Question to both genders: How do you know when you're falling out of love with your SO?

Obviously, engaging in the "hobby" is one sign (for us guys). What other feelings, emotions, desires, symptoms, feelings of something missing, etc... have you experienced that have led to a break-up?

I'm trying to figure out if I'm just going through a phase, or if I'm really not in love anymore.

Are you talking about your SO or your ATF?

If you are talking about your SO and you spend "quality" time with your ATF, that is a big time.  If when you are dreaming about anything and you relate it to your ATF instead of your SO, then that is a problem.

The fact that you would post this particular question on this particular board is a problem.

Relationships do wax and wane.  You may just be at a low point.
I would suggest if you want to stay with you SO, you don't use the hobby or your ATF if she is still around to get you by but instead engage with your SO and see if you can make things better.

Good Luck

I am referring to my SO, not my ATF. Although, everthing else you said is true. I agree with you that if I knew for sure that I wanted to stay with my SO, then I'd drop the hobby/ATF and focus on her. However, therein lies the question...

I've learned a lot about myself during the last couple years, and I'd summarize to say that I'm at a crossroads with respect to various aspects of my life. I'm just trying to figure out which road to take... and I know full well that making no choice at all would be the worst. We only have so many years on this planet, and I'm scared that I'm just treading water while I watch my prime years go by.

Oh, by the way, you refer to spending quality time with an ATF, or otherwise not dreaming of my SO as a "problem". I don't see why that's the case... if it makes me happy, and "might" be the right thing for me, then how is that a big problem? Hey, I'm just trying to give each road (choice) an equal weight.

and for me it clicked that I was no longer in love with my "x'husband was when I realized that I could not be around him at all. I was not sexually attracted to him. For me this was a big deal because we use to have sex a min of 2x's per day. I did not like his perfume, his body, his voice, his presence. I mean I was looking for any excuse to leave my house on the weekends. After work I would spend almost 3 hrs at walmart shopping for nothing, just so that I would not have to see him. All this went on for mths actually almost a year and then I just  picked up my kids and left him with everything....I do not regret it at all( never will).

To this day I can not understand how couples can claim to be in love and have no sexual attraction to eachother? How can 2 people sleep together and not want to caress eachother and play and let themselves be intimate............

This is my experience and possibly does not apply to anyone else.

kisses & licks......
mara

Thanks for your comments Mara. For me, it's not that I dislike being around my SO. We are very close and otherwise have a good relationship. However, she is a bit older than I, and I'm finding I have lost (or loosing) my sexual attraction for her. We have sex perhaps once every few weeks... which like yourself, does not do it for me. I suppose that's as much my fault as hers, but I can't help the way I feel.

I characterize my relationship with my SO as like my sister and/or my best friend. She is also going down a different spirtual road than I, which is also causing some fundamental differences between us. I find myself less and less tolerant of that than I used to be. Especially now that I find my sexual needs are more "adventurous" in nature, which is stuff she would never do. If she had to choose between God and me, it would probably be God.

So what do ya think?

If you are asking the question now, you have probably already fallen out of love.  If you were still in love with her, then you wouldn't be asking these questions.

I think you have to try and think back to what you fell in love with in the first place, all those wonderful qualities, the way they crinkle their eyes when they laugh, all that stuff, and then look at today and see if any of it's still there, and if not, if any of it can be resurrected.  You can fall back in love with someone too.

-Anya

I would find myself telling my wife I was working at night, and then just sleep at the office or in my car, so as not to have to return home. I realized how crazy the whole scene was and had to leave.

Recently saw my father; after my mother passed away two years ago, start living life after 49 years of marriage. A man I had never met blossomed out of his persona. Lasted for only two years, then he found out he had developed stomach cancer and was gone 30 days later. All I could think was why did he have to wait so long to enjoy life so much?

Not looking to tell sad stories, only to reinforce the idea that if you’re in a relationship you don’t belong in, get out if you can. I have always thought that if the divorce rate hovers around 50%, there is probably another half again that just don’t have the guts to make the move.

I since have met an incredible woman that also enjoys the playing, the caressing, and most importantly, the level of intimacy that we share. I always realized how important an element these things were in an intimate relationship, just didn’t think I would ever be able to experience it with anyone like I am.

I too feel like you Mara…no regrets.

SM

I would also pick God over anyone else, this is probably not what you expected me to answer. I believe in my heart of hearts that God needs to be the center of the family and especially a couple. However I do believe and I am sure it says it in the bible somewhere about being intimate with your partner and pleaseing them , I do not think that God wants to be used as an excuse for dennying your partner and yourself for that matter intimacy.
I find that some of us are always looking for excuses and feel that if we use the word God then if justifys it. I do not think God wants us to use him as an excuse.

this is my opinion .............
mara of san diego

When I finally made my decision to get a divorce I did a little math........ My fomula was simple, if God grants me the opportunity to live 20 more years ..........then it is my responsibility to make sure I live as happy as possible and in my current situation that was not going to happen.

