I mentioned in my posts several weeks ago that I quit hobbying until my baby daughter goes off to college.  My baby is 3-months old. My fear of losing my family has kept me away from the hobby.  Somehow I keep hearing in my mind that as long as I stop hobbying, my baby and my family will be just fine. I'm so scared that if I start hobbying again and something terrible happens, I'll blame myself for the rest of my life.  I can't seem to overcome my own fears.  Does anyone believe in a Higher Power that prevents us from doing certain things?  I feel like a slave of faith... and I'm not even a religious person. It seems like the few times I visited a provider, something was trying to prevent me from the visit, i.e. invalid ATM card, terrible traffic, and wife calling me as I'm in the car.  This sounds kinda spooky, but I think someone upstairs is really trying to stop me.   And then there was that STD/HIV scare I had on my mind for weeks.... That was not fun.  Even though I was extremely careful with all the providers, the thoughts of infection kept popping in my mind, until finally I was tested and affirmed that I'm okay.

Because my wife is so busy and tired from taking care of the baby, there is absolutely no sex between us.  Last week was the 1-year anniversary of the last time my wife and I were intimate (night that we conceived our baby).  I don't know if it's true, but somehow I feel it's a biological necessity for men to have uninhibited sex once in a while...  I am so tempted to visit a provider... But there is also the guilt factor.  While my wife is losing sleep every night because of the baby, for me to get my sexual gratification elsewhere would be a terrible thing to do....and unfair.  Can a person love his family and enjoy the hobby at the same time? Anyone in a similar situation and would like to offer some advice?

You seem to have so much guilt just thinking about it that I would recommend you stay out of the hobby.  If anything were to happen you would never forgive yourself.  How would your wife react if she discovered you were seeing providers?  If you can't deal with that scenario, then you should abstain.

That is a tough one.  I wish there was a way for everyone to be happy and fulfilled sexually as well as mentally...but, unfortunately that can't always be.  If you will have guilt, you need to weigh what is more important....your family or your desires. In a perfect world we will have both.  Another suggestion is to talk to your wife about your feelings.  You may be surprised what a woman will do to please her man.    

Ciao,
xoxox
Isabella

How would most of the wives react. The answer is obvious to me.

Gosh man, can't you talk to your wife and resolve the no sex situation. It's gonna ruin your marriage if you don't. Don't even think of hobbying until you and your wife sit down and have a real heart to heart. Be honest with her, get her some help with the baby, take a weekend alone just the 2 of you, let the grandparents take care of the baby, do something for just the 2 of you.

-- Modified on 10/21/2004 6:19:18 PM

should you not resolve you no sex situation, then lose this guilt that you have and join in the fun that can be had.  You deserve to get laid once in a while with passion and feeling that our lovely ladies are trained to give.

Peace out

You haven't had sex for a year and the baby is 3 months old.  Therefore, one can reasonably assume that baby related fatigue is not the cause of your 'platonic' marriage.  I think you need to deal with this issue, and fast.

Yes, of course you can believe in a "higher power" and still hobby,but not if you have the kind of guilt you're feeling. It's really very normal to not have sex with a new baby in the house. You have to help her out more. Pamper her and let her know you still desire her, and maybe forget about the full sex for awhile and concentrate on affection. It will come back, just give it time. Here is the most important thing..don't give up or you may loose it forever.

Sent you a PM

Help your wife with more of the childcare responsibilities and also with cooking and housework.  Many guys have wives that work all day then come home to take care of the kids, cook and clean house.  And those men wonder why they do not get any sex.

You are a meaning making machine. You can find any meaning in anything you want. So if you are feeling guilt in the "signs" it is because you assign that meaning to it.

This hobby is not for everyone, there is nothing wrong in feeling guilt, but you need to settle the more important issue here, the lack of intimacy with your wife.

Couple of questions:

Do you tell her how you feel?
Do you tell her what you need?
Do you tell her what you want?

Do you know the answer to any of these questions for yourself? How about her answers? How does she feel, need and want?

By not asking or not telling her the truth, you are creating a story that she is wrong? There is no possibility in a great relationship while you are making someone wrong. How about figuring out a solution so you can both be happy.

Be genuine and generous. Ask her how she feels about the situation? Ask her if she could have anything what would it be? Then give it to her. Instead of hiring someone to have sex with, hire someone to take care of your child and then go have sex with your wife. Even parents of very very sick kids need intimacy. Support the support system.

Have sex with a provider, but don't do it because you are afraid to talk with your wife. Hell what do you have to lose? More sexless nights?

-- Modified on 10/21/2004 7:33:16 PM

Higher power is IN you...not outside of you.  That's your conscience talking about your own personal conflict, not what some outside force is trying to impose on you.  Like most coincidences, you mold the above mentioned circumstances to fit your needs (arguing your own morales).

