Get a grip on yourself, man.
You pay them to leave, not to cry on their shoulders, and not to chase after them. She is not your girlfriend. Stop treating her like one.
Snap back to reality.
that is trusted too much and trusted not enough.
several providers have entrusted me with their "real" identities and i know where they live. i know people who know them and have invited them to meet friends of mine who are sympathetic to my quirks and would not judge.
unfortunately you can sometimes through accident, having too many friends in common, have just too much information.
so i've been puzzled for a while why one of my favorites has been avoiding me.
yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks.
she's afraid i'll try to extort her into doing things she doesn't want or try to profit from her personal ituation about which i know quite a lot. i have too damn many friends where she lives.
perhaps she doesn't believe that i am the kind and gentle person who would never dream of doing such a thing? i mean many clients are out to scam whatever they can, right? perhaps i seem to be too nice and honorable to be true?
anyway i compounded the problem by letting her know i have come to understand all this. it probably would have been better to just let it all drop but i do have this "fix it" impulse and wanted to let her know this would be my last communication unless she invited a return. i wanted to remove the worry that she may have been experiencing.
probably a mistake. she may figure i am doing the opposite, just deepening my evil snares.
so i am posting this publicly to documetn my own unique error. i guess there are times when you can care too much about folks welfare, can be too kind and folks have their own reasons to freak out.
so i think i am going to redouble my efforts to find life style changes other than compensated dating to get my stresses down and squeeze a few more years of happy experiences out of this body of mine.
i just think that maybe i don't fit into this community so well. when good intentions can have such a bad effect.... maybe i'm in the wrong place.
i may disappear from the boards and this community because of this unfortunate misunderstanding. i'm tired and full of regrets.
Never had the problem you have expressed. Sadly mine is one of the opposite. Many of the ladies I've seen more than once and I've either gone on to date (civie style) or gotten close to doing that.... I've pulled back from. And these are the smart, well educated, articulate beautiful escorts - others only dream about. This is a public apologie to all of them.
I am so sorry to one whose calls I don't return.
I am so sorry to the one who had cancer and I did not rush to her side.
I am so sorry to the one whose affections I just could not return....'
I am so sorry to the one I only call to pester with my own personal issues.... (this one in the middle of the night - I might add)
in this hobby, pulling back is a very natural tendency - the above are rare: or so I think.
I wish you well, as I have found your posts to be honest and well-intentioned. Not silly like mine are prone to be. We are all in the wrong place.... it is called planet Earth and we are all here (provider and escort alike) in what I like to call the human condition.... for after all - we are all only human. I say that not as an excuse, rather a statement of fact.
Oddly enough, I have more regrets in my civie life that I have in this one. get some rest, think about it... and get some "years of happy experiences" - then come back here, and tell us what they were. I could use some today.
Be well my friend.
now that i think of it the BO is a simpler explanation.
thanks for the laugh!
"I think; there-for I am" Socrates?(how the hell should I know?). I am not a vet here. My opinion won't amount to a sh--hill of beans when I'm gone; take a couple of deep breathes and re-evaluate. There is no shame in 'VACAT(E)ion. People do it all the time. Noone can live your life but you. I've enjoyed your 'prose'.
Actually, it was Rene Descartes who said "I think, therefore I am." A psychological proof that we do exist. But who really gives a shit? The most important thing is to do what will make one feel happy. I too have an ATP that seems to have disappeared with no e-mails etc. as to what't going one. It can hurt because you do care for people. But, hey, life moves on. However, we can't help thinking, because we are! Ciao!
Thanx. Don't want to get gaught 'misquoting'. These wacko's will tear me appart.
Texcat -- I like your posts. You are clearly an honest and kind man.
We live in an age of nearly universal manipulation and deceit. Even generally positive people become cynical and perform calculations to assure their best interests; calculations based not on what you will actually do, but what you COULD do, given evil intentions.
Amazingly, in a world so apparently devoid of religion; the default assumptions of original sin and innate evil hold sway within a secular context. They are religious without knowing; but fail to temper their conceptions of the depravity of human nature with more romanticized ideas of the heroic possibilities of man.
I've always been kind; and when I first moved to the big city, I was really dismayed by how people reacted to me. There was either suspicion (e.g. "What in the world does HE want?") or an implicit assumption of weakness. (Folks sometimes miss that true kindness often comes from strength and self-assurance.)
Eventually, I came to a point of peace in understanding that there are many people who -- for many many reasons -- cannot cope very well with genuine kindness and human caring. I've learned to identify such people and withdraw and instead expend that energy on people who can appreciate it and benefit from it. People who can understand its reality without trying to take advantage.
