Don't think about getting the itch for now concentrate on your new wife scratching.

Hi all,

The past couple of years has been an interesting and thrill-filled ride. I started off humbly enough on the "back pages" and worked my way up to seeing some local legends. I've come pretty close to finishing off my within-possibility bucket list (of course, I'd love to have a 3 hour threesome with my two favorite porn stars, but I just don't see that one happening...haha).

So one of my new year's resolutions is to get out for a long while (if not permanently) for the sake of my impending marriage. This is a great hobby and of course I'd like to stay, but I think it's time for a break.

I know I may be asking in the wrong place, but I know someone knows someone who's taken a break or know of people who've called it quits. How did they do it? Any tips for fighting that occasional itch? Besides the typical willpower, fear of being caught, etc etc. Of course I need that stuff too, but when all else fails and the other brain is trying to take over?

Thanks

love the one you are with.

Are you planning anything special for your bachelor party?

Congrats on getting married.  Just remember what Oscar Wilde said, "The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties."

It is but natural to feel the itch to fuck beautiful women.  Monogamy is unnatural. Now, I am not saying that there are no monogamous couples, but deep inside they still crave for sex with others. Forced monogamy just makes you miserable.

So you have two options my friend...

A. Be prepared to spend rest of your life miserable

OR...

B. Learn to live with the fact that you are going to feel the urge to fuck other women, and when you do it, do it safely and securely.

You are better off in this hobby than having an affair with a civvie.  Good luck taming the beast...

If I do ever get married, I will do so with full knowledge that in a few weeks I will be back hobbying.

Let's see, you didn't quit when you met her or when you first had sex with her or when you decided to propose to her  or when she accepted.....but now? Do you think the ceremony is going to make you (or her) different? Want to wish you all the best, but.....

Don't do it.

Your wife is one lucky Lady ...

can't do something, means you can't either. It is bs. Of course there will always be temptation but what stops you from shooting the guy who cut you off in traffic? What stops you from beating the hell out of the bad kid who ran up your credit cards? What about that boss you would love to kick in the ass? It's called SELF control, and only YOU can not do something. BTW, the best way to get your mind off of yourSELF is to do something for someone else. When you feel the urge to self gratify, go out and do something for a person who is less fortunate. Maybe send kind words to another marriage that is in despair. You reap what you sow.

-- Modified on 12/2/2012 7:45:53 PM

Exactly !!!

Do something for someone else...

Go to ATM. Get a few hundred bucks and go see a provider. Your money will help her pay her bills and put food on table..

See ...Problem solved...

unless you have agreed upon an "open" marriage.Otherwise, what's the point?

I think it's natural for men like us to want to be with beautiful women. We can't fight our nature --- so go with it.  As with any marriage, you will have problems and challenges with your wife sooner or later - it's not going to be rosy all the time.   And when your wife suddenly says "no, let's not have sex, I'm tired or I'm working.  No, I'm sleeping, or I have an early day tomorrow".  Your break from the hobby will end, and you'll want to find those beautiful women again.

I have taken a few years break from the hobby (about 4 years straight).  The initial break was difficult, but a few years break is possible because I had done it. I was focused on a business, which also preoccupied my time anyway.  But suddenly, a very close relative died, and it made me realize that life is just too short as we all will die someday (sooner or later), and it was time to get back to the hobby and enjoy the beautiful ladies again.

Hi guys. I'm the SO reading this to my husband. He's got something to add...
You're going to ruin Her life. It's easy now to walk away but once you are married it's going to be so hard and so complicated. You have a chance now to make things right and not ruin her life. I doubt she signed on for this lifestyle. Maybe she would agree to let you see providers like my lovely wife but I doubt it. I don't see you taking my advice but two years down the road you'll wish you had. Best of luck to you.

in the Victorian Era when one who's initials are Oscar Wilde was gay.  I don't think that our soon departing hobbyist is headed to that arrangement.  O.W. is dead?    

-- Modified on 12/2/2012 9:34:54 PM

but face it man.  Guys look us can do just one.  

Do what I did get a therapist and try to work thru it so you get to some level of acceptance.

Visiting Providers has kept my marriage happy.  Go figure.

I have no simple answers, except to say that this board may not be a good place to look for one.  If they ask the question at all but are here, it means they have not found an answer that works for them yet.

Still, some here will at least understand the question in a non judgmental manner.

My only advice is to try to figure what need or needs you have that are not being met by your wife.  And I don't buy Curly's basic biology answer , but he's entitled.