Would I ever recommend divorce..........NO! I really think it is as individual as we all are. Is it easy.........NO! but I do not regret it.

kisses &licks..
mara of san diego

Bring a girlfriend of hers with you.  After a few drinks, go to the restroom and take a good long time coming back.  Watch the way guys approach your wife and talk to her.  You'll be reminded of all the reasons you fell in love with her.  

And, by the way, seeing escorts is not always a sign that your falling out of love with anyone.  

Good luck to you,

Jacksonlips

I gotta' admit I'm so used to seeing divorce papers with the wife as the petitioner I forgot that sometimes the guy gets a belly-full and bolts.
   I admire how you keep in touch with your feelings and how you give value to them.  As for your question all I can say is
choose wisely because you don't want to blow a good thing just because of a little wunderlust, you also don't want to stay in a stale loveless relationship either.  Sorry for not being more helpfull but the answers you seek are truly within YOUR heart.

  Good luck

The less my SO and I see each other, the better we get along.  After a couple years apart, I've grown fonder of her.  

However, when we're together a lot, I find that it's exactly as you describe Mara: low tolerance for her voice, smell, presence, etc.  In my SO's case, objectively, she's quite attractive.  But in proximity, due to dishonesty, I'm repulsed.  I've decided she was raised from birth to lie at every opportunity.  This habit effectively robs every drop of sex appeal from her, at least for me.  

Some of the lies are so transparent, a houseplant could see right through them.  I'm often astonished, frankly, at the whoppers that are passed off as truth.  Other than its being a habit from early childhood, I've never understood why there's so much lying.  I just know it's a hard habit to break.  I also know it's hard to love someone who is inherently untrustworthy.

Of course, we've discussed this and she always promises not to lie anymore...




-- Modified on 12/16/2003 6:02:34 AM

To Anya... excellent suggestion. Thinking back on what I fell in love with. Definitely helps to keep things in perspective.

To YourKarma... Choosing wisely, well, I guess that's the tough part; because your right, once you blow it, game over... as in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
  Stale - possibly.
  Loveless - not really.
  Wunderlust - Could be.
  Sexually attracted to her - less and less

Like I said, I feel more and more the love for her is like love for a sister... in other words I love her, but I don't desire to jump her bones. Is that wunderlust?

or i should say she with you i guess ... remember, the only true test of "love" is if she refuses your money, but even then she could have ulterior motives

Singleton, this thread was regarding my SO (wife), not my ATF. That's an entirely different topic, although somewhat related.

U_Cum_1st .......You go on and on how much your SO lies , even since Childhood . Meaning you knew this about her and it bothers you . Heck , It would bother me too , I couldn't live with someone who lies ..............so may I ask why did you marry her in the first place ?? If you don't want to answer me , I understand , I was just wondering ?

"To this day I can not understand how couples can claim to be in love and have no sexual attraction to eachother? How can 2 people sleep together and not want to caress eachother and play and let themselves be intimate............

I am so with you on that !! Your story applies to me too

Many married guys complain to me how unhappy they are with their lives .

One guy said to me he would love to divorce his wife because they have grown so apart and of course he gets zero sex , and he  just isn't happy .

When I asked him -  why don't you  divorce  ???
he said - well I will lose my million dollar house .
I said - what do you mean you will lose your home .
He said- well she will get half of the house so I will have to move to a half million dollar house .
My answer - So don't you prefer to live HAPPY in a half million dollar home rather then UNHAPPY in a million dollar home ??

Hmmmmm , I guess something to think about .

Interesting suggestion Jackson... thank you. That exact scenario is happening this Friday, so we'll see what happens.

Mara, I guess I'm not totally surprised by your response, but perhaps I should phrase the issue a little differently. I should have said that she would probably choose a conservative Christian lifestyle, over a more adventurous lifestyle with me. Don't get me wrong, I believe in God and Jesus too... but I guess I've grown to not take things too literally and certainly not to use God, or more accurately a religion, as an excuse.

I feel there are many thousands of people out there, probably more, who use God as an excuse out of fear of the unknown and lack of confidence. Granted, there are times in our lives when we need that, but that's off topic.

For example, my wife would simply refuse to participate in a 3-some, or go to a swingers party because it's not a "Christian" activity. Thus, she would choose religion over what I need sexually. In contrast, the few swinger couples I know are the most loving and respectful people I can think of. They love each other so much, they are free to explore whatever turns them on because they know who they'll be waking up next to in the morning.