*I* happen to believe that everyone has a RIGHT to have a fulfilling sexual outlet...it's as much a basic need to the human condition as food, water, and shelter.  I also think love and intimacy is a basic need, but don't get that confused with sex...

Is it *wrong* for you to seek fulfillment outside your marrige?  Depends on your commitments, but sounds like you have promised her otherwise...  If you want her to respect your needs, how can you do so if you don't respect hers and the commitments you've made together?

Have you talked with her about your needs and what is going on with the lack of intimacy?  Has she lost a desire for sex?  Is there a reason behind that?  Is there something you can do for her to help make her life easier, or to make her feel sexy again after having a baby so that she will want to engage again?  Remember, her hormones are still trying to get back on track...and her body is changed forever.  It's a HUGE adjustment for women sometimes.  If you love her, and you have serious moral dilemmas about seeking fulfillment outside of the relationship, seems to me you should be trying to find out how to fix what's at home if possible.

If it turns out that she's just not interested anymore, plain and simple, you will then be faced with the choice to grin and bear it (and practice the art of self loving), get your release elsewhere (and try to deal with the guilt), or consider whether you can really be happy in that relationship.

Everyone deserves to be happy and get what they want out of life, so your needs ARE important!  I just don't know how you can be really happy if you are being decietful in the process satisfying one of your needs...  

Also, you should consider what type of example you want to set for your child about what love and relationships are about. How you live your life is what they will model in their own relationships later on.  Underlying resentment and tension is not lost on children, as much as people try to convince themselves otherwise...  Would you like to see your child grow up to be in the same situation?

Food for thought for the road ahead...good luck to you.

xoMegan

I think that all men NEED sex. It is a fact of life.  So what do you do? How do you keep this from her? Are women that stupid out there that they don't know what their husbands are doing?

Say whatever you want to about fundamentalist Protestant ministers. None of them have a thing on my eighth grade nun. This woman would stand in front of the class and rant and rave about eternal damnation if we "tampered with your bodies." An exact quote. And that was just for masturbation! God knows what circle of hell we'd end up in if we actually had sex with somebody!

She only taught at my school one year. They sent her back to the motherhouse after she tried to convince the priest that this 13 year old boy needed an exorcism. For normal 13 year old stuff like spitballs and rubber bands.

The worst thing is that you didn't have to have sex, didn't have to masturbate to commit a "mortal sin." All you had to do was have "impure thoughts" and you were risking damnation. If you got run over by a truck before you could get to confession, you were as bad as Hitler, and would be punished accordingly.

I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Its easier said than done. First, DONT tell your wife about the hobby or that you are thinking about the hobby. I would like to know how this turns out if you do talk to your wife about your needs. In this age, women have been taught that its all about THEM. If they are not in the mood, even for a year, then its too bad for hubby. My guess is that will be her reaction with no consideration to the fact that the man has needs. But hubby still has needs. Thats why the hobby exists.

This poster has a history of "playin' this board. Noth that he doesn't suffer from guilt, but I suspect that the circumstances he presents are not real or based in reality. So don't waste any brain cells on him or his so-called plight. The evidence is in the numerous posts he's made where the circumstances always seem to change. Sorry buddy, doesn't ring even close to true. If you have to come to this board for advice or absolution, I suspect that you are really in trouble, but not in a way that advice can help. Try PRO$AC!

-- Modified on 10/22/2004 12:27:43 AM

No, I don't believe there is a higher power.  I believe that emotions act on people against their desires and their will, so powerfully that people could come to see them as a "higher power."  I think it's a fiction people create, and I don't think it is a healthy one.  

The stresses that you feel before seeing a provider could well seem like something "preventing" you.  Recently, I had the experience of getting lost trying to find a bank before seeing a provider.  It wasn't a higher power.  I was in an unfamiliar city.  I spent a quarter of my time lost.  

You're feeling a lot of guilt from many different sources surrounding your sexuality.  You're afraid of losing your family if you hobby. However unfair it is, you may lose your family if you don't hobby.  If don't hobby, you may close off one possibility of losing your family, that is, your SO's anger at betrayal, but nothing's guaranteed, you could still lose your family.  If it happens and you don't hobby, the only difference will be your guilt.  

You'll have to weigh things and play your own biology.  I find that I'm a better person when I'm more sexually satisfied, and kinder to people in general.  You may feel guilt that your wife is so busy and tired spending so much time with your child, but one of you has to be sane enough to raise her.  I hate to say that I believe sexual frustrations of strictly monogamous parents tend to get taken out on the kids, but that's exactly what I believe.  Time away from sex doesn't necessarily translate into quality time for the children, and it may translate into mean time for the children.  

/Zin

-- Modified on 10/22/2004 1:47:58 AM

Precisely why I never had children.

I've heard this story 1000 times from friends and neighbors.

