanced fantasy.  There are hundreds, if not thousands of providers out there who do not demand all that private information.

Guys get caught because they're careless.  I've been doing it for over ten years and nobody in my family has an inkling about it.

My best friend of 58 years knows nothing about my hobby activities.  When it comes to the hobby, secrets, discretion, etc... the best solution is to keep your fuckin' mouth shut.  It's a secret that should go with you to your grave.

Perhaps you are taking your own situation and assuming it must be that way for everyone else. Alternatively, you could be conjuring up the first thing that comes to mind, some stereotype about a fat ugly woman in curlers and a mud mask while the hapless man has no recourse but to stray.

I personally have not gotten into this "hobby" (which is a funny euphemism ) but I am here looking and I would consider myself happily married to a great woman.  For whatever reason, be it genetics or human nature or a biological imperative for men to try and "spread their seed" ... I have a desire for something my wife simply is incapable of providing.  Nor would I want it from her.  

Now, I can choose to simply suppress that desire as i have done so far, or I can act on it.  We'll see what i decide.

As another said, don't know if you were describing yourself of you think you are describing the "typical" married guy.  It sure doesn't apply to every married guy.

I know too many who got into this because of major medical/physical problems thier wives have that prevent full sex.  You'd be surprised at how mant of those wives are the ones who nudged the husbands in this direction.

Because a guy seeks sex here doesn't imply the marriage is bad.

Never mentioned fat, in fact it's the opposite.  Never mentioned a mudpack....never seen her use one.
However I do always enjoy the "genetics" approach!  As if it is inborn and the need to stray is a biological one, and not a mental problem.  Like fat people who have an "eating disease"!  Humans are born with few to no basic instincts.  Every thing is taught and/or learned.
Your "spread the seed" theory is complete bullshit!

So what is wrong with this "great lady that you would "not want from her".  Or is it the fact that it is something so insanely freakish that you know there is no way she will do it.

I can only say that in days past, when I felt that I was happily married to a great woman, I felt NO need to look else where.  Those days are long gone, and now the only thing left is a piece of paper stating she will have a much better life than I will should I choose to leave!

In your case, with the "need to seed"  and wanting something byt NOT form the "great woman you are so happy with"  I can only envision you in this manner..............

The only part I'll partially disagree with is the verification.  I won't see any provider who does not verify, but verification is not the same as giving personal info.  I've seen a lot of women here but never once given my name or employment info at any of them to get a date.

A few know that info now, but only after we knew each other and developed trust.  I've gotten a lot more women's real names & addresses than have ever gotten mine.

but are the first to spew your worthless toxic waste all over the board.  If a guy seeks sex and the marriage is NOT bad, then the problem lies with the guy.  That "spread the seed" mentality is crap.  Sex is also NOT a physical need, it is a mental desire.  I surpressed it for years, until I was absolutely sure the shop was closed for good!
I really don't care why any married guy gets in the hobby.  I'm just saying, don't try to justify it by saying you are happily married with the only woman you'll ever love, because of a biological NEED to spread the seed!!!
Either admit the marriage is NOT all that great, or that you have a problem controlling your libido, Don't hide behind some non existant "need"!

I made NO comment that your experience is or is not real.  I only know what I've seen and experienced and never claimed anything else.  I pointed out there are other realities that apply to other people.  What's so hard for you to accept? That someone else's life might not be as miserable as yours?  I'm sorry your's is as bad as you make it sound but quit trying to project your misery on others.

Why do you have to beleve everyone else is supposed to think like you, feel like you, have your sense of right and wrong?

Since you seem as rigid in your thinking as any other zealot or true believer I'm not surprised you fall right back into name calling.  That sure strengthens your argument, doesn't it.

Married 17 years, hobbying 10 years.
Happily married to my best friend. And I mean it - even if we were not married, we would be friends.

No lack of intimacy at home. My wife loves to fu*k me, and wishes we would fu*k more often. I however sometimes get bored with the same person and want variety, which is why I hobby.

1. No hobby phone - don't want something else I have to keep track of and hide, and if found I couldn't explain it.
2. My cell phone is MY cell phone - never lent to my wife, never used by my wife. She knows to leave it alone.
3. Only hobby when my absence can be explained. Either she is away for several hours, or I am out of town. I never lie with "going to play golf," and then hobby instead - too easy to get tripped up. What if my golf buddy calls home looking for me?
4. Don't hobby so often that it affects household finances. $200-$300 is a lot of money for most people. Doing that 4 times a month is financial suicide.
5. My personal choice - I usually forego full-service in favor of massage appointments. In my (warped) brain it lets me keep actual "penetration" at home with the wife. That being said I have done many FS sessions, but massage sessions outweigh my FS sessions probably 10 to 1. Please why pay for FS with a condom, when I can get BBFS at home?

