Are you fazed by what people say or think about you, or are you able to shrug it off and get along in your own skin?

The attached link may add some insight and put into perspective your own behavior when discussions boards don’t go smoothly or offer that warm and fuzzy feeling; particularly, to attention seekers with nothing original to add or humor except to become the butt end of jokes and get a reputation for it, then wondering why they’re made fun of and can’t get agreement? Also, there’s the occasional target of a joke where there is no rhyme or reason except to do it out of spite (full of nonsense) or any other tangent that these threads can spiral into to and get off topic…but then again, is the topic is worth discussing in the first place?...but then again, what can be more entertaining than a well placed joke or reprimand in response to a ridiculous or foolish thread!?

I’ll point out numbers 2, 7 and 8 in the article as valid, with number 7 when even an hour session with an escort may not become love with an emotional attachment (although there are some who post falling for a provider in a very short time) but at the very least a great memory. Who doesn't want to be liked, but when all doesn't go well, then how do you handle the disappointments? So it leaves number 8 suggesting the sooner you get past that internal struggle (we all have to come to terms with our own fear) to the point of managing it the better. Just an awareness article that I think it is worth passing on and just as valid on a discussion board like this one, or any other one or place where people communicate well or poorly and (of course) applies to both men and women. Any thoughts to add

and yes, I do believe we are all vulnerable to number 7, some of us MUCH more than others and I can offer a thousand different posts on this very board as proof.lol

Number 8 is also one of those things that I personally have never had much issue with. Perhaps it's the fact that I am an only child and I have been taking care of myself since the age of 14, and actually was mainly taking care of myself much earlier than that as I was raised by a single, working mother.  I have always relied on myself, so I really have never feared it, as far back as I can remember, it's just the way things were/are.

Now I can't wait to hear from some of those uber sensitive, ultra thin skinned members we have here who would die or kill to be accecpted. This should be interesting.

and letting what others think drive your decisions about what you do.  

Like all things in life, balance is called for.  

I do believe it essential to serve your own needs first, then branch out from there.

END OF MESSAGE

By the definition of that article I tend to lean towards more thin skinned. This does not always work in my favor but yeah I do care what others think and I listen to criticism and try to be a better person for it. I don't try to get people to like me but for those I care about their opinion is very important to me. I guess at the end of the day it is more important to me that I make a positive impact on those around me than trying to convince myself that I am always right.

I think it depends how vulnerable you allow yourself to be. A stranger you're making small talk with has little power to get under your skin. However if you bare your soul to someone, or give them a glimpse of what pushes your buttons, then it is hard to deal with being shunned or abused. So I think there's always a tradeoff with keeping your deepest feelings private, or sharing them and risking getting hurt. If I look at myself honestly I'd say I'm pretty thin-skinned. But I avoid pain by mostly keeping my feelings to myself. Spineless is probably a good word for it.

Study? Sounds more like just his own thoughts and his opinions. A sample size of One lol
 

I grew up in a fairly large family, the only girl amongst a host a brothers. My parents were more strict with me than my brothers, and I had a greater share of responsibilities. I was typically placed as the one in charge of my younger siblings, which means that I was often blamed for things they did that I had no control over. It was also hard to have a real voice in my family, I'm naturally very soft spoken so I was easily over talked.  

Because of all of that, I can be very sensitive to being given power or control. I feel most comfortable in a submissive position where I'm not exactly running the show, so to speak. I don't think I could be a manager or leader. At times I can be sensitive to blunt critique, although I think I take constructive criticism fairly well.  

I think this "business" is really the only place I feel completely comfortable being in charge, because I know that my safety and comfort absolutely depends on it. But behind closed doors I suppose I regress, and I want to be back in that submissive position again.

Gosh... I think I started to ramble but I hope I added something to the conversation

I could not truly love until I learned to love myself, even with my massive flaws.   Up until my mid 20s, I expected some illusory form of 'perfection' from myself and all that really made me was a dick both to my own self and everybody around me - if all I could do was criticize myself, well, hot damn, all I could do was see the flaws in others.  Hell, my own mother used to say that I was an asshole and emotionally unavailable.   Now look at me 20 years later, I am a full-fledged mangina

Hudson references thick-skinned people as able to shrug off, say rejection, and "continue on." Continue on to what? Where is there to go?

If a primary value in a relationship is acceptance, then if that isn't there you fail. If you shrug it off and decide to continue the relationship, you might be thick-skinned, but the primary value of the relationship is still not attained. So what's the point?

