A friend just went through this.  Loyal for 20 years in his marriage.  Wife screwed some old high school buddy she ran into on a business trip.  Sorta "just happened" although he said their sex life was pretty poor.

Anyway he confided in me, said he needed to get "some stange" and I showed him TER.  

He just completed his first provider visit and he has stars in his eyes. Told me he doesn't feel the least bit guilty.  

Now I'm feeling a little guilty, but done is done

To go and see a provider just because his wife cheated sounds like a really bad idea.  

Also sounds like his relationship is in a bad way.

but if you are going to have revenge sex, having it with a provider is much better than hooking up with one of his wife's girlfriends. Besides if it dulls the pain of having her cheat on him, it probably beats going out and getting drunk, picking a fight, getting thrown in jail....You know the usual mature way us guys customarily deal with shit like that.

GaGambler when you put it like that it does make a lot more sense.

I always think seeing a provider is better than having an affair as there is no emotional betrayal involved.

but it is less bad, and as you said "there is no emotional betrayal"

lol I prayed for that excuse to cheat for years, but she never delivered- had to just go for it!

that he got   his "revenge" as some I know have done in the past to obtain the attention that was no longer in the marriage.  

That is the only thing I would be concerned about making sure he knows its not a 'game" or a "tool"
to get her back by letting her know  "Hey bitch I got some Pu$$y "  Hey believe it or not this shit happens ...this is why so many wives  "accidently" found out and why ladies get phone calls from   crazy jealous wives ..

Sad but true !

once you've tasted the fruits of hobbying after having no fun at home.....well, we all know that difficulty.

His wife has some emotional problems that caused a lot of stress in their home. I think what happened with her affair (which was short) was a case of "wrong place, wrong time" and she got romanced.

He on the other hand is a normal guy.  A good guy whom I've known for 29 years.  He's been a loyal husband.  So at 55 he got his first strange nookie in a long, long while.

I gotta calm him down becuase he keeps sending ME all the good looking gals he likes on CityVibe!

I've created a monster.  Another problem...he can afford it!

Damn.

Oh, and his wife is somewhat hot too.

I have to say I am not sure I would ever let any of my friends, not even my closest friends, on to what I do in the hobby.  Friendships change, slips are made, etc etc...what if your friend's wife finds out and outs you to an SO?  On top of creating your "monster" you could have that to deal with too...just feel it's safer to keep it completely under wraps...

I just finished bivouacking four-weeks in the Saudi Arabian desert. Our unit came back from the field, to wash up, eat steak, wait for mail call and cut our hair. I was sitting in the barbers chair, and the REM song, "The one I love", came over US Armed Forces radio. My heart sank faster than a SCUD missile. I felt so empty I rattled, for all I could think about was my girl and praying to God she was thinking of me. The end of the world could have commenced and all I could do was dream of her kisses, those sweet tender, soft battleship lips.

That's the funny thing I learned about being in war, we could care less about Saddam Hussein, the New World Order, or any of that other Geo-political crap. I bivouacked with men, ate with men, fought with men, fought against men, even die for my guys and all we could think about were women.

Was "Jodi" out with our women? We couldn't wait for mail call for an answer? Perfume letters were the best? Oooweee! At mail call we wait for word from our girlfriends, and some of us would get the word in a letter: "Josephine" was cheating on us. Liberating Kuwait was easier than worrying if Jodi has your girl. Call it insecurity, it is, what it is.

We put those cheating heart letters and their pictures, on the board called; the wall of shame and say and do mean things. When we hurt, men will do stuff: clean our M-16's, polish brass, drink, go in our caves, fight, or in other cases do awful things and I've seen it. I won’t say in this thread I received a Dear John letter but I will say this:

With a provider, a man has no illusions that Jodie is taking away our Josephine. We know the deal, we can have our “kiss” and leave.  It isn't much, yes. Money cannot buy love, true, but for lot of us that's enough. It's another prop. Very simply a provider will put up with us, will be there when we call and won’t fuss.  So thank you providers i.e. ladies, for soothing the savage beast within, and putting up with our coarse behavior and insensitive remarks. Thank you.

"..he can afford it! "

Well  let him have his fun ..Oh  do you have any real nice pix of his wife to share us ??

Shes that  hot huh ??  

