Nope, don't want you to know my real handle.

Been married since I was in High School.  Married my high school sweetheart.  Twenty+ years go by, we've grown apart on many levels, not just sex.  I thought the sex was great, though we didn't experiment that much.  No Porn, etc.  Church and the way we were raised, blah, blah, blah...

Ok, so I decided to try this hobby. And guess what. My wife is a lousy lay.  I have been f* silly more than a couple of times now and have now experienced the kind of bj my buddies have been talking about for years.  And positions, RCG - what a view!

I have no idea how I could ever tell my wife she is terrible in bed.  I have no idea where to start.  Anybody been down this road? Any suggestions???

-- Modified on 10/28/2002 3:25:22 PM

Keep your mouth shut.

What would you have to gain by telling her?

Well, no one wants to hear straight out that for decades they have been sub-par.

But if your communications are still working, can you get her to experiment a little?  Then a little more?  Yup, it will take a while, but then you've waited a long time to start.  Reminds me of the saying, "A self-made man is a a horrible example of unskilled labor."

You may not ever reach the levels you find in the hobby, but an improvement at home would still be an improvement, no?  And, for fairness sake, how do you know where you stand in her ratings?

My 2 yen,

d_d

If she became more of a vixen in the bedroom would this cut down on your hobbying?  How do you explain to her why you know she's not to rivoting in the bedroom?  If you thought the vixen would make a difference and might re kindle the fire,  there is a vixen kindling in most women but whether it can be found is a difficult task?  More information of your intent is required for more indepth answers.

Don't tell your wife anything. Especially if she's the churchy type. Chances are, if she is still giving you sex it's only out of a sense of duty.

Sometimes, you just gotta go to a professional if you want things done right.

It is hard to change what your wife will do after all these years.  There are other aspects of a marriage besides sex.  Many married members have expressed their views in this board that this hobby help them perserve their marriage.  It is better not to stir things up.  You don't know how it will end.

Good luck.

Yes, there may be a vixen hidden in many women but, if her religion teaches that sex is evil, then it aint gonna come out. A rather impossible task. I know this from first hand experience.

I've found that while I've enjoyed the hobby, it's actually made my sex better with the little woman at home.  She's willing, not real experienced, and I certainly don't claim to know it all.

The people I've met here have generally been fun, a damn site more experienced than I, and they've taught me a lot.  Do I take it home to improve the experience there?  Absolutely!  And when asked where I picked up that little trick?  I read it about it on those trashy internet sites.  

keep women subdued and why so much more information is required to know if there is any chance for this women to break free of those Puritan bindings if that is even a factor.

I don't think you can tell her she sucks (or doesn't) in bed.  But why can't you gently suggest that you'd like to liven up your sex life a little and try something different.  (Start with watching some porn, maybe she'll get the idea.)

Of course, against a back drop of "we have grown apart on many levels", it doesn't sound like this is your only problem.  But if you approached it properly I don't think it's unthinkable that you could speak to her about it.

Ultimately if you can't be happy in your marriage, and she's totally opposed to trying anything new, then I have to wonder if the marriage is worth preserving.

Good Luck.

...that if you can't tell your wife she's not giving you what you want in bed then what's the point in asking the question?  Also, I don't think sex is the only thing you're concerned about.  If this is the case then why not just break up...since what's the point in staying together?  I could see if it was just the "sex" factor but you waited over 20+ years (18+ on top of that), so you're 38-40 yo now.  If I were you and sex was the "only" factor then I would express to your wife that you want to experiment more with sex - videos, books, etc.  Just tell her that you're finding it to be boring and you want to "spice" the bedroom thang up a bit.  There's nothing wrong with that.  I just find it hard to believe that you have "free" sex at home yet you're looking for something else and paying for it.  I would figure that most people that are married wouldn't do so before their sex life is adequate enough so they don't have to seek out an escort.  Why else would a guy get married if he's not 100% satisfied?

