OK wise members of TER, need your opinion.  I have been seeing a young lady for about 5 months now, and we have gotten very serious in that time (I believe she is "the one" for me, and she's ready to take our relationship to the next level when I am).  Some time back, we had discussed the fact that she had anal with an ex-boyfriend 6 times, when she was about 19 years old.  I love anal, and asked her if it would be in the cards for us.  She made it clear to me that she does not enjoy anal whatsoever, but that she would let me do it if I really wanted it.  She also told me that it hurt every time she tried it in the past.  Just the other day, I asked, and she reluctantly said OK to taking a trip on the Greek isles.  I lubed her and myself up, did some stretching, and tried to stick it in.  Before I stuck it in, after about half a minute of trying, she told me she could not go through with it, because it "hurts too much."  For the past several days, it has really been bothering me that she was willing to put up with the pain for her ex-boyfriend's pleasure, but not for me, even though our relationship is more serious than she has ever been with anyone.  I asked her why, and she had no good answer.  Let me also say that I think she is the best person that I have ever been with...she's caring, beautiful, sincere, has a great heart, and really likes to take care of me.

Am I being unreasonable or selfish?  Or am I a sucker for letting myself get very serious with someone who will not give her all to me?  In my view, it is not the fact that she refuses to do anal with me, but the underlying issue that she places certain sexual limits on our relationship that she didn't place in her prior relationship.  Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do??

It has nothing to do with you or your "relationship".  If she fastasized about shoving a baseball bat up your ass would you allow it because she really wanted to try it? No, you would not.  Why?  Because it would hurt!  I think you need to become a better listener, a bit more considerate, and a lot less selfish!  After all she is "the best person that you have ever been with... she's caring, beautiful, sincere, has a great heart, and really likes to take care of YOU."  Try taking care of HER and stop pressuring her into doing something she doesn't want to do!

Yes- you are being totally selfish, as well as kinda immature. Any person has the right to change their mind at any time....that is first and foremost.

Secondly- kinda playing the devils advocate here- maybe your lady wanted to try Greek, having never done it before. So she does, it hurts, and she doesn't like it. Prior boyfriend convinces her "the more you do it, the less it will hurt.....and all girls LOVE it once they get used to it." So they try it a few more times. Perhaps she tries out a few different positions, or tries to get really drunk/high and see if that works. No matter what, it is never pleasurable. So she makes the decision that greek just isn't for her. Perhaps it makes her uncomfortable in more ways then the physical, but for whatever reason she never wants to try it again.

Now considering that- do you see how you can come off sounding like a jerk? Is it really that important for you to get something just because someone else did. Life isn't always fair!

On a final note- let her f*ck you in the a$$ with a toy comparable to your own member. See how you like it. If you did, I would definitley let you return the favor

those 5 words alone sum up what kind of person you are...good grief

I can't agree more.  But, I still want to put in my two cents.  If you truly cared for this woman, which includes such characteristics as trust and respect; if you really saw this woman as your equal and as a likely life-partner, you'd let her know you'd like to try greek, back off, and let her decide when she's in the mood.  Besides, I've done greek a number of times.  Some of my girlfriends really love it.  Others don't.  As for me, I don't think greek is all it's cracked up to be (grin).

If a woman says "NO" its "NO."

She was trying to accomodate you and tried Greek.
Sometimes it takes more than once time to get someone excited by it.
Also, in her mind,  she might assume that this time will hurt because the other times had.


I know for myself when I first started Greek I hated it.
It hurt!! The men that I was with knew nothing on arousing and preparing a woman for it.
After years of not letting anyone (even though in the past I tried), I found a man who did it perfectly. He took his time, did not rush, excited me through and through. Now, I love greek and love to try it different ways (instead of doggie). My favorite way is mish and I can come a lot better that way then any other.

Give her time, she might come around.

Shaye

Take a piece of advice my friend. Enjoy and cherish what you have because it may not be there tomorrow! And if you ever bring up what you have discussed here to her again about being treated like another boyfriend or other lovers, you are asking for it! Bringing it up would be like giving a three year old a loaded revolver to play with, no good can result from it!

