I have been in the hobby for several years, seen many providers and have really enjoyed myself.  I recently met a provider, well reviewed, who I thought would be a good fit.  Turns out we hit it off very well.  I saw her two more times in a short period of time and each time was better than the last.  There was something very different about her and the way she spoke to me, looked at me, etc. I never experienced anything like it.  She is leaving on a trip soon and I will not see her for a while.  

The bottom line is I think I am in love with this woman, you know, the irrational kind of love.  I have never had this happen before and I am in my 40's.  I have always been a level-headed guy. I walk around thinking about her all day long. My thoughts aren't sexual as much as I just want to spend time with her, buy her a coffee.  Unlike the post previous, I am not bothered by the fact she is with other guys.

This is really screwing with my head.  I wonder if this has happened to anyone else out there in TER land?  Misery loves company

I think I am across a line here and would like some advise.  Assuming I see her again when she returns, should I tell her how I feel?  If I do I think I should offer her the option of cutting it off.  If I don't tell her soon do I ever tell her?  Your thoughts are appreciated.  OTL

We both know the rational and logical path to follow is to walk away ... run away.  Can you do that?  If you can, then do it ...

If not, then you need to manage the risk, go forward step by step, and don't get too deep ... bide your time ... unless there is exceptional harmony, love wears off.

By the way, rent an old movie called Camille, then Butterfield 8, and of course Pretty Woman.  I am surprised that you haven't got a lot of advice so far.

And of course I think you probably should tell her. And, if you do, she may want to  stop seeing you [a la Camille], or she may want to play with you.

Against all odds, this happens more than people think.

Don't think about women (too much that is) for a while.  Do some manly things.  Build something with power tools.  Watch football at a bar while drinking beer with your buddies.  Go to the gun club and shoot some guns.  Go to the gym and lift some weights.  Then call a DIFFERENT provider and have red hot sex.

But absolutely, positively, do NOT call the provider who you think you are "in love" with.  Repeat, DO NOT CALL HER, and do not see her ever again. This road has been traveled many many times in the past, and the road is littered with the bodies of those who started out with good intentions.

You didn't invent the wheel, and you can't square the circle.  Move on, quickly.

I have been through the same experience this spring.  I told her that I truly cared for her on the second date.  I am in my 60's and she is in her 40's, but the age does not make a difference.  Do I truly care about her? yes.  Do I love her? Yes.  We have gone out to lunch and dinner several times - we live in the same city.   I had 2 operations in July and she wrote me e-mails daily and also called me several times  She changed several of my values in life.  It is much more than the sex, it is about truly caring about someone.  Will we ever marry?  I doubt it.   We do share many values and activities in life, but we have different life styles, goals and ambitions. Does she love me?  I believe that she does when she signed an e-mail, Love, LOVE THAT IS.  

She broke the relationship 3 days later because her life was getting too complicated with me in it.  She said that there was no other man in her life.  She is a woman that needs her own space and cannot feel corralled.  We have not been together since late Aug.  She did call me on Monday to tell me about the operation that she had that morning.  I do hope that we will continue to be friends.

Just treat it as a friendship and let time take its course.

Let us know how she feels about you when the money runs out..I'm sure there are other guys that she made feel the way you do.  She's not in love with you, she's in love with your money.

I suppose I am a little further along than where you are at.

My question to you would be is this the first time you have fallen in love or the first time with a provider?

If she were a civilian, would you be telling her you loved her or would you still be exploring?

Have you spent any time with her not in bed?  What makes you think you want to have coffee with her.

My story could be yoursexcept mine lives cross country.  Met my ATF, saw her again shortly, took her on a trip, see her every other month.  Told her I loved her but not for at least 3-4 months.

I think about her ALL the time.  I have some contact with her 2-3 times/week when I am not with her.

Has she told me she loves me? No, but I assume there are some feelings, she goes out of way to do things for not much money.

Does she love my money? Of course, it's how she makes a living and the way she can afford to spend 3-4 days with me at time.

Have you crossed some line?  I don't know.  I think it is ok for humans to fall in love with other humans.  I think the odds of it working out are about the same as any other relationship, not great, but worth a try if you are willing to experience some pain if it falls apart.

When they are in your head like that, seeing another provider is not going to make her go away.  Sound like you have seen enough providers to make this one somehow different.  She is not going to go away until your head decides its time so why waste the money?

So I suppose I would see if she is willing to correspond while she is on her trip.  If yes, then that would be a good sign.  If she says no because it's business then that's ok too.  If she says no because she doesn't deal with clients while on vacation, then that is not a good sign.