If you can come up with an answer, she may be able to meet them if you can talk to her about it. (I do know of of one couple where she would buy a different new wig once a month,  he would then pick her up in a bar, and...definitely hokey, but the last I heard, variations on the role playing theme still seemed to be working for them).

If you cannot come up with an unmet need, you may just be a creature of habit and you own self conditioning.  For me, such a realization is almost an admission of lazininess and would maybe be (is?) a motivation to stop or not restart.

In short, don't start with the "why not", but with the "why?"

In any event, congratulations, and best of luck to both of you.

And a tip - trying to be a "better" person is great, but expecting yourself to be perfect (by whatever your own standards are) is generally a bad idea, unless you have low standards.

Granted, my two SO's and I are polyamorous, so we can be with whomever we want (in a romantic sense).

But you negative nancy's telling him how he will be back here and how his marriage will grow stale....In my age group, we refer to people like you as "Haters". We then advise you to stop drinking the Haterade and raining on other people's parades.

My two grandmothers have been together for 48 years. No cheating. My mother has never been cheated on. Some people are just better at controlling urges than others. I have desires to seduce every handsome man I see..but unless I talk about it with my SO's, I keep deliciously lacy panties ON.

For the married men here who like breaking their vows, good for you. Now, let's move past our own failings and encourage this young man to do the right thing. It seems like he wants to.

I'm growing out of it, the older I get the less jaded I feel.

Sometimes the younger generations mistake honesty, reality, and probability for hating.

Don't get me wrong, there are some genuine haters out there. Who hate with an extreme passion. They just hate to face reality.

Well, your loveless sexless marriages have not been the reality in my life, growing up. I wasn't born jaded and work hard to stay that way. I was lucky to be surrounded in a sex positive, love positive environment. So, I see the "realistic" view here as negative. Is a board of 70% cheaters an accurate view of "reality"? I don't think so.

How can "younger" generations mistake "honesty" here. This is not the place for honesty. Or TER would not exist the way it does.

~Rose

I'm in a terrible mood tonight, and am no mood for the justifications of bad behavior with excuses like "reality" and "probability". Plenty of women and men do not cheat and live happy and fulfilling lives.

If you really feel the need to have sex with so many women, then get an open marriage. Don't marry someone who didn't agree to that and do it anyways. I know I like being able to love whoever I want, so I chose a man who was polyamorous like myself. Not one who was mono, and then snuck around.

But that is neither here nor there. This young(?) man is getting married and wants to try and get his act together. Supporting him in that endeavor would be nice, I think.

~Rose

We are just telling him what is inevitable. Either live miserable or play with lots of women and be happy.  Its just jumping off the building you see..You can wish a person all well you want, but laws of physics are going to take effect no matter what.

And how do you know that your grandmas have never been cheated on? How can you prove negative ? See you are a kid..Why don't you go to the mall and movies with kids of your age.. May be take prepkid with you.

Come back here in another 4-5 years when you have more life experience.  Some of us have lived more life than you, and there is nothing that substitutes experience - especially your own experience.

So there you go kiddo..Go to the new Hobbit movie that's coming out..

See ya in few years !!!

Who is trying to appeal to anyone here?
I'm sorry cynicism and deception doesn't make me lubricate.

Because I'm going to base my worldview on relationships from a fk board. Ha!
I must have hit a nerve to get such a butt-hurt, immature response.
Reading these posts, no wonder your marriages are miserable....
I'm more of an adult than you'll ever be because I have the courage and be honest to myself and those around me. I'm mature enough to know one person isn't enough for me, and adjust my life accordingly. The person making you miserable...is yourself. I would say "come back in years" but you probably won't change.

You talk about doing the right thing.  You're suppose to be so smart and educated, how do you decide what is always the right thing.  I'd like to know.  I spent years studying philosophy. Trying to find formulas for morality was what most of the philosophers did, but it just seemed to me judging wasn't the right thing.


I'm really interested about your two grandmothers who were together for 48 years.  With whom would they cheat and on whom?

You remind me of those mouthy little kids from State Farm commercials with Aaron Rodgers running their mouth. You are just an adult version of that. You got your ass handed back to you on that Giesha vs Escort crap you posted, and now all of a sudden you think you are some sort of marriage counselor.

People get married for various reasons and everything is not all that black and white.. There is lot of gray.  So all my friends who want to married for social reasons, or reasons like having kids, and still want to get some pussy on the side have my full sympathy.

You seem to have a very binary view of life. Life is not like that. It is but natural for a 19 yr old to have that, but in a few years you will realize that you were just a snotty little kid.

As far as my marriage is concerned, I made it clear that I was single in my original post, and if you follow the boards regularly, I have made this point more than once.

