I have been a TER member for a couple of months.  I am middle aged, in the middle of a divorce, thinking of breaking my 6-month fast with a professional.  You see, a girlfriend is out of the question since I am in an ugly custody battle and any outside relationship could be used against me.  So, as I contemplate trying the "hobby", here's my question:

 Much has been said about health risks.... I think I can calculate those, be cautious, and find a comfort level for myself.  But what are the risks of falling in love with a pro, or for that matter, feeling blue about having to pay for what you used to get free and presumably from the heart?  I'd especially like to hear from "newbies" since they will have fresh memories, but all feedback would be greatly appreciated.

There is no doubt you can become very fond of the true GFE types. But just remember it is a market transaction!

As a newbie, I can relate.  My lawyer warned against having a public relationship before the divorce was final, but divorces sometimes take a while.  I said what the heck, began a relationship, the ex brought it to the judge, and the judge responded:  doesn't really have an impact on the case.  Laws may be different in your state.

Emotional attachment with provider?  Some risk, but my experience (2 dates, 1 girl) is that she doesn't want you to get attached, just wants you to enjoy yourself.  Under the circumstances you describe, sounds like the right way to go.  Good luck.

-- Modified on 8/8/2002 4:15:26 AM

that you might fall for someone on the rebound. Providers make this very easy to do and you could mistake their kindness, affection and intimacy for real love.

By all means, go enjoy yourself but remember, for the most part, it's just a job for the provider.

As far as "paying for what you used to get for free", are you kidding!? How much is this divorce costing you, emotionally as well as financially?  Nothing in life is free.

Feel blue about it.

Just for a minute, try, to look beyond the silly crap that society tries to pound into our skulls, (the AMERICAN society that is!) and look at what you are thinking of doing.

You are under a great deal of stress, you are emotionally bereft and in need of comfort, and probably sexually needy as well, and you are considering going to a professional who can fulfill all of these needs for you.

Now this is a bad thing HOW exactly????

I provide quality *companionship.*  It is not any one thing... it is many things, most of which start with an open, caring heart, and snuggly arms to hold you, that will leave you walking out relaxed and smiling.  There are many ladies like me across the country who'd be happy to help you out... (but please oh please do your research before you choose your lady!)

There is nothing wrong with what you are thinking about doing, what I do, or what we might do together.  How could something that leaves you smiling, relaxed, and feeling better about yourself and life in general, be a bad thing???? 'Cuz some idiotic right wing retard SAYS SO??? Please don't buy into that.

As for falling in love... I think that happens mostly if you see one lady over and over and over. Space things out and allow yourself a little variety and remember that this is all about context. The context of the provider/hobbyist relationship is what allows both of us to really relax and enjoy with no worries about *complications!*  

Be careful, be safe, and have fun. Life is for LIVING, and enjoying, so enjoy!!!!

Hugs*
Nicole

Be very cognizant of developing any emotional involvements.  Either you would put yourself in a position of being used, or you open up yourself to a life of immense complexity.  

Take the road as a pure path for physical enjoyment and pleasure. If you need something more, wait till your divorce is settled, then find a girl friend ...

i am not going through a divorce, but have still developed emotional attachments to specific providers.

mostly these involve fantasizing about the minx in the few days after the encounter: becoming her friend, helping her out, becoming so close to her that she does special sexual things for me (don't ask), becoming so good to her that she thinks about me when i'm not there, making her cum, making her cum when i cum, making her feel sex pleasure like no man ever has before, using the time for more intense sex antics ... you know, it's pretty juvenile stuff.

but that's the extent of it, and the fantasies go away after a day or two. i think they arise because the sex encounter is in some ways frustrating ... the same way you might fantasize about a confrontation with a boss, or a coworker, after a frustrating meeting. with "the hobby," money, time and other clients are the frustrations your fantasies chew on (you want her free, all the time, and to yourself). it's hard on men to get really turned on by a gorgeous woman, and then, hey, time to go.