 OTOH, if the primary value of a relationship is loyalty, and although you might not even be liked you and your partner in the relationship are mutually loyal to each other, then you might be considered thin-skinned to take offense at not being liked or truly accepted. As long as loyalty is maintained, the purpose is fulfilled and you might do well to settle for that and not complain. In a romantic relationship that might be difficult, but in a relationship with a business partner that might work out to be case, or might evolve into such a situation.

We all have a lot of values, and sometimes they conflict. If you accept a definition of emotion as the celebration or frustration over the attainment or nonattainment of values, then when values conflict you'll have conflicting emotions; if you deeply held values, then you'll be subject to deeply felt emotions, and so forth.

display same works a lot better than focusing on their faults and trying to eliminate them.

I would consider myself very thick skinned.  

I don't make friends easy because of it, but being thick skinned tends to burn of the dross of humanity and those that make it through often tend to be worth having a relationship with whether it be friends or lovers.  

In the workplace I typically don't care about others opinions of what I do because nobody is harder on me than me. On those occasions when I get an ass chewing I don't go cry in a corner. I am able to shrug it off and that allows me to take it at face value and learn from it.

Number 3 is hilarious. Anybody that goes into any type of relationship be it friends, co-workers or a lover with the intent of "changing" the other person is doomed to failure. The more you try to change someone the more they resist. That really has nothing to do with thick skin. It has to do with other people accepting someone for who they are.

I really like 6 "not being good enough". Good enough for what exactly. Accept who you are and work within that framework. Learn from your mistakes and keep at it. Again really nothing to do with thick skin.  

7 tends to hit very close to the mark. I would say thinned skinned peeps often will completely blame the other for failure in a relationship because they can't see their own faults. Those of us with thick skin can look at it and take responsibility for our part in a failed relationship......and then move on.

As far as 8 goes, having also been raised as an only child and encouraged to amuse and occupy myself(no wonder I started masturbating at such an early age) being alone can get lonely, but its not particularly scary

But I am thinking at bottom it is about unconditional and conditional love.  

The Mother/Female principle provides unconditional love.  

The Male/Father principle provides conditional love.  

In balance, the unconditional love is the permanence that gives us the confidence to strive toward the impermanent

Then of course there are those miserable "sad sack" drunks who get all emotional after a couple of shots. I hate those kind of drunks.

"Whatever the case may be… those with thick skin won’t be fazed by it. You don’t need to like them because, as long as they like themselves, it doesn’t really matter how you feel."

I've had a few folks slam me from time to time in here, and to those folks and everyone else, I say read the statement copied from the article that I pasted above. I'm going to tell you exactly how I feel about a subject matter, and I'll always own my words and be accountable for what I've said, even when the comment was influenced by Bourbon.

Be yourself, no matter what happens no one can take that away from you. Besides, everyone else is taken already.

I used to care what other people thought about me, I also used to be prejudice, jealous, envious and judgmental. Then I discovered how ugly those behaviors are and what complete wastes of time and energy they are and just how utterly useless they are. The natural progression from that realization was pride that I finally grew up, well in those manners anyway, and then I started liking myself. Unfortunately I continued to attract people that were some of those things, in fact I married one, but I fairly quickly saw those useless behaviors for what they are and distanced myself from those that exhibit them.

I think of it this way now, if someone doesn't like me, what power do I really have to do anything about that? None, wanting them to or wishing them to like me is an exercise in futility. I like me and I'm conscious and respectful of other's feelings, opinions and beliefs. The only person I have control over is the person I look at in the mirror every day. I try to be the best "me" that I can be and if someone doesn't like me, well I can't concern myself with that and I extract myself from that environment.

Wow! I've used up way too much brain and emotional power with this post, I require a Bourbon to recharge my batteries.

Great post though, I enjoyed it.

I have been known to eat shoe leather a time or two after one too many Bourbons.

I've also been known to sing Karaoke whilst under the influence of good Bourbon, and just for your edification I couldn't carry a tune in a hand basket.

Hi A

I read your post a few times, and my initial feeling is that you would make an excellent Leader, and perhaps not as good of a Manager. This is of course after reading the only post that I've ever seen from you, and with the caveat that I'm in no way, shape or form qualified to analyze human behavior. There is strength and confidence in your words, and those are cornerstones of being a good leader. There is a very explicit difference, and I suspect if you research it that you'll find you have leadership qualities.  

I for one am very glad that you added to the conversation, welcome, and I sincerely hope you stay for a while.

Cool people rock. I aspire to be one some day.

And wow, nice body, yummy.

END OF MESSAGE

I wiki'd the word leadership and found this: "a process of social influence in which a person can enlist the aid and support of others in the accomplishment of a common task"

I don't believe I have much social influence, but I do believe I typically attract people to my life that will support me and help me whenever they can. My friends, though I only have a relative few, are my biggest cheerleaders.