-- Modified on 12/3/2012 8:46:52 AM

Many of the folks here are jaded, because they have tried and failed so many times that they accept it as a way of life, but in reality it's no different than any other habit or desire.

You can't just stop hobbying, you need to do that and start something else, or else you will have a void that will naturally want to be filled.  For example, lets say that you want to stop eating chocolate.  Is it best to simply quit and change no other behaviors, or might it be better to quit and replace eating chocolate with something else.  Some guys would tell you to masturbate a whole lot more and that will take the urge and edge away, but that's kind of like eating Carob.  It's a poor replacement and is unsatisfying at the end of the day.

Rather focus on the love of your life.  Spend the time you would spend planning a date with a provider and surfing websites (including this one) figuring out ways to honor her and show her you love her. Get creative, and don't ever stop trying to impress her  Become as obsessed with making her your top priority as you have been obsessed about sleeping with 'local legends' and getting them to like you.  As LR pointed out, they are really not that into you anyway, so by redirecting this energy to a real life relationship, you will find your experiences much more rewarding.

Look for fulfillment exclusively in your real life relationship, and where it's not there, then make the effort to find it or create it.  This means stop texting, PMing and emailing providers 'just to talk or catch up', because the next thing you know you'll be catching up at her incall.  Real life relationships are the hardest work you will ever do, but are the most rewarding experiences you will ever have.  If you truly love her, don't fuck this up.  

Finally if you are really serious about no coming back to the hobby, get an accountability partner (ideally you wife) and come clean about what you did before you were married.  Tell her that you don't ever want to do it again and ask her to help you be accountable.  (at this point 95% of the posters are loading up their flamethrowers, but IMHO this is the best way to steer clear of the hobby in the future)

This is where we separate the men from the boys.  If you are serious, you will do everything you can to make it so you don't have the opportunity to revisit this life, if you are just talking, then you'll stop for a few months or even a year or two and will be back with a vengeance the next time around. How do I know, because I'm one of the boys that has stopped and started several times and I keep coming back for more.  I adore my SO, but I also adore a number of other ladies as well, and am not ready to take the step that you are.  When I am, I know exactly what I need to do to be sure I'm never back again.

Good luck bro.

which is why I must chuckle when people seem to freak out over the fact that I would never DATE a damn hobbyist lol. Once a guy knows about this life and just how easy it is to get sex on demand, he is not likely to ever totally stop. Oh sure, maybe for a while when he has a "new" love, but that first argument or drama filled day, he finds himself right back here doing it the EASY way. Not 'all' men are that way of course, but I would venture to say quite a few. There are guys here who have admitted they would not cheat if they were getting it at home, and who am I to say they are full of shit. Every man is different.

what do you think the common addiction or self gratifying trait would be? Duh lol. Of course people on a fk board can't possibly fathom anyone NOT cheating because they are all doing it. It is no different than any other thing people use to get pleasure from. I know this is hard to believe but not all people are focused on sex every day, all day of their existence. OMG, they actually think about other things that are more important. I know men who are so focused on their careers, that getting laid once every few months is all they need, and that is all it is. Then you have people who are addicted to drugs, and that is all they think about.

When you tell another person they 'can't do something' it is only because you're projecting what 'you' can't do. I have had people say the same things about monogamy to me. Because they were cheated on, I must realize it will happen to me. Because they could not be faithful to a mate and be happy, I can't either. I think most of it is bs. WE can do whatever it is we DECIDE to do if we live by decision and not emotion..that's a fact. Some people have obviously managed to do this.

Good points except the one about telling his soon to be wife.  Would you really want your first real hurdle as a married couple to be this?

If you don't stray back into the hobby, then I don't see why she needs to know.  I knew a couple who promised "no secrets" when they got married.  Lasted less than a year.  LOL.  

It's OK to keep some things from your wife or SO IMO if they would cause more harm than good and aren't going to be a part of your life moving forward.

I don't need to know if he screwed around maybe twice a year, but if he were active in this lifestyle like I am, I would certainly want to know about it. I would imagine me not telling a future mate I was a hooker, would be a big deal as well.

I was pointing out how loseley the term 'hater" gets thrown around.

Mostly when that term gets atached to some one elses opposing views.

My response didn't really have anything to do with this thread, just the term haters.


hater  
  ( haters    plural   If you call someone a hater of something, you mean that they strongly dislike that thing.

I'm sure most couples had the "Who did you sleep with?" conversation before they got married.  This is a variation on that conversation.  She might be surprised by it and possible disappointed, but would appreciate knowing before they get married, and it would raise the level of trust in the marriage (especially if he went the accountability route).