If you ask her, like as not she'll give you some BS about your not pursuing her anymore... which is like saying "If the food didn't come to me, I must not have been hungry."

Your situation is why men cheat.

I have been there & done that too. Unfortunately, it is something that you have to think through yourself, as there is no standard answer. It is very tough and there is no simple way out of it. I say, go with your gut feeling. Just don't listen to the little head all the time like me as I made the wrong choice (for me, at least).


I do wish you well whatever the decision!!! Hell, I will even dedicate my next big, fat Cuban cigar to you! Good luck & Godspeed!

-- Modified on 10/22/2004 9:12:58 AM

I always appreciate your posts. Your post are a combination of insight, inteligence and compassion. All three traits devoid in myself!!

this guy should be banned.  Here I am being honest and sincere about my personal situation, and this guy just tries to be hurtful.  In what way do I have a history of playing this board? If greatrush is such an honorable guy, he wouldn't use an alias. At least I use my own login and not try to hide. I think the admins should track your IP address, and ban your ass for good!

taking the time to offer me good advise and comfort.  There is truly a human side to this hobby, and I am grateful that hobbiests and providers can share truthfully on this forum.

I thought about your ideas, and I believe it's true that my conscience is the Higher Power, and the guilt is a limiting factor.  

Come to think of it, I think I'm to blame for the lack of intimacy. I don't recall requesting sex and being denied by my wife. We just never mentioned sex in the last 12 months. I feel the urge, and I just keep it to myself....until May 2004 when I started hobbying briefly.  I guess if I asked my wife for sex and she says no, then I wouldn't feel so guilty.  The problem is I have not been affectionate at all.  Somehow I can't picture myself being intimate with the mother of my child.... it's wierd, but I may have lost interest in my wife sexually? Is that possible? I think that might be my problem.... it's not my wife's fault... It's mine!!

It is okay to be crass when you have a big dick!

-- Modified on 10/22/2004 2:58:02 PM

We do need to get together soon over a nice cigar and more!

-- Modified on 10/22/2004 2:56:09 PM

With all that sweetness coming out of you earlier in the thread, Stemp, I thought you might have given up cigars and implants.  Nice to know some things don't change!

Neener neener!

1) You need to communicate with the wife.

2) Take the money you would have spent on a provider and hire a good sitter or take the baby to the grandparents.

3) Get a room or take a "tank of gas" mini vacation.

you wouldn't enjoy it because of the pangs of guilt.  I too have been all but shut off for years (about once a quarter in a good year) and there's no baby to blame it on.  The people on this board are generally terrific and smart but all the advice in the world can't make this decision for you.  I'm taking a month off and may make it two--can't expect anyone here to help me with that.  You just have to listen to your smarter self on this one and it sounds as though you already have.

...(getting caught and losing family) then hobby. If not, stay far, far away and stick by the two women (mommy and daughter) in your life until the storm passes.

You've been "putting your life" out here as you claim as truthful when if you cannot absorb someone else's opinion then you should be banned for being a cry baby. The truth hurts I suspect and since this is a public forum, I can have an opionion whether it meets your standards is of no concern to me. So grow some or grow up, whichever causes you the least amount of pain.

It is a very real dysfunction in relationships.  I hate to assume things, but you aren't by any chance Catholic are you? (lol)

A woman has a child and becomes a mother...a madonna, and can no longer be looked at in the same way sexually by her partner.  He saves the "dirty" sex for another woman, the "whore" (paid or otherwise), or just denies his urges all together.  Counseling might be able to help you explore where this stems from in you, and also help you change your thinking on it.  The mind is a powerful tool, and you do have the ability to take control of this and turn it back into what you want.  
 
Another thing to consider, if you haven't been asking for sex since she got pregnant or had the baby, she may feel like you don't think she's desirable or sexy anymore and may have some self-esteem issues at work as well...  She may not, and may just be caught up in the change in hormones etc., but if you are the one that usually asks...if that is the normal pattern between you two and now that has changed...I mean, I now how I would feel...  

Think about telling her what you are thinking and why you haven't been able to engage...let her know it is not that she's isn't desirable or sexy, but it's your own change in comfort level with having sex with the mother of his child, as silly as it may sound coming out.  Anyone that loves you will want to do what they can to help overcome that, and understanding what is really going on will help keep her from developing her own issues as a result.  You will need to work with her to get through this, and letting her in might make your relationship even stronger and better then before.

As they say, ask and ye shall recieve...let her in, ask for her help, seek out a counselor...you have the power to create your own destiny.

My best to you,

xoMegan

A higher power told me to tell you to go fuck your wife already!  Seriously though, get creative and help your wife to get what she needs so you can be intimate again.  Relatives to take the kid to give you and her an evening a week to be alone, counseling, whatever it takes.

Peace,
-b