It is important to withdraw from those who cannot cope with kindness; because their rejection of kindness is painful to the kind person. It can transfer their scars to you.
The one thing I want you to take away from this is that it is not your fault that others have difficulty with your kindness. You should continue to be what you are. You just need to do it in a place where it is more appreciated.
People can have difficulty coping with genuine kindness for any number of reasons; but almost always it can be summarized as the fact they have either been wounded before, or doubt their own capacity to genuinely reciprocate.
Especially within a hobbying context, if you encounter people who cannot cope with kindness -- don't invest further kindness. It hurts you and, in a certain way, it hurts them. The sorts of wounds that lead to an incapacity to cope with or reciprocate kindness are not the kinds of wounds that a hobbyist can fix for a provider; and would be a rather daunting task even in a civie relationship.
Hobbyists need boundaries too. Not just boundaries pertaining to infatuation (to which most of us are largely immune anyway, I suspect); but also to prevent over-investment of kindness and similar emotions where they might not be appreciated.
Please be well -- you're a good man. And whether they realize it or not, those providers who have seen you have been lucky.
that offered by Saint Peter:
"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour" (I Peter 5:8).
or that offered by Miguel de Cervantes:
"I've been a soldier and a slave. I've seen my comrades fall in battle or die more slowly under the lash in Africa. I've held them in my arms at the final moment. These were men who saw life as it is, yet they died despairing. No glory, no brave last words, only their eyes, filled with confusion, questioning "Why?" I don't think they were wondering why they were dying, but why they had ever lived. When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? To surrender dreams - -this may be madness; to seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness! But maddest of all - -to see life as it is and not as it should be."
my Karma
In any event, I do not wish to be conditioned by anyones dogma lol
have you seen this bumpersticker:
MY KARMA RAN OVER MY DOGMA
Yep......
the fact that it still surprises me when things turn out this way at least means that i have not become cynical or hardened yet.
thankful for that and for your reminder.
It's been my experience that too many ladies want to tell me their life story and identifying information, especially but certainly not exclusively newer / younger ladies.
When we're naked together, and perhaps really like one another, it's too easy to forget that this is an illegal interprise with serious consequences to both parties if TMI gets out there somehow. And though we are intimate physically, we are not in a committed relationship with any pledge of fidelity or mutual care.
Ladies who are in too much of a hurry to divluge personal information make me nervous. It may sound hard hearted, but they are a security risk to themselves and to their clients in general.
I don't ask and don't seek to become involved in the personal lives of providers.
Like you, Tex, I am a caring sort of a guy. But it's better if the provider has people in her personal life to care about her needs and issues...
Yes, sometimes a trusting and caring relationship develops between a client and a provider over time. It can work if it happens slowly, mesuredly, reciprocally, and is based on a mutual and building level of trust. And if the client is conscientiously non-intrusive.
In my biz, I have the tools at hand to completely profile any provider I might see. I've never bothered or been tempted to do so. A certain degree of anonymity is necessary to maintain both needed interpersonal boundaries in the business context, and the operational security of the hobby. Boundareis serve as a necessary 'lubricant' in hobby relationships.
You don't need to "disappear" nor do you need to withdraw from the hobby because of this incident.
We've all made mistakes in the hobby, of one sort or another.
merely take a lesson, as the rest of us have had to time and again.
And if you want to control your blood pressure, may I recommend Ujjayi Pranayama, Pratyahara and Dharana preferably learned in the context of the practice of Kripalu Yoga.
Stick around, my friend. Take the hit and move on. You've got nothing to be ashamed of.
GTM
fact is in a previous existence more recent than the birth of this body i practiced and taught yoga and other things.
so i tried everything in my arsenal before i took up this activity. it seems that what is lacking is the touch of a woman and not just any woman.
of the 20+ providers i have seen only 4 have been capable of delivering the 1-2 week drop in BP that i seem to require to be symptom free. with the unavailability of this lady and the retirement of another that leaves me with 2 possibilities.
a rather slender portfolio that needs to be expanded in a way that prevents this sort of mishap.
i shall revisit the non hobby options again to see if perhaps they are more effective in combination with more limited "sporting time".
the one thing that i will slightly beat myself up over is the obvious: "why did it take me so long to figure out that she deemed me some sort of risk?"
there are at least 5 people i know outside this little world who know her, from one context or another. i guess i found the thought that i could possibly be considered a threat so repulsive i couldn't consider it.
then i remembered a post by one of the more prominent contributors here... and it all fell into place.
to satisfy the curiosity of a lady working on her doctoral dissertation.