I'm not saying it's ideal or an easy conversation, but if he is really concerned about going back to the hobby, I can't think of a better hobby retardant.  There are going to be much worse hurdles in the marriage than this conversation, and if you can't have this conversation, it's not like they get easier. The vast majority (present company included) would opt for omission, but if you can't be honest before you get married, then it's not going to be any easier after you say I do.

Dr. Phil has left the building...

Again, I am not suggesting we need to know every single person or sexual act our mate has engaged in, but a LIFESTYLE is a big thing to just omit. That is not a one time or a few times, but something a person was actively engaged in for several years...yes, I would like to know, because I would not marry that person. I know many guys who would never marry me knowing I was once a hooker, but it is not fair for me to take away that choice by lying about what I did.

Take a look around. You wanna hang out with these morons forever?

You're beginning to sound like Goldie       with a vocabulary

like to go out and get sex with another woman even if I were getting it at home.. Desire to sleep with different women is at natural as wanting to eat different kind of food every day.. Do you eat the same food every day? I hope not... Its the same way.. I mean don't you get tired of same pussy over and over again no matter how good it is. I think I would..

Now, whether to resort to prostitution or not is individual choice. If someone is really good looking, athletic, professionally successful, powerful (as in influential) etc they get pussy in civvie life. But most people aren't.  And even if they are all of the above, hobbying allows them to get pussy within hours notice...So why not....

First congradulations.
Second...  most people have a past.  No reason to divulge much of it unless you choose to.  "I've had GFs before" Maybe even "a lot of GFs".  You never need to say just how long they were your GFs for.
There is something I'd do differently.  Guys need sex.  Plenty of it.  Guys hobby because wives decide they don't care to having got the guy to marry her and/or gotten her baby.  Most women do not get it.  The way to keep a guy home is to keep him satisfied.  
There are some who like variety...  no cure for that...  but I for one would hang up the hobby IF I got it at home.  I don't know what the percentage is & this is not a true cross section here.  
The only way to restore a sex life is to never let it slip in the first place.  

Best Wishes,
HV

Hey folks,

Reading all your comments was quite interesting, if not a bit depressing. I'm shocked by all the cynicism. I'm under no illusion that it's easy, but it's certainly possible.

That said, thanks to all the well-wishers and to those who had supportive things to say, either here or on PM.

Anyway thanks for all the love ladies and thanks for the advice.

Have fun, stay safe, and try not to go broke.

I have to disagree with HVAC here. When I began hobbying almost four years ago, I told myself that I would stop the minute my wife began providing a reasonable sex life again. And for the past several months, she has been doing just that.

But, now that it comes down to it, I can't see myself stopping. I've gotten accustomed to having sex with women who are more attractive and skilled than the SO. Besides the physical pleasure, I also like the anticipation of seeing a new lady for the first time, and frankly, I enjoy the inherent risk involved in hobbying (e.g. LE, wife finding out.) I also like naughty thrill of getting away with it time after time.

Thanks for the opportunity to explore a great P4P sex life, honey!

Of course, your wife would like to know, and in a good relationship one should be honest---but not about this--IT"S IN the PAST, LEAVE IT THERE.  

It is immoral.  You could have a criminal record.  You could be, you have been  exposed to HIV which you might not know about for years.-- the odds with all those nasty women.  If some of these things don't naturally go through her mind, her friends will remind her and what they think of you won't be so rosy either.

The first thing you do to cause the smallest possible suspicion is validated in your wife's mind.   " He has returned to habits he can't live without.  The WHORE MONGER"  Then the worry starts again, not just that your cheating on her.  It's you're not cheating with one woman.  Anywhere you go you can cheat.

Worst of all, the fear that every time she thinks or even suspects you cheated the fear of disease pops its ugly head and scares her and her protective nature over her children.  These are whores, they all carry disease of some kind could easily be her belief system.  "What kind of sick man hangs around these sick low life trash."  is a question you don't want anybody to ask.

This is better kept to yourself, especially, if you ever decide to quietly partake again.

-- Modified on 12/3/2012 3:58:04 PM

If I were trying to be faithful to my man and he was some aging, overweight guy would it make sense to always be drooling over young, hot guys with perfect bodies? If I knew I could fk them, my poor hubby would become less and less attractive. It's common sense really. If you WANT to be faithful, you have to do more than just 'try.' Not saying everyone does, but it takes work especially from a man's shoes.

Once some men open that door to this world, there is no going back. I guess "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave." Food for thought. Sometimes the things you do can't be undone, and you're in deeper than you thought.