I think your assessment of me is very sweet, although I don't know that it's completely accurate. Strong and confident aren't the first words I'd use to describe me, although I wish they were. I'm still figuring this whole life thing out, and at times I can feel incredibly insecure about so many things. I think I have resilience, is that the same as strength?

Thanks for compliment about my body, I think that's the one place I'm totally secure with lol.

You said: I grew up in a fairly large family, the only girl amongst a host a brothers.  

No doubt you had to have a high level of social influence to be in charge of younger sibling brothers and be successful. Strength and confidence to succeed, many parents can't accomplish this together as a pair, apparently you did this as a young lady (big sister).

You said: My parents were more strict with me than my brothers, and I had a greater share of responsibilities.  

You recognized the role you would have to play in your family, perhaps you were given undue responsibility at too young of an age, but you assumed it and I presume you excelled. Perhaps you complained some, but it seems in the end you did what needed to be done. I see this comment as you took the bull by the horns. Strength.

You said: I was typically placed as the one in charge of my younger siblings, which means that I was often blamed for things they did that I had no control over.  

I think I touched on most of this earlier, but I'll add that you took responsibility for things you had no control over. I'd bet that you did so with little complaining, but somehow your brothers paid a price from you, even if it was your disappointment or that they felt guilty that you took the fall for them. Strength

You said: It was also hard to have a real voice in my family, I'm naturally very soft spoken so I was easily over talked.  

I'm not really sure how that applies, perhaps someone else will chime in on that one.

Here's the thing, I've been a leader for nearly 20 years and I can tell you this, a leader commands respect without power or hierarchical prominence, a leader takes on responsibility and tasks without complaint and focuses their assets to complete their task as efficiently as possible. A leader accepts responsibility for their team and all of it's members to include blame or consequences and when it's time to accept accolades spreads those along to his/her entire team. In this manner a leader commands the respect of his/her superiors and subordinates at the same time collectively.

Do you want/need proof? Think Derek Jeter. Re read the prior paragraph, think about how he acted/presented himself during his entire career. Mull that over for a moment. Don't compare yourself to anyone, your situation is completely different than everyone else's but think about the parallels and how you played the hand you were dealt.

As far as you being a submissive, there's nothing wrong with that and it's not by any means a sign of weakness, in fact it may be a sign of strength as you recognize your preference and you are willing to give yourself completely to that end.  

I don't by any means claim to know you, your background or the challenges you've faced in your lifetime. As I said before I'm not by any shape or form qualified to analyze human behavior and so you should treat this as an observation. I am however a very accomplished leader, I'll pat myself on the back for that, and I recognize those traits in others (I had to read between the lines a little when I read your original post).  

Be your worst critic, nobody should be harder on you than you, but take time out to give yourself a pat on the back too once in a while. Self deprecation is fine, but don't sell yourself short.

We are ALL still figuring this whole life thing out. Each and every one of us are on our own little path, and I suspect not many of us will ever really figure it out.

But isn't the journey fun?

The greatest benefit to developing a thick skin, is that it liberates you to think of things that matter, rather than dwelling on things like "why doesn't so and so like me."  Bottom line, just be a decent person and have confidence in yourself and it doesn't matter why some asshole at work or wherever doesn't like you.  I used to care a little more, but the funny thing is, once I stopped caring and trying to be nice to some of the assholes in a new job I had (I wasn't belligerent, just became indifferent to what they thought), these folks suddenly had a new found respect for me - funny how that works.  Some people interpret "nice" as weakness for whatever reason, so they react to that.  But here is how I see things - we are all naturally wired a little differently, some folks are just super-sensitive, and others not.  And for the most part (but not always), people can best relate to those who are most like them.  The super-sensitive can go through their days thinking every other person they meet is an asshole for some perceived slight, and the more-straight forward, blunt, dispassionate may think half the world is a bunch of pussies.  Yeah, the super-sensitive need to get some thicker skin, so they don't go through life paralyzed by worry of what people think about them or constantly pissed at all the mean people in the world around them.  On the flip side, the more disspassionate still need to see the value in others who aren't just like them, and realize sometimes the expression of a little emotion and human empathy can go a long way in this life.  We're all different, and there's nothing inherently wrong with that IMO.