don't worry about becoming emotionally attached. start drooling around, or calling and leaving inane messages, or hanging around after your time is up, or getting too intense or demanding emotionally, and you may get an unpleasant surprise. like, no more appointments.

try starting with a full body sensual massage (fbsm), which at its best includes a great massage, mutual touching, and a safe and thrilling handjob in a very explicitly choreographed hour on a small table. it's relatively cheap, so you can try two or three different providers to check your emotional reaction (and also, your ability to pick providers that please you -- no easy feat!). providers that say "cmt," "no sex," and that work off a professional massage table stick to the script.

the full service encounter can be confusing because it is potentially much more intense, free flowing, and involves the kind of kissing and sexual contact that you normally experience in very intimate relationships. the intimacy, combined with the time restrictions and the control the minx has to impose to keep it safe for both of you, can make it confusing to your heart. you can cure that, though: stop seeing the lady, and find another, fast.

-- Modified on 8/7/2002 11:03:18 PM

I have a friend who married the first and only woman he ever dated.  They got divorced after 30 years, andless than a year later he married the second woman he ever dated (the guy is 56 y.o.).

You are in a very vulnerable emotional state right now and need to find out who you are after the dust has settled from your divorce.  It's tempting after a painful divorce (and the difficult years that usually precede it) to fall for the first woman that smiles at you and shows a little kindness.  But you've got to get your head on straight so you don't make a foolish mistake during the period of your greatest emotional stress.  

It may seem like it will never end, but eventually your life will get back to normal and you'll have a chance to re-think who you are and what you're looking for in a relationship.  If it's been a while, chances are you've changed a lot since the last time you dated.

In the meantime, seeing a provider can help with the healing process- just don't fall in love.  I suggest you see many different ladies in the next 6 months to make sure you don't get all puppy-eyed over the first woman that doesn't yell at you.  That's what my buddy did, and he is no better off today than he was with wife number one.

The saying is "Live and learn" NOT  "Live and make the same mistake over again a year later".  Good luck.

The risk is high that both of you could fall in love, But the end result is that you will break her heart and not her breaking your once you become free of your marriage.

This biz that we ladies choose to enjoy sooooooo much is a danger zone when it comes to Love. Take your time and enjoy life being single. This is a business for us and we must run it in a professional manner.



-- Modified on 8/8/2002 12:57:05 AM

I refer to it as an “emotional hangover”.  After a special encounter, I have to make sure I don’t have anything important planned at work the next day, so I can get my head (and heart) on straight.

Personally, I had a hard time becoming so intimate with a woman, and sharing all that is shared during our time together, and then walking away from the encounter like I never met her. That was definitely a dynamic to the relationship I had to get used to. Some involved in this “hobby” (I so dislike that term) are here for many different reasons. Many like the one-hour, do the deed with a different lady and be gone experience. That’s OK for them, not knocking it.

I personally like getting to know the woman all over. The romance, the kissing, the touching, the intimacy, four hours of foreplay suits me just fine. The journey is why I am in this, not the destination. Having found this with a lady here, and even after admitting to her my greatest fear, was to fall in love with her, I decided a little emotional distress was worth the price to pay, for what creates for me, such an extraordinary experience.

Hey, there are guys out there getting off by having women kick them repeatedly in the groin, I figured I’m not that crazy for putting myself though a couple of days of emotional confusion!

You do have to realize that the perfect GFE is part of a fantasy world, not reality. Know the difference and you can really meet some great women, and have some fun.

You also know yourself better than anyone, and whether or not you may become easily attached. FBSM may be the safest choice for you considering what you are going through at this time.

As far as feeling blue about “having to pay for what you used to get free” Some of the greatest things in life they say are free…and some aren’t.

Good luck,

CI    

Thanks for your feedback.  Actually I have no problem with deciding the "good / bad" issue.  I am a libertarian and totally non-religious.  I resent the religious right's attempts to lock up innocent people as much as you do.  Thanks again for your feedback.

Thanks for the response.  Do you get to see your kids much now?  I am spending a fortune just to try to get a decree giving me 50/50 time with my kids.  You can reply to my TER mailbox if you want. This is probably not the right place for a discussion about custody.

