I want to quit the hobby for all the standard reasons (guilt, problems it is causing in my relationship, etc.) but find it harder than I expected.  Some time ago I remember a post from somebody regarding a support group or something similar for wants wanting to quit.  I can't find the post.  If anybody remembers the post or has other helpful information (other than to join SA) please advice.  Thanks.  [email protected]

I'm not sure of the thread you are referring to, but I can provide you with the generalized 'psychobabble'

You need to figure out exactly what it is that visiting with ladies is providing you.  Yes, we all know the obvious answer, but it almost aways runs much deeper than that.  Is it a need to try new things?  Is it the ability to share your thoughts and feelings without thinking you may be judged.  Do you talk to the ladies about things (work, feelings, friends, or anything else) that you may not feel comfortable discussing with anybody else?  Is it the nurturing and undevided attention to your needs?  Romance?  The excitement of doing something taboo, and the adrenaline rush that comes along with it?  The reasons are as many and as varied as the individual.  So you need to figure out what it is for you.

Now the hard part.  You need to find suitable alternative to meet these needs.  Some of the reasons you visit with ladies are simply wants.  It just makes things easier (though not in the long run if you are experiencing guilt and troubles in your marriage).  Prioritize what your needs and wants are, and work your way down the list.  Discuss your needs with your wife, and let her know how important it is for you to have these things.  Don't say something general like "I'm a guy, I need these things".  Tell her that you feel closer to her if she would do xyz.  Let her know that you feel insecure or less manly when she doesn't allow you to speak openly.  Just let her know exactly how and why you feel the way you do.  

Find out what things she is needing and not getting.  A little give and take will go a long way.  Bring the romance back into your marriage.  Bring the sexiness back into your marriage.  Rent a limo for a few hours, and utilize the privacy screen.  Buy some books on relationships and sex, and read them together.  It may be the easiest way to bring up some things you would like here to incorporate, without giving away how you actually came accross them.

If you still feel you can't discuss things with your wife, perhaps you should consider couples councelling.  Communication is really the key to any healthy relationship and good sex life.  

I really wish you the best in moving forward with your own relationship.  You can do whatever you set your mind to.  "Hobbying" isn't really addictive, it is just convenient.  It will take a lot of effort, but once you begin to focus on your communication, and your relationship, things will fall together.

Best wishes!

Ok...when the urge hits to see a provider stand up take your penis out and place it in a doorframe.....slam the door as hard as you can.....trust me the urge will go away quite soon
sham

There are 12 step programs for sex addicts.  If this isn't the issue for you, you probably should see a sex therapist or a marriage coounceler.  PM me if this interests you and I can point you to some websites.

..and I will make sure you won't be able to afford it.

out with getting a 12 step book, sort of a general 12 steps to changing an addictive behavior pattern. This may help get your mindset in order.

One trick that helped me out a while back when trying to cut back (i wanted to quit but knew realistically i wasn't ready)was that whenever I found myself ready to book an appointment I would immediately take the amount of money equal to the donation at hand and put it into my mutual fund/IRA(very easy if you have electronic banking).  Sounds silly, I know, but it helped cut back on the impulsive appointments since my checking account was getting hit twice for the appointment.

Uhm....I think you 'barking up the wrong tree'.  Honestly, I doubt you will get good advice here.  Sure, assess your reasons for wanting to quit (guilt, religion, both, whatever).  Stop coming to TER which just oozes with temptation.  GO home, turn off the TV and seduce your SO.  
I had a friend who drank himself silly - it worked--but then he had to go to AA.  Good luck?

It's like walking into a crack house and announcing you want to get off drugs.

If you really want to quit, stop coming to this board.  Find a 12 step program.  Don't know where to look?  Ask a local religious leader.

You don't want to quit and why should you. You have the right to variety as every man or woman has. Though I agree, if you see woman so frequently that you forget what it's like to be with your wife, that poses a problem.

I think your problems have nothing to do with the business. Actually, some might say you had issues previous that lead you to door # cheat. So why don't you make a weekly to do list and remember to include a kind deed or two for your wife. Spend some time on it. It could open the door for communication. And a sexy screw doesn't hurt every once in a while.


-- Modified on 10/21/2003 12:52:12 AM

After reading AngelOfSurrey's post I'm depressed.  Never wanted to quit the hobby before but after all that good advise maybe I should.  Girls what do you think?

-- Modified on 10/21/2003 10:09:09 AM

Why don't you do what I have done. Go find out yourself some of the loveliest ladies one could ever see in all their years. Like you vote in Chicago, go back early and often, too! Soon, you will be broke and then it will be no problem!!

Holy Cow.......AngelOfSurrey, that is an EXCELLENT assessment on reasons why people frequent this hobby (other than the obvious).  As with so much else in life, there is a lot to be explored that lies in between one's ears.

*Sexaholics Anonymous*, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, etc.

* my recommendation

These CAN work for you but you will likely find this will take a lot of work and committment.  Your new life free from addiction will be the greatest gift you have ever experienced.  You will also find out that you are not alone, in case you feel that way.

and they will have dozens of ways for you to stop. Kind'a makes religion somewhat unattractive to me. I often wonder if Satan worship is as judgmentle as Judao-Christian teachings.

Not all religious leaders hate sex outside of marriage.

But most, if not all, of them do know about the availability of programs to help addicts.

My thanks to all of you made constructive suggestions.  Especially to Angel of Surry, for those very insightful comments.  If there an email address I can send you some background information I'd appreciate any insight you might have, since my shrink seems clueless regarding a couple of things I feel I need to understand better to move forward. (They concern what started me hobbying, intimatcy problems my wife faces, and her refusal to join me in counseling.)  

To those who suggested I tell me wife:  she knows.  I tried joining a group, but it was composed of guys who had never been in a fulltime relationsiop as well as a lot of pedofiles and rapists.  It seemed their problems and mine were miles apart.

Thanks.
[email protected]