Once upon a time, I saw a provider that was the best, bar none, total class act as a companion and a person. I had read her reviews and seen all of the different things that she had done with different hobbyists. We had not shared some of those intamacies and I made the stupid, boneheaded, self-centered mistake of mentioning that in an e-mail when I was angry and emotional about a problem we were having. That probably helped contribute to the ending of the relationship by her. Even if you say something that you really don't mean in anger, you may never get the opportunity to apologize or make things right. I felt embarrassed afterwards because there were things that she and I had shared in both sexual and non-sexual activities which we had not with anyone else. And I lacked the confidence in myself for however brief a moment to appreciate and remember that critical fact!

To sum it up, if you care about her as a friend or otherwise, try placing your needs second to hers. If you give her room to be herself and accept her for who she is, the friendship will have a chance to grow and mature. You will also find that you are happier and that when you do share those intimate moments they are much more pleasureable and satisfying!

As Emerson said 'the ability to place your needs second to others is the ultimate achievement in life'. Please appreciate what you have and don't get caught up in the comparison to others 'crap'. Good friends are hard to come by!

Good luck!

except that it was about the girl had sex with 2 men in her wild days.  It would probably illustrate best how she would feel and what would happen if you keep pushing it.

Good luck.

Patience, gentle touch and lots of lube - think too much lube, and then use more. Start with gentle caresses of the area, and make sure your hands are scrupulously clean - the natural oils on your fingers can be an irritant to tender flesh, especially inside. When she's relaxed and getting into the feelings, apply gentle pressure with a freshly manicured finger - no sharp nails. Let her control the pressure, she should invite your finger inside. Once you gain entrance, hold still for a while so that she can become accustomed to the feeling. Her body should control every move, and at any point she should be able to say 'enough' without you getting upset. It's her asshole, remember, and you can't know what she's feeling.
If and when you introduce a finger all the way, move slowly. Be aware of her comfort at all times, and go slowly. Don't expect that you're going to spend 5 minutes playing with her and then get the assfuck of your life - be prepared to play using your fingers or very small butt plugs several times before you ever attempt to use your dick.
You can figure out the rest - it's a rewarding experience for those who are patient and caring, and a nightmare for those who aren't. Act like you care about all of her and the rewards are awesome - and that doesn't only apply to anal sex.

I avoided greek for years due to the fact that I was gang raped when I was 15.  My ex-fiance wanted to do it and I wasn't able to let him... that became a sore spot in our relationship.  I always thought him selfish and self-centered because of that and I was always hurt that he cared more for his own sexual satisfaction than the feelings and memories that came up everytime someone even went near that place....  We broke up because of his being selfish, self-centered, and eventually extremely abusive, physically and mentally.

Perhaps your partner hasn't told you everything about her past.  Maybe something happened to her that she doesn't feel comfortable telling you about, or for that matter, maybe she doesn't even remember herself!!!  People do block things out that are too painful to remember.  

A word of encouragement though.... While Greek is not on my menu most of the time,  I do allow my current SO as well as a few select clients to partake in this activity with me.  The reason that I'm emotionally able to do this is because my current SO helped me come to terms with what happened and realize tht it wasn't my fault... He was very patient and it took a really long time... But it made our relationship stronger.

xoxo
C

I used to think I could be a little selfish and insecure as a boyfriend.  Thanks to your post I now feel like a pretty damn giving and secure person.  Based on your post, I would say that she probably did like her last boyfriend better...but who can blame her.

Men don't have a pussy so I can't relate how it feels to have a long hard rod inserted in one.

Both males and females have rectums--so we can relate equally to the sensation of the anus. After all, men do get get raped in prison.

Is she being unreasonable? Are you being unreasonable?
Can't answer the question unless you experience the sensation first hand. Buy a vibrator, lube it up, and stick it in there or have her stick it in you and see for yourself how it feels.

If it is tolerable to you, then she may have unfounded fears and you need to work on relaxing her first. If it is painful, then you may have to drop the idea and let it go...

I have never been fascinated with anal. I just love a woman's vagina so much and this is what separates the sexes--I am obssesed with it i couldn't pay enough attention to the other hole...