-- Modified on 12/3/2012 9:01:04 PM

Your need to name call just makes you more immature than I.
Don't get upset with me because what you are doing is wrong.
Snotty = calling you out on your bs.

There isn't gray in this. I would never get married for "social" reasons because I don't give a damn what society things. I'll get married when I'm good and ready. Also, you're glazing over the fact that I am polyamorous, so I don't really have the inclination to cheat.

I didn't get anything handed back to me at all. Just upset idiots like you. Sorry if I run mental laps around you. I'll tire out, eventually. But you're old ass will be dead and gone by then.

~Rose

I'm sorry your life sucks.

It's just sad that people want to bash you, if you dare call them out for bad behavior.
I don't like getting called out, but I know when I'm wrong.
Sometimes I just wanna take some of the board members here, sit them in the corner and tell them "now sit here, and think about your life". Then I would set the kitchen timer for a half hour. I would come back after the tantrum was over.

But then you are denying her right to make a decision on whether she wants to stay with you or not.
If a man I see wants to sleep with providers, he should be allowed to. But I should be allowed to know so that I can leave if I'm not ok with that. So essentially, we are saying that he should be able to do what he wants, but not her?

You're one of the good ones. No one else here thinks like that.

I actually can't wait till my SO's get old. I wanna look up and see all the lines in SO1's face and the laugh wrinkles in SO2's face. And if they're still with me when I'm old, then I'll love them a lot (even though I'll still be hot because black don't crack, but that is neither here nor there).

SO2 told me that when we're old, he's going to have wrinkly old balls and we're going to have wrinkly sex. And I plan on doing all the sucking and fucking and licking just like I do not. Part of my job as a provider is to lick wrinkly parts. I assume it would be even better with someone I loved, especially when I'm all old and stuff too.
Some of you people are nuts. Even when I want to kill them, NO ONE is hotter than SO1 or SO2.

I hope the OP has a good marriage. I'm envious.

All I can say is that it's a choice you have to make.  Just like any addiction, because, yes, this is an addiction of sorts.

I know guys who spend money they shouldn't on this, and many guys have gone broke spending money on this hobby or some variation of this, be it a SD/SB relationship, a mistress relationship, etc.  It just usually ends up being an addiction that you feed because sex is one of the most innate drives we have as humans.

You just have to get up and decide not to do this.  It's a daily decision; it's a decision you have to make every single time if you really want to quit.  Same as quitting anything else, be it cigarettes, carbs, or gluten.  Or heroin or other narcotics.

Good luck.  That's all I can say to you.  I applaud you if you are doing this for something great.  Which you are.

I think we could keep the age comments on the side, however.

I know that age is a sore topic, so let's just leave that one on the sidelines.  Yes, it's true that China's experience is bound by her 19 years of age, and that Curly probably has a lot more absolute years of experience (and arguably more overall life experiences, simply because of things he is able to do legally that China hasn't partaken in yet).

Let's just stick to the issues, which are that this guy is trying to stop hobbying for the sake of focusing on his marriage.  It could be a case of..."I haven't gotten caught yet, so time to count my blessings and get the fuck out while I can."  I can relate to that.  I think about all the girls I have fucked over the 20+ years I have done this, and the millions of after-tax dollars I have spent and the shit I coulda bought instead.  I think about some of the risky things I did when I was younger and/or completely fucked up, and how things could have ended up a lot worse, and maybe it's time to count the blessings and get the fuck out while I'm still way ahead.

I told the guy the same thing:  It's a choice like any addict faces.  Choose to deal with it on a daily basis and a case-by-case basis.  Every single time the urge hits, you gotta make the choice and believe that the choice you make is a better alternative.  No different than when you get the urge to smoke or eat that plate of carbs, or partake in that bump of cocaine.  Whatever it is, you gotta choose to make that choice.

I don't think it's a matter, however, of living miserably by fucking one woman or being very happy in fucking lots of women.  Clearly that isn't the simple choice the OP was making.  His choices clearly come with conditions on both sides:  He isn't entirely convinced that making one choice versus the other is a clear choice that he is entirely satisfied with.  Fucking other women doesn't leave his conscience unblemished, you know?

Anyway, that's my two cents.

to them. Men are very different from women babe...they need that physical and visual stimulation to even get hard. If a guy has some 60 year old wife who has gained 50 lbs since the day her met her and all he does is spend time with hot, 18 year olds, what do you think that does for his attraction towards his wife? Just like the poster above, it fks it up even more. Some men can do this once or twice and never look back, but others get sucked into the entire lifestyle with no chance of ever getting out of it, until they lose the wife, the house, the kids and the dog.

-- Modified on 12/4/2012 11:55:51 AM