I was just folding some laundry and my mind was taking me through my day. I have a friend visiting this afternoon. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "I could cancel", like today. What with tons of things going on in my life, like prom this weekend for my youngest, my ex moving to Georgia next week and our children will stay with me, my Grandmother role coming this August, Memorial Weekend.....it is what it is.
Then I thought to myself, "Well you'll feel so much better, after a date, rejuvenated. I know that. I also thought how it feels good to be desired, needed....I thought.....and then it came to me.

Why I enjoy this hobby?

And this is where it gets personal.

I was abused.  Physically, sexually, verbally and neglected. I was just going to write the years down, but who keeps count. And aren't the years still passing by with flash backs? Anyway. I was abused by both parents. One thing that I could never get out of my mind was the verbal abuse. So there you have it.

I left home and became a strong woman and proud mother. The shoes I have been able to fill have been well worth the worn soles. And lucky for me, I love shoes.


But this morning it all dawned on me. Why this whole journey here works for me.

It's like a Sally Fields moment.

I LOVE being desired

And I probably need more than most!!

If anything, I feel I deserve more of it.

Hope you don't mind me sharing

...off to walk my dogs  

That was to me, one of the greatest posts of all times.  

We are what we are, to be contented with what we are is sometimes the most incredibly difficult task that any of us can take on.

For me, I suspected that I was not quite cut out for a "normal life" and certainly by most standards I've not had a normal life.  My life "is what it is"  I hobby.  Should I be ashamed of that?  No.  It fulfills me in ways that marriage did not.  I too find a home here... in many ways I could not have conceived when I reentered the hobby world after my marriage.

Nice to know that at least one other person has an alt. view of this activity we call "the hobby"

Thanks again.

Very nice, human, and honest post.  Most would say that love is the most important emotion in the world.  I would not argue that.  But sometimes one can feel much love and still feel undesired (not undesirable, just not desired in their current circumstance) which can leave a large void in ones life.  I am very glad for you that you found a "community" that fills that void for you.  Congrats.  It is good that you appreciate the men you see beyond the envelope, I am sure they feel it as well.

Sexy -

since we're having a moment of truth.....

I suffer from PTSD. Not a section 8 case by any means lol. But I am difficult to be intimate with in a long term setting, or where real "strings" are attached. I am difficult to sleep with (literally) because I am often transported in my sleep to places and times far away.

The hobby is a Godsend for me. The ability to enjoy companionship and sex, whether once n done or in an LTR, in manageable bits, in a way that allows for mutual enjoyment without exposing a lady to my particular brokenness, is priceless to me.  

Yes I've had relationships. Fairly regularly lol. They dont last. I dont honestly expect them to. I dont know where I'd be, what I'd do without the ladies who make the true sport of kings possible.

Oh! and for those who detest my board personna, perhaps a there's a little insight into why I am sometimes a self aggrandizing asshole lol. Doubting however that this will in any way endear me or get me any slack lol.

Memorial Day used to be called Decoration Day. I wish that America would get back to that focus on the best and bravest who sacrificed their lives so that the Ideal of America might live on and so that her citizens might remain free and strong. Today Memrial day observances in our culture pay only a slight nod of the had to those brave souls who now sleep beneath the sods of home.

Thank you, Sexy - for sharing.

GTM

It never dawned upon me just how beneficial it could be for the providers as well.

Thank you so much SC.

My life has been stunted in some ways for some of the same reasons you expressed, and yet through a combination of miracles, kindness of others, and my own hard work, I've been able to not be defeated by my past. I've learned to take the kindness, and positive attention from others, as gifts, even if it's for a brief time, like in the hobby.

"I've been able to not be defeated by my past."  

So true, hon.  I think too many people use their backgrounds (at times) as excuses for treating other people badly. Kudos to you!

