Looking For Your Advice

First let me say this was not an easy posting to write and hence why I used the alias.  I have been in the hobby for many years now.  In all those years have always been able to keep the relationship between the provider and myself to a professional level.  Meaning I have fun with no emotional attachment.

Over half a year ago I was looking through CL.  I came across an ad from a young lady looking for a sugar daddy.  Single, no kids and just looking for some help.  She is not what I would call a provider.  Going to school during the day and waiting tables at night.  We see each other once a week or more and have gone away together.  Just to be clear there is not always a donation-taking place when we meet, but more of a weekly donation.

Slowly over time I have become emotional evolved.  The feeling can’t be described but it’s a feeling I like but kind of hurts at the same time.  I’m the type of person who is in control of my emotions and feelings.  I really love this girl and can’t stop thinking about her day or night.  Is this lust or love, who knows?  I’m a decent looking guy and have dated a lot before getting married and never felt like this before.  I’m ready to get divorced for her!

So you may be asking what are her feelings for me?  Good question!!!!!
She says she cares about me, is not dating or seeing anyone else.  Also has told me this has turned into something very nice and not what she expected.  Would never think about posting on CL ever again and can’t even imagined how she did in the first place.  Is very clear about wanting to pursue her career and that needs to come first.  I understand and can relate to what she is saying.  At the same time we always have a great time together, whether it’s dinner, drinks or going away.  I do consider myself street smart and know when I’m being played.  I’m I just blinded by emotion or could something really be going on.

So my fellow TER friends…. What’s your advice???

A women's point of view would be very insightful.

the Love Goddess.

The cynics who have been spurned will tell you to run very fast in the other direction and the romantics will tell you to go for it. Look at it this way...do you feel taken advantage of? Is the situation equal in feelings? Are you getting your needs met both emotionally and physically? Is your little head doing all the thinking for you?

Really, you will do what you feel/think is right and the only opinion you should listen to is your gut. Good luck and I hope this works out whatever way you choose to go.

My experience wasn't quite like yours, but close enough. I tried to help a girl that was having
financial problems, the more I gave, the more she wanted, and the less she wanted to do with me. I say give it up and move on.

These situations are, of course, very complicated; and the brief description of the situation that you have penned here is not even adequate to introduce all the main themes that need to be addressed.

That said, the first thing that comes to my mind is this:

Why not leave well enough alone and contiue to see her weekly?

You might find that what you find very tasty once a week becomes sour in bigger doses.

Now get on the blower to The Love Goddess chop, chop.

Proceed with caution.  What I think you are saying is that you have fallen for this gal and are willing to throw away your marriage of so many years.  As others have said, the Love Goddess should be able to help you.  Good luck!

What you have my dear is a mistress.

A girl you take care of who in turn takes care of you, and you both enjoy the other's company.

So what's wrong with that?  But it seems she's expressed that she's not really interested in something deeper or permenant.

But that doesn't mean you can't love/lust her.  But remember love transcends sex.  I love my lover, but I have sex with lots of people.

Don't divorce your wife (big bad mistake).

I'd say keep helping her out if she needs and appreciates it and enjoys your company and enjoy the ride while it lasts.

And like the old job saying, "you were looking for a hook up when you found this one."

Best wishes,
TS Jamie

...who is not a licensed sex therapist nor trying to take LG's job...  

-- Modified on 12/16/2007 8:22:22 PM

You join the club of guys and providers who have been cool and in control of their emotions all through the hobby, till one day that they fall for  someone and become emotional wrecks. It's better if they both feel that way simultaneously, but it can still be difficult.

It's not true of this one: IMO-- GET OUT OF DODGE. YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE TAKEN TO THE CLEANERS and/or both of you are going to create a tragedy. Once you get out the door, see about a half-dozen or more different GFE providers to try to treat yourself of the emotions taking you over. You might want to see a therapist too.  

What stands out as hazardous in your description of her is that she says it's very nice and not what she expected: what horrible experience did she expect from a sugar-daddy?  A cynicism about guys in general that gives her emotional justification for turning mean. Other things you paraphrase from her might sound encouraging to you, like her being frank that her needs and career come first, but they sound to me like honest disclaimers. "Leave your wife after I tell you this and you and I have no responsibility for what you get or how much you lose."

About her not advertising on Craigslist ever again: wow! If she considers it to have been beneath her, what does she really feel then,  about the guy who answered her? It's not encouraging. I can't feel too much respect for a woman who does a providers job and then claims that it's below her!

Her "caring" could mean a lot of things, including the caring you have whether a guy you glance at on the street-corner doesn't get hit by a bus. I'm sure she prefers you alive. Again, this is not encouraging, here. For the emotions you have, you need something better.

You feel pain along with the affection you have: it might be a few things, but I tend to think that it's that your emotional needs aren't getting met, but they are being teased. Stay with her, and you will feel driven to alter the relationship into something else that meets your needs. It won't work. Not only that, despite yourself, it can turn violent.  