If she were a civilian, I would wait a little longer before I told her I loved her and I apply that to this case too.  And the part about telling her it's ok to cut it off, I would skip.  That choice was never yours to give or take away so why go there?

see another lady or two.. that will do it

I really don’t understand this group’s obsession with love? Why is love so bad? I guess if you think of love as an obsession or a possession then yes it is very bad in this situation!

I think in some cases you get to be more open and more loving with a provider than anyone else on the planet. They share a secret that few people, if any, are privy to. They often get to witness a passionate, sexual side that is often hidden out of fear. (fear comes in many packages)

I know this may be contrary, but I say love! Love with total abandon, but love without expectations. Hell, I love a woman in San Diego with all my heart and we have never met. And if I never do meet her it will be acceptable for me.

I find it amazing the advice that you should run into someone else’s arms! Where is the lesson in that? Yes maybe you spent a little more money and lost a few ounces of fluids, but come on? All it does is prove you can cum with someone else and maybe push your feelings somewhere where you can’t feel them.

So what do you do when there is no more room for squashed feelings?

Here is a quote that I hope is clear;

Consider the trees that allow the birds to perch and fly away without calling them to come or longing for them not to leave. If your heart can be like a tree you will be close to the Way.
                                  ~LANGYA

.... but NEVER, under any circumstances, and I do mean NEVER, get involved with the help.

Look, she's great, she's beautiful, she's a tigress in bed, we all know that.  The problem here is you are confusing lust with love.

Fuck her as much as you want (or can afford) but always remember, regardless of how good it gets, she is doing a job.  She is very good at it if she has enchanted you, but it is still her job.

RUN, DO NOT WALK, AWAY FROM HER IF YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS.  In the end, it will be bad for both of you, but worse for you my friend.

As others have noted, you must ask yourself (and her) "what happens when (not 'if') the money runs out?"

Because the initial basis for your interaction is "commerce", it is important to sort out what is "business" and what is "personal".  Is it possible to have a "personal" relationship with someone you are doing "business" with? Of course it is. But just remember that the foundation of your relationship is business.

Has she said anything to you that leads you to believe that your feelings of Love are mutual? If not, then I'd suggest proceeding with EXTREME caution. How much time have you spent with the lady? Try to put this in perspective and control how much money you are spending.

I'm dealing with a somewhat similar situation myself, so if you'd like to PM me, go ahead.
Good Luck,
Humboldt

Orthodx suggests "I would see if she is willing to correspond while she is on her trip.  If yes, then that would be a good sign."

This guy is in the depths of a whacked-over-the-head-full-on Cupid asault. He'll be seeing "signs" EVERYWHERE. Someone drifts by wearing HER perfume, or three quick sightings of the same unusual pastel color that transiently covered her breasts so elegantly that he thought for a moment of not removing the bra, even a cloud in the sky that somehow reminds him of her eyes, her hands, her navel - whatever. REASON is on sabbatical here, and won't be back while this is undefined.

A BUNCH of guys have responded, all with the same mantra. It happens OFTEN. No doubt the original poster will "reason" that his case is somehow different. But I would not encourage him to think that if she's willing to sit at her keyboard for a few minutes a day while she's away, it's a "sign."

And I'd also toss someone else's advice about watching "Pretty Woman" for perspective. Julia Roberts ends up "happily ever after." No way that's the likely outcome here.

I started in this hobby barely six months ago, thinking that I needed, or deserved, or wanted ONE "le petit mort" experience with a woman who would leap from the pages of Vanity Fair to a Victoria's Secret modeling session and then into my bed. What I learned VERY quickly is that the women I've met who are good at this are extraordinary PEOPLE who happen to love sex, and individually/collectively they've made the observation that their love of sex provides them a great way to live well, travel well, and meet lots of interesting people. No doubt the tough part is that they have to learn quickly to act their way through MANY experiences with not-so-interesting men, but that's just good politics.

The original poster should know that this topic comes up even more often than "how do I know I'll be offered the services in her profile". On balance, I think the advice "see other providers" is good. If he chooses well, he can even discuss his affliction with them -some of  the ladies I've met have EXTRAORDINARY insight, and they certainly have the appropriate breadth of experience. In a way, it's telling that the ladies are missing from these public discussions. I think the reason is obvious - when you're selling fantasy, offering reality grattis is a bad business practice! (Thank you, Sedona, for your candor).

In the end, I think the original poster has little to lose by disclosing his feelings to the lady with whom he's so smitten. Odds are overwhelming she knows it already and is struggling herself with how to deal with it. I suspect she has genuine affection for him, too, and if she's one of the ladies whose reviews are a never-ending string of 9s and 10s, she certainly will have little real need for his money. Offered the chance to help him avoid the abyss, she likely will agree they should stop seeing each other.

