Okay so I just didn't lose my job and don't have any kids and live a better lifestyle, but I cannot help but think of American Beauty in regards to my personal life lately.
I suppose I should just be happy that I am building my estate and honestly the money has been coming in faster than I can spend it, although I still manage to spend it all (whatever my wife doesn't spend first, that is).
I suppose I should also be happy with a mediocre sex life with my wife that mostly consists of a BJ once a week and sex (plus BJ) maybe once a week.  Of course, this is partially because I hobby at least once a week, yet hobbying leaves me unfulfilled as well.
I'm not in the bad place that I was a few months ago...running has solved that.  I am losing weight and starting to look good and starting to ask myself why I shouldn't have a 22 or 23 year old hot girlfriend instead of a wife who only makes herself very attractive for special occasions and is satisfied with an average body instead of the great body she used to have (size 4 with natural D cup).  Although I love to spend money and she both makes and spends a lot of money, I am starting to ask myself if I wouldn't be better off with a girl that I could have sex with five times a week that really drives me wild.  But then I know the same shit may happen to the next one and I am out half my meager estate (but 2 homes at 30 ain't bad, could be doing a lot worse).
I've tried various things to improve the situation but the same shit happens over and over again.  Took her on shopping spree for Christmas and things are really cool for a couple days.  Surprised her with a brand new luxury car for BDay, ribbon and all, and things are cool for a week or so.
Don't get me wrong, we are best friends but at the same time we both get on each others nerves, unless we are vacationing abroad with few of the distractions from home.
What is my point here???  I don't know.  Don't suppose I would be happy for too long with another person unless that person totally spoiled me, which I must admit that other than sexually, I am now.  Just cannot stand the extreme ups and downs...screaming at each other one second and cuddling the next second.  Probably just being a wuss and complaining about everyday shit, right?  My most sincere apologies for boring the piss out of you all with this stupid post but I just want to see how it is for others that are married or in long term relationships.

Most of what you just described makes some reference to money and buying things. Ie: Expensive car. You have made reference before to expensive exotica vacations and achievement in terms of business.

What about children, maybe volunteer work to help people who are less fortunate than yourself. Maybe a creative outlet, such as a class in sculpture, writing or history. Maybe adopt an animal that needs love.

You seem to have reached Mecca and are saying so what's next? NO relationship is perfect. You keep mentioning others, the wife who isn't what she used to be...Do you like yourself when you look in the mirror...and I'm not talking about looks.

Are you proud of what you have accomplished in this lifetime, the people you give love to and the little things that really matter?

Or are you looking to get get get. What can the wife do for you? How good can she look for you? If she give you BBJ's.

I see no mention of pussy licking, charity dinners and soccer games with the kids. Give back and you will be filled up, Kevin.

HB



-- Modified on 1/12/2002 4:49:36 PM

I suggest developing an addiction to gambling, alchohol or computer games.  It will take your mind off of your other problems.

Actually I can relate fairly well to what you're saying.  The only difference is I'm 10 years older and my wife and I don't ever argue.  We're both laid back, workaholics and have a great life except there doesn't seem to be anytime for passion (or interest) in a sex life.  While I occassionally day dream about running away with some sex crazed 30 year-old, I have instead developed other interests.  Mostly things I couldn't afford back in my 20's and didn't have time for in my 30's.

I think you could safely assume if you dumped your wife in favor of a 20 something sex maniac that the novelty of that would quickly diminish and you'd be back where you started.  What's the answer... I don't know.  Nature's got an ironic sense of humor when it comes to married women and their sex drives.  However I think for the most part if people are unhappy with their relationship, it's not really about the sex.  Sex is great but it's more of a happy distraction than the basis of a good relationship.  Sorry to ramble on.... just my thoughts.

someone, somewhere is tired of putting up with her shit.

Adopted three dogs so far and just recently tied up traffic by stopping the moving van I was driving to jump out and pluck a five week old kitten with eye infection, dehydrated and seemingly with death wish out of a busy street.  Despite allergies to cats, nursed it back to health (with help of very supportive wife) and found a good no-kill shelter for it that will in turn try to find it a good home.  Couldn't keep it with my dogs and allergies.
Call me shallow, but I have no interest in kids.  Wouldn't demand an abortion out of my wife or anything but both of us are happy w/o kids, although we still have 10+ years left on the good ol' biological clock.  Really, that would just make things messier, in my opinion.
You do raise some very good points and I really would like to give back a little more.