Hugs,
Ciara

Sometimes, I still hear RPGs going over my head and ocassionaly think of other sad things that have happened in my past. However, I hate to dwell on the past. I like to live for the present and be hopeful for the future. I believe that some people, like you Sweet Carolina, learn to grow from those things and try to put it in the past and into perspective. I totally understand when someone has been through a lot, yet I also get bothered at times when some people use it as an excuse to be nasty to other people "because they've had it rough." Well, many of us have had it hard, but it's what we gain from those experiences that make us who were are today.

Some people will curl up in a ball and die, other's will -- unfortunately -- become abusers, others just carry a chip on their shoulders for the rest of their lives. These are all unfortunate endings.  Just because something has happened to all of us in our lives doesn't mean that we should carry it over into our personal lives and be mean to other people.

We all have a story, and it was so nice of you to share something so personal. Thank you. I especially loved that you shared your story and seem to be still have a kind heart. That is truly what I admire:  someone who can come through something so difficult and be stronger and kinder for it. We're all adults now, so we have control over those issues and can seek help for it. I work on myself every day and will be the first to admit when I am wrong, but I also don't stand for people using past experiences as a crutch.

Let's all try to be understanding of each other's personalities and not automatically assume the worse. Let us try to refrain from placing those "Mean" icons next to our posts. Please, people, I have a witty way about me, but there is also a very caring heart behind it. I'd rather rebuttal someone with humor than with hate.

"Read, think, absorb, be objective and then post."



Hugs,
Ciara

Thanks for sharing your 'laundry thoughts'.  I agree with Bizarro that was the best post I've ever read on this site. It sounds like you addressed the abuse head on and are 'healthy' (as mentally healthy you can be with that background) and determined to end the cycle (not allow what can be generational to continue to your next generation)==if my assumptions are accurate...More Power to You!!!!  For helping yourself and indirectly others.  What a difficult issue to deal with.  I hope your mental health continues...for you and for your family.

I hope I have the pleasure of meeting you someday, I missed you last time you were in Atlanta.  It would be great to chat with you, amongst other things.  Be well and again thank you

Thank you for the introspection.  I too have asked the question, "Why I enjoy this hobby?"  I too came up with "I LOVE being desired" as one answer.  Abuse was another.  We all have experienced abuse at some point or another, in many different forms.  I was pushed to be a leader, engage in many different activities and stay in the mainstream.  Hence acceptance and fear of rejection weigh mightily  on me.  The hobbyist/provider relationship feeds heavily on those fears.  Bottom line, I'm sure we all have our reasons for pursuing the hobby and they are uniquely diverse.

FOr you Carolina!

the longer I am in this biz, the more I see how much we are all so similar.  I too was abused as a child and as a result had difficult relationships with men and, if truth be told, with myself.  It took a long time for me to accept myself and look at my differences as good qualities and not something that I should be ashamed of.  My traumatic history is what has made me a gentle and loving soul and is the major reason why I speak out against bashing based on our differences.  When one takes the time to look beyond the exterior, into our hearts and souls, we all truly are the same.  We are people with needs and desires.  We all want to feel sexy, important, needed, desired, and loved!

Kudos to your bravery, Sexy Carolina!

you know sweetheart that goes both ways a lot of us guy's are married yet don't feel wanted that is where you come in. I love the girls!

Wow, insight before 8:00 a.m.  I'm guessing that your success as a provider is only partially due to your bedroom skills.  You are a fun, exciting and sometimes intense lady no matter what the activity.  I’m still awaiting a visit from you and yo’ bitches.

except to say that some children of alcoholics who are physically abused (not sexually abused ..tho one could argue that sex at thirteen with a fifteen or sixteen year old and then steady at fifteen with a nineteen year old might legally qualify as abuse, though it certainly did not feel like abuse, quite the opposite) become physicians because they can;t stand to see people suffer without helping and professors because they want to protect and nurture their students, and love to focus on pleasing their love making partners because they love giving pleasure. (not mentioning any names here.)  We all find out paths home to human warmth if we are fortunate.