And I bet the original poster won't take my advice any more than that of the other respondents!

Not an easy thing at all, and you are far from alone.

You have several different views expressed here already.  All are true from their perspectives.  Their situation, however, may not be yours.  For me, I’m an optimist and think such things can at times work out. I have a similar situation with a Lady I have been seeing for a long time.

No matter how you do things, once you have fallen for her you can get hurt.  You will hurt if you walk away without talking to her, and you will hurt if she expresses no similar feelings. If you want this to progress you have to talk to her about it.  Leaving certainly won’t do it.  And you have to realize that she then controls what happens.  She may say good bye, or express some mutual interest, or ...

Please, send me a note if you want.  There are some things I don’t care to put out on the public board.

Life and your feelings are a river you have to ride.

No Thought
No Reflection
No Analysis
No Cultivation
No Intention
Let it Settle itself

You are going to ride the river whether you want to or not.  Ride it well...Harry

You are going to have to go through your life and your feelings.  Remember the 6 precepts of early Buddhism.

No Thought
No Reflection
No Analysis
No Cultivation
No Intention
Let it Settle itself

You are going to ride the river whether you want to or not.  Feeling in love is a wonderful feeling.  You are enough of a man to deal with it and all of it's implications.  Be brave and ride the river well...Harry

I can't help but wonder if all these feeling and experiences that we collectively go through have some sort of elementary component.. some sort of top quark of feeling.

What I do know is that Lust and Love are two different things. And that it's very easy to confuse them (talk about fog of war).

In fact, a large part of why I have delved into this hobby is to correct a major flaw in my inability to seperate the two (at least that's how my mind is justifying this activity). I am young. But when it is time to choose someone to settle down with, I cannot afford to make the wrong decision because my bigger head is doing the thinking.

The best barometer of true love is time. And we're talking years here. Lust or "romantic love" as it's called scientifically, can be instantaneous.. hence the "falling in love" concept. And we've all been there. And we all know it's awesome power. The question is.. can the intellectual self reign in the emotional one. For those thinking "why would you want to?", I envy you.

The best that I've come up with is this: that we have some measure of control over the feeling we're talking about. But the control is like a tiny latch that is holding a floodgate closed. That's the mental picture. The degree of control over that latch is going to be different for each person. And the latch itself is differnet for each person. Insensitive people have rusted latches that make it difficult for them to ever feel the rush. Young and inexperienced people don't even know that a latch exists, and are easily overwhelmed.

Half the trouble is also that you don't know how easy it is for the the latch to open unless you try it.

In my case, my latch was on a hair trigger. But I recognized it and this hobby is a vehicle for me to rectify it.

In your case, the floodgates are wide open and water is under the bridge. The question is: what are you going to do? Can you do anything? Is the torrent so strong that you're gonna be swept away? Or can you pull yourself out and close the gate again. Or heck, maybe you can convince yourself into thinking that you like the water and it's gonna take you down river to a better place. You do have a choice though.

Truely how often does one feel such feelings...call it love, call it infatuation, call it irrational emotions....or whatever. It is fairly rare to feel such emotion and from my perspective you should be thankful that your daily routine doesn't define your life.
Now this doesn't answer how or what you should do as a next step but.....as someone once said, this too shall pass. Enjoy while it lasts...

I guess the reason to post and read responses is to come to your own way of understanding what you want to do - it's clarity rather than advice that seems to be at issue.  How do you be true to your best insight into who you are?  That's where I think we ought to base decisions.  In my experience, that's generally the direction that confronts me with new anxieties - it takes balls to do what one wants to do.

So here's my 2 cents worth.  If you enjoy the experience of loving her, then why not just enjoy it and celebrate it right in front of her, boldly and enthusiastically.  Of course, the rub is when you want something back from her, like love reciprocated.  I guess part of the reason we want that is to affirm our self worth and value.  I am old enough that now when I can meet someone - anyone - that I love, I am just glad for it.  There are too, too few that I get to enjoy that much.    

Hope that helps you clarify your own thoughts.... but who knows?

You said you've hobbied "several years."  Did you have any rules or limits when you got into this business?  Say, for instance, "it's just business and I will not let my emotions spill over into my personal life."  If so, remember and abide by your own rules.  I bet you didn't get into the H in order to find a girlfriend...

Blurring the line between this hobby and your life NEVER EVER EVER WORKS OUT!!!!  Well, I guess I can't say never, but almost never and YOU AREN'T THE EXCEPTION.

Dude!  LISTEN!  She makes you feel special.  That's good.  But you are paying her to do it, IT'S her JOB!  She does such a good job that you feel it's more than business.  Dont' F*&% it up by thinking it is anything more!  

