no, I am not singling you out... lol.  I have thought a lot about your posts over the past day or so... It took courage to "put yourself out there" as you have.  I dabble with posting as you have... as the question of providers and hobbiests falling in love - or heck even "like lust" comes up constantly... will this post be any different?  maybe not.. but here goes.

Providing has to be one of the most heart rending professions that you can enter.  the tugs (in multiple directions) must take its toll on you.  at the upper end you meet interesting people... who for whatever reason turn to this hobby... Your job is to make them feel as if they are the best lover, and the center of your universe... If you do it well, it is difficult for hobbiests to "see the trick or hand waving" that creates the illusion...  Most of us do see it though... (more on that in another post).  But, it is also possible for you to have actual emotions.  As we all know, real emotions are difficult, if possible at all, to control.  And once those emotions are in play, it must become increasingly difficult to be able to provide the "illusion" to others...

I am sure however, that because of the frailty and delicate nature of human relations, most providers are somewhat immunized to all but the most charming of "characters"!  So, I am sure that you see more hobbiests falling for you, than the other way around... But, when you fall, and the emotion is not returned, it must hurt.  For that I feel badly, because so many of you are kind, decent folk!  a cut above the norm.  

As many couplings as there are, there are the number of potential emotional involvements... and as a subset of that, a finite number of those will be one-way...

Why Am I writing this?  I dunno!  maybe it is because over the past few months, my emotions have sort of been awakened!  partially by participation in this hobby.  I can only imagine that most providers keep their emotions "frozen" during most - if not ALL - of their encounters.  if for no other reason than they would rapidly become an emotional puddle if they did not.  As my ex told me she wished for a divorce, it was odd, I felt nothing!  it was as if, my emotions went hiding for fear of being hurt...

I have gone out with some nice looking ladies, but oddly enough - when one of them made a move that ordinarily would have "stomped" on my emotions and made me say "ouch" - I did nothing but say - "hey, that's ok!"  Not typical of me!

So I know that my emotions have been asleep... but here lately, my emotional body kinda feels like a leg or arm, that I have sat upon and now I am moving it, and it is all tingly with pins and needles...  It really does not hurt, more an awakening awareness of a part of me...  (think dentist as the novocain wears off - and you are drooling! lol)  

So, to all, if you see me jerk and spasm occasionally, know that it is me adjusting to the emotional part of me waking up... much as when your foot that was asleep needs you to stomp around on it to get the blood flowing and normal feeling back.  But I do feel better... knowing that I have emotions... cause for a while there, living without them was starting to look very scary....

again, for the providers.... the sex part of your job has to be fun, but the emotional part has to be difficult.  I am in awe.

I think you're pretty much on the money.

I've been in the hobby for over 40 years.  If I'm like most guys, in the early years of hobbying, it's all about getting your rocks off; the provider is essentially an elaborate aid to masturbation.  I know that up until I was in my late 30s, it was impossible for me to see providers as human beings.  It just didn't matter as long as my physical needs were satisfied.  

But one day you wake up, or you see someone who jars you out of that realm and you realize there's a whole other dimension -- that a provider is a person, too.  And in addition to being a sexual playmate, she can be a companion, a friend, etc. The Internet, by the way, has made that kind of connection much easier. But once you realize that, you open the door to, yes, an emotional connection.

It takes a long time, at least in my experience, to understand that a provider's friendliness or companionability does NOT mean an emotional connection in the sense of "being in love." But if, as a hobbyist, you can get to that place in your head, where there's an emotional connection but not a real commitment, then a whole world opens up that is immense fun.

It's kind of like the emotional equivalent of light french kissing:  You're friends with the provider, you have an "emotional" connection, but it's a light emotional connection - the key elements are (1) certainty - you each understand your own and the others' boundaries; (2) limits - there's a mutual understanding that this ain't "love." (3) fun - this is about fun.  

In that vein, I've had fantastic "relationships" with providers -- road trips, where we met and did the town in half a dozen venues across the country; fuckbuddy relationships, where I'd be the "drop in boyfriend" when she wasn't in love; fake romances, where we both went thru a lot of the motions, but stopped short of E-motion; and frank, candid friendships where we were each others' confidantes.  This is the great playground, where you can have the most pleasure without the baggage, expense or ambiguity of commitment.

An overriding observation on this subject:  One of the reasons that we're all in this hobby -- providers and hobbyists -- is that the rules of the game are clear.  There's nothing ambiguous or undertain about Franklins; there's nothing ambiguous or uncertain about that feeling when I'm inside her.  When we depart from the rules, or when we go into civvie relationships, we enter the realm of uncertainty:  She loves me, she loves me not; she loves me, she loves me not...  That's NOT why we're here.

