So, here's the problem: I'm in that age-bracket where it's high time to tie the knot. Also, there's a sweet lady (not a provider!) I've been seeing for some time now that I think wouldn't say no if I popped the question. The thing is, I just can't be faithful. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I don't work that way! Hell, I've been hobbying around all the time I've been dating her. Okay, okay, I know I'm a major asshole, but stating the fact is no solution. So what do I do? Go through with the whole sham, swear faithfulness all the while knowing that I'll never be able to keep my promise. Or do I walk away from this girl, for which she'd hate me. I could say I'm not ready to settle down or some such crap, but I increasingly get the feeling that I'll never be ready to settle down. Anyone been in a similar situation? All wisdom appreciated.

Interesting... I'm single too and I've always wondered if I'll ever be faithful to my future wife, if I find somebody, since I've beeen so exposed to this lifestyle.

I would try to test this sweet lady's openmindedness... see if she's okay with bringing another girl to bed. if you can do that, then you shouldn't have to worry too much i think as far as whoring around. but try it and see what happens. if you approach it correctly you got nothing to lose.

Life is short---unless you make a wrong decision like marrying at the wrong time. Then life becomes looooooooong as hell, and not in a good way. If you TRULY love her, then leave her alone and don't complicate her life with your hobbying. I'm like you except I actually gave a girl a 3-carat ring and then changed my mind because of my probable infidelity. She hated me at first but we're friends even today. It's better to suffer the superficial scrapes now than what's sure to be a sucking chest wound later.

Go ahead and send your divorce lawyer a retainer. Any marriage built on a lie may last 6 months. Go ahead and be honest with her Who knows she may want to participate in the hobby with you or she may not. Either way you can get on with your life. IMHO getting married and having kids was the biggest mistake of my life. I'm a self absorbed, hedonist that should never have married a girl that I had an affair with while she was married to her first husband. The sex was great but 15 years, 2 mortgages, child support and alimony later I can barely afford to hobby once a month. Just my.02

Why do most people feel that they HAVE TO get married ?  I mean, seriously, when I ask my close friends why they're getting hitched, I get answers like "well, it's time" or "we've been going out for quite a while" or "she keeps aking me about proprosing" or other similar head-scratching reasons.  You even stated yourself that "I'm in that age-bracket where it's high time to tie the knot".  When was there a law passed that dictated a cutoff age for getting married ?

I'm apologize if this is off-topic or sounds like a rant, but just take a look around this website and see all the men who are frustrated with their wives and participate in this hobby.  I read things all the time to the effect of "my wife and I have sex only four times a year" or "there's no spark left in the relationship".  The womwn I've been with all confirm that anywhere from 70-80% of their clients are married.  Isn't that endorsement enough to maybe think twice about going through with it all ?

My point to this all (sorry it took so long to come out) is that if you are second-guessing yourself *before* you have even proposed, then take a long time to ponder your decision.  The consequences can be devestating, as also evidenced by divorce tesimonials on this site (both emotional and financial).

a bad reason for getting married.

If you don't think, now, before you get married, that this woman is the only one in the world for you -- then she's not the one you should be marrying.

When you find the right one, you'll KNOW, and you'll never want to be with any other woman again.

Then you'll get married.

Then 10 years will pass.

Then you'll be back here.

Women may have a biological clock in respect to child bearing years but "settling down" only comes when you are ready to.
   If you cannot see yourself being faithful to this lady in marriage you must either have her consent for you to continue to hobby or shelf your ideas of marriage until you are ready to "foresake all others".
   Marriage and children are not for everyone. It is to a persons credit if they can recognize and accept this fact and act appropriately. It is not wrong or shameful to be a self-centered hedonist. Being one while putting on the air of a faithful husband and selfless father IS.

  YKSY.

Kust omit the forsake all others part.

Thanks first of all for your responses. And I don't want to bore the crap outa you with my sob story, either. Just let me be a bit more precise about things. First of all, I don't know what kinda women you guys go out with, but come on, lay off the crack-pipe! You seriously suggest this is the way I break it to her: "Hey Honey, just remembered what I've been wanting to tell you. I'm really into escorts. No problem if you want to join in. Actually, you might enjoy getting eaten out by a chick. Personally, I really enjoy threesomes. Two chicks trying to blow me at the same time. Major turn-on..." Sorry, just ain't happening. Heck, I had to acquaint the women very carefully with the fact that there's something outside mish! Number two, I genuinely like this women. Okay, yes, I love this woman! Also, in a way I want to settle down with her, have kids, etc. But I also want to do the right thing by her. So all you married guys out there, hobbying like there's no wifey waiting at home, did you seriously believe you were gonna quit when you put that ring on her finger and said I will? (I've also heard the 70-80% married customers figure from providers.) Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you or anything, I just want to know. Because I know Keith Richards is going to kick H before I quit screwing around. I thought, I'd be able to. Even forked out big bucks to see this high end escort. See my last review. Thought I'd have one more perfect night, and then could walk away with no regrets. Who was I kidding? A week later I'm scanning the new talent. Another week, and I'm in a hotel room once again with some college girl giving me head. Is it just me who's messed up, or are we all, or is this whole society just built on a major fraud?

We never HAVE to get married.  It is a societal norm that too many just accept in life.  