If you are an intelligent and full man, you will be able to differentiate between the two and continue to see her.  If not, you must stop seeing her, "BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH" (sorry, had to steal Jack Nicholsen's line).

Don't be tempted by the above sympathizers (ride the river, etc. BS), you are mixing brake fluid and chlorine and a violent reaction is soon to follow.

Sorry for the lengthy rant, but to any neutral observer, you are crossing the reality/fantasy line.  You do so at your own peril (and hers, if she decides to go along).

And that's my muthafuckn story! And I'm sticking to it!

That's a very interesting (and thoughtful) response, bimmerguy! However, I'm not sure about the number of women in the busines who love sex. Clearly, some do. Others do not.  

If the original poster reveals his feelings to the lady, what are the possible outcomes?  Here are a couple of possibilities:
1. the lady turns out to be a total mercinary and pumps the guy for every red cent.
2. the lady is a decent human being and gently tells the man that his love is appreciated, but the feeling is NOT mutual.
3. the lady is also in love with the guy
AND ... (here's a Big One)
4. the lady is married and has no desire to change her status.

Although I've already posted to this topic, bimmerguy's post got me to thinking further about his problem.

IMHO, the original poster needs to get to know the lady!!!!
So here are a few other questions that a person in his situation might want to ask...
1. Has she shared her real name with you?
2. Has she invited you to HER home?
3. Has she introduced you to any of her friends?
4. Have you spent time together "off the clock"?

IF you can answer "YES" to all of these four questions, then MAYBE there is a possibility of some sort of personal relationship that does not depend upon donations.  If not, you are probably heading for a world of hurt.
...Good Luck,
Humboldt

Ignore the usual naysayer bullshit. True, the odds are against you, but sometimes you just have to go with the flow. I advise that you don't tell her the L word. There are many ways you can show her without saying a word. Telling her at this point will do only one of two things. Scare her that you'll turn into a stalker or just plain put her in a very uncomfortable position. If the feelings are mutual, she will let you know soon enough.

Relationships in the real world are hard enough. In this one, you really never know where you're at. Bottom line is ,enjoy her for the moment,no matter how long it lasts. Remember too, that you may get what you ask for..so be prepared for the reality.

-- Modified on 11/14/2003 3:22:21 PM

And when you fall in love with a "provider", unless an army of angels and a whole lot of shrinks are on your side, they always do. And when you are burnt and she is angry, move on and try not to do it again. Not that I heed my own advice although this last time singed me so bad maybe I'll finally listen.

I disagree with perhaps everyone on this board. Tell her you love her. Then, step back and let time take the relationship on a natural progression.

HB

I think your answer is too simplistic.

First, I’m assuming Overtheline has seen many (whatever that is) ladies, and the feelings towards this ONE are different.  Will she return the feelings to the same degree?  Probably not, but possibly.

If he runs away he WILL hurt, never sure that she wouldn’t have reciprocated.

If he talks to her, most Ladies will, I believe, be honest in their reply.  Either, “No, I’m not interested”, or “Yes, I feel the same way”, or very possibly, “I like you, I’m willing to see what happens”.

I don’t think most Ladies want someone “in love” with them if they only have business feelings in return.  The extra attention the guy would expect isn’t worth it to her.  The four questions someone mentioned above are a good guide, I think, and point out what I’m trying to address.  She would be taking a substantial risk doing some of these things if she had no real feelings in return.

Yes, he can ask and find out that she doesn’t feel the same.  It will hurt.  But eventually he will find out anyway, and learning sooner is better than later.  If she says “No”, I think that is a whole lot easier to get over than walking away and wondering forever.

Thoughts from the Ladies, who seem conspicuously absent from this thread?

Remember she is a GFE and you maybe a BFE for her with no strings attached.  I like the 4 questions asked by Humboldt.

1.  Do you know her real name?  Yes, I do
2.  Have you been to her place?  Yes, I have
3.  Has she introduced you to her friend?  Yes, I spent 5 hours with her and her mother on my boat.  Her mother sent me a card and took pictures of us together.  Her mother appears to be impressed with me.
4.  Have we spent time together off the clock?  Yes, but not as much as I would like.  Much more time has been spent on the clock.  We did exchange e-mails almost daily for 5 months.  Remember, it is good business to keep in contact with your best customers.

Yes, I have see other providers before her and 1 after her. I have "fallen in love" about 3 times during my 64 years.  I have been married for 40 years.

Enjoy life and your time with her.  Do limit the amount you are willing to spend on her each month.  It costs me less than my wife costs me per month.