Generally, a hobbyist who falls in love with a provider, without her falling for him first, is playing with fire of his own making and is going to get burned.  Gentlemen, keep that in mind:  she has to come to you, not the other way around.  

And,if you go beyond the great playground -- if, as a hobbyist, a provider falls in love with you -- you should treat it as a great and rare gift, to be handled with utmost care and a deep sense of respect and responsibility.  

-- Modified on 6/15/2006 7:46:48 AM

and the scientist in me, as I read through your post, was screaming - Hobbying = the macro world of Newtonian physics where everything is defined by the certainty of solving an equation for an absolute.... while Civie dating enters the realm of Quantum Mechanics... Where everything is expressed as a probability of certainty... and nothing is real!  lol!  

As far as I am concerned, I was truly worried that I was emotionally dead... knowing that I am not, right now, is a huge load off my mind.... and things, well, things look much brighter!  

Now, if I could just solve the problem of finding a decent ring tone for my cell phone.!   lol!

-- Modified on 6/15/2006 7:57:20 AM

Well said.  Particularly in the emotional realm with providers, the Heisenberg principle, or a variant thereof, applies in spades:  the closer you get to her, the harder it is to find her!

why I ever went down this road some 30 years ago.  It wasn't just for sex, because I could do that myself.  There was something more, a sense of excitement, of entering a different world.

Today I am in a somewhat confortable niche with a gaggle of steady ATF's, plus my beloved namesake.  Occasionally I open myself up to someone new, but it isn't with the same sense of awe and wonder I had years ago.

Thoughout this time, I have mostly followed "the rules" but there were a few interesting exceptions, some good, some not so good, but I wouldn't do anything different inretropect.

By the way, BS, I experimented with a lot of ringtones, and now have one that goes "ring-ring".  But the again, I've always been a minimalist.  

I have been in this lifestyle for only 6 years, and I started at age 50.  At the start it was about sex, and my lack of it.  But as it developed, I needed more of an emotional connection.  So I've wrestled with that concept along the way.  I like the "rules" and it's exciting to push at those boundaries.  Many of the women I've met understand that excitement.

I'm smart of enough not to fall in love.  I've made some good friends, and as luck would have it, one lady did come to me.  

One of my first regulars, eventually began seeing fewer people, and then told me she only wanted to see me.  Then she retired and we stayed as lovers and friends.  I realized that she saw something in me that she wanted or needed.  It's a wonderful feeling to have a woman you like, choose you over anyone else.  We're in different cities, but we remain close friends, email occasionally and talk on the phone.  If she comes to town, we meet.  Had it not been for the "hobby", I'd never have met her.  That would have been a shame.

Cheers!

some men not realizing that we're human, intelligent women trying to lead somewhat normal lives, just like the rest of the civie world.

Yes! We are providing a service, but it is not too difficult to see through the bullshit with some -- even though they say they respect you and that you're great -- that they still think of you as a prostitute. The old-fashion part of me hates that feeling, although my age helps me to overlook those harsh feelings.

Bizarro:  You hit the nail on the head, dear friend. You are an incredible person and very handsome. You should in no way feel anything less than commendable. If other women make you feel this way then there is something wrong with them or your relationship with them. That's all. Move on and seek beauty elsewhere. You deserve it.

Hugs,
Ciara

wow, somewhere i musta said the wrong sentence... it is the opposite of what you just said!  

The events leading up to and the divorce itself "numbed" my emotions.  Oddly enough, hobbying over the past 3 months for whatever reason - and maybe it is the ladies that I have chosen (or more accurately that have chosen me) to see have awoken my emotional self... and just as we stomp around to wake a sleeping foot... I just hope that I do not accidently step on anyone's emotions in the process of waking my "emotional foot" up!  

I've been thinking about this for some time now... at first the question was "why do I not feel ANYTHING!"  So - reread my post!  I am VERY relieved to be feeling stuff - good bad or whatever.... cause not feeling anything was really not so good.  I think - that I numbed my emotions to keep from going crazy - !!!  

Not bad!  good! and Superman starts June 30th!  so me get out of his way....

Part of me says if you have special feelings for someone regardless of the situation, tell them.  You may regret keeping your feelings inside for the rest of your life.  Who knows what could have come from your declaration?  

On the other hand, hearing from the gentlemen that they have special feelings for you, they are in love with you can be heartbreaking, especially when the feelings are not mutual.  Hurting someone's feelings is certainly not part of the package and you know if you tell them the truth, you may never hear from them or see them again.  Obviously, if you've reached the point where intimate feelings have surfaced, you're friends.  While I am always flattered to hear such amorous talk, it is frustrating to be placed on the spot.  