Did she tell him?  Did someone else?

Hoo-Ah! brother. Been there done that and it sucks to be on the receiving end of a Dear John letter.
Providers are not perfect substitutes for a long term relationship but they do help heal and mend without all the drama and judgment.

When you walk through the fire yours is not the only soul to be burned.

axail

I agree with traveler, I am a newbie and there is not way I can image hangin' out with he guys sharing my limited experience in the hobby.  I am sure if I found out that one of my buddies SO was cheating on him if i would give me access to the hobby, way to much could and most likely would go wrong..  but that is just my simple thought

I don't tell my friends either BUT,

If one of my buddies wife cheated on him and he was looking for suggestions, I wouldn't tell him directly but I would certainly tell him in a round-about way.  We've all been surfing porn and accidently come across "escort" sites and review boards.  There are all kinds of ways to get them in the right direction without admitting anything.

Channelguy, I don't believe you should feel guilty for creating this avenue for a friend.  At any time, he can push away from the computer and decide to work on his marriage....if that is what he desires.

It's unfortunate he was cheated on, especially due to his faithfulness throughout his marriage. But, from your information, I can tell that he was a bull waiting in the bullpen to join the arena.  If this was about his wife cheating, perhaps he would have stopped after one encounter and felt justified.  Since he continues to pursue the hobby; I am inclined to believe that this is a deliberate choice he makes every time he logs on.

As his friend and fellow hobbyist; you may want to consider telling him some of the downfalls of this lifestyle, while he still has stars in his eyes.  At this point, he is vulnerable to emotional attachments that he more than likely cannot conceal and the wife will quickly pick up on his new found happiness.  I know if I was seeking gratification from a unfulfilling marriage, I would run into the arms of every willing companion while forsaking home.

You say "...I can tell that he was a bull waiting in the bullpen to join the arena.  If this was about his wife cheating, perhaps he would have stopped after one encounter and felt justified."

   The range of emotional response to being cheated on is vast and often irrational. Sure perhaps he was looking for an excuse. Its at least equally likely that he is seeking to drown his pain, anger, frustration, inadequacy, (pick your list) and will continue until he gets some distance and a handle on his emotions. The betrayal of a relationship of 20 years can devastate most of a persons emotional and spiritual anchors. The rebound can get pretty crazy.   Forming an opinion of someones character, based on how their reactions conform to your expectations is sketchy at best.

-J
   

-- Modified on 11/8/2007 9:10:09 AM

what is second hand information. I didn't form an opinion of anyone's character, I gave my opinion based on my life experiences and provider experiences.

I more than understand the thought process of betrayal and shattered trust.  Coping is different for everyone as you said in your post.

Just understand this, I would never assume nor draw a conclusion on this basis which is why my post is paraphrased using the term "perhaps" since I am simply giving my opinion and personal observation.

Here's my last post on this...

1)  Trust him?  I won't go into all the details but I'll paraphrase the saying about "you really know who to trust when you're in a foxhole with them."   Well..that applies with him more than you can believe.

2)  We've been through real good and real bad together.  I'd step in front of a bullet for him and he almost had to, once for me, and almost did.

3)  His wife is a "8" even at her age. His lack of any intimacy was / is destroying his "man'ness" - I'm sure you know what I mean.

4)  He is being very careful - his career is built on being very careful about super important things.

5)  If my wife found out she wouldn't be happy. But she'd also realize that for years I've gotten nothing intimate from her, so?????   We'd get through it.   Deep down she probably already knows because I'm a normal guy and we used to have good sex.  

I think that covers it from my view

but IMHO you did a very good job of it.

one of my wife's best friends found out her husband had a girlfriend and she is now separated.  She is not taking it well.  Recently she dropped by our house to drop something off for my wife, I was home alone, and she virtually attacked me, embracing me and rubbing my crotch, telling me I could have her anytime I wanted.  I had the good sense to decline (not nearly as safe as the hobby); but about a week later we had a group over for a party, and I observed her (she thought they were discrete but they weren't) approach another friend from behind place her arms around him and start rubbing his crotch..he also moved away and appeared to decline, but she definitely seems to be seeking revenge sex.

-- Modified on 11/8/2007 4:05:03 PM

but I agree with the "yeesh"