Last month, my nephew committed suicide on his 23rd birthday.  He was intelligent, good looking, talented, charming, and he totally lost hope and gave up.  None of my family foresaw this as even possible.  He had no previous attempts.  He didn't seem depressed, and put on a calming smile for the family. Actually he was completely despondent and told his friend it was one more year he didn't want.  That was the only warning, and he was gone.  Ironically, he hated to fail like nobody else I've ever known; so his suicide plan was just perfectly laid out; without foreknowledge of the plan, it could have never been thwarted.      

I helped raise him when he was a baby and toddler.    He was my sister's first child, my parents' first grandson, and the first baby born in the neo-natal unit of that hospital.  All those beginnings and hopes have ended.  We never got the middle.  We never will.  It is a crater.  He stole from everyone 70 years of his life.  

My family is in agony.  My sister and her ex are shattered.  I had a nervous breakdown about it.  His brothers and his closest cousin are numbed. The friend who he told is going to be racked by guilt for her whole life.  

Over the years, he stopped talking to members of his family, and his circle of friends shrank.  He cut himself off.  He never had an SO and never married.  His slide into solitude happened so gradually that nobody noticed.  We just thought he kept to himself.  This should have been a warning, because he was intelligent, charming and good looking.  

I've dealt with this as far as it can be dealt with right now, and I must help my sister cope.  

I'm writing to vent this grief, and to tell everyone that the signs of depression can be very subtle in adolescents and friends and that a smoke screen of shame could be the main symptom that you see.  As I have learned now, you may have nothing else to alert you and no second chance.  

But I also do want to thank some marvelous friends in this community who found out about this tragedy, and who have given me their condolences and emotional support.  You know who you are.  Thank you for everything you've said and done to help.          


-- Modified on 2/10/2006 10:23:15 PM

zinaval, I'm so sorry for your loss.  Losing a loved one to suicide is a very particular sort of pain.  My goodlooking, very intelligent, outgoing and fun ex-boyfriend committed suicide when he was 23.

I went through denial (it's a mistake, it's not him), numbness, sadness and anger.  Just who does he think he is to cause this pain to his family?  He absolutely adored his baby sister but she was barely two years old, she wouldn't even remember him.  How could he leave her?

Your nephew is now at peace.  Your pain is here and real but try to take some comfort from the fact he is no longer in pain.

I well understand those feelings, and am sorry to hear that he was overtaken by them.

By the same token, I know how much all of this must have affected you, and I am glad to know that whatever you have gone through so far, you are still here talking about it.  You have a lot of strength that you are sharing with your family.  Be aware of that, because it is needed.

Peace to you, Mr. C.  Hang in there.

Your family has my deepest sympathy, especially his parents. As one who has had eight relatives die in the past few years, one of which was by suicide, I can say that nothing comes close to the grief of losing someone to suicide.

Aside from all of the obvious "why?", "what could I have done?" questions, I think the thing that made me saddest was knowing, after it was too late, that this person was in so much pain they wanted to die.  To me being that unhappy is unimaginable. (I mean we all have our bad days-- but suicide?)

The sad thing is your nephew may have been suffering from depression or something that could have been treated, but unfortunately he didn't give himself a chance to get help.

As sad as it is the reality isn't we can't live other peoples lives.  We can only be supportive and helpful if the opportunity is given.  It sounds like your nephew never really gave anyone that chance.

All I can say from personal experience is that the pain will ease with time.

My warm wishes go out to you.  As one who lost his son to a drunk driver and watched the tragic loss and emptiness it has caused, I sympathisize with you. Everyone heals in different ways, some with counselors, some with books, some with friends, some with religion, some with groups like Compassionate Friends (which I suggest as a resource).  There is no right or wrong. The point being, it is very difficult to take this journey alone, do not be afraid to reach out to any of these resources.  As you can see, three things are and will be clear, it changes you forever most view life totally different, it is a long process to return from the initial shock and behavior changes, and it is very difficult to di it alone. The pain will always be there and will sneak up on you with a song, a scent, or an image. How you accept and process the pain determines the quality of life you have.  Good luck and know that others have travelled this road successfully.

My sympathy for you and your family is boundless.  All I can offer as someone who is bipolar and has come within a hair's breadth of ending it all is that the fault is not yours or of any who loved your nephew.  Trough years of therapy with kind and loving people, I have learned that the choice was his and his alone.  Tormenting yourselves with "what ifs", "should have's", "could have's" and their ilk, while part of the grieving process, transfers the guilt to you from where it really lies - with your nephew.

I don't mean to be clinical.  I know it hurts and mere words won't change that.  My prayers are with you and your family.  If I can you in any way, feel free to PM me (manic depressive is my real handle).