She was one of the nicest people I'd ever known.  At 28, she was (and remains at 44) very beautiful.  

Deceitful, either in a sly and calculated way or spontaneously on the spur of the moment.  Never lies to women though, as far as I know, only men.  

Uses the word “hate” to describe feelings towards her Dad, brother, uncle (abuse), supervisor, divorce attorney and, of course, me.  Nothing personal, mind you.  Just that men are bad and women are good.  Common knowledge in her family...

See why I find providers so refershing?

Ok,
well looking at how you responded to what was posted, it sounds like you are already gone.

Relationships are about compromise and it doesn't sound like you are willing to compromise what you want and value enough to stay in the marriage.  I don't know if the wanderlust ever really goes away.  Sounds like you both might be more content with someone else.  Unfortunately there is no way to really know without actually doing it.

Really this is your decision,  you can never give someone enough information to make the decision for you so maybe the best thing to do is sit down with your wife, tell her how you are feeling and see what she has to say.

There is no one simple answer.

It was described to me as over when you decide that you no longer want to work at it. Now be cautious, this is not meant to free you. I think what this means, is that when you give up on yourself, you are done.

It seems that so many people are quick to blame their SO for crap that they need to fix inside themselves. How many people can say, after the hurt and anger has settled down, that they can blame everything on their SO?

I say; if you think it is over, and you are stuck on that thought, leave.

You are more apt to do something that will hurt them more than just leaving. Plus you are probably preventing them from being happy with someone else.

Yikes dude... your wife makes my issues seem trivial.  Although I'd have to say, your situation would make my decision very easy. I could not tolerate that for any length of time.

My issues have to do mainly with me.

Your wife is one of the nicest people you have ever known ??

If someone always lies about things , does that make them nice people ?? Nice people don't lie


Just because someone looks good doesn't mean you should marry them ........now I am not trying to criticize you I am just using you  ( can I use you baby  LOL LOL ) as an example how people get married for all the wrong reasons .......then they wonder why they are not happy .


Now don't get me wrong we all make our mistakes ......... I too once was married for all the wrong reasons.  I lost my family and thought I was suppose to marry so I could build a family of my own. Not really realizing this man isn't the type of man I want to spend the rest of my life with ( well who wants to live with a control freak physco lazy bum LOL LOL   But I didn't see those things at the time .......but when I did figure it out , I corrected my mistake and divorced ....... I wasn't going to live the rest of my life unhappy .


Since then never remarried . Many ask me how come  ??? your smart and pretty .......well smart and pretty doesn't mean you have to be married .......... yeah plenty who would like to marry me , but until I find that one who I could truly put up with day and night ( and no he doesn't have to be perfect we all have our faults ) I won't marry just to be married , or because someone is good looking or because someone has money .


Yes I can see why you find providers refreshing WOW your wife has serious issues about men . She should seek some help to overcome . I think it is sad for her if she feels like that  .....that all men are bad , how sad  ;-(  so not true .

There are bad and good in both sexes , just as there are good and bad in all cultures and people .


I can just picture your wife getting upset about something and yelling - I HATE YOU ........( does this happen )
I would say in a calm voice  - well then leave if you hate me , why are you still  here ??

More power to you man , if you are willing to put up with that .God Bless You xoxo CindySpice

-- Modified on 12/17/2003 10:59:09 AM

Low mileage.  High maintenance.

Unless your marriage is nothing but fights or there's abuse involved I'd be careful about moving out of it.

A happy marriage and the hobby are not incompatible.  I asked a question a couple of months ago about happily married hobbyst's and received a ton of replies.  In some EU (and other) countries it is acceptable to for married men to have paramours and often their wives know about them.  Throughout most of our history on this earth it was common for men to have either multiple wives, wives and paramours (sometimes concubines), or a combination.  You aren't the first guy to experience some wonderlust and you won't be the last.

There is not a soul on this earth that once you married her would alleviate your wonderlust.  It will always be there.  You will always look at other women, think about them, and want to hold, kiss, and bed them.  Engaging in the hobby is in NO WAY a sign that you are falling out of love with your SO.  

As to any other feelings I'd first chalk them up to a phase - every relationship goes through them.  Sometimes you can work through them yourself, sometimes with your SO, and sometimes you may need to get a councelor involved.  Though I haven't done a survey on this (yet), just based on reading posts on forums and talking with people I think that the happiest are those who worked through issues and stayed with their wife.  Of those who got divorced/seperated, far more seem less happy than happier.

Good Luck,

JTH

Thank you for your sound advice JTH.