Fitted with an EKG, BP and HR monitor, I achieved Dharana and then finally just the edge perhaps of Dhyana
The lady was scared to death (as she related later) when my respiratory rate dropped to 1.5 per minute, my heart rate to 37 and my bp to 67/38
and frankly, I was not "in as deep" as I normally get due to the minimal distraction.
And, for me personally, the practice of Kripalu helps me greatly with physical and mental stress.
And I love teaching Hatha and Kripalu as well as qi gong.
Take good care of yourself, my friend. You might be feeling a little sheepish, but
YOU are one of the good guys.
the observations do change the state. it is amusing when they notice the near cessation of breathing. i am going to have to be a bit discreet about favorite techniques. that might be too much information.
when the BP stopped staying good after practices i jumped into this activity.
for those who mistake my intention as seeking a GF.... well... that might be nice except she'd have to understand that i am a solitary person of an eremitical disposition. i can't imagine anyone i know as being good for me without prolonged substantial solitary time. i like being alone. it is as good for me as the special ladies. neither total solitide or total togetherness is good for me as an exclusive diet.
there is no doubt in my mind that some of our ill tempered brethren could benefit by practicing some of the methods you mention and some that you haven't. their mental inflexibility bodes for a poor aging process.
despite my miss step my numbers are looking decent and it seems that my time in this community is getting me gradually back to the point where i may not need it as much as i did earlier this and also last year.
i will be well. i may be a bit over the top in regretting having inconvenienced someone but that will pass and life will go on.
TC,
I have been & continue walking a tight rope with a Fav provider. We have had to work to keep it in bounds. But I know her real name, address, etc. She knows she can trust me. But perhaps the best way to prove trust is to never breech it. I am especially protective of all my Fav ladies but especially her & would never do anything to compromise her position. Sometimes that means staying away. Sometimes it means putting things back on a business basis.
To your situation, bumping into you through mutual friends is pretty freaky. Giving her space might give her comfort.
skb
As mentioned by another, this world is now full of suspicion and distrust. Throughout my life, professional and personal, I constantly see people wondering "What's his angle?"
I too am a fixer. I am learning to just Keep My Mouth Shut about things. I seem to get burned by either saying something or not saying anything. So I just KYMS.
If she knows how to reach you, and it sounds like she does, then leave it in her hands.
Now, go exercise. You will feel better!
All the great thinkers of TER. The Aristotle, Plato, Socrates, etc. of whoredom (who would have thought BizzaroSuperdude among them?). It is definitely the summit of guys that ponder the great issues of the hobby day even more than I could dream of.
Tex, if nothing else, you can not leave this collective body of philisophical giants. That would mean that some schlub (like me) would have to replace you. AND THEN WHAT???? Think of the casualties. You would be leaving our little society -- our evolving TER culture -- to someone who thinks Monty Python and the Holly Grail represents our world's highest cultural achievement. Think of humanity good sir! Do you REALLY want the next generation of hobbyists' to have as the greatest question of the hobby the importance of envelope or no envelope?!?!?! If the Texcats of the world leave, are we not left to look at the GaGamblers for leadership?? (GaG knows I am kidding here, we need his views as well to keep us over-thinkers real.)
Reconsider Tex. Sure, take a break from the hobby, but think of the humanity of TER!
(as you know, my non-sarcastic thoughts are sent via PM)
Some who are idealists, some who are hard-headedly practical, some who really care about people, some who see through the BS, etc.
IMO, and it is only my opinion because I certainly fall close to the idealist camp; there is already a fair amount of concentration on the porno-star and fetishistic stuff already, and this needs to be offset by men who have different approaches.
The world is what we make it, and our deeds are important in defining not just who we are; but what our options will be in the future.
this is a job for the lady and a hobby for the guy. We all need to respect the boundaries.
Get a grip on yourself, man.
You pay them to leave, not to cry on their shoulders, and not to chase after them. She is not your girlfriend. Stop treating her like one.
Snap back to reality.
no tissues necessary.
just an unpleasant realization.
while i am sorry to have occasioned any paranoia and find unintentional injury abhorrent in addition i am both embarrassed and annoyed that the issue could not be discussed in a civilized way.
i am accustomed to being treated as an honorable and decent person. i am offended that i was likely viewed by a threat.
as is your custom you dish out inappropriate remarks based on silly stereotypes.
your ego meeds checking and i just may staqy around to continue to annoy you since it is you who have yet to make any aquaintance with reality at all IMHO.
Let me see if I can pull this off; "you go boy!!". God did not create stoicism(tell me I didn't use the 'G' word),man did to deal with the BS they shove at each other.
stoicism is an artificial and over rated philosophy created for the sole purpose of keeping the loudmouths quiet so that those who prefer to sleep through reality can do so undisturbed.