Damn! I should have realized it as soon as I saw those linen pants...

-- Modified on 1/13/2002 12:41:16 AM

Zorro,  I don't have any kids either, but I love em. I've been involved in the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation for the last 3 or 4 years.  It's a great organization and every penny raised goes to research.  I couldn't live with myself if I didn't give something back, and I am very lucky to be in a position where I can support such a worthwhile cause.  I'm not telling you what you should do, I'm just saying what works for me.  Sedagive.

This is just my opinion (and experience)...not the gospel. :0)

I have never been married (proposed to 9 times, but never married). One thing I noticed that MEN dont realize about women is that an INVESTMENT is required to get the sex you/men want. An investment in TIME & EMOTIONS. Men need SEX to feel in love, women need LOVE to want sex. All those stupid things she wants to do (Go Shopping, Go to Art Galleries, Go to Craft Shows, etc) mean something to her. If you went with her occassionally on her little excursions, she would feel LOVE towards you and give you sex. You said when you give her gifts she's "fine" for a week or two. The gifts represent LOVE to her, and in that moment through the giving of a gift "you love her".

You dont have to keep giving her gifts. COMPLIMENTS and TIME are the best gifts you can give a woman. You have to INVEST in the pursuit of P***Y WEEKS IN ADVANCE. You know you're going to be horny two weeks from now, so you have to prime the pump NOW. "honey you look nice today""Are you losing weight?"" Yes dear, I would LOVE to go see Kate & Leopold with you for the fourth time",...Those things say/mean "I LOVE YOU" to her...and translate into SEX for you.

Perhaps she "HAS" let herself go. You said you are running now. Have you invited her to go with you? If she doesnt want to go that's fine, but keep inviting her. Tell her you want both of you to be healthy so that you can be together for many years to come. If you REALLY want her to tone up her body then YOU should join a gym,...come home everyday talking about the "hotties" who said Hello to you,...then of course invite her to join you for the same reason (to be healthy and live a long life together). Other women having access to our man (especially one in his 30's who is working) usually gets our attention.

Another thing I find is that my MARRIED "friends" are looking for a true GFE. This was a subject on OPRAH once (Sorry, I'm an Oprah fan). Some doctor (not Dr. Phil) talked about how MEN needed AFFECTION too. Men are so "Affection Starved", and wives dont even know it. Men need hugs too. (Did I lose you there?)lol
I find that MANY of my "friends" need the LOVING CARESS that their wives used to give them. Perhaps you dont want a new woman, just that "FEELING" you get when you/we are first in love. That excitement, that "I cant get enough of you" high that exists in the first few months of any relationship.

Husbands just dont get enough SEX (which again translates to LOVE in a man's mind) If I could take those wives aside, I would say "F**K YOUR HUSBAND!!!!", your marriage would be much better for it. "SOME" wives use sex as a weapon or punishment. If the husband hasnt been "prince charming" lately she will withhold sex to whip him back into shape. SHAME ON HER. Then she is actually shocked when she finds him in the arms of another woman or a provider who "IS" F***ing him. :0(

You married "HER", You love "HER",...I dont think some 20 year old "betty" is the answer. I think you just need to talk to her, or (horrible as it is) use "reverse psychology" on her. If she is your BEST FRIEND like you say then it shouldnt be TOO hard to talk to her about how you feel. You need to find out why she let herself go (That's usually a sign of un-happiness) and what she REALLY wants. You are both older now, your needs have changed too...have you and your relationship (with her) changed with them?

My .02 cents

Anyone getting married should have to read and sign a document containing Sable's advice.  I think I'm a pretty good husband, but I have to admit I'm as guilty as most men when it comes to wanting to forgo the "investment" when it comes to getting the desired returns.  Men are more of a cut-to-the-chase animal.

Well said sweetsable!

I think what he wants and expects is a bunch of guys to say, "yeah dude, go get a chick who is younger than you to satisfy you sexually and be your slave."  Then smoke a bunch of pot and pretend to be cool like Kevin Spacey was in the movie.  That is so Californian!  Everyone wants to be an actor or at least pretend to be someone other than who they are.  If your home life isn't messed up, you feel like you have to mess it up to fit in.  What in the world is wrong with providers on the side and a happy marriage too?  Maybe you need to find someone else to pretend to be because Kevin Spacey in American Beauty is just too common of a role for a guy like you to play!!!