I understand the difficulty, but one must understand that an escort is always at her best when she is with her clients.  Even with regular clients, I refrain from complaining and airing my dirty laundry, I always look my best, I've pushed troubles away for our time together, I am focused solely on you.  That's not to say I'm not being myself, I am being the best of myself, for you.

Kate

I was simply expressing my point about the hobby and relating my experience in this business and how you paraphrased that we're good people. Thank you for that.

I was also trying to give you a compliment. You obviously read negatively into things sometimes without really understanding it, although you're a nice guy in person. Now I feel sad. I guess you read something totally into my post that wasn't there. I was really giving you a boost about self-confidence and agreeing with you. You're a nice guy and glad to see that you're feeling better and that the numbness is going away.

Gees! You cannot even compliment anyone on this board sometimes without getting flack. I give up! I'm going back to being a smart ass!

Hugs,
Ciara

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Interesting thoughts. They sound like theyre a good coping mechanism for you, and I imagine some providers really are like that. Im sure there are others that have more real feelings though. I think its possible to have very strong feelings for people, and still be able to keep yourself under control. It doesnt mean the feelings are any less though.

trying to understand why sometimes people's emotions hide.  Mine, a provider's, a person who is afraid to express love, a person who does not express grief... anyone.  But in a "hobby" which is of itself "personal" I would think that a  part of the provider has to be protected.  That is not bad... and much as that is true, after reading a lot of reviews, posts and other things, it is relatively rare gents find the one thing that will quence their longing for companionship... if that is the very thing that is kept "hidden"!  not bad, just is.  Much as folks say that reviews are not "personal"!  they are personal, they report the intimate relations between two people, how can they not be personal?!  

That Carrie expressed fear of expression, Miki (gotta love her) expresses her emotions and Mr. Fisher, well, is very open... these are a few, considering the number of posts and the number of folks herein engaged!

But that does not make these any less wondrous... perhaps more so.

Do I believe that is possible?  yes, I do.  Do I believe that it does happen that either party has genuine feelings for the other !   you bet!!!  I do... but I do believe it rare that they are mutual!  (but the same could be said for civie relationships... maybe even more so!)

Yea, the feelings are real.... I am simply happy to be getting mine back! yea... missed em!

As I said, as my emotes wake up, and I kinda stomp around on them a bit, it is not my intent to stomp on someone else's emotions, although I know that is inevitable.  I did not mean it to be yours!  (or for that matter, anyones')....

Complement?!  ok... I'll take one of those ! lol...  thanks very much (I do appreciate it).   But don't feel sad...

Just reflecting on the past few months (mostly good stuff... and  you are a part of that!)!  that is all!  and some of my reflections - have nothing to do with me, but rather the posts of others on this board... miki, Mr.Fisher, and Carrie!  I am very much impressed by their posts!  

and maybe Jealous! too!!!  hee hee...

I seem to annoy you!  and I don't know why!  Not the intent!  At all.

I was trying in a VERY clumsy way to express.  Clearly I was not as eloquent as you!  I love the line "That's not to say I'm not being myself, I am being the best of myself, for you."  words to live by - all the time, civie, provider or hobbiest!  

What was getting to me, in my tryst's previously, was the "sex" was good.  Sometimes even the conversation and human closeness was great!  that is there was a feeling of friendship... in a very casual way... but recently, deeper emotions... those that may constitute "love" or at least deep emotional lust (longing)... have kinda surfaced... - those feelings had not been there for a very long time.  Would I now put anyone on the spot! ?  no, but for the first time in a long time, I could envision a day when I might!  

Sheesse... maybe I should hire you as me ghost writer!  you do it much better than I!  Thanks.

Read your response to me and then ask yourself why I would respond back like that? I even tried to joke with you again. Am I annoyed with you? Only occasionally. Can I talk about my feelings like others on the board? Obviously not. I'll keep them to myself from now on. Thanks!

Hugs,
Ciara
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but - it would be such fun!  

More fun than dinner at Denny's! lol!

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Well said, Kate!! I really admire providers ability to be at their best, even when the whole world is caving in on them. (Who said the best actors are only in Hollywood?!!??). lol. On the other hand, (I might be the oddball here), About a year ago, I lost my wife to a heart attack. After being happily married over 25 years, one thing I learned to do is listen. I actually consider it a compliment when ANY gal will share her heart with me, friend, casual pal, provider, whatever. I don't consider it 'falling in love' or anything like that, it's just a basic act of humanity, I guess. I understand the idea of boundaries, everyone has them, and they're all in different places. I guess that with a provider, the line would be between letting her vent, and wanting something more than a business relationship.