Dos centavos from the peanut gallery. My SO was the most sexually intense woman I have ever experienced, bar none, and by a wide margin, all the GFEs and PSEs out there inclusive.
 She could go further and play harder for hours longer with 110% involvement. It was like a different plane of being.
 Tragically, she fell ill with a major disorder that has rendered her a nearly complete invalid. Sex had become difficult, painful, and worse, emotionally painful because we both were aware of what a faint shadow of the original experience it was.
 Other parts of the relationship are solidly in place, the communication, shared interests, lifelong knowledge of each other, all the stuff we've worked out over the ages.
 She has been tacitly understanding of my need to have my physical needs met with professional services. Our policy is don't ask-don't tell. Knowing me as well as she does, it is plenty obvious when I've had erotic assistance, because I'm in a better than average mood and easier to get along with.
 She finally relaxed about the arrangement because she came to see that the end result was a more stable and healthy relationship between us in the areas that we could be together, but she will jokingly air kiss me from a distance when I come in the door so she won't catch my "germs"

If you didn't realise how bad the sex was until you met a provider, perhaps you are -both- to blame for the lackluster bedroom activities?? If you didn't know any better (at the time) to teach her, what makes you think that she should have known better??

What a great community we have here.  I still have a lot to learn in my life about open, frank communication.

I'm as much to blame as she is - no doubt about it.

Thanks to all who responded.

Experiment? and then she is going to ask, where did you learn that? and one question leads to another and pretty soon you are going to wish you had kept your damn mouth shut.

I am floored by the tragedy you just shared.  I too was married to a sex kitten... incredible stuff that most people only dream about.  But after 7 years she changed, found God, became someone totally different and divorced me.  Do guys like us really find great sex with providers?  I have seen two and came away let down both times.

help me pal

Put it in your will she'll most likely outlive you!

My beautiful wife wasn't a sex kitten but, she too "found God". I have had amazing experiences on all levels with providers. Contact me directly if you want to share some more info.

well, yeah, I hear you.

since this is really two questions rolled into one, it deserves two answers...

bad stuff does happen, and sometimes it happens to us randomly,
and we cannot believe what we have taken for granted until it is gone, our health, our freedom, our money, our comfortable self images... then something terrible and irreversible happens and there we are on our butts without a clue as to how to go on living.

Either you take this as a cosmic hint that some major growth is being asked from above, or you can shrink into shell. There isn't much comfy middle ground at times like these.

It took me years to work through the sense of injustice, damnation, frustration, being cheated out of everything that mattered to me. The challenge was always out there... o.k. man, you've talked the big self reliance talk all your life and you've been contemptuous of all the human failings you've seen going on around you, so now go out and climb this mountain and
see how you like it...

accepting the idea of having relations with an escort was totally outside of my thinking... but as time wore on, I started to make a rational decision, either I was going to fix my busted up insides or I wasn't, and there was only one way to do it...

No claim to fame here, but dealing with an invalid teaches you a lot of fundamental lessons in being a human being, how to be sensitive to another person, how to read their moods, how to accept what theu are emotionally capable of or not at a given moment, how to pick up on whether they are in in pain or really enjoying it... learning that stuff ain't fun, but it's major knowledge once you've internalized it...

I'm pretty sure this has had a mojor influence on how I am with these girls, and how they respond to me. Sometimes things aren't too exiting, or don't go as well as I would have hoped, and sometimes are so infuriating I clear out ofter a few minutes...

At these moments it's vital to get the old trusty Ego out of the way and not get to personalized or bruised about the moment...

Other times, things will come together on five levels at once and you think you couldn't begin to describe the experience in "juicy details" because it is too subtle, complex, and all of that to be put down in purely physical terms.

Yes, great sex happens. The goodness, badness, greatness, or lousiness of it is at least half a reflection of what we bring to the experience, especially the parts of ourselves that we are least conscious of, and the other half is fate.