This is a serious question, that I hope will be answered in the same way.

After the loss of a spouse, what do the members think would be a suitable period of mourning before visiting providers. The physical aspects would be beneficial but must be matched against the emotional issues involved. Also, if the visit is less GFE, would there be a difference? In the case of a 'noraml' return to dating after the loss, there are obviously varying estimates and the case would be much different, but in this case would it be treated as more of a therapeutic visit rather than a betrayal of the deceased?

Thanks

The Viking

The easy response is: it depends.

There is no right answer. For me personally I would think that a provider would be a nice thing, but everyone experiences providers differently as well as death.

Human contact has been proven as a necessity for a healthy mind. Remember I said contact. So a provider can give as much or as little contact as needed. A provider does not require the preliminary relationship generally required to obtain that contact. (I know it is strange to think this is not just about sex and money for some of you.)

But be careful that in the weakend emotional state, a new loss creates, this person doesnt get confused with real love and paid for companionship.

I hope this helps and I hope I was clear and respectful to all parties.

IMHO, the right time is only determined by your capacity to re-join the mainstream of life. If you think of things other than the ones at hand (so to speak) you'll only wind up with disappointment! (Please don't go by societal "rules" - this is entirely subjective - YOU must be comfortable - no one else)!!!

As far as GFE is concerned... again it depends on you! - If you need GFE to help you or make the time truly enjoyable, then you really should partake of it.

I hope you get through this with as little hurt as possible.

Be well.

I haven't seen post lately, but a while ago he posted a gorgeous poem that he wrote about his departed wife.  I would think you can find it by doing a search for his posts (I don't remember if it was the national or a regional board though).

Also, he is an extremely nice gentleman and if he still checks TER I don't believe he would mind you emailing him.

I can only imagine the pain you feel and I hope you find comfort someday.

Best wishes.

My condolensces to you Viking. I share a similar fate. My wife also died(35 yrs old). The answer IMHO is probably going to vary for each individual. In my case a year or so passed before I pursued anything(I was aware of providers and thought about it long before pursuing). Who knows what the right time is. Time isnt the issue but your "feelings" are. To thine own self be true. As far as your question about GFE, that would depend upon what it is you are looking to fullfill; intimacy or just balls to the walls sex. Personally, I find the the providers that are more GFE much more fullfilling, but that is my preference. I wish you the best Viking. Feel free to PM me if you would like more feedback.[EOM]

Eastern cultures (not sure if it's Buddhist or Shinto) have this 100 period of mourning.  Then you move on.  You never forget or take the deceased for granted, but you move on...

best wishes if you are experiencing this most difficult of times...

As was stated in one of the above posts, It depends.
While I have never experienced a loss through death of a spouse,
I have experienced the loss of my marriage,
I think that these two losses can be equal in many ways,
I can say that you will go through certain stages of emotions
such as guilt and despair and withdrawal in griefing your loss.
I am guessing that it was you who suffered the loss and I offer
may heartfelt condoleses,
And as the first post states, You may be in a weakened state
of mind, so you may need to be very careful in your quest
to partake of the hobby and not confuse love with sex.
Each person griefs and deals with their loss in their own
time. So there is no ideal set time frame to think of as being
over your loss. Its all up to you as to what you can handle
at this time. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
Its your life and your loss, and no one can even begin to
feel the pain that you have suffered or the loneliness that
you probably have in your heart.
Just my .02 cents and take care.
                                 Trooper

First of all, let me tell you how sorry I am for your loss.  Having the same experience I do know exctly what the feelings and emotions of such a loss are.

I waited 1 year.  After that year ended I took a brief vacation and met a provider in La Vegas.  It was my first "cyber-date" with a provider with a web site.  It was my choice to wait that year, and that choice was simply based on my own feelings.  She was what I perceived what GFE was at that time.  I later changed my definition of GFE, but I was looking for that type of service.

There is however, a major difference between your situation and mine.  I was completely faithful to my wife during my marriage, and although I did hobby back in the 70s and early 80s before I was involved with her, I did "retire" for the 12 years that we were together.  If I'm reading your review history correctly, you did hobby while you were married, and that may make some difference in your mind.