That's all I can think of now...

-- Modified on 6/5/2010 9:59:51 AM

"some non existant 'need.'" Though, I don't know where you get that. Maslow talks about the Hierarchy of Needs." That concept or construct is pretty well accepted. But, I'll stand in the bright light, not hide behind, in my admission to a "drive." More, specifically a "sex drive." I'm certain that concept, also, is very well supported in scientific research. Some men love their wives very deeply, and love no other woman more than her. But, because of physical or emotional reasons she will not or can not participate in sex. So, in the man's view, the marriage isn't perfect, but can be experienced by him as a "good marriage." Often, a man seeks out a provider as the best approach, in his mind, to balance his desire to keep his marriage intact, while also, addressing his sex drive.

psychological need, a sex drive.  I have no problem with that.  What I am saying is that is only what it is....a psychological drive, NOT a biological need (ie. food, water, air, etc.)  Too many confuse the two, as a biological "need" to "spread the seed".  Maslow is only one in dozens of various psychologists with various theories.  Each practioner chooses which to follow, and his approach to any psychological problem and it's treatment is based on which he chooses to believe, and follow.
I'm not passing moral judgement on any man that wishes to seek sex outside of marriage...that would make me quite the hypocrite!  I am also not, as above posts have accused, assuming that my stinking situation is in any way similar to others.  My decision to stay in this situation is purely for economic survival, and to allow the ability to fulfil a "desire" that was stolen way too early in life.
What I am saying is that it is tiring listening to guys talk about their great marriages, to the only woman they'll ever love, an absolutely great lady....but....I must seek providers as the biological need for more, or varied sexual activity must be quenched.  If that were the case, the eunics used during the egyptian, and roman eras, to take care of high ranking females, would have died as they would if starved or suffocated! They didn't.  No testosterone, no urge. Not a biological need, the testosterone plays on the brain to trigger a psychogical desire...the sex drive!

All I was basically trying to say is that humans can live without sex, though most besides certain religious sects (buddist monks, a few catholic priests lol, etc) choose not to.
I am one who chooses not to.  Key word "chooses"!
I will now leave my soapbox for the duration of this thread!

And, I can't really argue with your reasoning. And, though I know it wouldn't kill me, I think it would impact my quality of life to such a great extent that I'd rather die than go without having sex. Just my personal choice

thanks for sharing!  this is close to my position as well, and it's encouraging to see that there are married folks who can hobby on the side (for whatever personal reason) and can still maintain a marriage.  Discretion is key, and appreciate all the advice.

Great advice, and I'm encouraged to hear that there are people like you out there that are in the same position I'm at --- We recognize the importance of  keeping family life and hobbying COMPLETELY separate.

A secret to go to the grave with, I completely agree!  and all I wanted to hear was from people like yourself to confirm that it CAN be done...

Most often, we hear of marriages breaking apart due to the spouse discovering or uncovering the hobby tracks, but wanted some reassurance that if one follows careful procedures and covers one's tracks, that this secret can remain just that, a lifetime secret.

Thanks!

-- Modified on 6/5/2010 1:09:04 PM

Always with great insight mrfisher, thanks for sharing some of your suggestions, all very well written.  your experience and willingness to share / teach is appreciated.  thanks!

-- Modified on 6/5/2010 1:09:31 PM

It also happens to be mine!!!!  LOL

Everything else falls in place. Kidding aside,  first and foremost, have developed personal space in your life? share your Cell Phone, your SO asks who called you whenever the phone rings, you have never worked with women pr women never calls you, you never had platonic relationship with another women, you only have a joint bank account and you are on a stipend, you are blabber mouth and have told your SO everything s/he needs to doesn't know, you believe having things in common means blabbering, you have do everything together.

If answer yes to two or more, you are SOL. Get a divorce before entering the hobby otherwise, you will end up there anyway.

Hard to see why you're in an unhappy marriage...

In any case Mr Tabula Rasa, you've managed to miss the point completely.  I'm guessing you have no children?  While certain things are learned, many personality traits are indeed innate and genetic.  The spread the seed theory may indeed be bullshit, I'm not claiming to know.  Since I've little hope your reading skills have improved over the past few hours I'll leave it at that for you to ponder.

And oh how horrible that you are trapped in this financial trap of hers.  It must be difficult for you, having to go out there and "hobby".  You sir are a hero to us all.  A great man who didnt even look directly at other women much less stray.  A man who did his best and was left with no choice, forced!  into this existence.  Not like my horrible rationalizations, yours is true and just.