IMO, it depends on you. I was ripe for companionship after my divorce. I got so suckered by a blonde b....ch who lied and baited and switched me. I got f...ed but didn't even get a kiss.

Even if you find a discrete provider (most I've met in 18 months strike me as such, but I'm already divorced and retired), if wifey or attorney get wind, you could be in deep doo doo.

If you still want to go through with it ???, stick with well-established INDEPENDANTS (IMO) not agencies. I'd expect the ones I've met are more inclined to be discreet.

I have considered the massage, but find that there are no pics displayed for any of these, and that leads me to believe the women are somewhat less attractive than escorts.  Any tips for finding quality massage?

Thanks for the feedback.  I can't find much info, especially pictures, of masseuses.  Do you just show up and hope the provider is attractive?

Very well said, Nicole.  I started this "hobby" 3 years ago, after the death of my wife.  I wasn't then, and am still not interested in traditional dating.  But I still require companionship and physical contact.  This hobby has been good to me.  Like Nicole says, do your homework and be careful, and it will reward you as well.  If you can tell us where you live perhaps I or some other member can point you to the right type of provider.  

And Nicole, I happen to have an appointment with you next week.  Based on this post of yours I'm looking forward even more to meeting you.  Good luck, praiaman!

F.

It is draining to go through divorse.
Just remember, what got you there in the first place.
Make sure you get an independent lady and check out her reviews (this is one of the greatest websites i have visited).
About falling in love, there is a thin line between sex and love, but if you remind your self that you are looking for companionship and some intense fun, love will be left last.
I am sure you have lots of headaches due to the process of divorse. Don't get any more stress by thinking about love.
Let it go for now and enjoy life while you can!!.
And remember you are the owner of your destiny and ultimately you are the owner of your soul.
Good luck and welcome to life.

that was one of the nicest posts i have ever read. you made me cry.

it's the last reel, and the ashcroft legal juggernaut has you in the witness box, and you (ashley judd) are being cross examined by your crusty lawyer (morgan freeman), and you give that speech ... acquittal!

it is so hard to cut through the bullshit, and feel life with our bones and heart, and you are right, that's exactly what it's all about. you rock.

It's become a fairly long thread (which perhaps is a good thing) & because of that I can't remember all the responses you've received...so if I might, let me offer an observation independent of whether or not someone else has said it previously.

Regardless of whether your contact comes with a "civilan" woman or with a provider (whether on an MP or GFE type level, & realizing that both are quite different)-is at this time not the most imporatant issue.  As I suspect you already know, the thing you must guard against the most (financial & custody issue aside) is your own emotions.  You are at this time in one of the situations in life that leaves you in a positon as vulnerable as you can ever find youself.  It's vital that you recognize this..if not you might be an accident waiting to happen.

Women, regardless of their profession, are wonderful creatures.  One of their most amazing qualities seems to be an instinct for nuturing, which in general we men are lacking, & compassion on a very personal level.  This is exactly what you probably need at the moment...& if you were in my area I could tell you several who I'm pretty sure would give you exactly that.  But regardless of your locale, I'm also sure there are others close to you.

But the real key is for you not to mistake the caring, which may well be genuine, for more than it is.  Someone else mentioned "rebound" & I can't think of a another simple phrase which is so brief & at the same time so well understood.  The most important thing is for you to not forget...easy to say, harder to do...exactly where you're at emotionally & the dangers that places you in.  The dangers come from within yourself & not from others.



