Robin Williams:
See, the problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Steve Martin:
You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Steve Jobs:
My girlfriend always laughs during sex--no matter what she's reading.

Billy Crystal:
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Woody Allen:
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

George Burns:
Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Anybody got any more?

"The difference between sex for free and sex for money is, sex for money costs less"

Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
– Steve Martin

A girl’s legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part.
– Redd Foxx (from Comedy Album - Huffin and Puffin)

Sex is better than talk…Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.
– Woody Allen (Hollywood Ending, 2002)

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath’. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.
– Joan Rivers

Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.
– Scott Roeben

There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
– Phyllis Diller

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

the more I miss it, the meaner I get...LOL

"Nothing makes you forget about love like sex." (Staci Beasley)

"If sex doesn't scare the cat, you're not doing it right." (Anonymous)

"I read so many bad things about sex that I had to give up reading." (Anonymous)

"Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them." (Kevin Costner, Tin Cup)

"I'm a great lover, I'll bet." (Emo Philips)

"Just saying 'no' prevents teenage pregnancy the way 'Have a nice day'cures chronic depression." (Faye Wattleton)

"I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible." (Leslie Nielsen)

"A really hard laugh is like sex—one of the ultimate diversions of existence." (Jerry Seinfeld)

"If sex isn't a joke, what is?" (Nella Larsen)

"I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax." (Scott Roeben)

"Anyone who says that gratuitous sex is no substitute for gratuitous violence obviously hasn't had enough gratuitous sex." (Geoff Spear)

"I love sex. It's free and doesn't require special shoes." (Anonymous)

"Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing." (Charles Bukowski)

"Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite." (Germaine Greer)

"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it." (Anonymous)

"For me, love is very deep, but sex only has to go a few inches." (Stacy Nelkin)

"Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes." (Marilyn Sokol)

"During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else." (Richard Lewis)

"There is nothing safe about sex. There never will be." (Norman Mailer)

"The only difference between friends and lovers is about four minutes." (Scott Roeben)

"There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that." (Lewis Grizzard)

"For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel and cook." (Quentin Crisp)

"I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection. She pulled a switchblade on me." (Scott Roeben)

"Science is a lot like sex. Sometimes something useful comes of it, but that's not the reason we're doing it." (Richard Feynman)

"Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing." (Phyllis Diller)

"One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other." (Jane Austen)

"Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn." (Garrison Keillor)

"Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs." (George Carlin)

"I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic and the others give me a stiff neck or lockjaw." (Tallulah Bankhead)

doggie style with married people:

He sits up and begs, she rolls over and plays dead.

"Sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic" - Woody Allen

"At my age, trying to have sex is like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine" - George Burns

"My wife likes to talk dirty during sex. Last night she said to me 'get off me, you fat bastard.' I said 'sorry honey, I didn't know you were awake.'" - Monty Hoffman

"I asked my wife the other night, 'honey, ahhh, do you think I could, maybe, try the back door tonight?' She said 'sure, you can try any door you want, just stay the hell away from my ass!'
Tonight I crawled into bed and she told me she had a surprise for me - and she whipped out a foot long dildo she bought at the adult bookstore. She said 'I'm going to let you try the back door, but I'm going to go first' and without another word she flipped me over, yanked down my jammies, and started going at it. 'Owwwwwwwwwww.... take it out of the box first' I gasped. She said, 'you still want to try my back door?' I didn't feel much like doing anything, to tell the truth." - Robert Schimmel

"My wife told me she wants to have sex in the backseat of the car,  and wants me to drive"

"My wife cut me down for sex to once a month.  I am lucky.  Some of the guys she cut out completely!"

"I asked a cab driver to take me to some place I could get some action.   He took me to my house"

"I got home early, and there was a naked man running away from my house.   I asked him 'who told you could screw my wife?'   He responded 'Everybody!' "

May he RIP!   One of the masters