...you've had some expiernce here and there with the Dom/Sub roles. You're comfortable with it..enough to take a session as someone's sub. This is a seasoned hobbyist who boasts great knowledge in being a Dom and alpha male. He has quite a few reviews under his belt and talks you through safe words and comfortability...etc. He seems like he knows what he's doing.  

You get there only to observe that he in fact is a lousy Dom..he's trying to stick toys in you without putting condoms over them..he's murdering your sensitive spots with high powered vibrators...the knots in the rope are horribly painful and are leaving marks..obviously the session isn't going to get better..  

what do you do? Take the abuse because he obviously doesn't know how to use toys?  Or yell your safe word every 15 seconds

unfortunately, there are men who think they are amazing doms but being dom does not necessarily equal inflicting pai

And they find themselves trying too hard...I don't consider myself a Dom as I'm very mild in comparison. But I'm very respectful and I know my/our limitation. Young lady should have call a "Time out" and let's go over the rules..AGAIN and if it it ain't working then call it a day.

-- Modified on 3/19/2016 4:47:15 PM

Who is it?

You should deff let other women know with this kind of behavior. I hope you're ok.

G xo

You've gotta go with your gut feeling. I've no experience with your particulars but my golf coach honed into me what I think might help. "When you think you've decided how to play it, yet the putt, or the shot, "just doesn't feel/seem right to you, step away...,  look again. You gotta be comfortable with your decision.

who deserves the same .... x2. Not a vindictive person, but guys that abuse women are at the bottom of my list ... and no stupid replies about child molesters and murderers please being worse. DUH

He wasn't trying to be malicious, I think... Just not very aware.

In the future you may want to consider not letting anyone restrain you on the first date. I require some trust for that. Or use cuffs you can release. There are many men that do not understand how women's bodies work. They get too excited and too rough, too quick. They think fast and hard is the road to our pleasure ! I would have a conversation first. Set boundaries and desires amd build some trust befor we rope comes out. Being domI nated is now about the build up and the vhead game to me and that involves trust. Be safe sweetheart.

I wouldn't feel comfortable saying...however, I have a new rule when accepting fetish calls such as those. I will literally have to speak to another provider who can vouch that the guy plays clean and safely. That he understands limits and that he's not a brute. Hopefullly, other providers will be somewhat forth coming with that info.

It was lousy but I have to clarify. I wasn't abused or anything. Unfortunately, I had to stop him a little more often then he would have cared for.. But in his mind, I was calling my safe word because I had reached my limit.. But in reality.. I was calling my safe word, because he had no idea what he was doing and non of it was enjoyable. Just really freaking annoying. You know when someone is like...murdering your poor little clit and all you can think about is how much it's going to irritate the next day?  

Ugh.. I was super excited too. I'm thinking.. If someone wants to be my Dom..It would have to be reserved for a future date..not an initial date.

Unfortunately, with that kind of behavior, I think you have no choice but to safe word out of any D/s play altogether. If he wants to learn something, OK, but I doubt he would be the type to take any direction because he knows it all already.

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I really do not even know what it is.  

If it requires a "safe" word to stop what the other is doing.
Just not me.

You're pretty ok at what you do sir... Please don't change a thing 😜

who cares if he thinks you've reached your limit or not?  if it's uncomfortable for you (ie painful or mark=inducing) it's your right to use the safe word.

then (gently, i might add) tell him exactly why..."that knot is could be tied in another way that doesn't leave a mark..." "i'm not comfortable with toys without condoms in my body..." etc etc.

and really, even it it's only your limits of annoyance, you really HAVE reached your limit.

remember power comes from below.  as i understand it (and i'm not versed at all in bdsm, i only know what i've seen on boards such as these) the dom/domme's primary responsibility to to take care of the sub.

you are probably right in thinking you should save any bdsm for future dates, not first dates.  tho there was no s/m involved, i turned a date with one of my atf's around...after a few dates, she did the naughty nurse giving me the patient instructions on how to relax...he he he... but for the next date i asked for the nurse again, but brought a doctor's lab coat and became her supervising instructor (she wasn't expecting it all).  she was put in the subordinate position and had to take orders from me.  

it got her so wet she was literally dripping on me as we played.  but, she trusted me, as it was our 4th or 5th date together.

trust, as i understand it, is a huge part of the safety of this kind of play.  unless someone is professional (and i mean it in the literal, getting paid for it, sense of the word) you shouldn't submit to them until getting to know them after a few sessions.

does that advice help  you get it in the hole?

My heart goes out to you!  I've been there personally, more then once.

I have learned over time to set the guidelines before we start to play - condom on toys is a #1 concern, as is safe bondage.  But once you are in the middle of things and they start to go sideways, it can be a real challenge to set things straight without killing the fantasy for the guy.  

I've had the best success just speaking up in my most calm, normal, not-playtime voice, saying things like "Condoms on anything inside of me, please" - or - "No marks, please".  It seems to pause the "scene" temporarily, and once the problem is corrected playtime happily resumes.  

The consequences for not speaking up can be pretty huge - I mean, who wants to end up at the GYN with a pussy problem?  You are #1, girl!

xo - MiMi

How about yelling the safe word once, (maybe twice if you want to give him a second chance) and then calling the whole thing off, as in "Sorry this just isn't working!" Then just switch to vanilla sex or end the date. Or switch roles and make him the sub.

Then say...oh excuse me, please continue.

The money is what makes it tricky - otherwise - assuming he's not a maniac - the stop word will work and you can terminate the session.   In fact, that's how a safe word is supposed to work.  There's usually a caution word (e.g. "Yellow") before you get to STOP word (e.g. "Red").  And the STOP word is supposed to mean STOP.   In other words, session over!  You get untied - DONE.  In a civvy type thing - that would (or SHOULD) really be it for the evening.