You are in love with her and she "cares for you." Enough said ...

A part-time relationship with little complications can be quite appealing compared to a full-time relationship with all the baggage.

Are you 10+ years her senior? Too many questions you would have to answer before we would have any idea if your relationship would have a chance over the long-term. The problem is: you have to risk your current relationship to find out if the grass is greener.

You are far too gone for advice. Whether you divorce  is a moot point; you've already emotionally checked out of the relationship. What I would do is to back off of her for a minute and find out how sincere she is with making a new life/career... If she is motivated and only needs some financial support then your choice is do it or just walk away. As for what she's getting from you and whether it is meaningful can only be solved in time. All else is speculation on your part and will take you down so pathways that even you can't know whether it's real or something you just are imagining.

You have to have a long, deep, meaningful discussion with her about all this before making any decisions.

b-

these kinds of powerful attractions arise when we see something in the other person that we need to bring forth in our own personality. Unfortunately, when we've done that the reason for the attraction fades and we're left with a person who now gets on our nerves.

Try to identify what it is in your own personality that this young woman is bringing out and learn to work on that without her. Then you can better find out whether the attraction is 'wholesome' or whether it'll fade with familiarity. I think you also need someone you can talk to; maybe LG can recommend someone in your area.

Good luck

It sounds as if your business arrangement has worked out well over the past 6 months.  However, wanting to move your relationship/arrangement to another level could be problematic.  As you stated you are ready to divorce your wife.  

However, you must prepare yourself for the likelihood that your companion may not feel the same way.  In order to find out you must put yourself in the vulnerable position.  This is where you'll be entering the danger zone.  You will most likely be risking what you have today for something that could be better tomorrow.  Or, like a house of cards your good situation of today could also be lost.

You must analyze want you really want.  Once you know that answer it is simply a matter of risk vs reward.

While age difference is not necessarily a major issue I would be interested to know both your ages.

  Do you have children? Are they of age? Prior to finding yourself caught up in this, did you love your wife? Do you still love your wife? Other than school and waiting tables how does she spend her time when not with you?

  Roughly what percentage of her income do you provide? Has she expressed any feelings about your family situation? If so can you give us an idea of her feelings?

 Assuming you were to get divorced and your wife takes 50% of all assets, keeps the house (you get the payments), and you are required to pay child support can you still afford to help out your sugar baby?

  Seems like a lot to ask, but without more info its hard to give you meaningful advice. But I can offer you an observation:

  If you end up in a divorce, this relationship is sure to come out. She can and probably will be subpoenaed. This will increase the stress on your relationship to an almost unbelievable degree. The funds that you "diverted" for this purpose will also be an issue.

-J

The softening of the American male.  God dammit why are all these men falling all over themselves for  the new girl.  yeah so what she sucked your dick. So does your wife and she has to put up with your stupid ass day in and day out.  there are an aweful lot of pussies on TER lately. Like I told the lastguy who asked this question.  stop acting like a girl.  f your emotions and get a grip on yourself.      If getting in touch with my emotions means I fall for random girls I screw I can do without my emotions.

seeing someone regularly and being with them all the time. The relationship you currently have is one of convenience.

The real ques ion is how would it change if you were obligated to come home every night to this lady instead of your wife.

How long would it take for you to possibly have the same feelings toward her that you now have toward your spouse ... and then be looking for a new girlfriend, again?

She advertised looking for a sugar daddy.  You responded hoping to be something else- a boyfriend.  She found what she wanted, but you didn't, even though you've slowly tried to turn it into a relationship and kid yourself that it's something that it's not.  Relationships aren't based on her being young, attractive and needy, and you being lonely in your marriage (my assumption) and paying her bills, regardless of what you want to call it.

You've made her life easy, so of course she's grown to care about you.  I'd care about you too if you gave me free money- and I'm a guy!  But you already know the answer to your qusetion and it's why you feel conflicted and are experiencing an uneasy feeling of pain mixed in with the pleasure.  You are chasing an emotional mirage.

I hate to be blunt with someone who has clearly invested emotions in this "relationship," but to even consider getting divorced for this woman shows you've lost your objectivity and need to get a dose of reality back into your dealings with her.

I was married for 12 years and know the feeling of seeing women all around you that seem to be all the things you want and that your wife is not.  But it's total fantasy of your own creation.

If you don't believe me, perform this little test.  Tell this woman that you're ready to take your "relationship" to the next level and aren't going to continue to give her cash because that's the role of a sugar daddy, not a boyfriend.  Tell her that you're ready to divorce your wife and marry her.  Then five minutes later, when she has suddenly lost her feelings for you, post again on TER and tell us how close you came to ruining your life by projejcting your emotional needs onto someone who didn't share them.   But don't beat yourself up too badly, we're all in control of our emotions- right up until the point where we aren't!

-- Modified on 12/17/2007 1:45:57 PM