Well, I've been monogamous with my ATF for damn near two years now, which is longer than I've ever been monogamous with anyone else (and I've been married twice).  Of course, it's been a pretty one-sided monogamy, considering her occupation and the fact that she also has a boyfriend (but who's usually out of town).  Yeah, I know.  I have a wife too, but she'd be the last one to make a move on my willie, so my faithfulness to my ATF has stood untarnished.

Anyway, I'd been thinking about the fool's purgatory I put myself into (if you've seen my posts on the subject, you know what I'm talking about) for a quite awhile now.  The problem was always that I never wanted to give up hope that things would change for the better.  So I just continued on, miserable, but unwilling to let go.

While I still see her often, I stopped the regular sleep-overs a couple of months ago, and that seems to have changed the course of our relationship.  Now we're rapidly moving to a "just friends" situation which is probably for the best, but we're getting there much faster than I would like.  I guess we had become closer than she wanted, too.  

Well, if we're gonna be just friends now, I figured that I'd better start seeing other girls, if for no other reason than to try to break the spell I've been under all this time.  So I did.  I called up an incall massage ad in one of the local weeklies and had myself a nice rub-down with a "happy ending" (review coming).  Yes, I felt guilty as hell.  But a few days later I hooked up with the girl I was seeing regularly before I met my ATF, and had a wild ride with her.  Yes, I felt guilty after that, too.  But I also felt good, because for once I wasn't pining for my ATF.  

When you put all your eggs in one basket, like I did, that basket becomes a little too important.  So, I'm reluctantly starting to diversify.  The result has been that I don't spend every friggin' minute thinking about our relationship anymore and wishing things were better.  That by itself is an improvement.  It's like waking up from a dream, but I think I'm gonna be OK.

Funny thing is, while my ATF now claims she has no romantic feelings for me, she's still as jealous and possessive as if she were my wife, always trying to make sure I don't have "anything left" for someone else (so yes, it was tough squeezing in two other girls.  My dick's about ready to fall off).  She takes good care of my little head, but it's become very mechanical, like milking a cow (moo).  It's strictly to get me off, and if I tell her I'd rather not this time, she gets even more insistent.  

Sometimes I wonder what she really wants, but I'm not gonna wonder too much.  I'm also not going to worry myself to death anymore over whether or not I'm gonna lose her.  If she goes, she goes.  And good luck to her.  In the meantime, I'll enjoy her company and not expect too much.  Maybe "just friends" is for the best, but what we had before I'll never forget.

So I'm back, and I guess I'm gonna have to start paying for it again...

among the living. I'm glad to hear you're out "gettin amongst it" and feeling better.

BK

I'm not sure if I should welcome you back since I never had the plaesure but I must tell you...despite your situation, I truly enjoyed reading your life's dilemma with the girls. Sorry to say but I wished I could have read more it made me smile all over my face. Well then...welcome back.xoxo Nadia Legs of LA
MakeLoveNotWar.

It's interesting how complicated things can get sometimes.  I entered this "hobby" thinking it was so easy, no strings attached.  However, reading some of the posts here I can see it can be far from that simple.

When I've seen a provider it's been to embellish my social life, not BE my social life.  In fact I see very few providers--in 2002 I saw only 5 providers for a total of 6 sessions (I saw one provider twice).  It seems many more here take this hobby far more seriously than I.

I may be completely off base, but the gist I get from your post is that you are re-entering the game more because you HAVE to than because you WANT to.  Now I'm aware that everyone has different reasons for partaking in this but I can't help feel a bit sorry for you--and I don't mean that in a condescending way.

I'm sorry things did not work out with your ATF, but I can also understand her reluctance to take the next step in your relationship.  Being a successful escort requires a clear head, and a romantic relationship might distract her from that.  As long as she is committed to this line of work an escort wishing to keep some emotional distance is understandable.

Good luck.

You have a wife but you've been monogamous?
It sounds as though you've been living a sort
of pseudo-married life...you polyamorous guy.
Sounds like you're doing the right thing,
in seeing others, but I'd recommend you
consider making a clean break with the ATF.
Don't prolong the agony.
Read about the stages of grief.

Does anybody remember Bobby McFarrin and
a song he sang?

I also think a clean break is the best way to handle the ATF situation...You both clearly blurred some lines (waving the donation, sleep-overs,holding out hope for a future..etc.)Maybe after some time apart, those lines can be re-drawn and you can see her again in the "Fantasy" Provider/Hobbyist roles you once played and need to re-establish again...Good Luck Sweetie///Robyn

A clean break is what you need, I think.

-Anya

I need an escort right now to get over my sexual frustrations of my last trip with my ATF - how sick is that?  Wasn't the reason we sought these girls out was because we weren't getting what we desired at home?  Now we need to step out on our ATF's???  Is this a completely nutty world or what?

Hey Mel I am with you I did the same right after I got my divorce. I started seening my ATF and got back were I was with my ex and then started seening another SP to get over my frustrations from the other SP. Then I got really hooked on this girl and saw her for the last 2.5 years and then aked her to marry me screwed up world is right.

Thanks.  I'm glad you enjoyed reading my experiences, bizarre as they may be.  It was therapeutic for me to write about them, too.  I have a lot of stories.  If you want to hear more, email me.  [email protected]

BTW, I like your ad.  Is your hair still short like that?

-- Modified on 1/16/2003 10:21:02 PM

Sometimes you feel like no one else could understand, especially when you're involved in this "other world" of ours.  But you've shown me that I'm not alone, and that many of you have had to deal with similar (or worse) situations.

Yeah, life is crazy.  I never thought I'd do anything like this, but then I walked right into it with both eyes open.  Can't say I'm surprised how it turned out, and I can't say why I still did it.

Several of you mentioned a clean break with my ATF being the best course for me, but I can't bring myself to do it.  In spite of our differences and the recent changes in our relationship, we're still pretty good friends.  I'd like to at least keep that.  I've got to admit she's one of the more colorful people I've ever met (I haven't told you the half of it), and I'm better off for having known her.  It's changed the way look at myself, you guys, and you ladies too.

Thanks again!

PC