He’s got to be able to accept that it’s not always just work with other men, that sometimes you’re actually having a good time and you like the guy. Personally, I can/could see it, I just didn’t want to hear about it. I kind of preferred it. I’d rather she be with guys she liked than be with guys who made her skin crawl. The thought of her feeling shitty or put upon in a session was worse than the thought of another guy making her come. Though both thoughts sucked major ass. But I was willing to endure it, at least for a while, if it meant I’d get to have her. (I guess it helped that I’m an arrogant bastard and I knew in the long run no guy would beat my time with her. Unless he was from Krypton. And that fucker would have had a fight on his hands. Especially when it came to her.)
I have to agree with PussyLipGloss to some extent, though, it’s nearly impossible for emotionally healthy people. But I’d just add a qualifier, it’s nearly impossible for emotionally healthy people with traditional expectations. Sometimes life comes at you sideways and you can’t reject people/gifts because of the package they come in. Sometimes two fucked up people just have to roll the dice. Sometimes two healthy (ish) people in fucked up situations just have to roll the dice. I’d rather have a brief, fucked up and beautiful moment than roll over and give in to the grey.
But for you, Vonnie, this situation has made you feel shitty. There’s not much beautiful left, just a lot of fucked up. I’d bet you deserve better.
As for the question you asked originally, how do you get over it.
I usually take the Gambler approach, screw everything in sight. Selectively. Which, for me, is not just about the sex. It’s about meeting enough fascinating people that you become emotionally distracted. Each new person takes a little bit of your heart back from her. Or him, in your case.
Don’t bomb your feelings with weed, liquor, pills, or anything else. A little bit is good to take the edge off, but don’t obliterate yourself.
After the booze and the screwing, there’s the checklist. Always the checklist. I recommend going to the checklist first.
Did I do everything I could do?
Did I do too much?
Would we have had a shot outside of the hobby?
And if the answer is yes, then was the blowup inevitable? Is there something about “us” that would have doomed us no matter how or where we met? Age, distance, race, sanity?
If the answer to that is no (we weren’t doomed), then what blew things up?
Is there anything you could have done about it?
Is there something you can still do to fix things? If not, file it away as a lesson learned, what to do and what not to do in the future.
But often the answer to the question is there’s nothing you could have done. Because you can’t reach into somebody’s brain and flip some switch that will make them trust you, make them relax, make them take yes for an answer