   

you're right, the pix and personal info about massage providers are usually less revealing of their face or standing figure. the pix about escorts are usually revealing, but often are old by five years or so. in some cases, i discovered that the pictures didn't do the woman justice.

even so, get all the info you can, and then take your best shot. there is an inexplicable and unpredictable element of luck in all this ... you are meeting a total stranger and within a half hour or less will be in a powerful, intimate encounter with her. hard to predict how that will turn out!

my very first encounter was with an older woman in a massage parlor whose photo i had never seen; no way i would have picked her. but she damn well showed me what spanking the monkey was all about. one of my most nuturing and positive relationships was another almost blind date.

then there were women i thought looked incredibly hot in their pictures but i never got around to calling them ... and after i subscribed to ter i discovered several had poor reviews. there was no real reason why i never hooked up with them, except a kind of luck.

some massage providers are the most gorgeous women you'll ever met -- the ter reviews will make this very explicit. but you also have to discover your own "type." the variety of women or transsexuals and the possible encounters with them is very large. try at least three before you judge.

earlier today my atf was explaining the different ways that men behave toward her, and how they change as they get to know her ... it was funny, because i could see myself in the descriptions. at first you may be apprehensive and naive and unable to say what you want or how you feel, or you may act in ways you feel a little ashamed of. that passes.

keep your eye on whatever is your deepest link to her, and lead with your trust. she's the designated driver. find a genuinely good and sexy person, take good care of her, really talk to her, and tell her your heart. everything else flows from there.

Just a few thoughts about the thread so far...
  you need to experiment a bit to find what you want at this time. you didn't indicate whether your lawyer cautioned you against a relationship, etc., but it may be that a relationship wouldn't count against you. No one expects indefinite celibacy these days and sometimes divorces DO carry on for some time. If you do hobby and are caught it would work against you even more than dating. A good friend hired a PI to follow her husband after she took him back, only to find he was once again shagging his girl friend. that's gonna hurt!
    that said, my sense is that the intense emotion we feel for providers at times is more like infatuation than a profound emotional attachment. the exchange of $$$ has a way of bringing me back to the reality of the situation. you are probably more likely to fall in love with a date than a provider, especially if what you get is "free and presumably from the heart". this is a great time to find out a lot about yourself and what you might like in a future relationship. don't rush into something without learning the lessons of the present.
    i like the fbsm concept. my sense is that those that advertise on services like eros or cityguide are probably in the upper tier, with physical attractiveness at least as good as the average fs provider, after all, they are NOT putting out and are still making a living...
    good luck, good hunting, be careful!

Soo true Nicole, ya know that happened to me with a lady. Will take a LONG time to get over it. But, I did learn one lesson, take breaks between seeing a lady no matter how great she is.. Be safe, be well... Chuck

You won't fall in love after seeing a provider once - but if you click you will learn a lot about "love". No doubt, you are older and wiser than you were when you first fell in "love" with your wife. It's amazing how easy it is to get a lot of that feeling when you see a skilled and sensitive provider, yet you can walk away because it is a financial arrangement. Then you will understand that the institution of marriage is mostly a fairy tale, and it really WAS lust that attracted you to it.

I suppose you could become obsessed (in love?) with a provider if you saw her frequently, but that's easy to avoid with all the choices out there.

As far as the weirdness of having to "pay for it"... Think of it as being taken care of by a professional. Just like paying for good food and service in a restaurant, or paying an expert mechanic to fix your engine (pun intended). This is NOTHING like being treated to PROFESSIONAL sex!

I meant "There is NOTHING like being treated to PROFESSIONAL sex!"

-- Modified on 8/9/2002 10:39:51 PM

Thanks to everyone who responded to the original post. I find myself in an uncomfortable position regarding my ATF right now. I've been seeing her for over two years now and every time is just like the first. She's smart, funny, sexy, beautiful, classy...I could go on and on. Basically unlike any provider I've ever known in my fifteen years of hobbying and I find myself longing for her when I'm not with her. I'll use the feedback that you folks provided here to deal with the situation. Doubt I'm gonna win the lottery so I don't think it's gonna happen between she and I. Thanks again!

Having been with so-called professional sex providers, I'll say there are charlatans to be avoided. I stick with established independants.

Ever hear of a 'professional money manager'. Buys stocks like Enron, Dynegy, Worldcom.

True, just cuz they charge, don't make 'em a professional. This is the case is individuals in any profession.

By "professional" I was referring to the earlier reference in my post to a "skilled and sensitive provider".