How about an informal poll on this board about how many of the men married with uncertainty, a sense of duty or obligation, or even just because "it was time"?

Doing something this serious that you do not really care to do?
Ok, if you don't understand this from YOUR needs, look at hers:
How could you even consider tying up your ladies life in such a fashion?  How much REAL love will she potentially miss out on in her life because she agrees to commit to you?

If she is ok with you hobbying and wants to get married for simple comfort and security, or whatever other reason... fine!  NOT unless this is an agreed on arrangement.  AND certainly take the advice to put your divorce lawyer on retainer.

Otherwise, spend some time networking and meeting people in the swinger and poly communities.  Find yourself a bi-sexual lady.  Keep looking for the right fit.

xoxo,
S.

If you continue to hobby after getting hitched,
just be careful to leave no traces and don't
overspend to the point where your finances
become noticeably out of whack.

Everyone's situation is different.  If being
hitched cramps your style too much, stay single.

It seems like your question is...should I hurt her now, or later?  If she is as unlikely to entertain the 3-some idea as you say, she won't accept your hobbying either.  You might (unlikely) be able to stay married at that point, but she won't be happy, so you won't be happy.

That takes you to doing it behind her back with the hope of not getting caught.  Many of us are there, so no stones are being tossed, but do you want to volunteer to be there?

Do what you want, but understand any response you get from her will be your responsibility.

What kind of life do you want? What kind of life is worthy of who you are? There is no judgement in my tone, who am I to judge, but if you don't choose you will suffer always.

If you want something simple like what would I do?

I'd keep on living a coward's life and cheat. I'd lie everytime I got a boner and fuck what ever my wallet would allow. I would lie to myself by justifying my "hobby". I would justify it by saying that a woman that loves me enough to commit her life and trust in me doesnt give me enough sex. that it is her fault that I "need" to fuck around, not that I was too fucking afraid to tell her about my fears and desires.

I would give my love to every whore that accepts my pathetic offerings and wonder why she does not recripricate my affection. I would always be left wanting more when I already have everything.

Oh wait? That is who I already am. sorry for making it sound like I am not already doing that.

Sorry for dragging the rest of you into my self loathing.

Hey I say do what ever the hell you want.

I got married when I was just under 29...and that was too young.

It doesn't sound like you are really ready for marriage.  If you are having second thoughts then the answer is no.

Being honest with her...I don't judge...it is not my place.  Most guys who hobby are married.  I am now divorced and did not hobby while married (I did before).  Before I got married I did talk with my wife about my past sexual history (it wasn't as lengthy as it is now but did include some escapades).  She was accepting.  Not thrilled but accepting.

Just one man's experience.

You don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the one you can't live without. Marriage as are most things in our complicated lives is a choice - yours.

Communication, Communication Communication!!! Talk to her about it and if she's not into it then STAY SINGLE!!. My wife says it's ok as long as she gets to pick out the provider. I need her approval and we get along fine. But thats us!

Might as well continue now, you are going to do it eventually.

It's not about love, it's about varied sex.

You are going to LIE to you new bride about not seeing other women?

What a way to start a marriage!

TET.

you can be happy with one pair of eyes, one pair of lips, one pair of . . .  I've asked the kind of question you're asking now and whenever I did, I already knew the answer, as I believe you do.

I would love to hear a womans point of view on cheating and marriage and what they do when they cheat. I never realized how many men cheat on their wives until I got on this board. I hope when I get married that my marriage is happy enough where I can resist the temptation.

Men desire sex with multiple partners, even if sex with their s/o is great.

Once a man has discovered this hobby, it is only a matter of time before the fear of getting caught is overridden by the natural desire to fool around.

Can't put the genie back in the bottle forever once it has been freed.

US News report survey says that approximately 18% of married man cheat on their wives, and 25% of married women cheat on their husbands, within eight years of marriage....

Just make sure you have a good pre-nup so you can extricate yourself with minimal hassle if it doesn't work out. Clearly, we are a little bit more pragmatic down here than you guys but my feeling is that most smart women couldn't give a rat's arse about sexual infidelity as long as it was with a prostitute and not an enthusiastic amateur.  After all, your wife may be the best cook in the world, but she's not likely to offended if you occasionally buy take out is she?

What's important in your question is your own self-knowledge that you are a "hobbyist."  Some of us -- I daresay most -- are hard-wired to fuck around.  You are that way as well.

Believe me, marriage is not going to change you.  Despite the self-important, sanctimonious preaching on this thread, you're never going to be completely faithful.  That's just the way you are.  Thinking that marriage will change you or that the "right girl" will change you is delusional.

That turns your query into a different question:  do you tell your bride-to-be about your hobbying or not?  Granted, the consequences of getting caught are potentially painful, but I don't see the moral dilemma that some might about simply not telling her.  Do you tell this woman that you masturbate and fantasize other women?  Of course not, but you do it.  I don't think that that "deception" is particularly different, except in degree, from not telling about seeing a provider.  

Life is short; life is complex; life is full of shades of gray and never is black and white.  If you love the woman and otherwise believe you can have a productive and happy relationship with her, then maybe you should get married.  But go ahead and hobby; just do it in a way that she will never find out.  Pleasures are hard to come by.  And who knows?  You may die tomorrow.