Frankly, I have come to the realization that the sex is the easiest thing to get - it only requires money.  The problem is that what he apparently already has, someone who he really gets along well with him, and with whom he has genuine common interests and intellectual and emotional compatibility with, is the toughest part.  But if she were to find out about all the sexual dalliances he has, would he lose the relationship?  Probably.  Unless they talk it out honestly and discover that they both need some type of sexual fulfillment they are not getting.  That would be ideal - either they agree to be each be open and non-exclusive on the sex, but to preserve the emotional and intellectual fidelity between them, or else they start communicating about each of their physical needs and each commits to provide it for the other in an exclusively faithful model.  I think both can work.

If he keeps the status quo, he's going to get burned out by the pressure of maintaining the deception.  The problem they have is that there are many different dimensions in which we interract, and compatibility between individuals is not always the same on all fronts.  But society has hamstrung us into trying to find all of those interractions in the same person, even when that may be unnatural.

Your response is a bit simplistic.  I count myself amongst the ranks that are "mostly satisfied" with my marriage and my post wasn't necessarily meant to solicit the kind of responses that you suggested.  Mostly, I just needed to vent a little over what a bitch life is, that I can have all these material things yet not have a perfect sex life with my wife and feel empty even after seeing attractive providers.
What I left out my post that I should have included was that IF I did trade my relationship with my wife for one with a sexpot younger woman, that I would also likely be slashing my income by at least 1/3 and have to sacrifice the lifestyle I currently enjoy.  Sure, I could still afford to spoil the new chick but could I afford to spoil myself???  World travel?  Gone.  Frivolous spending on myself?  Gone.  What I would be spending would probably be a mediocre car payment such as a VW Cabriolet or BMW 3 Series or similar for her (young enough to still be low maintenance in that respect), bullshit trips to Las Vegas, Hawaii, Cancun and other places that I would not be caught dead at right now and whatever else would be cool to a 22 year old woman.  Shopping sprees that cost $1000 instead of my wife just going and buying the clothes herself without mention.  While the sex would be fun, I don't think it is worth giving what I currently have up for.  Again, just venting and being a spoiled brat for not having an absolutely perfect existence, as if anybody does.
Really, the last thing I want is to mess up my home life.  I have gone to great lengths to protect my secret little world of hobbying which is mostly my reason for not seeing incalls (cannot predict when I will have a couple hours free and must be able to change gears at a moments notice).  Anyway, enough rambling, just wanted to clarify my position.

I would guess most of us out there would like to have the problems you have.

I was at Spa in Inglewood a few months back, and there was a Marinello in the parking lot. I know you've got problems, but it pales to a guy driving a $150K ride and only being able to afford $150 for sex.

If I didn't know better, I'd swear you weren't real, but rather another in a long line of Desperado character inventions.

Have you ever thought of telling your wife how you feel?

Zorro,

I understand your existential angst. It kinda reminds me of that Peggy Lee song, "Is That All There Is?" (see Scorsese's After Hours - it's played at the climax of the flick).

So in an effort to help another, I offer this:

Bottom line: you are either going to travel through this life with someone, or alone - and in the end we always leave it alone. So, make sure that the journey is one you won't regret.

Having said that, the question remains: Is ANOTHER woman really the answer? Maybe you (and boy don't we ALL) need to work on something inside yourself that will give you a greater "sense" of well-being.

I am not sure exactly how old you are, but I am sure that you are now realizing that MONEY is NOT the answer. Maybe you need to get into something that cannot be bought or sold... Believe me, I understand that HAVING money DOESN'T suck, but there comes a time when many of us ask: How many cars, houses, etc., will I need to acquire until I am happy?

If it is really only the aesthetic value of sex that is the issue, remember, EVERYONE gets old (physically and metaphorically), even (especially) the 23-year-old hard body we all yearn for.

Another thing: maybe all the while that you are buying things for your wife, SHE may be wanting something a bit more valuable, namely your love, affection, understanding, etc. Maybe things NEED to come to a head. Tell her how you feel. She may be hurt at first, but you never know. But be prepared, she may have a lot on HER mind too -- things that you may never have given any thought to. Or she may be the one to call it quits. All I know is that sitting paralyzed wondering what “could be” is probably more damaging than what would happen if you took some action in resolving this issue.

Of course, I may be totally off in my appraisal, since I really don't know anything about you or your life. Either way, I hope that whatever you choose to do turns out okay and you find what you are looking for.

Later and good luck,

Mannray

It appears that they have the basis of a good relationship, and they need to work WITH each other to make it better.