END OF MESSAGE

Sorry, but it sounds a lot more like "sucking up" than a real analysis of what she wrote. If you really want to "suck up" why don't you just make an appointment? lol

Or I suppose another explanation for your post is that, considering it was made at night, is that bourbon had a lot of influence. lol

…almost sounds like an amusement ride, but anything with the word FUN in it can be such a thrill and who doesn’t enjoy that kind of ride, especially with a fav lady. First, thanks for your input and yes, I can see thick-skin people can also be uncaring and harassing at least the criminally minded and psychotic type (With the picture of actor Spacey in website, reminds me of the movie Horrible Bosses and psycho boss he played. Or is it from the TV series House of Cards?) If anyone sets up another to fail or cause harm, they are dangerous and there are those out there just like that, cool and calm on the outside but scheming and diabolical on the inside, waiting for the right moment to shoot his poison arrow to the heart of goodness and down the victim. (If one chooses to play the part of victim, now?) However, when you say you make your “enemies your friends, “ it really makes me wonder, do you mean it’s important to be liked by them and you gravitate to the ones’ who don’t accept you to try to win them over to your point of view? Or, do you gravitate towards them because you find that you do share something in common and soon you see that they’re really not your enemy after all?  

Also, you revealed that you were on you own at the age of 16 (I’m guessing you didn’t have the support of parents or guardians to look out for you?), so you turned to others or strangers for advice to make sense of your own world and the stress you were facing. If you came across other that treated you kindly, then that’s a good thing.

You then stated that thick skin people “only cares about themselves and has a hard time caring [about others]. Has difficulty maintaining relationships and leads a life of isolation.” Okay I get the picture, however if anything, would you agree to this part at the beginning of the article?

“Having thick skin is caring, but having the strength to keep pursuing what you believe to be right.”

So, can it be that a thick skinned person can be fair and kind and are not psychotic or criminal, after all? (I believe the intent of the article was to promote not only a way to cope but to manage a life in an uncertain world with a strong sense of self and purpose to move forward confidently.) It does beg the question, though, in how certain can a man be that that lady he directs his love towards is going to equally love him back and stay by his side for the rest of the days? If not, than isolation is something that can be managed. There’s always this place, an online ad, and a phone call to set up an appointment for a woman’s company

Yes, what you say can be confusing and is! Anyway, I remember the Triangular Love  theory from my college days in one of my psyche classes. Please check out the attached link.

As far  as  to “Continue on to what? Where is there to go?, “  there are  other hobbies and passions and joys in life to pursue other than the (all encompassing) hobbie. I enjoy the other things I do, and I'm satisfied I can take them to my grave.  

Also, thanks for your input. I’d read you link, but it’s not coming up?

I like the below that you’ve said:

“…think of things that matter, rather than dwelling on this like “why doesn’t so and so like me.”

and

“confidence”

I also like your input and agree with some of it, except I’d reserve A-hole for the one’s that intentially go out the way to make life very difficult. (That is, if they were making life difficult for you?)  

Interesting observation between the super-sensitive who get easily offended and upset with others’ slights and the disspassionate who easily resort to condemnation because they don’t like the others’ slight.

Of course, life is dynamic and some may change or mellow over time where that super-sensitive or insecure find a place in the world and cease to be bothered by the same behaviors; that is, they figure out that dwelling on something or someone who didn't work out prevents them from moving forward in a a positive direction. Thanks for your input

I don’t know your whole story, but I do know criticism that always points out weaknesses and fault without praise and constructive input, can do a number on one’s self-esteem. Thus, it is possible to become comfortable in a state that happens to be submissive because that is all you have known from your upbringing. As you get older, it becomes habit. On the other hand, since you were put in a position of responsibility, you were able to work responsibility into your current life by running your own business. However, behind closed doors you still regress to your comfort zone by being submissive. I’m not going to say it’s wrong (as submissive can be good if it that is what your promoting and clients like) but if you get tired of it, this submissive state can change if you choose to do it. Let’s say you want to try something else, that is, you want to be more assertive and commanding (which is my kind of gal). Just step out of your comfort zone, take a chance towards dominating and explore that state. You just may find it liberating.  
The point here is not to suggest that you do something else that you do not care for; the point is that there are other untapped possibilities and capabilities to try if you just give it a chance

I agree, at least sometimes it’s best not to say anything, or silence is golden, as the saying goes. In a different situation, though, the last thing I want to say to someone who is hyper-sensitive at a stressful moment is the wrong word and then that person explodes (that is he/she has an outburst of angry behavior). Funny, it happens with some of my family members every once in a while, but I have learned to read them better and know what to say or say nothing at all or I don't get involved. But, it has happened with strangers on a rare occasion.

…like there is a general acknowledgement that it is necessary to keep a defense to protect one’s own self respect, but maybe (with some) to also seek to understand another’s point of view and even show empathy, at times.

Perhaps if you care enough about self, others will pick up on it and do the same, like a mirror image, it reflects back to you. If this self respect and care reflects between two different people in the bedroom and during a love-making session, all the better