I am not making any judgement about you by bringing this up, just making an observation that may make some difference between you and me.

I do hope that can find what you need and are able to move on.

F.

If you passed away when your wife was alive, how long would you want her to wait before having sex with multiple male sexual partners?






What do you mean it's not the same thing?

You have my sympathy for your loss.  Though I have not been in this position, I have several friends who have. A big danger following the loss of a spouse is falling into a knee-jerk relationship based upon your physical needs. (i.e. The little head thinking for the big head).  A close friend lost his wife a few years ago. About 3 months after she passed, I could sense that he was "looking" (actually, he was being hit on by every female that he knew; you know, an attractive male of 50, good job, a very nice person, etc, etc). I was concerned that he was going to fall into something that he would regret. So I discretely suggested that, upon his next visit to San Francisco, he visit a providor.  He did so, and thanked me for helping him avoid a big mistake.

As others have posted, the question of "when" is one that only you can answer.
Good Look

-- Modified on 9/16/2003 9:48:08 PM

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.  As others have stated there is great individual differences in grieving process.  Some of it is culturally based and some of it depends upon how much a person "bottles up" emotion.  Generally people move through a series of stages in the griving process.  The first involves a feeling of being overwhelmed.  A stage that is seldom discussed involves becoming angry at the person who died, usually resulting from a feeling of abondoment.  Those who are lucky build a "new relationship" based upon memories and gain peace.  Many find help through support groups, etc.  I wish you the best in coping with one of the worst experiences that life offers.  

To directly answer your question: don't worry about what others think.  When you feel like seeing a provider that is when sufficient time has passed.

If my wife started back quickly I would take it as a compliment.  Our sexual relationship made her feel so good about sex that she missed the feelings and wanted to find it again...Harry

Well, I'll most likely get slammed for this.  But judge away!
My  wife passed away ten years ago and it was very painful. I did not get over it for a long time. But I was banging her sister three weeks after.  Seems insensitive I Suppose.  But you need to understand that my wife and her sister in appearance were almost as close as twins.  I would look into the sister's face and see my wife. With the pain and the longing, it was pretty hard not to do it.  Flame away! Maybe you'll be there some day.

My wife was ill with terminal cancer for 1 1/2 years before she passed away.  We went through chemo, surgery and radiation and sex was far from our mind.  As things progressively got worse I sought out a couple providers, for the sexual release, the intimacy and the conversation.  It helped make me be stronger for the inevitable.  When the time came, my wife passed in my arms.  I have a special place in my heart for the ladies that helped me through this.  As to your situation, as some have mentioned, it is up to you when it feels right.  Remember that your sexual health plays a great part in your overall well being and emotional state.  I had initial concerns that I might be vulnerable and become too attached to a provider.  This proved not to be the case, thanks in part to the wonderful providers I saw.  I wish you the best.  PM me if you would like to talk.

I don't think people would or could judge someone completely until they've walked in their shoes, so am not sure you even would get 'flamed'.

I do, however, have a problem with your choice of wording..

One of my first clients ever was a man in his 60s who had lost his wife to cancer a year before.  The thought of dating someone in the civilian world scared him but he missed the closeness, touching and sexual release.  He had married at age 19 and had been faithful to his wife until her death.  I was the only other woman he had ever been with and he was nervous and feeling guilty (thinking he was betraying her memeory.)  For the most part all we did was talk and cuddle .... there was very little sexual activity.  If you need to see a providor for the emotional release as well as the physical release I believe your wife would more than understand.  I doubt she would be happy to see you suffering alone.

My condolences and do what feels right for you.

I take your point Sedona and will consider my hand slapped.

if you and she are satisfied with what happened, then who is to argue. Personally, I'm happy for you in that you found an answer (or at least solace) so quickly.

Were you fortunate enough to stay with her long term?

Be well, friend.

Everyone's different, and everyone has different needs and different situations.  So long as nobody was hurt, and that it was all consentual, then why would anyone here flame you?  I suppose you were fortuunate to have that outlet.

But I will agree with Sedona on your choice of wording.