THAT will allow me to get through the day; after I shared my morning(post eve. piss-off)rant.
Made a decision yet?
1) i'm not going to disappear but i may cut back a bit on posting
2) i have prioritized a list (damn! too many lists!) of folks to interview as suitable for the task of deep relaxation. one current active favorite has excellent massage skills and that is working profoundly well for me. so getting on the list for try outs is going to emphasize that skill. BUT the immediate next event is going to be a simple romp.
Either Man Up, or go see a damn psychologist!
If you are looking for personal relationships, this ain't the place to be! It's nice to have a friendship with a provider, but, please, keep things in perspective.
i think you need to relax a bit and maybe read better. at least you aren't a sniveling alis coward so i will politely indicate your error.
the problem was not so much seeking a personal relationship but discovering that there was a web of relationships with others that already existed.
in the course of friendly chat it was observed that she knew several folks that i knew through multiple avenues: friends with folks i know directly and whose parents serve on boards of charities that i work with, friends of hers hang out with folks with whom i have worked as collaborators.
once i knew where she lived (she told me) there was no end to the possible list of direct and indirect connections.
my indiscretion was perhaps that i assumed that the best way to manage the risks of multiple mutual acquaintances could be to share information to actively manage the risks. i guess that her preference would have been to not know of the risks.
now if there is someone i kind of like and there are risk issues to be addressed i will generally not assume the other person's risk handling for them but i will inform them so that risks can be handled collaboratively.
i think she didn't understand that and thought i had some other intention: something unkind, manipulative and rather beneath me.
too bad. oh well. so i sent an e-mail reassuring her i understood and was terminating contact and leaving her in peace. after i sent it i realized that my e-mail might have been interpreted as a kindly worded but plausibly "plausibly deniable" threat. sometimes poeople in this lifestyle make things way too complicated in trying to put a negative spin on something kind and human. i think that is a habit of hers.
so i decided to post here in hope that she would see this thread and understand that by publicly documenting this misunderstanding in a relatively anonymous way that she needn't worry about my motives.
now if that situation in your opinion calls for my seeing a psychiatrist then i do suggest YOU see one at the earliest opportunity. you need to think more flexibly about what it means to "man up". i am content with my style of doing just that.
Few things are more painful than to be considered somehow "dangerous" when even the thought of the possibility of doing some kind of harm never even crossed your mind.
The painful thing about it ... is that it cuts right to the core of how the person views you ... not as a relationship or hobbyist ... but as a human being.
In addition, you and I are alike in that we are very concerned about causing even unintended harm to others. Sometimes, that harm can be done as a result of lack of knowing; and sometimes just because a particular person's mindset (the real one, not the one you are told about) is other than we would expect.
This woman was obviously fearful. Objectively, maybe she ought not to have been. But, nevertheless, she was fearful. And her fear was directed to the core of what she thought of you as a human being to boot.
So it's a double whammy: unintended harm through causing fear PLUS her implicit assumptions of you being inherently evil/devious/manipulative in such a way she could be harmed.
I can completely understand your reaction.
You don't need a shrink.
i am awake, vividly alive, and sensitive to my surroundings.
the fact that although analyticaly skilled i don't do cold calculation is something healthy.
i can understand how a provider would be more comfortable with someone who was slightly but not dangerously cold and calculating and didn't give a damn about her. but then that is ever so slightly "psychopathic" IMO. not for me.
My reading is fine. As a matter of fact, I went back and re-read your initial post. I had to read it a few times more to understand what you were saying.
You don't write well. You use too many words, your sentences are poorly constructed, and your post is difficult to read. But, that is beside the point.
You assumed that you knew what she was thinking and why she was reluctant to communicate. Based on your assumptions and potentially inaccurate perceptions, you attempted to "manage your risk" by sharing more personal information, thereby increasing the risk on both sides. Bad idea!
Keep your personal life more to yourself, and you will avoid these types of situations.
i don't share personal information readily. in this case there was a exceptional level of trust and a special circumstance that seemed to require it.
i have no regrets aside from the fact that she developed unwarranted fears and it took so long for me to figure out what was happening.
the purpose of my OP was to reassure the lady that my e-mail to her expressing my understanding was a sincere attempt to remove pressure.
it hasn't been contradicted by anything that i've heard from her or folks who know her.
so my OP was not intended as an historic account. as a result you make assumptions that are wrong.
she shared the intial personal information that led me to understand we had several non hobby friends in common. she agreed to the initial active risk management approach of sharing that information.
in general i do not share personal information at all. in this case it was an exception occasioned by a circumstance that i will not discuss publicly.