Well put.  Early in my marriage, I was a little more adventurous than my late wife.  She'd give in on oral, but not TC.  And anal...well, that was right out.  But, as we grew, I asked her to allow me to come in her mouth, and then pass the semen to me.  That way, I was able to get a clear idea of what I was asking her to do.  Eventually, she developed a taste for it (especially if I loaded up on strawberries for a few days).  We did the same for anal:  I insisted my wife let me have it with a strap-on.  Once I began to see what it was I was asking of her, I backed down right away.  Oddly though, once I'd demonstrated my desire for empathy, my wife began to warm up to the idea, and occassionally -- like four times a year -- she'd get a wild hare, and decided I should go cave exploring, as she put it.  Once, as a joke, she even gave me a little two-inch round miner's hat with a working light on it. I still have it.

It hurts her....it hurt her with her past lover and she realizes it will still hurt her, even with you.  She's wisened up. You should too.

...maybe your dick's bigger than his was.  Console yourself with that.  

If she doesn't want to do it, why pressure her?  She'll only resent you if you insist on it, or pout because she won't.  If anal is really that important to you, maybe she's not the one for you.  Or maybe you need to see someone else on the side who will let you do it.

-- Modified on 4/28/2003 6:23:48 PM

What's the big deal?  Go ahead and have your anal-free relationship with her but find a nice provider who loves it up the butt...Simple!  Personally, I've never really been interested in anal but I occasionally encounter girls who love it so I do it.  I'm always afraid I'm going to hurt them even though they're like "just shove it in!" and its damn hard to get in.  So for those reasons, its just a big turn off for me.  Come to think of it, I hate it.  But I can kinda relate since what I really love is BBBJTCWS and I just can't get interested in girls who don't do that for me.  While its not pain for some girls, it does make some girls sick to their stomach.  I would never pressure a girl who didn't want to do it for me though.  Just accept the fact that she doesn't feel comfortable with that and if you really need it then either have a girl on the side who will or leave her.
Cheers

Thanks for your advice and for not ripping me like everybody else.

If you're that hung up on the whole anal deal then be a wise guy and get her a butt plug and let her sleep with it to ease her into the evil deed.

Meanwhile, you, and all you other people who are passing judgment on me, probably are cheating on your SOs and risking the chance of giving them STDs.  You're all a bunch of phonies.

Not everyone ripped you, though plenty did.  But then you asked the question, didn't you?  Take your lumps like a man instead of lashing out with off-topic accusations.  We'll respect you more.

Ummmm clamlick,

I find it very interesting that you are lurking at TER in the first place. This is a place where guys share experiences with providers--good or bad. Being married or involved with a SO is not the issue here.

Have you tried searching for forums out there specifically catering to single guys having sex with girlfriends--the good the bad and the ugly--so to speak?

You will only get replies here from hobbyists and providers.

BTW, I didn't rip you (sorry for the pun). I thought I offered a logical answer to the question posed. Do unto others.......

...to mine, but it wasn't meant for me.  Ask her.  I hope you meant this for clamlick, not me.

-- Modified on 4/29/2003 7:30:52 PM

Reid you want advice, or validation?

Papercup, my message was not directed toward you.  I appreciate constructive criticism and advice, but no name-calling.

I'm sorry, refresh my memory?  Who did I light into, and when??

My point is that most of us here are not in a position to pass judgment and engage in name-calling because we disagree with someone else's view, since most of us (I say "us" even though I'm not married), around 50%, have some skeletons in our own closets.

I bet not.  I would say it's probably for the same reasons.  Yes, you are selfish & immature.  Stop blaming her for your stupidity.  As for her giving herself completely to you, the only person worthy of that is herself.

Lizzy

this is a easy question to answer...if you really care about her and she says it hurts......why the hell would u want to do something that hurts her????

"should"..
To me, it hurts like a motherf**er - I'd rather give natural birth to 4 sets of twins!
It felt seriously as if my intestines were getting punctured; the pain in my stomach was so bad I felt nauseous and definitely NOT pleasurable at all.
Seems more designed for something going out, than in..

Sedona