There are no words I can offer to ever remove the pain. That is something we all will have to live with throughout our lives. I just hope that the suffering over it subsides.

I am sure it would seem that it will never feel any different and less intense, but it will.

It is a terrible thing to lose someone, especially the way it happened.

Much love and lessened suffering.

Bear

-- Modified on 2/11/2006 6:35:08 AM

I'd wondered where you'd been.
zinaval, my heart goes out to you and your family at this tragic news.
I hope you and yours are able to find a measure of solace and comfort.
I grieve with Thee.

I'm very sorry to hear that. My thoughts is with you and your family.

You have my condolences for your terrible loss, zinaval. I hope the pain will ease as time goes on. The mind is such a complex thing. Try to concentrate on the many good memories your nephew left you during his short time here.

I hope all who read your post take heed to your warning about subtle changes in one's personality that can lead to this terrible tragedy. While in high school, two of my daughter's classmates committed suicide. I actually met one of the boys and found it so shocking that he could have done this. He was much the same as you described your nephew. People, if you see personality changes in a loved one or friend, please do not be afraid to check things out and intervene if necessary. It could save a life.

You know I'm thinking of you every day and wishing you and your family a speedy recovery from the initial shock of this tragedy.

I don't want to pretend and tell you that it gets easier, but I can tell you that you stop feeling guilty after awhile . . . and don't feel guilty. He chose to be on another plane with a final destination. Our journey still lingers. I believe he is out there somewhere -- finally in peace -- and looking after you, your sister and family. I believe his spirit wants to guide you and family now, which he felt he couldn't do on Earth. He will always be there when you least expect it, "carrying you instead of walking beside you," and he is paving a path for your family with which you may someday call home. Remember the good things about him, talk to him if you need to and never give up hope that you will not see him again. For I believe that in the end, we all come together -- in some form of spiritual gathering.

Hugs,
Ciara

My condolences to you and your family.
You will be in my prayers.

Thank you for posting here.
it will help, as I know you are aware.
There are many really supportive people here who will help with your grief.

One flaxon haired beauty in particular, who we both know, has been a great source of support for me in my many trials.
I consider her a dear, best friend.
Use us as you need, we are here to help you through this tough time.

While we always don't agree on everything, we always agree that we need each other.

Just my opinion...
B

As yet pain like this has been mercifully spared me so I can't offer empathy; only sympathy.

  Your nephew's "answer" to his troubles is all too common as demonstrated by just the responses here so far. We all know someone or either have had periods of despair ourselves that foster these thoughts. Trite as it may sound the simplest, most logical and poignant counsel I have ever heard is "Suicide is a permanent answer for an otherwise temporary problem"

 God speed bro'

At times like these, soothing words are difficult to express, but I'd like to extend to both you and your family my sincerest sympathy and condolences.

...This may simply have been a matter of unmedicated depression.

Sorry for your loss.

Where there is love there is pain.
Spanish Proverb

My deepest condolences on the loss to you and your family. This is such a shame. No one can ever effectively know what is transpiring in any certain individuals mind. Obviously there were no outward signs of deep depression. Had that desperation been known, it could have been dealt with, either through conseling or medication. I also grieve for the one friend who will now carry those guilt feelings forever. I've suffered a lot of loss in my life, and it is an excruciating pain that never really leaves.

 All my best to you and your family during this period. I am so sorry!

    SS

I had to watch my Uncle go through thirty years of emotional struggle. His first attempt was at the age of 30 and is third and final attempt was at the age of 60. It was horrible to see the devastating impact it had on my cousins.

Mental illness is no laughing matter. Unfortunately it usually affects the family most. Time will heal most of the wounds. Talking about it helps.

Stay well and just know that you've got friends here.

Kubler Ross's stages of grieving.

I am glad you have family to share and be comforted by, and to comfort them. As someone who lost their entire family to a drunk driver 20 years ago, I can relate to your feelings.  I got stuck in the anger stage for a year and it was not something I ever want to do again. Especially since I was alone.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need or want.

TMT

Zin, although we have never met, let me offer my condolences for your terrible loss. Your pain will ease as time goes on. Time really heals.  You need to remember the many good memories you have with the times you spent with your nephew.

I had a close work assoicate bail off the Golden Gate Bridge about 3 year ago. Same story, nobody but maybe his ex suspected in advance.
 It's not your fault. After the fact everyone feels like they should have done something... but that's just the legacy of guilt most suicides leave us.
 Drugs, counselling, hugs, reaching out-- how can anyone but the busiest of busybodies cut through the islolation for impose a cure on him who doesn't want it?  It would have taken a full intervention, probably...
 Most of us just agreed to try to be a little kinder to each other, that's all we could do.

Every word, every encouragement, softens the harshness of this a little.  This is a community of marvelous people.  I appreciate all of you.