At risk of sounding sloppy, it was a lovely gift.

Or they are nurturing teachers/parents but still sexually cold/distant?

Thank You, sexy for your wonderful post. I have to agree that it is one of the all time great posts and the  posts that it inspired have given me insight into the hobbying community.  You and the other great people in TER have opened a new world for me.
Thank you again!

my history is also somewhat problematic. i'm not into comparing who had what worse or better, but we all get where we are because (in part) of the bumps we get along the way. usually i keep mine contained. all our stories are unique.

we all need a bit of connection, some warmth and caring even if it can only be secured on _acceptable_ terms for a fee. the women who would have me "for free" at this stage in my life have terms and costs that are simply unacceptable to me.

i could get along and function fine without this "hobby" (hate the word). i could grind along and retire and decline into the inevitable death quietly and colorlessly. but i find that in general (this last weeks acute episode excepted) that since visiting with you ladies: my health is improved, i am functioning in work at a level i haven't had in years, and i look forward to pushing back decay and death to the utmost.

i will give a hint to all this: i love to desire and to have the credible warmth of being desired in return even if it is "compensated dating". somehow this life is providing me with the extra will to take care of myself better and perform better in life as a whole.

after all i do now have the motivation of visiting you fair ladies to spur on my ambitions. i've never particularly cared about being ambitious for it's own sake or for myself. that has always struck me as somewhat vain and idle.

but the idea of visiting and repeating with as many of you ladies as possible is certainly an effective motivation.

think of Homer Simpson "saying must drink more beer" and replacing "beer" with "money" or better "drink" with "lick" and "beer" with "pussy" and so on and so forth....

Not being snarky.  This entire thred should be copied and sent to Oprah. This could be a blockbuster.

The thing is this. Sometimes it is a good thing to "Air out the laundry" so to speak. I'm a firm believer in letting it all hang out. let's talk about it. Be open and honest. It's good to know that someone can relate to you, feel your joy and or your pain.

While I can relate to the comments that have been made that state survivors should move on with their lives and not live in the past, I think we need to be realistic. Some effects are life-changing. Here is an example. My Mother passed away in 1987. That is the last time I saw 3 of my 4 sisters. 22 years ago.
I have opened dialogs with them over the years, but to no avail. They each live within their boundaries and it does not include "The Family."

Now you know 4 sure I could do an Oprah Show!!

I really have appreciated reading all of the posts, from you all, my ter family.

 

Sweetheart,
  I have not had the honor of meeting you in person yet. However, we have met in TER chat. My impression is that you are one of the great ladies. You graciously honor us with your presence in chat and you always seem to be upbeat and positive. I have enjoyed meeting you in chat and know that things will always go well for you. That smirk you have, even noticeablein chat, will be your reminder that you are one of a kind.

Thank you for your friendship in chat.


Hoss

I believe when Mattrad said, "I have been able to not be defeated by my past", and when I said that some people still hold a grudge and take it out on others, I didn't mean that we are not still affected. I know I will be for the rest of my life. However, not everyone is like you, me or Mattrad.  Some people dwell on bad things that happened in their past lives and make other's lives miserable -- hence, abused children, battered women or people with extremely bad tempers.  Yes! Some cases are to the extreme from childhood: locked in dungeons and beaten every day with no food or little water. That's extreme! And . . . generally those poor children grow up really messed up.

So, my suggestion to everyone if they feel bitter is to please get help. I'm not going to compare my boo-boos with anyone else's to prove I had it harder than some people, but I think your initial post/thread was about becoming a strong woman from it and what happened in your past was not going to dictate your life. That was great!  Nothing that Mattrad or I said made anything less of it.

Hugs,
Ciara



-- Modified on 5/23/2009 9:44:02 AM

most here on TER.  While we have never met (kept apart only by geography), I have read virtually all of your posts for over 6 years now.

Best of luck as you navigate through these challenging times.  

Some day maybe I'll be in the Carolinas and you can put a smile on my face.