She controls our friendship - not me.  I do hope that we will continue to be friends, but it will not be the end of the world if it does not continue.  She will be the person missing out and not me.    

I hope that is what I was trying to say. LOL.

First and foremost, many thanks to you all for the thoughts.  This truly helps.  I am going to read them all again.  Let's see... weight lifting and wood shop to Buddah.  Gives a guy a lot to think about. lol  I actually went out last night to an event and reconnected w/ a few friends, had a few drinks and that helped too.

BTW I have got her real name, phone # and email.  I have seen a few other providers in the course as well.  They were great (I have been on a roll thanks to TER).  It was as good as it ever was with them but not the same as my quagmire.  There is just some juice there that I can't describe.

There are a few more facts.  She is in her late 20's. She is not from this country. English is good, not great which adds to the confusion. She is in school and will be done in the summer.  She is training to be a health professional here which was her job in her native land.  She needs to get licensed here.  She plans to retire on graduation. She has told me money is not that important to her, she is as provider as a means to that end. So there is a day of reckoning coming in the spring. I see a woman here who is genuinely nice, cares about people enough to make it a career, and happens to love hot sex.  I think I want to know her better.

I think my plan (subject to change without notice) is to throttle back on hobbying while she is gone.  I am going to see her when she gets back, keep my feelings in check and see what happens.  At least at this point a crash and burn sounds better than never knowing.

I too wonder why we did not her from the provider community, after all they are on the other side of the line!
Hey thanks again to you all!  OTL

Well, that's a big point you left out. You might want to buy a translation dictionary. If she tells you to "f off" in swede, you sure as hell don't want to interpret it as "i love you too" Helmut.

As you've seen, there are almost as many opinions about this as there are people responding.  I'll offer mine, which has as much validity as any others.

I also found myself emotionally connected to a provider.  She was attached, had children, etc, etc, etc.  I was not bothered by what she did or the fact she was attached.  I was attached also.

I let her know how I felt.  At times she seemed to be all right with it and other times it was clear that the pressure of that was more than she wanted.

Some people come into this to have a "break" from the realities of their existing relationships or circumstances. Some come into it biding their time until a relationship occurs.  Others come into it seeking a replacement for an otherwise miserable relationship.  I'm sure I've left out a whole bunch of other situations.

Know for yourself what it is YOU want.  Be up front with her about where you are emotionally.  See how SHE feels about the whole thing.  Give her the time and space to deal with the information.  Remember that she is in the business of pleasing people.  If someone is unhappy or displeased with what she does, this community hears about it through reviews or these message boards.  So, there is a different element of risk in how she deals with you and the possible repercussions of her not feeling the same way you do

Will you see her again?  How much additional pressure will you put on her for more emotionally than she is willing to give? Will you blast her on the reviews or boards because she didn't return your feelings?  So many possibilities... We've seen evidence of them here and I'm certain that if you've ever been through more than one relationship, you've seen how inelegantly we tend to deal with emotionally and/or sexually charged issues.

I know I didn't give you much "help".  But, maybe there are enough things in here for you to think about to help you decide what to do next.

Oh, and most importantly. DO NOT make decisions for her...

OTL -

First, thanks for letting us know your situation.  You did the right thing to tell us about it.  If this community is to mean anything, we should share feelings and try to help one another. You have, and you can see other people have.

I think there is no right or wrong answer.  Some providers never really care about any client; some others probably fall in love themselves.  (Providers: you've been pretty quiet.  Any comments?)  

My suggestion is: ask her how she feels.  Would she like to spend some time with you "off the clock"?  Then, you've got to be able to handle whatever answer she gives.

If she says no, you've got to know your life isn't over: you can build a loving relationship with someone else.

If she says yes, you'll momentarily feel good, but you've got to be careful to make sure she really means it and is not just using you, as a stall for more money.  

Or you may get an answer in the middle: she could be confused about her own feelings.

Glad to see you're reaching out to other people.  There's nothing wrong with seeing some other providers in the interim, too.  After all, remember, she's seeing clients all the time.

With time, I'm confident you'll be able to control this situation and put it into perspective.  Hope your having told us has helped a bit.

Good luck.

Sounds like a reasonable plan.

You have plenty of time until she graduates to see what is going to happen and then, she still has to get her license.

So an one astute person told me enjoy the time you have with her.

Might want to think about what you are going to do if she says there is no future for you when she retires but she is willing to see you until then.  If that is going to ruin your fantasy, then I would think about waiting to tell her of your feelings.
Maybe see if she will see you off the clock for dinner.  If she won't see you off the clock, there is little liklihood of any serious going on between the two of you.

Good luck!