You really do need to wind it up rather than continue because the dynamic is just going to get worse - you two are just not compatible.   Some subs are into masochism and abuse - you aren't.   You are apparently willing to do sensual submission.  You are willing to let him tease you and restrain you as long as he does it in a way that you find acceptable - or basically on your terms.  You want to top from the bottom - that's perfectly OK - I occasionally indulge ladies who are into that...

BUT that apparently isn't what he's into...   Unfortunately, he's apparently into control and inflicting pain is a way of gaining control.   The knots are a dead give away.... they are tied that way for a purpose....  You just aren't going to get along.   You are trying to top from the bottom - and he's not interested - especially if he REALLY is an alpha dom.   In fact, he might take the "top from the bottom" thing as a deliberate challenge.  In other words - from your description, the two of you have a very different expectation of the session.   You are assuming incompetence - and that may not be accurate.  He may have made an assumption about the session which was not accurate.

On top of that problem - since there is money involved AND you want to keep all that money -   It's just not going to be a good situation.   I can't tell what's appropriate - but I can predict that the outcome is not going to be mutually satisfactory...

In order to avoid the situation to begin with - you really need to get to know somebody over a session or two before you let them tie you up and have their way with you - especially since you really don't seem to be a pro-sub and from your description, you really aren't all that submissive to begin with.   Further, next time, (if there is one), let the guy know upfront that you are not a masochist and what you are up for is some gentle teasing and service submission rather than full bore S&M.  Go over the toy protocols with him since that is important to you.  

That said, you might want to really rethink offering this as a service to begin with....

BTW as a suggestion - you ought to be using your toys that only have been used on you..   That way, you won't need to worry about HIS competence and diligence in putting on the covers and keeping YOU safe....

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I personally rather be the Dom than a submissive because I like to be in control of the situation. I hope you don't see that guy again, what a punk he is.

I've done it a couple of times before but it was with people that I've gotten comfortable with. And it was enjoyable. I could literally for once..stop thinking and allow someone else to ravage me. But you're absolutely right in me not being a pro-sub and engaging in something like that with a person I just met was reckless. We did talk a bit and from our conversation I thought we were on the same page. You're also right about me not being a complete sub. I like being in control when I'm with women..which is why i could feel that he wasn't doing a very good job in being in charge of me.  
I didn't continue the session with him because of the money. That's one rule i set for myself from the very beginning. I won't comprise myself for cash. And that's not me being proud..that's me making sure I can sleep at night.  

I can't wait to try it again..but at least this experience has shown me what to look out for. I appreciate your insight. Didn't realize that I was trying to control the situation from the bottom.

You'll be my little bitch.

After we take care of the donation/greeting/safe word, I'll excuse myself to shower. When I come back in the room it's "game on".  

You should understand at the moment I catch your gaze afterward until our session is done that I will take complete care of you, but that comes at a price. You must focus on being a "good girl" for me, or pay the consequences (the discipline is always more mental/emotional than physical). You are my toy, period! You must understand that and submit to that or you will be inflicted with the punishment your indiscretion deserves (of course within the boundaries of the respected safe word, and I would expect that you push your envelope).

It's only fun and sexy if you play the part emphatically, I or any other dom has no desire to hurt you physically or emotionally. What we are looking for is for you to submit control, that will make you cum buckets when you "give it up" and clear your mind and focus on being a good little bitch.

I had an amazing lady who I've wanted to see for quite some time decline a date with me because she said that she isn't a submissive, I respect that, her attention to detail and honesty is impressive, even though I'm only wanting to be a dom on dates with whom the lady specifies that she plays that way (not nearly every date I schedule).

Ahhhhh 😝 u made me blush

I have had a lot of experience with subs and very seldom was one  a provider.  I have over the years regular seen 4 domme providers.  I have also played with a number of amateur dommes one of whom was the best domme play mate I have every known..  But the subs I have seen were almost always amateurs.  I guess each BDSM relationship may be different, but as a dom I felt responsible for the sub's satisfaction and enjoyment.  I worried about pushing far enough but not too far.  I remember one sub who was really into pain (much more than i really like to inflict) but I had to be very careful the buckles of the restraints she loved did not pinch as this detracted rather than added.  Since in my experience the dom(me) is responsible for the quality of the experience, and since the provider is really there to provide, the domme role would be a more natural one for the provider.  I know there are providers willing to be booked as subs and they seem very successful, it just seems this is a more delicate arrangement.

Got punched in the face and I got an ugly review.  I am so sorry that happened to you.  I'd make a phone call to one of the lady lovin good Ole boys if I were you.  😡

I'm sorry, but if someone is putting dents into my body, and making my prime asset (vagina) unusable, he's demoted back to GFE and he'll become my sub at that point. Or he can get the fuck out.

But i don't play sub roles, and this is exactly why. I'd be pissed!

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you scream your safe word........then a very brief, but pointed conversation to bring this idiot back to reality.

He could be oblivious.  I have never done things like this, but I had a lady once who never let me know things were wrong and was encouraging me on to find out afterwords that she wasn't too happy about it.  Men are not mind readers.  You have to say something or show something.  Yes guys don't like to hear "no" but I personally would prefer the lady let me know if she is not comfortable with something rather than me over worry about it the whole time.  He might of thought he knew more than he did or he might of been full of shit.  I would think it would be better not to do these sorts of things with someone you do not know.  The safe word is there for a reason, use it.  You might not want to do these activities with people you have never met.

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I feel the same. It takes familiarity and being extremely comfortable with an established client to try this, I think. Sounds awfully painful for few hundred bucks. Not worth it...

Taught me toespecially when chipping & putting. It's also useful for longer shots.