Beaten with boat oars, straps, chained up with the dogs. I don't think you need any more details.

Not all of us grow up "Really Messed Up"

But speaking for myself, I take everything literally.

The whole idea behind this thread is this. Where I came from and how it got me to this point, and my honesty in sharing it with you. I knew there were other stories out there, and it didn't take long for our friends to share. In my life, sharing leads to growth and acceptance. Hearing the similar stories is thought-provoking for me.

I don't live in the past but I recognize it and move forward.

This hobby and it's friendships have given me some of the best days of my life and I wanted to share that with you all.
Thank You
Sexy

You are taking what I've said way out of context. First, I had no idea that you were so beaten as a child. I'm am soooo terribly sorry for the ordeal you have to endure as a child. That is horrific!

Second, I said what you wrote was GREAT! I believe I was complimenting you. I also brought up another point, because I see things from all sides and it's something I've experienced, that I also stated about some people taking their childhood experiences out on others, and I certainly in no form said is was you. I speak objectively, and I also complimented you not taking it out on others. I was complimenting you, hon.  We all take things wrong sometimes, especially in writing, but I think I am pretty specific in my writings, although there's always someone who takes things out of context and jumps to conclusions too quickly.

Look, pure and simple, I think you sound like a great person. I have posted under your threads numerous times, agreeing with you. Remember, that I was complimenting you.  Did you ever think that one of my problems as a child was people who were hot tempered and took out their problems on other people? I agreed with your post and then I also brought up another interesting fact about how some people do not take what's happened to them as well as you, Mattrad or me. So, if you want us to share in your experiences, then be objective and open enough to hear the rest of our experiences.

Have a nice day!

Hugs,
Ciara

I am thanking Sweet Carolina for her post, and I am also talking about "other" people when I say "some" people talk their past experiences and dwell on them. Just because this is under Sweet Carolin'a thread, when I say "some people" it certainly isn't pertaining to Sweet Carolina, for goodness sake. I commend her for coming forward with such personal information. I'm also objective, too, and stated that I was glad that Mattrad and Sweet Carolina are not letting their past experiences interfere with their adult lives. That's all!

People, we all need to chill out on this board and stop misinterpreting things that are not there. It's okay to vent, to agree, to disagree and to see things from a different perspective, but don't take something out of context. If you have a question, then ask. Don't assume and take something that isn't there personally.

I know I was speaking from my past experience of "some" people in my life who were treated badly as children, then they took it out on me:  hence, another form -- or generation -- of haters. I just stated -- and I'm paraphrasing here -- that I don't want to be one of those people who take out my aggressions on other people just because I had some hard times. I was actually agreeing with Sweet Carolina. I think it's good to share feelings at times, if you want to share those feelings, if you feel the need to or if you think it may help someone else. I also think it's good to hear from others that they are moving on with their lives and being positive (like Sweet Carolina and Mattrad) are doing and -- hopefully -- me!

Hugs,
Ciara

in my case my experiences led me to reject certain kinds of behaviors as examples not to be followed.

in my case i had a number of head injuries only some of which were accidental. so some of my eccentricity may be due to that (LOL!). part of my eccentricity might be due to being a little too clever. (i could get into mensa but it would bore me to death.)

while the immediate family "of my birth" continues to be messed up even with only 1 parent and siblings remaining, i got out, did well, raised some kids who are better than i in all the ways that count, and have been successful in constructing a family "of my choice".

i am grateful to the ladies i've met here for providing, if only temporarily and for defined compensation, coverage for the kind of companionship that is missing in my family of choice. it is helping me to get even better.

cheers

"That even though we may have had some messed-up things happen to us, that we can still be reasonably sane people with better agendas than our crazy friends or siblings."

I thank Sweet Carolina for bringing this to our attention and, hopefully, she understands that my objectiveness regarding this subject is toward some on this board who need to be nicer people -- certainly not her. She seems very nice.

Hugs,
Ciara