Once again, my SO has decided to take something we previously enjoyed together, out of our bedroom and into her private domain.

We happen to have a couple of toys we use in our foreplay and an interesting dildo is one of those toys.  I have become proficent in its use over time.  I am able to use it while DATY to great and pleasing results (her words, not mine).  As of last week, she has taken the dildo out of the bedroom scene for us and now uses it solo only.

Yes, I have already checked and she has told me it is not the way we used them (I wasn't too rough or used them with her too frequently).

She simply (and without discussing it with me) has decided to make the use of the dildo a private matter.  We no longer use it as part of our love play, but she is consistent in telling me when she has played alone with it during my absenses from her (for work purposes).

BTW, the rest of the sex is great and we do have sex 3-4 times per week.  We equally initiate love play, so we apparently are both as eager for each other as we use to be.

Seems like another power play/head game to me, just can't understand why.

And they wonder why we hobby.
Comments?



-- Modified on 8/4/2004 8:39:40 AM

-- Modified on 8/4/2004 8:41:40 AM

and I admit it certainly is for me.

Making it a part of her personal time alone is one thing (she can have her alone time, right?), but REMOVING it from the time she spends with you indicates something's amiss, IMO.

I empathize with her because I could see myself finding it too hard to be communicative with the person that I most needed to communicate with! While it's understandable, it can't continue with any success in the relationship and so you need to find a way to get her to talk to you about it. This 'drawing out', in this part of your relationship, is not my forte. (I wish it was).

Truthspeaker? I'm sure some others will chime in with something helpful. The fact that you want some answers is at least the right start, Lo.

Perhaps the toys began to make your love-making a threesome, and your SO could subscribe to the old nostrum that while two's company, three's a crowd.  Maybe she believed the toys were becoming too much a part of your sex life, and she wants the sessions to be all about you and she together, alone.  She may feel strongly about it, hence the unilateral decision to remove them from your menu.  On the other hand, she obviously does enjoy the toys (I'm constantly amazed how easily women become physically addicted to toys once they get over the concept) and doesn't want to deny herself the pleasure.  

Another theory: Perhaps your SO senses you may be hobbying, in some vague non-specific way.  I've found women have an uncanny sense about this stuff. But she doesn't have any info to make a direct accusation.  She may be telling you that if you're playing on the road, she's got her own way to play, too.

I once had a boyfriend who liked to use a particular vibrator in a certain way that I wasn't fond of and was in fact a little uncomfortable. Despite me telling him many times (in a nice way) to use it differently, he never did (at least not more than a minute--then he'd switch). He liked using it a certain way and that was that.

So, finally one day I told him I had no interest in ever using it again, and put it away. Yet, when he was gone on trips, I pulled the toy out and had fun with it in the way I liked, solo. I never told him, though, because I'm sure he would have been upset.

So, maybe it isn't a power play like you think. Perhaps you could ask her to demonstrate how she uses it when you're not there--and then use it that way back in the bedroom again.

A) She doesn't like having a mechanical orgasm on command. She is trying to bring intimacy back to the bedroom.

B) She likes it and wants to experiment on her own.

C) She is having an affair.

If what you say is true presently in your sex life then maybe she is trying to regain something that only she feels has been lost. Only she can answer a question about her wants and desires and as Sedona stated, the direct course is not always the smoothest or the wisest. It all depends on your ability to truly communicate with your SO, I know how difficult normal discussions can get between a couple. Sometimes where do you want to eat can become a complete mess let alone when you get into the topic of pleasing one another which becomes more of an individual situation. I hope her thinking is that she wants to become closer to you without the use of any external help and to "connect" completely again. I've experienced women who cycle emotionally and sexually. I open myself up completely to them and respect their wants and desires, and I encourage direction in the bedroom which removes many barriers. Best Of Luck.

I really don't know if this is a power play, and I wish I was as optimistic as joercny, but I am more inclined to agreed with netmichelle, particularly since there has been no discussion about it.

People are always making excuses about their communication skills, if communicating with a SO is so hard and difficult, what's the point of having one (other than the obvious). I will basically give any woman whatever she wants (within reason), or whatever she doesn't want. I know that as a rule us men are all suppose to be clairvoyant, but I flunk that course. Call me old fashion or unrealistic, but I really prefer good ole "in your face communication", I don't necessarily have to like what I hear, but at least I know where I stand.

If she's not communicating with you, this problem goes deeper than the use of a toy. Hopefully it will work itself out. But I certainly would be looking for other signs.

You could be right but then why would she tell him that she still uses it solo unless she is trying to deliver some sort of message?  It almost sounds like a challenge of some sort.

Although this seems like a small matter it sounds like one that he may want to investigate before whatever is behind her change eats away at the relationship.

yes, she may be trying to deliver some sort of message, and if she likes the way she uses it better, that could very well be the message. sometimes the answer is much less complicated than it seems. if it's more complicated invloving power plays and suc, then that sounds like a relationship pattern that can be better solved in the therapist's office than here. best of luck, hopefully you can gain a better understanding of each other and your sex life will thrive with renewed energy and closeness.

there are only two of us now, we ate the third trying to raise our score in sedona's sexual freak survey.

Besides he was a pain in the ass, he kept on farting and telling us bs stories about doing some chick with a vibe dildo. Can you believe that asshole!?

As others have said, communication is the key.  What is her tone of voice and expression when she tells you how she uses it alone?  She may be inviting you to join her in a conversation.  It is always best if the people in a relationship can express in a straightforward way what their needs are, but as Sedona points out, sometimes people need to be "drawn out" a bit.

This is something that is bothering you, and so you should not "gunny sack" it along with your memories of her other actions that you feel have been power plays.  When partners "store up" their resentments in this way, they tend to come out all at once in a way that blindsides the resented person, and damages the relationship.  In general in relationships, it is best to reveal discomfort immediately, and then discuss it openly.